The official website of comedian jon rineman

 TONIGHT SHOW MONOLOGUE JOKES SAMPLE

2017

January:

Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for Mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next Naked Cowboy in Times Square. (BILL CLINTON) "Giddyup!"

Bill and Hillary Clinton announced they will be going to Trump’s inauguration. Even more awkward – Hillary's sitting right next to Putin. (PUTIN, LEAN OVER) “Would you like Altoid?”

We have First Lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! And this is actually her final talk show appearance as First Lady. Everyone's very emotional - in fact after patting me down, the Secret Service gave me a rose. (GRUFF, EMOTIONAL) "Thanks for the memories!"

President Obama gave a big farewell speech in Chicago last night, and at one point, the crowd started chanting “Four more years! Four more years!” While Obama chanted (OBAMA CHANTING) “Not even funny! Not even funny!” (My hair turned grayer just HEARING that!)

Donald and Melania are scheduled to ride with the Obamas to the Capitol on Inauguration Day. And you thought YOUR UberPool was uncomfortable. (OBAMA) “Uhh, just let me out here! Should probably get a little exercise, right Michelle?”

A 2013 interview just resurfaced where Trump says he has a relationship with Vladimir Putin. While Putin’s like, (PUTIN) “Ugh – you poke someone back on Facebook, and next thing you know, you’re in “relationship!”

Hostess is recalling its White Peppermint Twinkies over salmonella concerns. But I guess they canceled the recall, when the salmonella was killed by the stuff that was already in the Twinkies.

The Los Angeles Rams hired 30-year-old Sean McVay to be their head coach, making him the youngest coach in modern NFL history. You can tell he’s young, cuz instead of throwing the challenge flag, he just texts the ref a frowny emoji.

It's reported that Donald Trump will use two Bibles when he takes the oath of office. When asked why, he said, (TRUMP) "In case my hand burns through the first one."

Trump asked 50 senior Obama officials to stay under his administration. They include national security advisor Brett McGurk, DEA official Chuck Rosenberg, and President Obama. (TRUMP) "I'll come by once a week just to check in..."

Denver wants to become the first city in the U.S. to allow marijuana in all public places. And you can tell by some of the signs they're putting up in local establishments - like this mall map that says "You Are Here. But, Like… Where Am I???"

This week, NBC announced that “Will & Grace” will return for 10 episodes! But I read that the apartment where “Will & Grace” lived would cost over 6,500 dollars a month in todays rent prices. Which explains the show's NEW title: "Will & Grace...and Jeff & Pete & Mark & Pam & Cindy."

Well, we’re just a few days into Donald Trump’s presidency. And I don’t know what Trump’s fitness initiative is, but because of him, millions of women got their steps in this weekend. (TRUMP) “So much marching! You’re welcome!”

Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer had a rough time during his first press briefing on Saturday, where he appeared to lie about the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. Another Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway actually tried to defend him, saying that he just gave quote, “alternative facts.” Then people asked HER, "Are you alternative sober??"

Tom Brady was being mocked for wearing a giant coat on the sidelines during yesterday's game. People are like, “Forget the footballs – deflate your jacket!”

President Trump issued a proclamation declaring his inauguration day a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.”  And it turns out Trump is trying to give OTHER holidays unique names as well. For instance, Passover is now "Combover," and Tax Day is now "Canceled."

"Rolling Stone" did a big profile on Mike Pence, and revealed that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he even heard a voice coming from it that said (WHISPER) "If you build it...Mexico won't pay for it.”

Last night on ABC, Donald Trump gave his first interview since becoming president. And Trump said getting the nuclear codes was a very sobering moment for him. Which is interesting, cuz that's also the moment MOST people started drinking.

Trump praised the White House, saying it has the most beautiful phones he's ever used in his life. He says it really takes the sting out of being hung up on by other world leaders. (TRUMP, ON PHONE) "Hello?? Merkel? Oh well, a very nice phone.”

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto canceled his trip to Washington after Trump signed an order to start construction of his border wall. Marking perhaps the only Mexican who’ll actually be kept out by it. (TRUMP) “I stopped ONE! That’s pretty good! It’s not even built yet!”

A new survey finds that nearly two-thirds of Americans have been affected by data theft or fraud. Yet, STILL felt comfortable sharing their personal information with a stranger taking a survey. (DUMB) “I don’t know why this keeps happening to me!!”

