The Daily Dozen 4.1.20

The Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:

1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.

2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.

3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”

4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.

Welp - Happy April Fools’ Year?

Yep, today is April Fools’ Day. But since we’re all stuck at home, I got my fix by hiding my cat’s stapler. (Haha! Now she’ll never finish my taxes!)

I’m trying to find silver linings. Like on one hand, every day we hear updates from President Trump. But since the entire month is 4/20, you can also experience updates from President SpongeBob.

Because everyone’s staying inside, more people are growing beards. In fact after watching that BTS livestream, my Dad said, “ZZ Top’s still got it!”

When I said, “That’s BTS. They grew beards like you, Dad,” Mom said, “Dad’s upstairs.”

Today, Governor Cuomo said, “There is no superhero who is immune to this disease.” Then another guy said, “Holy hazards, Batman! We better take a bath together!”

Experts say the oil industry could collapse because of the pandemic. Oil companies haven’t faced a drop like this since Donald Trump Jr. decided just to wear a hat.

Since all the malls are closed, wild animals have been breaking in. On the bright side, a family of squirrels just sold the most stuff at Sears in over three decades. “I’m telling you – this is a quality mower. Scares the shit out of us every time!”

After the players’ pay was frozen, the NBA might hold a quarantined playoff tournament in Las Vegas. Because when I hear “financially unstable NBA players,” my first thought is, “Let’s add Vegas to the equation.”

And Sony has pushed the release of “Ghostbusters: Afterlife” to next March. Of course, this led to crying, screaming and a massive tantrum – then my daughter said, “Relax Dad, we’ll see it next year.”

I read that Wayne Brady is self-isolating with his ex-wife and her new boyfriend. Then Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie said, “You know – we’re actually cool just watching this one.”

Xerox is canceling its hostile takeover of HP. According to business analysts, the pandemic really hurt Xerox’s top revenue stream: people copying their butts.

It’s scary though. And to show you how serious I’m taking this virus, when I wash my hands now, instead of “Happy Birthday,” I sing Bob Dylan’s new song about JFK.

I don’t want to say Dylan’s voice is bad, but they had to autotune his voicemail greeting.

I don’t want to say the song’s too long, but if you press play just while you’re starting a cross-country road trip, you’ll drive your car directly into the Grand Canyon.

I don’t want to say he rambles too much, but halfway through, the MyPillow guy shows up.

And lastly, speaking of music: The Who’s Pete Townshend is making a new record while under quarantine. Yep, it’s called “Don’t Let My Love in the Door.”

Like everyone, I’m saddened by the news of Adam Schlesinger’s passing from COVID-19. This is a my favorite Fountains of Wayne song, and I hope you enjoy it:

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.31.20

I got my Mom Netflix for her birthday. So long story short – when I’m done with this, I have to go walk her pet tigers.

Anyway…

The Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:

1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.

2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.

3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”

4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.

Just a reminder that tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Or as Dr. Fauci calls it, “President’s Day.”

To help people stay fit, USA Today is doing an at home workout series. I don’t want to say I’ve let myself go, but when I saw this morning’s focus is “the push-up,” I said, “Bra?”

Many people are still working out while practicing social distancing. Though I’m not sure a zombie scare is the best time to see eight blocks of people doing Tai chi. “Is that Vincent Price talking??”

Some good news: the NCAA granted a waiver allowing athletes an extra year of eligibility. And basketball players said they were extremely grateful for the laugh.

After recovering from COVID-19, Saints coach Sean Payton will donate blood. Patriots coach Bill Belichick also volunteered, but the nurse had a difficult time locating a heart.

Of course the nation is still experiencing a shortage of toilet paper. And even in the woods, I had to tip a guy five bucks for soaping my hands and giving me a mint.

But being stuck inside for so long can be tough, so if at any point you feel panicked, nauseous and dizzy, immediately turn off the president’s press briefing.

People are still talking about Trump’s briefing yesterday, where he said reporters to should congratulate him and had the MyPillow guy talk. In fact it was SO bad, Bob Dylan just wrote a 17-minute song about it.

I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is rough, but when you play it backwards, it sounds the same as it does when you play it forwards.

I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is too long, but Elon Musk leaves it on for his pets while he goes to Mars.

I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is bad, but Bob Dylan just wrote a song about it.

Speaking of incoherent mumbling: it’s rumored Fox News host Jeanine Pirro did her show drunk. Even crazier – there’s also a rumor the hosts of Fox & Friends do their show sober.

A story’s going viral about a man who had his lung removed, cleaned, and reinserted. Then the doctor said, “Welp, same time tomorrow. Say hi to Mick, Mr. Richards!”

Actually, today is AC⚡DC guitarist Angus Young’s 65th birthday. Which explains his new song: “You Shook Me Until 9 p.m.”

Yep, the band’s youngest member is 65. That also explains their new name: AA⚡RP.

Speakin’ of the tunes! My friend Liam Beatus and his pals came up with a pretty cool way to fill the March Madness void. Go to this link to vote - even though they left out, in my opinion, some MAJOR names (Little Richard, Jamis Joplin, ROY ORBISON!?????)

Here’s my bracket:

Broke my own heart in the Final Four, but The Beatles bailed me out ‘91 Bulls style.

Keep Yourselves Up. To the Champs!!

-Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.30.20

Today is my Mom’s birthday! When I sang 🎵“How old are you now??”🎵 she said, “Somehow, younger than you. What you wanna talk about now? Still Traveling Wilburys, or we back to D.B. Cooper?”

Anyway…

It’s Monday, so we review the Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:

1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.

2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.

3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”

4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.

We’re still social distancing, with people staying at least six feet away from each other. That’s why today, someone actually said, “Could you please speak up, Senator Sanders?”

Over the weekend, Joe Biden recorded a 21-minute podcast. Then he asked for help uploading from a “Home Alone 2” Talkboy. “Hope and Change, you filthy animals!!” 

In today’s apocalyptic fever dream, President Trump called the MyPillow guy up to speak at his press briefing. And that was after firing an aide who said the Geico Gecko isn’t real. “Then get me the Budweiser Frogs!!”

It makes sense the MyPillow guy supports Trump, since we haven’t slept in four years.

Many wonder why networks are still airing Trump’s press briefings - especially after this:

Right after seeing that, Hell put up a “No Vacancy” sign.

Many New Yorkers are calling for a “rent strike” until work can resume. But New York City landlords said if their tenants so much as miss one month’s rent, they’ll keep treating them just as bad as always. “If I fix the sink, then there’s no water for the roaches to drink, then who’s gonna eat all the ants??”

The Daily Beast says even the Mafia’s had to adjust during the pandemic. Which explains why one guy was like, “I Zoom with a guy who Zooms with a guy. Don’t worry about it…”

A locked-down museum in Amsterdam says someone broke in and stole a painting by Van Gogh. And when he saw Van Gogh trending, Trump said, “He’s got it?? Okay – now we should quarantine. (He’s the guy who draws Waldo, right??)”

Meanwhile, a man in England is running a marathon in his back yard. Not on purpose – he just bumped into a hornets’ nest. “RUN THE HOSEPIPE FROM THE WATER CLOSET!!”

And lastly, ESPN will run classic Monday Night Football games every week. It’ll give people a chance to see current greats like Aaron Rodgers, Drew Breese and Tom Brady, as well as names from 50 years ago like Joe Namath, Johnny Unitas and Tom Brady. 

(If you didn’t see that last one coming, you need to isolate.)

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Happy Birthday, Mom! Love you!

The Daily Dozen 3.29.20

Just opened up my Weather app and it said, “Hahaha - good one.”

Anyway…

Health experts are still urging us to practice social distancing. And as a rule of thumb, they say you should stay as far away from strangers as Dr. Fauci stays from President Trump.

Trump is still facing criticism for his handling of the pandemic, though he did urge people to observe Sunday Mass online. I’m not sure he gets it; today, he asked for the words to “the Apollo Creed.” “And I believe in one Rocky, the one where he’s bullied by Russians…”

As you may know, I have rheumatoid arthritis – and since it’s an autoimmune disease, I’ve had to isolate and FaceTime with my daughter. But she’s given me the cutest nickname: “Boring Shark.”

