Today was International Women’s Day! Or as primary voters put it, “International what now Day?”
International Women’s Day is when we honor the amazing women in our lives by paying them compliments and respect. Then Chris Matthews said, “I’m not fallin’ for THAT again! That’s how they GETCHA!!”
Today was also the start of Daylight Savings, and we all lost an hour. As opposed to that other way to lose an hour: ask a Bernie supporter, “How’s it going?”
We all lost an hour. While some lost twoasking Trump for an update on the coronavirus. “The germs are filthy. Just nasty. But I have to say, there are also some fine germs being treated VERY unfairly.”
But you can tell Trump’s nervous, because today, he wore two diapers in his tanning bed.
There are actually rumors online Trump may have…had an accident after these photos went viral on Twitter:
Finally – a leak that didn’t come from Pence or Kushner.
You know Hollywood’s out of ideas when they’re rebooting The Pee Tape.
I knew it was about to get worse when Trump found a sofa to hide behind and started tweeting. “Leave me alone!!”
Trump fought back by tweeting that he has a perfectly coordinated and fine-tuned plan for explaining and containing the coronavirus – but refused to elaborate. Okay, guess we’ll just have to trust him…
Anyway, Austin had to cancel the South by Southwest Festival. Great – NOW how am I gonna learn what’s “comedy” from guys who should be designing screensavers?
There are also rumors Coachella could be canceled due to the coronavirus. Or, they could go with my plan: just let it get wiped out by all the other viruses at Coachella.
Even Weird Al Yankovic weighed in, saying he wouldn’t record a new song called “My Corona.” Then Trump tweeted, “In that case forget what I said – we have no plan.” I KNEW it!
Meanwhile, Ben Carson refused to “preview” the plan for docking a cruise ship with 21 virus-stricken passengers. However, he did provide this simulated preview.
That looks like the worst cruz since Ted.
Actually, (SEGUES!!)…Ted Cruz announced he is quarantining himself for a week over fears he was exposed to the coronavirus. Then the virus said, “Oh my God - they wanna set me up with Ted Cruz? I gotta hit the gym or something…”
Apparently, Cruz shook hands and had a brief interaction with a patient who tested positive at CPAC. So as a precaution, Cruz says he plans to wear latex gloves when he likes porn links.
To prevent the spread of the virus, the NBA is talking about playing games without any fans in the arena. Then the Knicks said, “See? We’re just ahead of our time!”
Players are not happy about it. They said, “You mean now, WE have to listen to Jeff Van Gundy??”
Yeah, empty arenas. Which is going to make the Kiss Cam…just as awkward and horrible as it already is. “KISS HER!...WE MEAN YOUR WIFE, BIDEN!!”
Spike Lee announced he is boycotting the rest of the Knicks’ games after the team banned him from entering through a private elevator. The team said, “If Mr. Lee is worried about his privacy, he can do like all our other fans and wear a paper bag over his head.”
There’s also talk about holding March Madness without any fans. It’s gonna be sad when they have to tell an empty stadium, “The MVP goes to – Lori Loughlin’s daughter!”
It’s truly amazing this is happening, especially with baseball around the corner. I can’t wait for the first guy to get hit with a pitch, and instead of charging, saying, “I’m unliking all your Insta posts!”
Actually, Major League Baseball asked teams to cut back on the amount of autographs signed during spring training. And the Red Sox responded by trading everyone you’d possibly give a shit about.
Now that the virus is spreading, couples are raiding Costco for supplies. Well, wives are raiding them for supplies, while husbands have been dead inside for years. “I don’t see ‘Step Brothers DVD’ on the list I gave you. Do YOU see ‘Step Brothers DVD’ on the list I gave you??”
In the middle of this, Costco had at one pretty notable shopper. Take a look:
On the bright side - when it saw that, the coronavirus turned right around and left.
Just when you thought they were done slashing prices…BUT FOLKS!
Actually, a minor league baseball team in Charleston is scrapping plans for an “OJ Trial Night.” They said they’re sorry, and hope everyone can still have fun on “Epstein Was Murdered Day.”
But one of the issues causing a panic during the coronavirus is an anticipated lack of toilet paper. However, it’s also led to a giant spike in sales for this:
And the Vatican reported its first case of the coronavirus. But instead of treating the virus, they’re just going to change its name and transfer it to another parish.
The Vatican says it’s as puzzled as everyone else by the virus – then continued to let hundreds of strangers sip from the same chalice.
But in order to stop the spread of the disease, the Pope gave a livestream of Mass. But everyone clicked out when he began, “Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy what’s up you guys??”
Airlines in Europe are flying empty planes so they don’t lose their scheduled routes during the corona scare. And since there aren’t any passengers, flight attendants break the pilots’ elbows with beverage carts.
Yeah, planes are landing without a single passenger on board. Though that is not how the Spirit Airlines flights took off. “We’re lagging. Ditch another fatty!”
People are still talking about this awkward moment Joe Biden had on Super Tuesday – check it out:
I don’t know about New Hampshire, but he’s got Maine locked up.
Trump couldn’t believe it – he was like, “You don’t hit on your sister!! You hit on your DAUGHTER!”
Despite being an early favorite, Elizabeth Warren dropped out – meaning the next debate will feature just two men. Which also explains why the moderator is Quentin Tarantino.
Yep, the next debate will feature Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden. Each candidate will receive 90 seconds for a rebuttal, and two minutes to unwrap a cough drop.
Today, Jesse Jackson endorsed Bernie Sanders, while Kamala Harris endorsed Joe Biden. Then the two of them met at a bar and said, “It’s St. Patrick’s Day somewhere!”
Melania Trump is being criticized for building a tennis pavilion during the coronavirus outbreak. But don’t worry; it’s gonna be steamrolled next January to make room for Biden’s Paintball Bonanza.
But the tennis pavilion is already causing some confusion. Whenever Melania says “Zero-love,” people assume she’s referring to her marriage.
Bill Clinton says that he had his affair with Monica Lewinsky to “manage” his anxiety. When asked what made him anxious, he said, “My other affairs.”
Yeah, Bill Clinton says he had an affair to “manage his anxiety.” Then Michelle took a look at Barack’s hair and said, “You’re clean. (And stop getting mad when people ask if you’re my Grandpa.)”
The publishing house Hachette announced that it’s canceling Woody Allen’s autobiography. They made the call after impassioned pleas from concerned advocates: Woody Allen’s attorneys.
Woody Allen’s autobiography is canceled. It was a weird book, because each page after 15 was just numbered “Meh.”
An exorcist says he once saw a woman pick up a man larger than her and toss him across the room. When asked what happened next, he said, “Bloomberg dropped out, and a few days later, so did she.”
The podcast Reply All went viral, when a man remembered the lyrics and melody of a song from his youth, and the hosts worked tirelessly to track down the recording. Until finally, after months of exhaustive research they said, “The song is ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash,’ and you wrote it, Mr. Richards.”
The world’s first cloned cat, C.C., died at 18. She was surrounded by her owners, her vet, and five other C.C.’s.
And lastly, as part of a settlement with his ex-wife, William Shatner was awarded the couple’s supply of horse semen. When asked how many horses they own, Shatner said, “Oh – I don’t own a horse.”
Wash your hands, y’all.
-Jon
HEY - ONE MORE THING: If you haven’t, please listen to the aforementioned Reply All podcast. Just give it a listen. You’ll have so much fun and the ending is fantastic. Movie-worthy. even.
SPOILER ALERT:
I’d not only own this song, but know every single lyric by heart. Hope in a hopeless time…