It’s reported that President Obama could receive up to 20 million dollars for his upcoming memoir, which is more than any other president. And I guess he’s already come up with a title: "Fifty Shades of Greying."

In a new podcast, Drake says his career goal is to have a sexy late-night TV show. And to that, I say "It's been done."

Miss Kenya said that she thinks President Trump has actually done a lot to unify the U.S. And Trump was so happy with Miss Kenya, he started a rumor that she was born in America.

I read that seven bricks of cocaine were discovered in the nose of an American Airlines plane that was undergoing maintenance. Officials knew something was up when the plane was supposed to land in Florida, but kept going to Mars. (COKED UP) “I feel AMAZING!! Let’s keep going!!”

FEBRUARY:

Trump nominated Colorado appeals judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. Yeah he’s from Colorado – which explains his most famous case: Regular Funyuns vs. Flamin’ Hot Funyuns. (STONER) “I hereby rule that they’re BOTH awesome!”

A source told Us Weekly that Melania Trump is going to wait until later in the year to decide if she'll move to Washington. She said it depends on a lot of factors - like if her husband is still president.

According to the National Chicken Council, Americans will eat over a billion chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday. And as many as three pieces of celery. (DUMB GUY) “Gotta balance it out with some nutrition!

Today is Groundhog Day! This morning, Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw his shadow – which means Trump is gonna start fights with six more countries.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cell phones. While they'll make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

We're two days away from Super Bowl 51! I don’t know about you, but I’m just glad to see a major event where nobody argues about the size of the crowd. (TRUMP) “It was a very large crowd. At least 1.5 million bajillion people there.”

Today, President Trump met with the CEO of Pepsi. They actually have something in common - they’re both America’s second-most popular choice.

El Chapo appeared in federal court in Brooklyn today, where his lawyers complained that his prison conditions are too harsh. Yeah, they said he has a tiny cell with a toilet right in the middle - then New Yorkers said, "What's the rent?"

One sports writer noticed that the Cavs won after being down 3-1 in the NBA Finals, the Cubs won after being down 3-1 in the World Series, and the Patriots won the Super Bowl by scoring 31 straight points. Then his Tinder date went to the restroom and never came back. (DORK) "You see, athletics are nothing without numbers!"

The New York Times reports that Trump is apparently obsessed with the decor in the White House. Though there was one awkward moment when he spent five minutes dusting a statue before he realized it was Mike Pence. (PENCE) “Didn’t want to interrupt you, Mr. President! Great dusting.”

I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey, after it went missing during the game. Then O.J. said, "Whatever you do, don’t listen to me.” (Probably won’t work out…)

It was announced that Playboy is reopening its club in New York City after closing down three decades ago. And you can tell it's the Playboy club, cuz it's hidden underneath a mattress store.

I saw that Nordstrom's stock went up after President Trump attacked them on Twitter for dropping Ivanka's clothing line. Then RadioShack said, "Would you mind attacking US??” (We ALSO refuse to sell her clothes!)

Shaquille O'Neal says he is trying to eat healthier, and has cut soda, bread, sandwiches, and fast food out of his diet. When asked what he's eating instead, he said, (SHAQ) "Mostly trees. (”I like to dip a tree in some ranch dressing for a little snack.”)

At the end of his meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, Trump shook his hand for photographers, but it felt like it went on a little too long. In fact halfway through, Abe was like, (SHAKING HANDS, OFF TO SIDE) "Start the car!"

Major League Baseball is considering a rule change that would put a runner on second base at the start of extra innings. Which explains their new slogan: "Major League Baseball: Even We Get Bored From Baseball."

Adele was the big winner at the Grammys, but after winning for Best Album, she said she thought Beyonce should have won instead. Then Kanye was like, "Damn, she beat me to it!" and went back to his seat.

During his performance with A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes referred to President Trump as “President Agent Orange.” Then the Secret Service said, "Great - now he needs a new codename!"

I saw that someone at Mar-a-Lago posted a Facebook photo with the man carrying the bag with the nuclear launch codes. Even worse? The bag was a purse from the Ivanka Trump Collection. (TRUMP) "Who needs Nordstrom's? I'll buy a bunch and use 'em for work."

From "The Voice," we have Gwen Stefani on the show tonight! Or as one guy put it, (TRUMP) "Finally - a judge I respect!!"

This weekend, Donald Trump will be holding a big rally in Orlando, Florida. And Trump says if there’s time, he’ll head over to Epcot Center and get in fights with all of the countries.

A new survey of historians just ranked James Buchanan as the worst president ever. Then after yesterday, Buchanan said, "I think you guys need to click your refresh button. Cuz a new challenger has emerged!!”

I read that four Generals are being considered to replace Michael Flynn as President Trump's National Security Advisor. When asked about it, this first candidate said (GFX: DAVID PETRAEUS) "I would be honored to serve President Trump." This next candidate said (GFX: KEITH ALEXANDER) "I would be proud to serve my country." The next candidate said (GFX: JIM JONES) "I'm willing to help this nation however I can." And finally, this last candidate said (GFX: CAP'N CRUNCH) "For the last time - I'm a CARTOON on a CEREAL BOX!”

This morning, Donald Trump spoke at the National Museum of African-American History and Culture in Washington D.C. Marking the first presidential speech that was broadcast with a seven-second delay.

Yesterday, Donald Trump announced his new pick for National Security Advisor is Lieutenant General H.R. McMaster. Incidentally, a "McMaster's" is also the best degree you could get from Trump University. (DUMB) “Mom I got my McMasters! It came with a toy!”

I read that Trump's frequent visits to his Mar-a-Lago resort have many wondering if he'll stick with the presidential tradition of visiting Camp David. While others would just be happy if he stuck with the tradition of visiting the White House. (You’re still president on the weekend, dude!)

Another big story is Trump’s ongoing feud with the media - especially his tweet where he called the press, quote, “the enemy of the American people.” Then the American people said, “Nope – that would be kale.” (We still hate kale the most. No one likes kale.)

Former Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee is actually siding with Trump, saying he can relate to how Trump’s being covered. Then even Lincoln Chafee was like, “Wait – who am I again??” (Am I the guy who played the guitar? Nope, that was Martin O’Malley...)

UPS unveiled a new delivery truck that uses drones to fly packages out for delivery. Then UPS drivers were like, "Hey, as long as you're inventing new things for our trucks - how about DOORS??"

John McCain praised Trump’s National Security Adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an “outstanding choice” and a “man of genuine intellect, character, and ability.” Then Trump said, (TRUMP) "In that case, forget it! Get me Steven Seagal!!"

Tonight, President Trump gave his big speech to Congress. And I saw that beforehand, Democrats came out with a “prebuttal” to counter some of Trump’s talking points. Yeah, they know what Trump’s gonna say before he says it – or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) “Must be nice.” (I’m just free-wheelin’ it up there!)”

There’s speculation that President Trump could cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Then he said, (TRUMP) “Actually, I’m canceling ALL egg rolls, just to get back at CHYNA.”

MARCH

Donald Trump’s speech is actually getting pretty good reviews. In fact, a CNN poll found that 69 percent of viewers approved of Trump’s speech. Yeah, 69. Trump called the number impressive, while Mike Pence called it inappropriate. (PENCE) “That’s just uncalled for.”

But not everyone was impressed. In fact, many Democrats actually rushed out at the end of Trump's address. Most were annoyed by Trump's speech - while Bernie Sanders said, (BERNIE, PUSHING PAST) "Drinking a Big Gulp right before was NOT a good idea!"

House Republicans are keeping their Obamacare replacement bill hidden in a basement in Congress, and other lawmakers can’t get to it. Then Nicolas Cage was like, (CAGE) “Don’t worry, you guys - I got this! I gotta break through the dome to find the hidden treasure!”

A big snow storm is expected to hit New York. In fact, some are saying we could experience a whiteout. But things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day, when we all experience a blackout. (DRUNK) “You see where I put the carrot on that snowman??”

The snowstorm caused many subway stops here in New York to shut down. Then mariachi bands said, "That's okay - we'll just come to your house."

Last night, Nick officially became engaged to Vanessa on "The Bachelor." But despite the engagement, it’s hard to say what his future holds - I mean, he's a reality star who married an immigrant he barely knows and oh my God, he's gonna be president isn't he?

The Donald Trump tax return that was sent to David Cay Johnston had a “Client Copy” stamp on it, and many think it came from someone close to Trump. Then Melania said, “Well I guess I’M off the hook!” (Haven’t seen that dude since January.)