And oh, hey sharks? I hear David Geffen is especially ripe this season. 🎵Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo! 🎵

Someone suggested video games as a way to take a break from writing. I was hesitant, but I must admit that in the time it’s taken each game to update, I’ve done a lot of writing.

But even the video games have changed. When you’re “on fire” in NBA Jam, a doctor shows up to take your temperature. “Stay in your ROOM-SHAKALAKA!”

And when they hear their names are Mario and Luigi – the turtles run from them.

BUT FOLKS!...

There is a silver lining: in all the hours I’ve spent alone, I’ve managed to get almost halfway through Bob Dylan’s JFK song. (I’m up to him living in Boston. Or, meeting Stone Cold Steve Austin – hard to tell BECAUSE OF THE AWFUL MUMBLING.)

I read that police in Rhode Island are actually going door-to-door, hunting down New Yorkers seeking refuge. Coming this holiday season, from the Farrrelly Brothers!

Yeah, cops in Rhode Island are going door-to-door seeking people who may be infected. Or as that’s also known, “sick-or-treat.”

People are still mad at the spring breakers down in Florida. Everyone agrees they’re being foolish and ignorant aaaaaaaaand Mike Love just wrote a song about how cool they are.  🎵“We’re coughin’, we’re sneezin’, playin’ in the breeze ‘n then we’re burnin’, we’re blotchy, not just in our crotchies…” 🎵

Actually, people throughout the world have been singing out their windows as a way to entertain others, and get them to join in. But when a man tried it in New York, someone yelled “Shut the f*** up!” People say that may be Governor Cuomo’s best advice yet.

Knicks owner James Dolan tested positive for COVID-19. But don’t worry – today, it demanded a trade.

And lastly, experts are saying cats can test positive for the coronavirus. On the bright side, that’s the first positive thing I’ve heard about “Cats.”

Keep Yourselves Up. Ed: thank you. Sadie was dancin’, and I got teary. Love you guys.

-Jon

(In case it doesn’t cue…go to 23:10)

Daily Dozen Live 3.28.20

Well, this site is now seven days a week. Because…why not?

There is a specific thing this will usually be. But first I want to note all the creative ways people are keeping us entertained. We have late night hosts doing shows from home. Celebrities highlighting charities that need our help. Sports leagues rerunning classic games to lift our spirits. And then, Bob Dylan decided to chip in…

Bob Dylan released a 17-minute song about…the Kennedy Assassination. Because if there’s one thing you wanna hear during a deadly pandemic, it’s gravelly musings about Lee Harvey Oswald.

Bob Dylan released a 17-minute song about JFK. Or, left a rambling voice mail for Tina Fey.

I don’t want to say the song’s bad, but Stephen King wrote about a guy going back in time to try and stop it.

I don’t wanna say it’s unpleasant, but Baby Shark said, “How is this only halfway over??”

I don’t want to say it was rough, but they’re playing it outside to keep everyone indoors.

I don’t wanna say it’s jarring, but God said, “This is why I’m good with just three Wilburys.”

I don’t want to say it’s grating, but on next week’s Reply All, a guy asks for help FORGETTING it.

Bob Dylan released a 17-minute song about President Kennedy. So stay tuned for Sir Mix-A-Lot’s two-hour freestyle about the Challenger.

Bob Dylan has a new song about Kennedy being shot. It’s called, “I Hate a Parade.”

Bob Dylan sang for 17-minutes about JFK’s death. JFK was like, “NOW I have a headache.”

But really, I think this whole ordeal is best summed up by this:

“If YOU have a headline, send it to ‘Jay Leno’s Garage,’ 3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank, California, 91523. We’ll be right back with TERRY BRADSHAAAAAAAAAAWWW!!”

Play With Your Kids or Talk To Your Parents!

Jon

Friday Feelings 3.27.20

I Have Opinions…

Been seeing some people talk about the difficulty of not touching their faces. Why? Why are you touching your face so much? What’s so special about your face? I’ll let you in on a little secret: if you’re friends with me, or you’re reading this…not that good-lookin’.

Also been hearing people say how Fox News is doing what our parents feared MTV would do to us. And I’d buy that – if it weren’t for the day my Dad watched an Eagles reunion on VH-1 while I watched the nonstop Heaven’s Gate coverage on CNN. By the way, what does Marshall Applewhite have in common with Don Felder? Both got sacked.

Things we’re short on: COVID-19 test kits; toilet paper. 

Things we’re all good on: “Singers have more masks than doctors!”; “Just use your CVS receipt as toilet paper!”

I know we all fell in love with the “Missing Hit” episode of the Reply All podcast. In fact, I might say it’s my favorite podcast episode ever (along with Episode 33: “Why Was Bruce Fired?” on “Something to Wrestle with Bruce Prichard”). And yet…Listen to this side-by-side of the recreation and the original:

I know we need nice things. But hold on. A guy remembered a song with a billion lyrics verbatimfor 21 years? Also, despite its obvious similarities – and the fact it came out a year later – the singer had never heard “One Week”? I call “really clever work.” Montreal Screwjob, Meet “Reply All Hitjob.”

Soon after 9/11, Clear Channel issued an infamous memorandum banning any song that could be deemed in any way inappropriate for airplay (which was also a good way to see every Ac/Dc song ever recorded). What hits might an uptight, in-a-hurry executive ban in 2020? A few possibilities: 

• Aerosmith: “Walk This Way” 

• Beach Boys: “Then I Kissed Her”

• Beatles: “I Want to Hold Your Hand”

• The Offspring: “Come Out And Play”

• The Black Keys: “Fever”

• U2: “Vertigo”

• Europe: “The Final Countdown”

• Traveling Wilburys: “End of the Line”

• Queen: “Another One Bites the Dust”

• John Fogerty: “Eye of the Zombie”

• Blondie: “Rapture” 

• The Wiggles: “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (And Screw)”

A recent Twitter thread set out to determine once and for all the greatest sitcom theme song of all time. In my bracket, I had “Cheers,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” “Golden Girls” and “Happy Days” in The Final Four, with Will topping Fonzie in the Finals. But as I opined on Twitter, putting “Fresh Prince” up against “The Jeffersons” so early is some hot-shot booking. You don’t have the top two square off so soon.

Speaking of The Fonz…

Do you think when Fonzie votes, he says, “Electamundo!”

Do you think when Fonzie calls, it’s “Collectamundo”?

Do you think if it’s his doctor after four hours, he says, “Erectamundo!”

With quarantines in place, many writers (this one included) stampeded towards good ole RadioShack as a “place where nobody goes.” But here’s the thing: I love RadioShack. Every time I needed something, they had it, it wasn’t too big to navigate, and you can wear a blue shirt there without being bothered. The thing is, RadioShack could’ve been saved simply by embracing that it’s RadioShack. How? Vinyl. Instead of trying to keep up with the Best Buys of the world, just become a literal RadioShack – selling vinyl copies of everything, old and new. Record players you can’t find anywhere else. License Weezer’s “Back to the Shack” and you’re back on the mall map. While you’re at it, give away free Orange Juliuses. Or toilet paper.

On the bright side, do yourselves a favor and take advantage of the WWE Network opening its content up to non-subscribers and watch WrestleMania III. The best thing that happened in the 80s (after me, of course.)

🚨 SPORTS! THIS IS THE SPORTS PART! SKIP IF YOU DON’T LIKE SPORTS! 🚨

One could argue that no pro sports league has been impacted by the pandemic like the NBA. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Despite having more championship contenders than it’s had since the 80s, the league also has an astounding number of bad teams. If the season ended today (as it actually did a few weeks back), 17 of the NBA’s 30 teams would finish with losing records. Additionally, national TV ratings were said to be down a staggering 16 percent. I attribute this bump in the hardwood to a perfect storm of LeBron playing late at night, the Warriors punting on the season, and lack of true star power in the East (yes, there are still people unfamiliar with the Greek Freak). The league isn’t broken, but it could use some repair. So here is how I – your humble Man Who Belongs In Comedy – would fix the NBA (in a non COVID-19 world):

The Schedule: Play begins on December 25, and concludes in the summer. That way, you let the NFL finish up its regular season, let the almost relevant again NHL have its moment, and take advantage of fans who’ve soured on baseball. All while allowing kids to stay up late and watch the Playoffs and Finals after school has concluded. 82 games. Sorry guys – you are professional athletes.

The Christmas Classic: We don’t just open with five random games scattered across the country. Instead, we open up with a triple-header from one of the many domed stadiums in the U.S. The schedule, made up of (projected) contenders goes as follows: East vs. East, West vs. West, then the Main Event: East vs. West (ideally, a Finals rematch or “preview”). Using tracking cameras, we create the same atmosphere as the Final Four, essentially making this the NBA’s WrestleMania. One (or two, depending on teams) National Anthems to kick off the whole thing and one MVP at the end. Mix in some other musical performances, pre-taped sketches and mini-documentaries and perhaps even unveil that year’s nominees for the Basketball Hall of Fame. One ticket gets people in, mark up the ad prices, and make this an E-V-E-N-T. This tells the world, “Basketball is BACK.”

Rest Policy: Each player is granted two games of non-injury rest per season. For every five years in the league, you get two more. Want to rest players? Okay. Play them in the first quarter, and then pull them out. It is their job to play basketball. Any hesitations? No problem; a league appointed physician will be on-call at every arena to examine the injured. You have 15 active players. Use your fouls wisely. 

Realignment & Expansion: The West is “too good”? Okay. We move Zion Williamson and the New Orleans Pelicans to the East – along with Ja Morant and the Memphis Grizzlies. It’s now or never, Timberwolves. Then, we correct two wrongs and award a franchise to Vancouver while somewhere, Martin Crane smiles at the return of the Seattle SuperSonics.

Wait. You’re adding MORE teams to a league that ALREADY mostly stinks? Hold on…

Playoff Expansion & Modification: Rather than just going with the top eight teams in each conference, teams falling within 7-10 compete in single elimination Play-Ins (7 vs. 10, 8 vs. 9). Then, the winners of those two games play to determine the 7thand 8thseeds. This adds six do-or-die Playoff games, and gives teams on the bubble motivation to keep playing rather than tank. Then in the first round, we get rid of the long, senseless seven-game series and make it best of five.

Fouls & Overtime: Tired of watching your favorite player sit on the bench during bonus basketball? Same here. So at the end of regulation, the slate is wiped clean. Everyone who hasn’t been ejected can check back in – but three fouls in OT lands you back on the bench.

And since I’m on such a roll fixing basketball, I’m going to do a little baseball fixin’ as well:

Extra Innings: Games can’t continue longer than 12 innings. It’s boring, it wears out (highly-paid) pitchers, and nobody wants to see the worst guys left closing out the game. After 12? Out comes the pitching machine, each team picks 10 hitters – each of whom get exactly one in-play swing. Whoever has the most home runs at the end wins. Baseball’s version of a shootout. #SuddenDeathDerby

🚨 THIS IS THE END OF THE SPORTS PART! THE SPORTS PART IS OVER NOW! 🚨

My daughter and I did some coloring the other day, and while her stuff was PRETTY good…MY stuff…

Answer to this week’s Can You Spot Why This is Actually Kind Of Funny? The red and white sign down at the bottom right corner… #PeaceAndLovePeaceAndLove

It’s now been nearly a week since we lost Kenny Rogers. One of the greats, one of Mom’s favorites, a nice guy, and a classic unseen “Seinfeld” character. I met him once, and what were we doing? Washing our hands.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.26.20

DJ on The River just now: “I hope everyone stays happy and healthy – and just be well.” Then… “Here’s Third Eye Blind, with ‘Jumper’!”

IRREGAHDLESS…

Today would have been Opening Day for Major League Baseball. And to keep fans engaged, the Red Sox traded two COVID-19 test kits for a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins.

That’s right, Major League Baseball postponed Opening Day. The Commissioner said, “Trust me – our players test positive for enough things as it is.”

Instead, MLB is promoting “Opening Day At Home” by offering 30 classic games for free. The way it works is, you watch just one baseball game – and by the 4th inning, the pandemic is over.

But baseball’s really changing. You can tell by that new chant: “We want a pitcher – and absolutely, positively, under NO circumstances WHATSOEVER a belly-itcher!!”

It seems like a lot of people are watching the Netflix series “Tiger King,” a true crime doc about a guy who owned a bunch of tigers. I just hope it ends with a mic’d up tiger in the bathroom saying, “What the hell did I do? Ate them all, of course. (And they were GRRRRRRRRRREAT!!)”

Another way people are passing time is TikTok; and now TikTok is accused of suppressing videos from “ugly” people to attract new users. But I think they suppressed mine since I just kept yelling, “How is this different from Vine?? You’re in your 40s! Read a book!!”

I read that even the U.S. military is practicing forms of social distancing. Which is why today, everyone was given the rank of Private.

And through this all, Staples keeps sending out e-mails about sales and discounts. Though it made sense when they advertised a shredder “perfect for presidential addresses.”

Last night, the Senate approved a stimulus bill that gives each adult $1,200 and each child $500. So enjoy your half-day at Disneyland, everyone! (Rides not included!)

Some happy news: yesterday, a boy in Montana was given a “Star Wars”-themed adoption ceremony. Or as Yoda put it, “Onions, is someone chopping??”

Cadbury announced the winner of its contest to name a new “Bunny”: a two-legged dog named “Lieutenant Dan.” Taking last place? An overexcited terrier named “Forrest Hump.”

And lastly, dozens of dead bats fell from the sky in Israel, fulfilling a Biblical prophecy. Then MLB said, “Speaking of dead bats, here’s a game between the Mets and the Orioles!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.25.20

We’re nearly 30 days into Lent. And I have to say, I could not have picked a better year to give up licking the fruit at Market Basket.

Grocery stores in Massachusetts are still asking workers to come in, but offering two extra weeks of paid vacation. Or as that’s also known, “quarantine.”

Scientists are saying that women will have a much easier time fighting COVID-19 than men. Which means there may actually be a reason to say, “Good evening, ladies and germs.”

As the pandemic spreads, thousands of inmates are being released early. Prisons were like, “Hey – you said you wanted more help from elected officials!”

President Trump wants everything open by Easter. And instead of the annual Easter Egg Roll, he’s hosting the first ever Toilet Paper Plunder. “If you run out, just do like me and use the Constitution.”

In the meantime, Joe Biden gave an address to Americans from his basement. Which explains his opening line:  🎵“It’s Joe’s World! Joe’s World! Party time! Excellent!”🎵

Biden sat in front of books, antique photographs, and a football. And luckily, an aide turned the football around before anyone could see the word “Nerf.”

Elton John is hosting a live charity concert where artists perform from their homes. Which will be fun ‘til Taylor Swift’s singing and Kanye pops out from beneath the couch and interrupts her. 

**“TAYLOR & KANYE: STILL A TOPICAL REFERENCE SOMEHOW.”**

Speaking of music, original Beatles drummer Pete Best sent out this Tweet today – which brings us to a new game: 

Can You Spot Why This is Actually Kind Of Funny?

With New Yorkers under quarantine, the city is running out of puppies to adopt. Shelters hoped to trick people with alternatives, but couldn’t find any rats that were small enough.

If the season is canceled, NBA coaches might have to take a 20 percent pay cut. Most were understanding, while the Knicks’ coach said, “Wait – you guys get paid?”

Steve Ballmer bought The Forum in L.A. for $400 million in cash. Ballmer called it an exciting investment, while the guy behind him at the ATM called it the worst day of his life.

Police in Illinois were called after reports that an adult video store was offering curbside service during a lockdown. All customers will have to pay a fine, and take a mandatory course on using the internet.

And lastly, the website PornHub is giving New York City coronavirus workers 50,000 protective masks and free porn. They said “We want to lend a helping hand while your other hand is busy.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.24.20

So, are Republicans also willing to sacrifice the old at heart, errrrrr…

I hope everybody is doing okay. I’ve been binge-watching that show about the doctor who gets framed, then goes on the run. You know, Anthony Fauci?

President Trump said people should be able to go back out in public next week despite Dr. Fauci’s warnings to isolate. Man, for a guy who loves Shark Week so much, you’d think Trump would’ve seen “Jaws” by now.

Dr. Fauci is the immunologist who’s been appearing with Trump at his press briefings, but last night, he did not appear. It got worse today when Trump’s “Task Force” was Scott Baio, a scarecrow, one of those inflatable wavy guys and Eric Trump (on Skype, sound off).

Last night’s press briefing was insane. Here’s clip that truly sums it up. CHECK IT OUT.

So if you experience a fever, just apply that cold shoulder.

Trump is like, “I guess the virus makes you deaf! Sad!”

It seems like every day, Trump alienates another medical expert. But he has a plan to fix it: today, he installed a button on his desk that brings him a Dr. Pepper.

In a new poll, 60% actually approved of Trump’s handling of the pandemic. Or put another way, 40% of those still dumb enough to go out and talk to a pollster DON’T. “Sorry my mouth’s red from doing jello shots off a stranger at the beach, but yeah, Trump’s nuts!”

The big news today is that the Summer Olympics were officially postponed to next year. I guess they decided it might not be safe to have thousands of people drenched in Purell surround a giant flame.

Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a list of essential businesses that can remain open during the pandemic. And this is odd – the first one? Bunghole Liquors.

Bunghole Liquors: An Actual Establishment in Massachusetts.

A strip club in Oregon that was forced to close is now sending strippers to people’s homes. On the next episode of “Dateline.”

Everyone’s keeping a safe distance from the elderly. But it’s actually easier than I thought, because my Dad’s with Kim and I’m with Taylor. (We have had some TENSE phone calls…)

To preserve bandwidth, YouTube will reduce video quality. Which should explain things when Governor Cuomo says, “If you’re concerned: yes, the Grape Stomp Lady still falls.”

The virus has had a big effect on the economy, and Goldman Sachs says it’s a good time to buy gold. As in, “I can’t believe I just wiped my butt with gold.”

And in the middle of all this, Woody Allen is releasing a memoir that details his romantic relationships. People were like, “Dude, WAY too Soon-Yi.”

And lastly, the LA Rams introduced their new logo, and it seems kind of familiar:

In related news: the Rams declared bankruptcy because of the Redskins, then tried to deport the Browns.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

VERSION 2.0 (oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh)!…

The Daily Dozen 3.23.20

Despite the pandemic, therapists are still seeing patients via Skype. Which begs the question: when I go in my room for a session, do I still say I’m just getting a haircut?

Anyway…

It’s Monday, so we review the Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:

1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.

2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.

3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”

Last night, Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus. But this is weird – when they put his test under a microscope, all the germs were using tiny walkers.

Some good news though: Charles Barkley’s test for COVID-19 came back negative. Unfortunately, he lost $50,000 betting on positive.

Olympic official Dick Pound said the Summer Games will be postponed next year. I guess it’s not a good look when instead of grabbing the baton, the second guy in the relay goes, “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!”

Actually, to fill the void left by live sports, ESPN aired an encore of WrestleMania. And to fill the void left by WrestleMania, people will just watch Trump’s press briefings.

The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Director, Dr. Anthony Fauci said while Trump spreads misinformation, he can’t “jump in front of the microphone and push him down.” Then the Secret Service looked away and said, “We don’t see a microphone…”

Rupert Murdoch’s son, Lachlan, is facing criticism for letting Fox News downplay the coronavirus. Lachian brushed it aside, and urged people to watch the network’s new documentary, “Lincoln’s Migraine.”

Rand Paul is under fire for using the Senate gym while awaiting his positive coronavirus test. But others plan to keep on using it, with Mitch McConnell saying, “How else will I keep my Chins of Steel?”

Actually, McConnell tore into Democrats for delaying a vote on Trump’s stimulus package. Then somebody coughed and he recoiled into his shell.

Yesterday, Governor Andrew Cuomo gave New York City 24 hours to devise a social distancing plan, and urged people not to engage in activities like basketball. Then he said, “That last part was just for the Knicks.”

It’s not all-bad for New Yorkers; a friend sent me a picture with The Hazmat Suit Cowboy.

And New York’s Department of Health says masturbating could be a key to stopping the virus. Man, I would not want to be a potted plant near Harvey Weinstein right now.

That’s right, the Department of Health said, “Your safest sexual partner is yourself,” and told people to masturbate. Even weirder: they said to sing “Happy Birthday” while you do it.

Health officials want people to masturbate. Between that and the Olympics, what a day for Dick Pound.

And lastly, today is National Puppy Day! It’s a bit different this year: when puppies go on the newspaper, their owner shouts, “Hey - leave some for me!!”

UGH! SO MANY SPORTS JOKES!! (4.) Thanks for reading, hope there were one or two you liked. What are you working on? Send it over!

Keep Yourselves Up (The NY Department of Health Says So!),

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.22.20

Welp – two years later, and now everyone’s writing from home. I’d say hindsight is 20/20, but I can’t find an optometrist who’ll touch my eyes. Anyway…

“Real Housewives” creator Andy Cohen announced he has tested positive for the coronavirus. But don’t worry: doctors say in no time, the virus will break down completely and shout, “I didn’t come here to make friends!!” 

All the late night hosts have been doing shows from home, but it’s times like this we wish Johnny Carson was still alive. Of course after yesterday’s press briefing, we’re wondering if Ben Carson’s still alive.

While President Trump spoke to reporters, it looked like Ben Carson fell asleep on his feet. The good news is he finally woke up. The bad news: he was in Madame Tussauds.

Have you heard about the man who’s not a doctor, but plays one on Twitter? Trump tweeted an unproven and potentially dangerous drug combination he says could sure the virus. In response, people called every Trump supporter they know and said…nothing. “Let us know what happens…or don’t...”

Yep, Trump tweeted out a so-called “cure” for the coronavirus. Then an aide said, “I know you like the song, Mr. President, but a spoon full of sugar will not solve this.”

Some good news: booksellers say social distancing has led to more sales. But instead of asking if the book’s “fun an interesting,” people ask if the pages are “soft and absorbent.”

And many say isolating has allowed them to spend more time with their pets. In fact one person said their cat has actually learned to say, “When you die, I’m going to eat you.”

More stores are closing, and Best Buy was only allowing 15 customers in at a time. Or as that’s known at RadioShack, “Black Friday.” (Easy joke, in for a reason. I have a plan to save ‘em. The next Friday Feelings.)

But I think I waited too long to go there. When I asked for their most recent baseball game, the cover featured Shoeless Joe Jackson.

Meanwhile, The XFL had to cancel its season due to the coronavirus. They said all the teams will be up and running next year – except for the Carolina Coronaviruses. 

Because of the virus, many restaurants are now offering curbside pickup. And this is nice – if a bird flies into your home, Popeye’s will grill it for free. “But bats will cost ya!”

Steve Martin gave us a cool surprise, tweeting a clip where he plays banjo for 78 seconds. This breaks the record for longest anyone’s watched a banjo clip by…77 seconds.

But seriously, we’re living in scary times. So if you see an old man who’s lost, confused and babbling incoherently, just remember: you could’ve voted for Clinton or Warren.

Keep Yourselves Up (And Know When to Hold ‘Em),
Jon

Friday Feelings 3.20.20

I Have Opinions…

Instead of going on without a crowd, why can’t WrestleMania adopt an open mic format where the wrestlers sit in the audience? Gotta bring at least seven Doinks to get on, John Cena supportively applauding moves that aren’t that great. I just like the idea of the Superstars getting booking emails that say: “Sunday - 7:10. Please confirm. Vince.”

Is the coronavirus what gets schools to spend just a little less time on dinosaurs? Despite recent reports the dinos may have been poisoned (my money’s on The Jinx), the popular theory remains that an asteroid caused their demise. So what are we teaching children, exactly? If you see an asteroid, “Earmuffs!”? Even at five, I never understood the Jurassic fascination. I asked my teacher, “Are there dinosaurs still?” No. “Are they coming back?” No. “Then why are we doing this?” Extra recess for Little Rineman! And by the way: excellent job with the brontosaurus – you know, the dinosaur that doesn’t exist because you mismatched the pieces? Nice to hear our foremost paleontologists operate with the same efficiency as me assembling a desk from IKEA. I can’t wait until the robots put us together and announce the discovery of Tonya Hardashian.

Speaking of which, how did Rachel never refer to Ross as her “tyrannosaurus ex”?

PEOPLE: “They need to stop advertising debates like it’s the Super Bowl!!” SAME PEOPLE: “Why don’t more Americans vote??” ME: 😐

Any time I see the “Breaking News” ticker on CNN, I’m reminded of the Baby Jessica story from my childhood. By the way, do you think she ever received “Get Well” cards?

Many have had to file for unemployment. I remember my first time. They gave several options for password security questions. The first one: “What was your dream job as a child?” What a nice question for someone who just lost their job. How about this: “What’s the name of the street you grew up on, and how’s it feel being back there?”

Why don’t Paul and Ringo tour together? I can’t think of a better time than the (hopefully) near-present – a period where venues could struggle to draw crowds. They team up on “Sgt. Pepper”/“With a Little Help From My Friends,” then Ringo moves to drums for “A Day In the Life”/“Give Peace a Chance,” and they close on “The End.” Then after a brief intermission, Ringo goes on.

(Then after “You’re Sixteen” and “I Saw Her Standing There,” they’re both arrested.)

Unrelated: I bet every time they hear “Piano Man,” harmonicas are like,“What-Now Man”??

Related: Did you know that if you sub in “Eyes and ears and mouth and nose!” in the middle verse of “The Longest Time,” you get kicked out of TJ Maxx?

And as Morgan Murphy stated on Twitter, at a time when everyone’s performing from his/her/their bedroom: how badly do we miss the great Brody Stevens?

Can we stop the charade of “hiding” the birthday cake? “Don’t go in there!” “Stay out of the kitchen!” “He didn’t see it, did he??” Oh no, the lights are going out. Is it The Undertaker? (What I’m saying, Sadie/Amelia/Henry is for my 50th, I want you to get The Undertaker. He’ll still be taking bookings.)

Wednesday would have been my grandmother’s 98th birthday. Upon learning she was at a Boston Braves game the night Babe Ruth died, I did some research a few years back and found that the Braves hosted the Brooklyn Dodgers. Starting for the Braves? Warren Spahn. In the lineup for the Dodgers? Pee Wee Reese, Gil Hodges, Roy Campanella…and batting second? Jackie Robinson. (Also, Mimi was back there 61 years later to see my sister graduate from BU.)

When I sit in my locked car, windows up, and see all these people still out there jogging, coughing, sneezing and sweating on each other, I can’t help but think, “This might be the year I win the Marathon.”

And lastly - snapped this beauty while driving around near my parents’:

“Have you seen our new confessional?”

When I saw that, I was like, “Holy shit!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Below: Some jokes from 2016. No wait - 19 FREAKIN’ 92!!! 😲

The Daily Dozen 3.19.20

Sooooo…Happy First Day of Spring??

It seems like every day, the news is getting darker and darker. So I was very happy this morning to wake up to this…

In China, some farmers in isolation looked out their back door to see some elephants broke into their crops and got drunk on corn whiskey. This is real – and this is an actual picture of two of them sleeping it off:

When the elephants woke up, they rubbed their heads, looked around, and said, “Huh - guess we can forget stuff.”

Yep, a herd of elephants suffering from intoxication. Or as Trump’s calling it, “Elephant Flu.” “THEY’RE the ones getting and spreading it! That’s what I’m hearing!”

And when Don Jr. saw two unconscious elephants, he posed for a picture beside them.

And when Don Jr. got arrested, Mike Love’s “Beach Boys” played a benefit concert to bail him out.

And when John Stamos couldn’t get a flight there, Lori Loughlin got him a fake pilot’s license.

And when Lori Loughlin got arrested, Harvey Weinstein turned his bunk beds into a double.

And when Weinstein turned his bunk beds into a double, Bill Cosby sued for copyright infringement.

And when he heard Cosby was suing, Michael Avenatti said, “Need a lawyer??”

And when Avenatti asked if he needs a lawyer, Stormy Daniels said, “A real lawyer – not you.”

And when he heard Stormy, Trump said, “How about a shag-n-shark? I just tested negative for Elephant Flu!”

And when they heard all that, the elephants said, “Looks like we picked the wrong week to start drinking whiskey…”

And when he heard that, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “COME OVAH AND PLAY WITH MY PONY, WHISKEY!!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.18.20

So my friends heard their six-year-old singing “Happy Birthday” while he washed his hands - and then at the end say 🎵“to NOBODY….”🎵 😂 I told them, “I hope his part-time job in high school is working at Applebees, just so he can sing that to people.”

It’s funnier than anything I got. But, here we go:

To enforce its quarantine, the government is apparently working with Twitter to track where users are tweeting. That’s why today, Trump installed a toilet in the Oval Office. “Everybody out - gotta land an Air Force 2…”

But the coronavirus is getting more serious. Yesterday, people urged others to donate to charity, keep in touch with loved ones, and stay calm to preserve their immune systems. Then they got back to endlessly trashing someone from “High School Musical.” 

Yesterday, people were criticizing Vanessa Hudgens for insensitive remarks she made about the virus on Monday. It took a whole day because they needed to time delete all the insensitive remarks THEY made about the virus on Monday.

And Jared Leto says he emerged from silently meditating in the desert to learn about the coronavirus. But at first he didn’t take it seriously, because people usually pretend to die when he talks about meditating. “It’s literally JUST BREATHING! You GOTTA try it!!”

Dr. Oz urged couples to use the quarantine to have more sex. Then Dr. Phil asked to see his degree. “That’s wackier than a talkin’ mime! Shit, that made sense. I’ve got the virus.”

The virus lead German Chancellor Angela Merkel to make what some are calling the most impassioned address ever in Germany. Then historians said, “Wait, what about—” and Germany said, “OUR MOST IMPASSIONED ADDRESS EVER.”

And France’s President Emmanuel Macron urged citizens to remain inside their homes. The French said, “It’s not hard enough to homeschool our toddlers – now we must tolerate their cigarette smoke??”

Health experts say people in their 70s might need to isolate for three months. I feel terrible thinking about my parents – but mainly because of that thing Dr. Oz said. 🤮

Private jet operators are turning down requests from the super rich hoping to escape the virus. The super-rich were furious – they said, “But I posted a charity’s logo on Instagram!”

In Tel Aviv, a man tried to return a stolen 2,000-year-old artifact so if the world ends, he has a clear conscience. That story again: Nicolas Cage is just fine.

Because of the pandemic, there hasn’t been quite as much election coverage. But on the bright side…wait, that is the bright side.

Joe Biden won primaries in Florida, Arizona and Illinois. Biden said he couldn’t have done it without those who still went out and voted, and personally called to thank them both.

And Utah had a 5.7 magnitude earthquake last night. In fact there was so much movement, residents reported numerous cases of dancing. (You have to report it in Utah.)

And lastly, Universal announced that this weekend, movies in theaters will be available on-demand. Even better: “Cats” won’t.

The reason this site started up again in December was to cope on Sundays. Then in January, a…more tangible reason arose. (👀 Stay tuned.) But the reason it’s now daily is because, like you, I just want to stay sane and do what I love. Always try to find a safe way. (And instead of getting mad at people’s jokes on Twitter, you can get mad solely at mine.) But many are doing this type of thing, and with that in mind, here’s something a friend made. Share it, urge him to do it in-studio, let’s get him another #1. It’s great, and so, so, SO smart on many levels. And he is, after all (What) a Good Boy…

Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Page:

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

And Happy Birthday Mimi! We love and miss you. 💚

The Daily Dozen 3.17.20

Well, the bad news is, health officials still recommend gatherings of no more than ten people. On the bright side, there is one new option: a Patriots game.

Yep, after 20 years, Tom Brady is leaving the Patriots. People in Boston say it’s the worst St. Patrick’s Day they remember. But with the bars closed, it’s also the only St. Patrick’s Day they remember.

Brady leaving creates a whole new dynamic in the AFC East. Usually the Jets finish as low as last. But with Brady gone, they could actually finish as high as last.

It’s rumored that Brady will sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. But it would be awkward when even Florida residents are like, “Who’s the old man?”

This all seems to go back to a feud between Brady and Bill Belichick, and everyone’s torn. In fact today, Robert Kraft asked his masseuse for a “conflicted ending.”

