Today is my Mom’s birthday! When I sang 🎵“How old are you now??”🎵 she said, “Somehow, younger than you. What you wanna talk about now? Still Traveling Wilburys, or we back to D.B. Cooper?”
Anyway…
It’s Monday, so we review the Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:
1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.
2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.
3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”
4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.
We’re still social distancing, with people staying at least six feet away from each other. That’s why today, someone actually said, “Could you please speak up, Senator Sanders?”
Over the weekend, Joe Biden recorded a 21-minute podcast. Then he asked for help uploading from a “Home Alone 2” Talkboy. “Hope and Change, you filthy animals!!”
In today’s apocalyptic fever dream, President Trump called the MyPillow guy up to speak at his press briefing. And that was after firing an aide who said the Geico Gecko isn’t real. “Then get me the Budweiser Frogs!!”
It makes sense the MyPillow guy supports Trump, since we haven’t slept in four years.
Many wonder why networks are still airing Trump’s press briefings - especially after this:
Right after seeing that, Hell put up a “No Vacancy” sign.
Many New Yorkers are calling for a “rent strike” until work can resume. But New York City landlords said if their tenants so much as miss one month’s rent, they’ll keep treating them just as bad as always. “If I fix the sink, then there’s no water for the roaches to drink, then who’s gonna eat all the ants??”
The Daily Beast says even the Mafia’s had to adjust during the pandemic. Which explains why one guy was like, “I Zoom with a guy who Zooms with a guy. Don’t worry about it…”
A locked-down museum in Amsterdam says someone broke in and stole a painting by Van Gogh. And when he saw Van Gogh trending, Trump said, “He’s got it?? Okay – now we should quarantine. (He’s the guy who draws Waldo, right??)”
Meanwhile, a man in England is running a marathon in his back yard. Not on purpose – he just bumped into a hornets’ nest. “RUN THE HOSEPIPE FROM THE WATER CLOSET!!”
And lastly, ESPN will run classic Monday Night Football games every week. It’ll give people a chance to see current greats like Aaron Rodgers, Drew Breese and Tom Brady, as well as names from 50 years ago like Joe Namath, Johnny Unitas and Tom Brady.
(If you didn’t see that last one coming, you need to isolate.)
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
Happy Birthday, Mom! Love you!