Last night, a federal judge blocked a second version of President Trump's travel ban, and now Trump says he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if THEY block it - he said he'll take it to the Justice League. (TRUMP) "Batman's a member of my golf club. He owes me one."

I saw that John McCain filled out a March Madness bracket for ESPN. When asked what pick he feels best about, he said Arizona. And when asked what pick he feels WORST about, he said Sarah Palin.

Today was St. Patrick's Day! So for once, it wasn’t a big deal when Sean Spicer showed up to his White House press briefing with a flask.

Today was the first day of spring! Of course springtime means spring cleaning, and a lot of people are throwing out things they no longer need. You know – like clothing, boxes and March Madness brackets. (It’s just garbage now.)

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study.

There's this video that's been making the rounds that shows what's believed to be the world's biggest chicken. To show how big the chicken is, I'm pretty sure HE ate Colonel Sanders!

I mean, that's a big chicken. When that bird flies south for the winter, it buys two seats on a Delta flight.

I mean, that chicken is BIG. It's so big, instead of crowing to wake people up, it just flips their mattress over. (FLIP OVER MATTRESS, DEEP VOICE) “Get up.”

FBI director James Comey confirmed that the agency is examining possible ties between Russia and President Trump's campaign, but said there’s no timetable for when it will finish. Then Putin said, (PUTIN) “Is like the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of investigations. When you think it will end…it does not.”

During a rally last night, Trump said he had been in office for 51 days, then later 52 days - even though he's actually been in office 60 days. Wait, is Trump negotiating TIME now?? (TRUMP) “Okay - 54 days! But that’s my FINAL offer!”

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch started his confirmation hearings this week. And he said he has his law students think about their legacies by having them write an obituary about themselves. Incidentally - that's also part of the Republican healthcare plan.

Trump’s kids Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric took their families on a ski trip to Aspen. Which was fun, til they said, “Wait, if we’re all here – WHO’S WATCHING DAD???” (Everybody back on the plane!!! Before he tweets something!!)

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that there’s currently no “plan B” for replacing Obamacare. Then women said, “Yeah – we know EXACTLY where you guys stand on Plan B.” (You can just stop talking now.)

A young girl got to meet Pope Francis yesterday, and she decided to grab his hat. Then when he got home, the Pope was like, (FEEL POCKETS) "Hey, where's my wallet? And my phone! She got my phone!!"

Thank you all for being here tonight. How many of you are here on vacation? Okay, now how many of you are congressmen hiding from Trump, cuz you wouldn’t vote for his healthcare bill? (About half the audience)

Michael Phelps posted on Instagram that a Starbucks barista labeled his coffee “The GOAT,” for “Greatest of All Time.” Another customer said, (GFX: GOAT HOLDING CUP THAT SAYS "MICHAEL") “Actually, I think there was a mix-up.”

It came out today that Trump's son-in-law and top adviser, Jared Kushner, will be questioned about his meetings with Russian officials. And if they find out he did anything illegal, he'll be sentenced to...still being Trump's son-in-law.

The Washington Post says Paul Ryan actually got down on one knee to beg a congressman to support the healthcare bill. If you think that’s bad – he showed up at another guy’s window with his boombox.

A woman was arrested yesterday morning for trying to scale a White House fence for the second time in a week. The Secret Service said, “We wish you were living here too, Mrs. Clinton, but you can’t keep doing this.”

The top two movies at the box office this weekend were “Beauty and the Beast” and “Power Rangers.” Then people waking up from a 25-year-coma said, “Huh – guess I wasn’t out for too long."

I read that President Trump's job approval rating is at just 36 percent. Trump was confused - he said, (TRUMP) "How can they disapprove of a job I'm not even doing??" (Fake polls!)

At yesterday’s press briefing, people noticed that Sean Spicer had food in his teeth. Yeah, Spicer had so much food in his mouth, he barely had room for his foot.

I saw that Hillary Clinton gave a big speech in San Francisco last night, and encouraged her supporters to quote, "resist, insist, persist, and enlist." Then she pointed to HERSELF and said, (POINT TO SELF) "Still pissed."

In a new interview, Trump’s son-in-law and top advisor, Jared Kushner said the government should be run like a company, where the citizens are the customers. Then people said, “In that case, we have a president we’d like to exchange.”

A new study finds that cats love their owners more than they love food. You know – cuz they figure if worst comes to worst, they can just eat their owners.

This Saturday is April Fool's Day! Or as it's now known, "President's Day.”

APRIL:

We are SO excited to be here at Universal Orlando for the opening of our new Tonight Show ride, “Race Through New York!” But not everyone’s so excited. When he heard I was getting my own ride, E.T. told me, “Stay in your lane, girl.”

There's a ton of rides to go on here at Universal Orlando. And I heard that a lot of them have separate lines for single riders, which helps them get on faster. One rider said, “Being a single rider lets me go on more rides in less time.” Another said, “On my own, I was able to go on five rides in one hour.” And finally, this person said (GFX: MELANIA TRUMP) “Forget the rides, just being alone is the fun part!”

I read that Orlando is getting its first medical marijuana dispensary. Well, we actually went around the park asking local residents how they feel about it. One man said, “I think it's a step in the right direction towards making the drug legal.” Another woman said, “I'm not in favor of marijuana under any circumstances.” And finally, these residents said, (GFX: SHAGGY & SCOOBY) “Do you know where we can get a doctor's note for glaucoma?”

Pepsi is facing criticism for this ad that just came out, where Kendall Jenner hands a Pepsi to a policeman during a protest. And even in the ad, the cop’s like, “Are you all out of Coke, orrr...?”

Last night on "Wheel of Fortune," a woman had to solve where the answer was “Honeysuckle Bush" - but she wound up guessing "Popsicle Bike." Then she was like, (LADY) “I’m sorry - TESTICLE bike!” (I mean...”What IS a testicle bike??”)

Jay Leno is here! He’s the only guy here at Universal who gets excited when Transformers turn BACK into cars.

The director of “Jurassic World 2” says the film will feature the T-Rex from the original movie. The T-Rex was like, (SMOKER) "Hey, after three divorces, I need something to pay the bills."

Wheel of Fortune’s Vanna White gave an interview where she said she doesn’t want to retire. Mainly cuz all you do when you’re retired is...watch “Wheel of Fortune.”

The latest “Fast and the Furious” movie, “The Fate of the Furious” had one of the biggest Easter box office openings of all time. Even Jesus was like, “Those guys came back AGAIN??” (I mean, even I stopped at one sequel!)

JetBlue is holding a sweepstakes where if you owe money to the IRS, you can enter to win a free flight. And get this -- United’s offering to just drag the tax collector out of your home.

I read that legal marijuana in South Dakota could help boost funding for teachers. Then teachers said, (EXASPERATED) "Screw the money - just give us the weed." (You kids go play. I need a nap.)

Some documents just came out that show which companies gave money to Trump’s inauguration, and it turns out UPS was one of the biggest donors. People were like, “Great – now can you teach him how to deliver??”

There’s a new reality dating show, where people swap phones before meeting each other. The way it works is – the person who gets a better phone never comes back. “Cool, an iPhone 7! I gave you a flip phone, this show is great!”

Kenny G gave a performance on a Delta flight. Then United said, “Touché!” (THAT’S how you get seats to open up!)

There were power outages in New York City and San Francisco that caused massive delays on the subway. People in San Francisco passed the time by talking – while New Yorkers waited a full five minutes before eating each other.

Happy Birthday to Melania Trump, who turned 47 years old! She plans to celebrate with her loved ones. And Donald.

Heineken just came out with a new ad where two people who disagree on an issue are put in a room together to talk about it over beer. Cuz if there's one thing that helps an argument - it's alcohol.

Everyone in the Senate took a bus to the White House. It got annoying when Bernie Sanders said, (BERNIE) “Can we change the radio? Why is it always Top 40?! What about the BOTTOM 40?! They're the ones who need our help the most!”

Last night was the NFL Draft! The Cleveland Browns had the first pick - or as they put it, “Crap – that’s TONIGHT??”

The Cowboys drafted a defensive end named Taco Charlton. Marking the first time a Taco will be STOPPING some runs.

Happy Birthday to Willie Nelson, who turns 84 years old tomorrow! And if you forgot about it – don’t worry, cuz so did he.

After their big scandal a couple weeks ago, United Airlines says it will give passengers up to 10,000 dollars if they agree to give up their seat. Which backfires when the pilot’s like, “Sweet! See you guys later!!"

MAY

Trump defended all the trips he’s made to his golf courses, saying he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters “for the wings” were like, “Yeah right.”

A senior official says when you go in to meet with Trump you don't need to make a PowerPoint or bring a bunch of paperwork. Then he said, "But a sock puppet can't hurt."

A new study finds that high-salt diets actually make people less thirsty over time. The way it works is – you die.

Yesterday, Trump had a big phone call with Vladimir Putin, where they agreed to work together on handling Kim Jong-Un. Trump and Putin “fixing” North Korea? That's like Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich “guarding” a wedding cake.

Oliver Stone has been spending time with Putin for a documentary, and the two of them actually watched “Dr. Strangelove” together. It turns out Putin loves classic movies, and he even wrote up some reviews. First, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, Putin said (PUTIN) “A wonderful life?? Wow, he must have potato!” And for "The Wizard Of Oz," Putin said, "I love man running things from behind curtain. Is like me during U.S. election -- er, uh, I mean nothing!"

Ivanka Trump has a new book out where she says that she was so busy during the campaign, she didn't even have time for a massage. Then people in Syria said, "Never mind US - we should be helping YOU!!" (My God - no massage??)

I saw that Amazon's Alexa can now whisper, change the pitch of its voice and spell words correctly. So if you’re keeping score – that’s Alexa: 3, The President of the United States: 0.

I saw that two Democrats accidentally voted "yes" on the Republican healthcare bill before switching their votes to a "no." When asked if they were embarrassed, they said, “No. I mean, yes!"

Trump tweeted that the media is "out of control" saying, "they will do or say anything to get attention." Then he honked the horn of an 18-wheeler, posed for a picture with Kid Rock and accused Obama of spying on him from his microwave.

Japan is trying to hire more ninjas to entertain tourists. Well, we actually have an amazing ninja who works at our show. Dave, come on out here. (PAUSE A BEAT) Wasn’t he amazing? Dave the Ninja everyone! (Could barely see him!)

I saw that one of the horses in the Kentucky Derby is named "Practical Joke." And I guess his favorite practical joke is going in to Arby's and saying, "Hey - have you seen my Grandpa?"

We’re learning more about the new French president Emmanuel Macron, and I saw that his wife was actually his teacher in high school. So I guess Trump’s not the ONLY president who’s screwing the teachers.

Republican Congressman Raul Labrador is under fire for saying that "nobody dies because they don't have access to health care." Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) “No way – a talking Labrador?? I gotta meet this dog!”

It’s rumored that Trump regrets picking H.R. McMaster as his National Security Adviser. He said, (TRUMP) "I'll be honest - when they asked if I wanted a McMaster, I thought it was a hamburger."

A new study finds that smarter people are more likely to lounge around the house naked. Then Melania said, “Thank God Donald’s an idiot!”

After FBI Director James Comey was fired, he apparently thought it was a prank and started laughing. But to be fair, that's also how Trump reacted when he won the election. (TRUMP) "Okay - where's Ashton Kutcher??"

I read that James Comey had six years left on his ten-year term. That story again – it's easier to get out of your FBI contract than your AT&T contract.

A United Airlines flight was evacuated last night after a customer saw a scorpion crawl out of a passenger's sleeve. But when the scorpion saw it was a United flight, he crawled right back up. "Not takin' any chances!”

American Airlines is getting rid of TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. While United’s doing the same thing on THEIR flights, cuz most people just watch the LIVE entertainment. “Cool! A scorpion fight!"

It’s rumored that Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle could replace Sean Spicer as White House Press Secretary. Spicer’s friends were gonna take him out for drinks - but he said, “Actually, I’ve been drunk since January.”

ABC announced that it’s coming out with a show called "Dancing With the Stars Junior." While Fox is going the other way, and running a show called "Are You Smarter Than the President?"

Apparently the latest fashion trend is rompers for men, and they're calling them “Romp-Hims." Toddlers were like, “Oh my God - is THAT what we look like??”

It's been a crazy week for President Trump, with all the scandals that have come out. And today, he left for his big trip to Saudi Arabia. You know things are bad HERE when you go to the MIDDLE EAST to "get away from it all."

Today, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave President Trump a 150-year-old Bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him. (TRUMP, SIGNING) "To Ben - best wishes! God."