Kraft actually released a statement saying he hoped this day would never come. Then his masseuse said, “I always hope the opposite about you.”

Now that Brady’s done playing in New England, it’s opened the argument on the region’s greatest athlete. Some say it’s Celtics legend Bill Russell, while others are racist.

Both Brady and Belichick are known as Trump supporters, so it’s hard to say whom the president will side with. But since it’s Trump, my money’s on the old white guy in a hood.

Today, President Trump gave another update on the coronavirus. He opened by saying thanks to him, everyone’s saying “Merry Apocalypse” again.

Trump announced plans for a stimulus package, saying, “It’s going to be big, it’s going to be bold.” He then continued, “It’s gonna be wiser. It’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna be tough, it’s gonna be stronger. It’s gonna be calm, it’s gonna be cool, it’s gonna stay together. All I know, all I know, is cash will save the day.” Then when asked where the virus started, he said, “Chickity China, the Chinese chicken…”

Actually, China has banned all Americans who work for the New York Times, Washington Post and Wall Street Journal. Trump was like, “Who do they think they are – me??” 

Meanwhile, the pandemic led to the Kentucky Derby being postponed until September. You know – because how are those rapidly-whipped horses expected to run without people cheering them on?

And lastly, brothels around the world are reporting record losses due to the virus. When asked if they have an insurance policy, they said, “Yeah – but he’s still sad about Tom Brady leaving.”

UNLESS YOU’RE BOB KRAFT…

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.16.20

Well, Sunday was another tense night. Officials said, “Keep your distance from others, avoid all physical contact, and just try to stay calm.” Then they said, “Now get out there and have a good debate, Mr. Biden.”

There’s actually a new test for the coronavirus: see if you turn as pale as Bernie Sanders when Biden said he’d pick a female running mate. “I WAS JUST ONE PERCENT PREPARED FOR THIS!!”

At their debate last night, Joe Biden pledged to pick a woman as his running mate. Then Pete Buttigieg slunk into a waiting limo, said, “Y’all don’t know me!” and told everyone to check out his SoundCloud.

Biden said he made the decision after thoroughly vetting some qualified women. Then his staff said, “Actually, he spent the weekend watching ‘Frozen 2.’” “That Olaf’s a real snowball-buster, amirite??”

But this is real: Joe Biden promised to pick a female running mate. Everyone was excited, until he said “AND HERE SHE IS!!”

It wasn’t a great debate for either candidate. Bernie accidentally called the coronavirus “SARS,” while Biden accidentally called it “Ebola.” While Trump accidentally called them “Ren & Stimpy.”

Speaking of cartoons from the 90s: Kid Rock is refusing to shut down his bar in Nashville, and called a mandate to close “unconstitutional.” Then he debuted his new single: “American Dumbass.”

And R.E.M.’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” is actually charting again because of the virus. But so far, no such luck for the B-52’s rarity: “Soap Hut.” 🎵“Bumpin’ and a wavin’, sittin’ and a readin’ baby!” “FOLKS lining UP inSIDE just to SOAP dowwwwwwwwn!”🎵

And this isn’t good: Idris Elba tested positive for the coronavirus, and will begin a two-week quarantine. In completely unrelated news, your wife just got a job with Postmates.

But restaurants all over the country are closing. Wendy’s stored all its food in a freezer; Burger King threw it all out; and Arby’s banged some pots and pans together ‘til it ran back into the alley.

A leaked document says the crisis in the UK could last up to a year, endangering the elderly. Then Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip said, “Damn! Good thing we pulled a ‘Get Out’ on Harry and Megan.”

And lastly, Arnold Schwarzenegger released a video encouraging people to stay inside where he was joined by a couple of friends:

Then the horses said, “We’re actually boys, and we just met this guy five minutes ago.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.15.20

Today I turned 37 years old! Everywhere I went, people were singing “Happy Birthday.” Then they said, “Actually, we were just washing our hands.”

That’s right, I turned 37 during the coronavirus. And nothing says “fun” like putting out 37 individual candles with a snuffer.

Also celebrating a birthday today is our favorite Beach Boy, Mike Love. When they saw him coming, the other Beach Boys turned off the lights and hid. Then after a few minutes, they said, “Phew – that was close.” (“Wait – what if he’s levitating above us??”)

But my most famous birthday twin is actually Saint Nicholas. You know Santa - he’s the 1,677-year-old who we now have to shout wishes at from 50 yards away?

Of course, almost everything is closed due to the coronavirus, including Disneyland. The crazy thing is, even the virus had to wait 45 minutes to ride Space Mountain. “The hell’s going on up there??”

Actually, both Disneyland and Disney World are closed. Which is a shame, because the robot Trump in the Hall of Presidents gives better updates on the virus than the real one.

Thankfully, Trump tested negative for the coronavirus. Or as the coronavirus put it, “Thankfully, I tested negative for Trump.” (Everybody’s happy.)

That’s right, President Trump tested negative - or as he told Don Jr. and Eric, “I’m super-duper contagious - to be safe, you should move to Wuhan.”

But a spokesman for China’s Foreign Ministry suggested the U.S. military may have brought the virus to Wuhan. Then Trump tweeted, “Another MAJOR export thanks to Your Favorite President! Enjoy!”

USA Today says if things get worse, there could be six patients for every hospital bed. Man – never good when your prognosis is worse than the grandparents in “Willy Wonka.”

Hotels were drastically affected by the virus, with many laying off employees. It’s really sad – at Motel 6, I saw a bedbug leaving with a box of his stuff. (Or HER stuff!)

Speaking of hotels, Florida lawmaker Andrew Gillum was found in a hotel room with several bags of meth. When they heard a man who almost became Governor was busted for meth, Florida residents demanded a recount. “Now that’s leadership!”

And it turns out the Dead Sea Scrolls at the Museum of the Bible are all forgeries. Staff made the discovery when they noticed each one ended with “#MondayMotivation.”

And with the season suspended, NBA star Kevin Love donated $100,000 to the arena staff in Cleveland. Most called Love “generous,” while his Uncle Mike called him, “adopted.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.13.20

You’re stuck inside waiting on stuff. I’m stuck inside waiting on stuff. And I know a lot of these jokes may not age well. But from the sounds of it, neither will we.

Last night, the NBA suspended its season due to the coronavirus. Or as the Knicks put it, “After consulting with health officials, we have decided to skip the playoffs. Fans come first!”

Before that, they were going to play in empty arenas, but LeBron James said he wouldn’t. Mainly because he didn’t want people at home to hear him call teammates “Hey you!”

Yeah, they were going to play in empty arenas. Which would’ve gotten weird when all the players stop just to listen to Bill Walton. “Dave – have YOU ever seen Zeus surf the Euphrates on a redwood??”

Before all this, the NBA issued a warning to reporters telling them to keep a safe distance from the players. Let’s see how French star Rudy Gobert responded to that:

 Pretty funny. Let’s see what happened next…

Even Bernie Sanders was like, “HEALTHCARE FOR ALL BUT HIM!”

Who’d have thought Giuliani would be our second-dumbest Rudy?

Also - look at the Commissioner, Adam Silver in that picture. You know your league’s in trouble when the healthiest guy looks like Judge Doom when he turns into a toon.

Meanwhile, Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” will air without a live audience. Host and “Real Housewives” creator Andy Cohen said, “Exposure to the disease could destroy countless families – and frankly, I’ve grown bored with that.”

Lots of TV shows are airing without live audiences, and writers are working remotely. So if you’re offered a chance to “temporarily” write from home – hi, I’m you in two years. (Lock your desk!!)

MIT and Tufts sent students home for the rest of the semester. That’s when you know this virus is bad – when people who could cure it are like, “DEUCES Y’ALL!”

And Chuck E. Cheese detailed their efforts to prevent the spread of germs, including frequent cleaning, closure of games, and an emphasis on hand washing. Then they told the kids to hug a giant rat so they could fish a hobo out of the ball pit.

And there are rumors WWE could be forced to cancel WrestleMania 36. When asked why he’s worried about the virus, John Cena said, “You can’t see it.” (If you survived that joke, you’re gonna be fine.)

It really doesn’t make sense that WWE would cancel. Especially since Ric Flair is the only one greeting people safely:

But some good news for fans: Patriots great Rob Gronkowski signed with the WWE. But it was awkward when they said he was gonna win and he said, “Wait, how do you know?? (Did Santa tell you??)”

Yep, Gronk is in WWE. For his finisher, he’s gonna give a big splash – you know, just like Robert Kraft. 

Hey, speaking of old pervs: Harvey Weinstein was sentenced to 23 years in prison. And in an ironic twist, is now expected to outlive us all.

And lastly, Joe Biden got into a fight with a Trump supporter over the Second Amendment and said, “You’re full of shit.” Then the man said, “Of course I am – I’ve been out of toilet paper for a week.”

A good friend of mine was badly mugged last fall in New York City, and he told me what probably saved his life was that he wouldn’t let himself go down. By just forcing himself to stay up, he survived long enough for help to arrive, and now he’s doing great, and back doing what he loves. He’s an inspiration to me, and hopefully to you. (No, my friend isn’t Tom Hanks.)

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Just Some Jokes 3.8.20

Today was International Women’s Day! Or as primary voters put it, “International what now Day?”

International Women’s Day is when we honor the amazing women in our lives by paying them compliments and respect. Then Chris Matthews said, “I’m not fallin’ for THAT again! That’s how they GETCHA!!”

Today was also the start of Daylight Savings, and we all lost an hour. As opposed to that other way to lose an hour: ask a Bernie supporter, “How’s it going?”

We all lost an hour. While some lost twoasking Trump for an update on the coronavirus. “The germs are filthy. Just nasty. But I have to say, there are also some fine germs being treated VERY unfairly.”

But you can tell Trump’s nervous, because today, he wore two diapers in his tanning bed.

There are actually rumors online Trump may have…had an accident after these photos went viral on Twitter:

Finally – a leak that didn’t come from Pence or Kushner.

You know Hollywood’s out of ideas when they’re rebooting The Pee Tape.

I knew it was about to get worse when Trump found a sofa to hide behind and started tweeting. “Leave me alone!!”

Trump fought back by tweeting that he has a perfectly coordinated and fine-tuned plan for explaining and containing the coronavirus – but refused to elaborate. Okay, guess we’ll just have to trust him…

Anyway, Austin had to cancel the South by Southwest Festival. Great – NOW how am I gonna learn what’s “comedy” from guys who should be designing screensavers?

There are also rumors Coachella could be canceled due to the coronavirus. Or, they could go with my plan: just let it get wiped out by all the other viruses at Coachella.

Even Weird Al Yankovic weighed in, saying he wouldn’t record a new song called “My Corona.” Then Trump tweeted, “In that case forget what I said – we have no plan.” I KNEW it!

Meanwhile, Ben Carson refused to “preview” the plan for docking a cruise ship with 21 virus-stricken passengers. However, he did provide this simulated preview.

That looks like the worst cruz since Ted.

Actually, (SEGUES!!)…Ted Cruz announced he is quarantining himself for a week over fears he was exposed to the coronavirus. Then the virus said, “Oh my God - they wanna set me up with Ted Cruz? I gotta hit the gym or something…”

Apparently, Cruz shook hands and had a brief interaction with a patient who tested positive at CPAC. So as a precaution, Cruz says he plans to wear latex gloves when he likes porn links.

To prevent the spread of the virus, the NBA is talking about playing games without any fans in the arena. Then the Knicks said, “See? We’re just ahead of our time!”

Players are not happy about it. They said, “You mean now, WE have to listen to Jeff Van Gundy??”

Yeah, empty arenas. Which is going to make the Kiss Cam…just as awkward and horrible as it already is. “KISS HER!...WE MEAN YOUR WIFE, BIDEN!!”

Spike Lee announced he is boycotting the rest of the Knicks’ games after the team banned him from entering through a private elevator. The team said, “If Mr. Lee is worried about his privacy, he can do like all our other fans and wear a paper bag over his head.”

There’s also talk about holding March Madness without any fans. It’s gonna be sad when they have to tell an empty stadium, “The MVP goes to – Lori Loughlin’s daughter!”

It’s truly amazing this is happening, especially with baseball around the corner. I can’t wait for the first guy to get hit with a pitch, and instead of charging, saying, “I’m unliking all your Insta posts!”

Actually, Major League Baseball asked teams to cut back on the amount of autographs signed during spring training. And the Red Sox responded by trading everyone you’d possibly give a shit about.

Now that the virus is spreading, couples are raiding Costco for supplies. Well, wives are raiding them for supplies, while husbands have been dead inside for years. “I don’t see ‘Step Brothers DVD’ on the list I gave you. Do YOU see ‘Step Brothers DVD’ on the list I gave you??”

In the middle of this, Costco had at one pretty notable shopper. Take a look:

On the bright side - when it saw that, the coronavirus turned right around and left.

Just when you thought they were done slashing prices…BUT FOLKS!

Actually, a minor league baseball team in Charleston is scrapping plans for an “OJ Trial Night.” They said they’re sorry, and hope everyone can still have fun on “Epstein Was Murdered Day.”

But one of the issues causing a panic during the coronavirus is an anticipated lack of toilet paper. However, it’s also led to a giant spike in sales for this:

And the Vatican reported its first case of the coronavirus. But instead of treating the virus, they’re just going to change its name and transfer it to another parish.

The Vatican says it’s as puzzled as everyone else by the virus – then continued to let hundreds of strangers sip from the same chalice.

But in order to stop the spread of the disease, the Pope gave a livestream of Mass. But everyone clicked out when he began, “Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy what’s up you guys??”

Airlines in Europe are flying empty planes so they don’t lose their scheduled routes during the corona scare. And since there aren’t any passengers, flight attendants break the pilots’ elbows with beverage carts.

Yeah, planes are landing without a single passenger on board. Though that is not how the Spirit Airlines flights took off. “We’re lagging. Ditch another fatty!”

People are still talking about this awkward moment Joe Biden had on Super Tuesday – check it out:

I don’t know about New Hampshire, but he’s got Maine locked up.

Trump couldn’t believe it – he was like, “You don’t hit on your sister!! You hit on your DAUGHTER!”

Despite being an early favorite, Elizabeth Warren dropped out – meaning the next debate will feature just two men. Which also explains why the moderator is Quentin Tarantino.

Yep, the next debate will feature Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden. Each candidate will receive 90 seconds for a rebuttal, and two minutes to unwrap a cough drop.

Today, Jesse Jackson endorsed Bernie Sanders, while Kamala Harris endorsed Joe Biden. Then the two of them met at a bar and said, “It’s St. Patrick’s Day somewhere!”

Melania Trump is being criticized for building a tennis pavilion during the coronavirus outbreak. But don’t worry; it’s gonna be steamrolled next January to make room for Biden’s Paintball Bonanza.

But the tennis pavilion is already causing some confusion. Whenever Melania says “Zero-love,” people assume she’s referring to her marriage.

Bill Clinton says that he had his affair with Monica Lewinsky to “manage” his anxiety. When asked what made him anxious, he said, “My other affairs.”

Yeah, Bill Clinton says he had an affair to “manage his anxiety.” Then Michelle took a look at Barack’s hair and said, “You’re clean. (And stop getting mad when people ask if you’re my Grandpa.)”

The publishing house Hachette announced that it’s canceling Woody Allen’s autobiography. They made the call after impassioned pleas from concerned advocates: Woody Allen’s attorneys.

Woody Allen’s autobiography is canceled. It was a weird book, because each page after 15 was just numbered “Meh.”

An exorcist says he once saw a woman pick up a man larger than her and toss him across the room. When asked what happened next, he said, “Bloomberg dropped out, and a few days later, so did she.”

The podcast Reply All went viral, when a man remembered the lyrics and melody of a song from his youth, and the hosts worked tirelessly to track down the recording. Until finally, after months of exhaustive research they said, “The song is ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash,’ and you wrote it, Mr. Richards.”

The world’s first cloned cat, C.C., died at 18. She was surrounded by her owners, her vet, and five other C.C.’s.

And lastly, as part of a settlement with his ex-wife, William Shatner was awarded the couple’s supply of horse semen. When asked how many horses they own, Shatner said, “Oh – I don’t own a horse.”

Wash your hands, y’all.

