So my friends heard their six-year-old singing “Happy Birthday” while he washed his hands - and then at the end say 🎵“to NOBODY….”🎵 😂 I told them, “I hope his part-time job in high school is working at Applebees, just so he can sing that to people.”
It’s funnier than anything I got. But, here we go:
To enforce its quarantine, the government is apparently working with Twitter to track where users are tweeting. That’s why today, Trump installed a toilet in the Oval Office. “Everybody out - gotta land an Air Force 2…”
But the coronavirus is getting more serious. Yesterday, people urged others to donate to charity, keep in touch with loved ones, and stay calm to preserve their immune systems. Then they got back to endlessly trashing someone from “High School Musical.”
Yesterday, people were criticizing Vanessa Hudgens for insensitive remarks she made about the virus on Monday. It took a whole day because they needed to time delete all the insensitive remarks THEY made about the virus on Monday.
And Jared Leto says he emerged from silently meditating in the desert to learn about the coronavirus. But at first he didn’t take it seriously, because people usually pretend to die when he talks about meditating. “It’s literally JUST BREATHING! You GOTTA try it!!”
Dr. Oz urged couples to use the quarantine to have more sex. Then Dr. Phil asked to see his degree. “That’s wackier than a talkin’ mime! Shit, that made sense. I’ve got the virus.”
The virus lead German Chancellor Angela Merkel to make what some are calling the most impassioned address ever in Germany. Then historians said, “Wait, what about—” and Germany said, “OUR MOST IMPASSIONED ADDRESS EVER.”
And France’s President Emmanuel Macron urged citizens to remain inside their homes. The French said, “It’s not hard enough to homeschool our toddlers – now we must tolerate their cigarette smoke??”
Health experts say people in their 70s might need to isolate for three months. I feel terrible thinking about my parents – but mainly because of that thing Dr. Oz said. 🤮
Private jet operators are turning down requests from the super rich hoping to escape the virus. The super-rich were furious – they said, “But I posted a charity’s logo on Instagram!”
In Tel Aviv, a man tried to return a stolen 2,000-year-old artifact so if the world ends, he has a clear conscience. That story again: Nicolas Cage is just fine.
Because of the pandemic, there hasn’t been quite as much election coverage. But on the bright side…wait, that is the bright side.
Joe Biden won primaries in Florida, Arizona and Illinois. Biden said he couldn’t have done it without those who still went out and voted, and personally called to thank them both.
And Utah had a 5.7 magnitude earthquake last night. In fact there was so much movement, residents reported numerous cases of dancing. (You have to report it in Utah.)
And lastly, Universal announced that this weekend, movies in theaters will be available on-demand. Even better: “Cats” won’t.
The reason this site started up again in December was to cope on Sundays. Then in January, a…more tangible reason arose. (👀 Stay tuned.) But the reason it’s now daily is because, like you, I just want to stay sane and do what I love. Always try to find a safe way. (And instead of getting mad at people’s jokes on Twitter, you can get mad solely at mine.) But many are doing this type of thing, and with that in mind, here’s something a friend made. Share it, urge him to do it in-studio, let’s get him another #1. It’s great, and so, so, SO smart on many levels. And he is, after all (What) a Good Boy…
Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Page:
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
And Happy Birthday Mimi! We love and miss you. 💚