I saw that during his overseas trip, Trump actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like, “Seriously? You make room for THAT guy??” (We had to schlep all the way to Bethlehem!)

Today, President Trump met with the pope. Though it got weird when Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Jesus only had 12 followers?? His tweets must’ve been terrible!”

After the Cavs-Celtics game last night, Shaq and Charles Barkley wound up getting into an argument, and Barkley said, "If you come at me, I'm gonna throw a chicken wing at your fat ass." Man - you know Barkley's mad when he's willing to sacrifice a chicken wing!

Trump joined some other world leaders at today’s NATO Summit, and at one point, he actually pushed past the President of Montenegro to get to the front of the group. He was like, (TRUMP) “I learned that move from Melania.”

Yeah, Trump just pushed him out of the way. He was like, (TRUMP) “Sorry – thought somebody yelled ‘boobs’!”

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently bodyslammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the bodyslam wasn’t a big deal - which they might regret in three years, when The Rock runs for president.

I saw that a college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an F to a B. His parents were like, “Really? You can’t even get an A when you’re CHEATING??” (I mean, try hard at SOMETHING!)

Our entire audience is made up of U.S. servicemen and women! It’s amazing to see how the skills you learn in the military help you out later in life. For instance, learning how to jump out of a plane prepares you for flying United.

President Trump was at the G7 summit in Sicily today. When asked if he was nervous for the G7, he said, (TRUMP) “Ain’t nothin’ but a G-thang.”

There's a video that's gone viral of a dad who went to pick up his son on his last day of school wearing a speedo and shouting his name. The kid says he'll never forget that moment - while the dad says that's the last time he takes Ambien.

JUNE

We’re two weeks away from the start of summer! And thanks to Trump’s climate plan – we may never see the end of it!

During the “March for Truth” this weekend, protestors spelled out “INVESTIGATE TRUMP” on the National Mall. While Trump's staffers gathered on the White House lawn to spell out “Covfefe.”

I want to say Happy Birthday to Kenny G, who turned 61 years old today! To celebrate, his friends threw him a party in the fanciest elevator in town.

I saw that yesterday was National Hug Your Cat Day! So if you participated – I want to wish you a speedy recovery.

This morning, President Trump tweeted that he’s nominating Christopher Wray to be the new Director of the FBI, and called him “a man of impeccable credentials.” Wray was like, “Thanks! Can I put that on my resume when you fire me?”

President Obama visited George and Amal Clooney at their home in the U.K., right before Amal gave birth to their twins. Man, I knew Obamacare was good – but didn’t know he actually showed up to deliver your babies!

On last night's episode of "America's Got Talent," there was a guy who performed a balancing act with a blowup doll. It got even weirder when the doll advanced, but the guy DIDN’T.

A big heat wave is expected in New York City this weekend. Yeah, they say we’ll be sweating like Trump while he watched James Comey testify.

It turns out that when Trump asked Comey to dinner a few months back, Comey had to cancel dinner plans with his wife. Comey tried to take his wife out the next night, and she said, "Actually, Trump just asked ME to dinner."

In the latest Batman comic, Batman proposes to Catwoman. Then Robin’s like, (SASSY/MAD) “Who. The Hell. Is She??”

A Federal Appeals Court ruled against President Trump's revised travel ban - and get this, they even quoted his tweets in their decision. Or as Trump put it (TRUMP) “That counts as a retweet!”

Rafael Nadel won the French Open, and became the first man to win 10 titles at any major tournament. When asked what his secret is, he said, “Not having to play Serena Williams.”

During his testimony, Jeff Sessions said he doesn't recall having any conversations with Russian officials at the Mayflower hotel. Then John McCain interrupted to talk about being on the Mayflower. (MCCAIN) “At the time, I was only 65...”

Police are looking for a man known as the “Dollar Tree bandit,” after he robbed a bunch of dollar stores across the country. And if captured, his bail will be set at a whopping two dollars.

Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. Yep - when his staff saw him coming, they turned out the lights and hid…until he went away. “Phew! That was close!”

During his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he hasn't been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, “And frankly, I’m starting to feel a little left out.”

Firefighters in Connecticut gave a bride and groom a ride to their wedding reception after their bus's engine caught fire. The groom hadn’t felt that scared since…he had to tell his fiancée they were taking a bus to their wedding.