-Jon

HEY - ONE MORE THING: If you haven’t, please listen to the aforementioned Reply All podcast. Just give it a listen. You’ll have so much fun and the ending is fantastic. Movie-worthy. even.

SPOILER ALERT:

I’d not only own this song, but know every single lyric by heart. Hope in a hopeless time…

Just Some Jokes 3.2.20

Well, here’s what I’m talking about…

The big story is the coronavirus, and experts are warning people to avoid crowds or large social gatherings. Which explains that new slogan: “Jon Rineman: I Definitely Don’t Have the Coronavirus.”

It’s on everyone’s minds. For her birthday, my daughter asked for “Nod-From-A-Distance Elmo.”

Then after nervously milling around behind me, my parents’ dogs finally said, “Can you just tell us what you had for lunch?”

President Trump announced that Mike Pence would head up his Coronavirus Task Force. The way it works is: if you’re paler than Mike Pence, you have the coronavirus.

But I’m sure with Mike Pence in charge, we don’t have to worry at all about germs—

Welp…I’ll probably try and meet Babe Ruth first. Maybe Lincoln?

But people were upset when a picture got out showing Pence’s Task Force has zero women. Then Trump said, “You want to add cooties to the equation??”

Trump told reporters we’re dealing with the virus by ordering “a lot of different elements of medical.” While his speechwriter is apparently “ordering a lot of different elements of edible.”

Trump seemed to take credit for his “handling” of the virus by closing the borders. Because as we all know, nothing stops airborne germs like a grounded wall. “I’ve also asked all mosquitos with West Nile to fly no higher than two feet! You’re welcome!”

It was announced that the virus has spread to New York. But the way Reuters reported it was a little misleading. Take a look:

If you have a Headline, send it to “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank CA 91523! We’ll be right back to Terry Bradshaw!”

I believe that’s known as “sick-bait.” (Uh-thankyou.)

Now that it’s made its way to the state, many are afraid of a pandemic in New York City. But Mayor de Blasio assured New Yorkers it would be killed instantly by all the other viruses in New York City. “Well well well – who’s the tourist?”

Experts say the virus could lead to emptier sports stadiums this spring. Then the Orioles said, “So, the chairs are gonna leave, too?”

There’s also a movement to eliminate handshakes, and replace them with fist-bumps. People were like, “People touch everything with their hands! What’s the worst they could touch with their fists oh my god let’s go back to handshakes.”

In fact, a survey says 38% percent of beer drinkers won’t buy Corona because of the coronavirus. “Welcome to our world!” said the makers of Scurvy Ale. (Have you met Jeff Scurvy? He’s a sweetheart!)

But the virus has made its way to the U.S. And doctors issued a warning that if you exhibited recent bouts of choking, there’s a chance you’re Bernie Sanders.

On Saturday, Joe Biden scored a decisive win in South Carolina. Biden said he was humbled by the support, and hopes others will honor him with their vote tomorrow. Nah – he dumped Gatorade on his campaign manager and yelled, “I’M GOIN’ TO LEGOLAND!!”

It revived Biden’s campaign, and people were already pushing him to “draft Kamala” as his running mate. But before his staff could clarify “Kamala Harris,” Biden already had 500 of these posters made:

“And my cabinet?? All Doinks!”

Bernie Sanders downplayed his loss to Biden, saying, “We are putting together a coalition of multiracial, multigenerational coalition of African-Americans, Latinos, whites, Native Americans, Asian-Americans.” Which I think was his way of saying he’d been endorsed by Vin Diesel?

Bernie also held a rally with Public Enemy, but Flavor Flav refused to appear. Then Bernie put a giant sundial around his neck and said, “1929 WAS THE NUMBAH! ANOTHER SUMMAH! WE MUST GET DOWN WITH THE FUNKY DRUMMAH, BROTHAS AND A HANDFUL OF SISTAHS!”

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday - which sounds less like a political benchmark and more like a term the most annoying person in your office would coin. “It’s my favorite - besides Marvelous Monday and Wacky Wednesday!”

Elizabeth Warren’s campaign manager said she is “poised” to finish second in eight states. Which explains Warren’s Secret Service codename: “Pepsi.”

But Warren is hoping for a win in the state of Massachusetts; Sanders is leading the state of California; and Michael Bloomberg’s a lock in the state of denial.

Actually, Trump took some time to weigh in on the primaries, and Bloomberg in particular:

Shout out to the guys from FEMA who helped him back up.

Incidentally, “AHHHHHH, GET ME OFF!” was the only line in Trump’s wedding vows.

Tom Steyer dropped out the race, but promised to keep spreading awareness about environmental issues. Especially since he spent so much on his campaign, he now has to sleep outside.

If nothing else, we’ll have something pretty special to remember Steyer by. Here he is dancing to the song “Back that Azz Up” at an event the night before he dropped out:

Hey - still the least disturbing video of a politician with a Juvenile.

And Pete Buttigieg dropped out, meaning we’ll have to wait for another candidate to break the tradition of a First Lady living in the White House. Then Melania said, “Ha – okay.”

Amy Klobuchar dropped out today. But I think she’ll be fine. She could always be…

• The grandma at a piano recital who takes out a flask and says, “Time for my juice box.” 

• Your aunt at Thanksgiving who says, “Can you pass the potatoes? Unlike the bar exam.”

• The morning drive time sidekick who says, “I know some gals who’d love to rock Dwayne’s Johnson.”

• The wedding guest who says “A white gown for her? Ooooookay, Mother Teresa!”

• Or, the Comedy Central panelist who waits for the right time to jump in and say “Yeah – in my pants!”

The number one movie at the box office was “The Invisible Man,” and it’s about a guy using a suit that makes him invisible to commit horrible acts on women. Which should explain things when you see a walker with no one behind it saunter into Harvey Weinstein’s sentencing.

That’s right, “The Invisible Man” came in first at movie theaters. And thanks to the coronavirus, it was able to do so by making just 12 dollars.

There are a bunch of paranormal films coming out this year. One of the most anticipated is “Ghostbusters: Afterlife,” where the events of the original film are known as the “Manhattan Crossrip.” Manhattan Crossrip? That sounds like something your landlord does when he squats down to fix your sink.

The Manhattan Crossrip? That’s what happens to your pants when you sit in “gum” on the 4 Train.

The Manhattan Crossrip? That’s what Trump asks for when he goes to SuperCuts. “Gimme a Manhattan Crossrip – and while I’m waiting, a Jersey Shore Faceblast.”

Oprah is recovering after a nasty fall during her motivational tour. She was like, “Everyone in the front row look under your seats and PICK ME UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!”

It was pretty scary. She was like, “Is anyone here a doctor?? Not named Oz or Phil??”

Oprah actually fell right when she was giving a lecture on “balance.” Then when she moved onto “drive,” she got run over by a Honda.

Judge Judy announced she will be ending her show after 25 years. Yep, after all those years of sitting around in a robe, she’ll finally get to…keep doing that.

But “Judge Judy” is ending. When asked what she’ll do now that she’s retired, she said, “Same as anyone – watch ‘Judge Judy.’”

Tony Romo signed a deal to stay with CBS Sports for 17-million-dollars a year – an all-time record for an analyst. Not to be outdone, Rob Gronkowski agreed to say at Fox for a mix of Goldfish and animal crackers. “Surf ‘n Turf, bro!!”

And there are more rumors saying it’s unlikely Tom Brady will return to the Patriots. Robert Kraft was so tense, his morning massage lasted thirty-five seconds.

Scientists claim to have discovered the first extraterrestrial protein. While an alien followed me around the store asking if I wanted a second bottle half-off by signing up for GNC’s rewards program.

Officials in Ohio found a 25-year-old alligator living in a man’s basement. When asked how they knew it was 25, they said, “It had a rental car.”

Some sad news: the founder of Trader Joe’s passed away at 89. Meanwhile, the founder of Whole Foods died from the exact same thing at 124.95.

And lastly, a performer with Puppetry of the Penis injured his testicles with a corkscrew during a show. Even weirder – the show was “Hamilton.”

Hey, speaking of Kamala. The man behind the Ugandan Giant, James Harris, has undergone some really rough times as of late. If you’d like to pitch in and help out, please go here.

Have a wonderful week,

Jon