Well, Sunday was another tense night. Officials said, “Keep your distance from others, avoid all physical contact, and just try to stay calm.” Then they said, “Now get out there and have a good debate, Mr. Biden.”
There’s actually a new test for the coronavirus: see if you turn as pale as Bernie Sanders when Biden said he’d pick a female running mate. “I WAS JUST ONE PERCENT PREPARED FOR THIS!!”
At their debate last night, Joe Biden pledged to pick a woman as his running mate. Then Pete Buttigieg slunk into a waiting limo, said, “Y’all don’t know me!” and told everyone to check out his SoundCloud.
Biden said he made the decision after thoroughly vetting some qualified women. Then his staff said, “Actually, he spent the weekend watching ‘Frozen 2.’” “That Olaf’s a real snowball-buster, amirite??”
But this is real: Joe Biden promised to pick a female running mate. Everyone was excited, until he said “AND HERE SHE IS!!”
It wasn’t a great debate for either candidate. Bernie accidentally called the coronavirus “SARS,” while Biden accidentally called it “Ebola.” While Trump accidentally called them “Ren & Stimpy.”
Speaking of cartoons from the 90s: Kid Rock is refusing to shut down his bar in Nashville, and called a mandate to close “unconstitutional.” Then he debuted his new single: “American Dumbass.”
And R.E.M.’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” is actually charting again because of the virus. But so far, no such luck for the B-52’s rarity: “Soap Hut.” 🎵“Bumpin’ and a wavin’, sittin’ and a readin’ baby!” “FOLKS lining UP inSIDE just to SOAP dowwwwwwwwn!”🎵
And this isn’t good: Idris Elba tested positive for the coronavirus, and will begin a two-week quarantine. In completely unrelated news, your wife just got a job with Postmates.
But restaurants all over the country are closing. Wendy’s stored all its food in a freezer; Burger King threw it all out; and Arby’s banged some pots and pans together ‘til it ran back into the alley.
A leaked document says the crisis in the UK could last up to a year, endangering the elderly. Then Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip said, “Damn! Good thing we pulled a ‘Get Out’ on Harry and Megan.”
And lastly, Arnold Schwarzenegger released a video encouraging people to stay inside where he was joined by a couple of friends:
Then the horses said, “We’re actually boys, and we just met this guy five minutes ago.”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon