The Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:
1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.
2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.
3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”
4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.
Welp - Happy April Fools’ Year?
Yep, today is April Fools’ Day. But since we’re all stuck at home, I got my fix by hiding my cat’s stapler. (Haha! Now she’ll never finish my taxes!)
I’m trying to find silver linings. Like on one hand, every day we hear updates from President Trump. But since the entire month is 4/20, you can also experience updates from President SpongeBob.
Because everyone’s staying inside, more people are growing beards. In fact after watching that BTS livestream, my Dad said, “ZZ Top’s still got it!”
When I said, “That’s BTS. They grew beards like you, Dad,” Mom said, “Dad’s upstairs.”
Today, Governor Cuomo said, “There is no superhero who is immune to this disease.” Then another guy said, “Holy hazards, Batman! We better take a bath together!”
Experts say the oil industry could collapse because of the pandemic. Oil companies haven’t faced a drop like this since Donald Trump Jr. decided just to wear a hat.
Since all the malls are closed, wild animals have been breaking in. On the bright side, a family of squirrels just sold the most stuff at Sears in over three decades. “I’m telling you – this is a quality mower. Scares the shit out of us every time!”
After the players’ pay was frozen, the NBA might hold a quarantined playoff tournament in Las Vegas. Because when I hear “financially unstable NBA players,” my first thought is, “Let’s add Vegas to the equation.”
And Sony has pushed the release of “Ghostbusters: Afterlife” to next March. Of course, this led to crying, screaming and a massive tantrum – then my daughter said, “Relax Dad, we’ll see it next year.”
I read that Wayne Brady is self-isolating with his ex-wife and her new boyfriend. Then Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie said, “You know – we’re actually cool just watching this one.”
Xerox is canceling its hostile takeover of HP. According to business analysts, the pandemic really hurt Xerox’s top revenue stream: people copying their butts.
It’s scary though. And to show you how serious I’m taking this virus, when I wash my hands now, instead of “Happy Birthday,” I sing Bob Dylan’s new song about JFK.
I don’t want to say Dylan’s voice is bad, but they had to autotune his voicemail greeting.
I don’t want to say the song’s too long, but if you press play just while you’re starting a cross-country road trip, you’ll drive your car directly into the Grand Canyon.
I don’t want to say he rambles too much, but halfway through, the MyPillow guy shows up.
And lastly, speaking of music: The Who’s Pete Townshend is making a new record while under quarantine. Yep, it’s called “Don’t Let My Love in the Door.”
Like everyone, I’m saddened by the news of Adam Schlesinger’s passing from COVID-19. This is a my favorite Fountains of Wayne song, and I hope you enjoy it:
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon