Today I turned 37 years old! Everywhere I went, people were singing “Happy Birthday.” Then they said, “Actually, we were just washing our hands.”
That’s right, I turned 37 during the coronavirus. And nothing says “fun” like putting out 37 individual candles with a snuffer.
Also celebrating a birthday today is our favorite Beach Boy, Mike Love. When they saw him coming, the other Beach Boys turned off the lights and hid. Then after a few minutes, they said, “Phew – that was close.” (“Wait – what if he’s levitating above us??”)
But my most famous birthday twin is actually Saint Nicholas. You know Santa - he’s the 1,677-year-old who we now have to shout wishes at from 50 yards away?
Of course, almost everything is closed due to the coronavirus, including Disneyland. The crazy thing is, even the virus had to wait 45 minutes to ride Space Mountain. “The hell’s going on up there??”
Actually, both Disneyland and Disney World are closed. Which is a shame, because the robot Trump in the Hall of Presidents gives better updates on the virus than the real one.
Thankfully, Trump tested negative for the coronavirus. Or as the coronavirus put it, “Thankfully, I tested negative for Trump.” (Everybody’s happy.)
That’s right, President Trump tested negative - or as he told Don Jr. and Eric, “I’m super-duper contagious - to be safe, you should move to Wuhan.”
But a spokesman for China’s Foreign Ministry suggested the U.S. military may have brought the virus to Wuhan. Then Trump tweeted, “Another MAJOR export thanks to Your Favorite President! Enjoy!”
USA Today says if things get worse, there could be six patients for every hospital bed. Man – never good when your prognosis is worse than the grandparents in “Willy Wonka.”
Hotels were drastically affected by the virus, with many laying off employees. It’s really sad – at Motel 6, I saw a bedbug leaving with a box of his stuff. (Or HER stuff!)
Speaking of hotels, Florida lawmaker Andrew Gillum was found in a hotel room with several bags of meth. When they heard a man who almost became Governor was busted for meth, Florida residents demanded a recount. “Now that’s leadership!”
And it turns out the Dead Sea Scrolls at the Museum of the Bible are all forgeries. Staff made the discovery when they noticed each one ended with “#MondayMotivation.”
And with the season suspended, NBA star Kevin Love donated $100,000 to the arena staff in Cleveland. Most called Love “generous,” while his Uncle Mike called him, “adopted.”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon