Welp – two years later, and now everyone’s writing from home. I’d say hindsight is 20/20, but I can’t find an optometrist who’ll touch my eyes. Anyway…
“Real Housewives” creator Andy Cohen announced he has tested positive for the coronavirus. But don’t worry: doctors say in no time, the virus will break down completely and shout, “I didn’t come here to make friends!!”
All the late night hosts have been doing shows from home, but it’s times like this we wish Johnny Carson was still alive. Of course after yesterday’s press briefing, we’re wondering if Ben Carson’s still alive.
While President Trump spoke to reporters, it looked like Ben Carson fell asleep on his feet. The good news is he finally woke up. The bad news: he was in Madame Tussauds.
Have you heard about the man who’s not a doctor, but plays one on Twitter? Trump tweeted an unproven and potentially dangerous drug combination he says could sure the virus. In response, people called every Trump supporter they know and said…nothing. “Let us know what happens…or don’t...”
Yep, Trump tweeted out a so-called “cure” for the coronavirus. Then an aide said, “I know you like the song, Mr. President, but a spoon full of sugar will not solve this.”
Some good news: booksellers say social distancing has led to more sales. But instead of asking if the book’s “fun an interesting,” people ask if the pages are “soft and absorbent.”
And many say isolating has allowed them to spend more time with their pets. In fact one person said their cat has actually learned to say, “When you die, I’m going to eat you.”
More stores are closing, and Best Buy was only allowing 15 customers in at a time. Or as that’s known at RadioShack, “Black Friday.” (Easy joke, in for a reason. I have a plan to save ‘em. The next Friday Feelings.)
But I think I waited too long to go there. When I asked for their most recent baseball game, the cover featured Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Meanwhile, The XFL had to cancel its season due to the coronavirus. They said all the teams will be up and running next year – except for the Carolina Coronaviruses.
Because of the virus, many restaurants are now offering curbside pickup. And this is nice – if a bird flies into your home, Popeye’s will grill it for free. “But bats will cost ya!”
Steve Martin gave us a cool surprise, tweeting a clip where he plays banjo for 78 seconds. This breaks the record for longest anyone’s watched a banjo clip by…77 seconds.
But seriously, we’re living in scary times. So if you see an old man who’s lost, confused and babbling incoherently, just remember: you could’ve voted for Clinton or Warren.
Keep Yourselves Up (And Know When to Hold ‘Em),
Jon