A man in Kansas who robbed a bank so he could go to jail and get away from his wife was just sentenced to six months of house arrest. Marking the first guy under house arrest who's about to be someone's bitch.

Sesame Workshop is teaming up with IBM to create a vocabulary learning app. Yeah, they say it’s for kids ages 5 to president.

The Washington Post reports that Trump is being investigated for Obstruction of Justice - which could wind up costing him the presidency. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Okay - now give me the bad news.” (Will it affect my tee time?)

I saw that Fox News is dropping its slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Instead, it’ll be replaced with the more appropriate slogan: “Blondes and Hannity.”

Kevin Durant says President Obama sent him a text to congratulate him on winning his first championship this week. While LeBron got a text that said, (TRUMP) "Loser!"

I read about a new procedure where people swallow balloons to lose weight. That sounds crazy, right? HIGGINS (WITH HELIUM VOICE): Well, with the knowledge we have today, and with all the technology – who knows?

Trump’s aides say that he actually yells at the TV whenever the Russia investigation comes up. While he yells even LOUDER when he watches Blues Clues (TRUMP) “There’s a paw print! It’s RIGHT THERE! Steve, you idiot!”

The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of all press briefings, and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy.” Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate."

With the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer.”

I read that flights in Arizona had to be canceled today because of extreme heat. In fact it was so hot on the planes, United was dragging passengers down a slip-n-slide.

I saw that Mitch McConnell wants to force a Senate vote on healthcare before July 4th. Cuz if there’s one day you wanna take away people’s healthcare, it’s the day when they get drunk and set off fireworks.

Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious – he said, (TRUMP) “I paid for all 50!!”

Nancy Pelosi was talking about her first meeting with Trump, and she said that he served pigs in a blanket and kosher meatballs. It's good to know that even the president has a bunch of food from Costco he's just trying to get rid of. (TRUMP) "Want some pizza bites? How about some spinach rolls?

It came out yesterday that under the Republican healthcare plan, 22 million people will lose their health insurance over the next decade. 22 million! Or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) “Wow – that’s like, half my Inauguration crowd!”

I heard that some parents are planning to boycott Disney World’s Hall of Presidents now that it features Trump. Or as their kids put it, (FAKE) “Oh no. Guess we’ll just have to do Splash Mountain again.”

Facebook has a new feature that makes it easier for friends to remember your birthday. Or you could just be like most people and post “Thanks for all the birthday wishes” until everyone says “happy birthday.”

I saw that yesterday, "Sesame Street" aired a segment about refugees, right before Trump's travel ban went into effect. After which, Trump made fun of Big Bird for getting a beak-job. (TRUMP) "He’s not fooling anybody.”

I read that over 400 people in New York are trying out to be ball-people for the U.S. Open. I haven’t seen that many people sign up to grab balls since the TSA was hiring.

Researchers just discovered a sea creature called the “peanut worm,” that looks just like a certain part of the male anatomy. I guess it was discovered by a new marine biologist – Anthony Weiner.

I saw that airlines are expecting 3.4 million travelers for the Fourth of July. And to get into the spirit, United’s gonna throw some firecrackers at the people in coach. (MEAN, THROWING FIRECRACKERS) “Stop crying and be patriotic!”

I read about a man who wanted to propose to his girlfriend, so he got a tattoo on his leg that said, “Will you marry me?” Which backfired when his dog was like, "Yes! A thousand times, yes!"

JULY

Over the weekend, it came out that President Trump’s approval rating is at 36 percent - but Trump defended the number, saying it was “almost 40.” Then he said, (TRUMP) “And if you read 36 upside down, it looks like 93 – which is almost 100. So I’m doing amazing!”

The rapper Schoolboy Q says United actually flew his dog to the wrong city. Then I guess on the flight back, the dog had to fight over a seat with Ann Coulter. “Can you believe this bitch??”

Millions of Sabbret’s hot dogs that are sold here on the street in New York are being recalled because they contain small pieces of bone. While the foreman at the factory was like, “Has anyone seen Jeff?”

A new study found that almost half of Americans regret moving into their current homes. When asked why, one guy said, (TRUMP) "It's too small, there's no golf course, and I actually have to live here.”

A new book claims that last summer, President Trump yelled at former campaign manager Paul Manafort, and said "You treat me like a baby!" But Trump says it wasn’t an insult – it was an order. (TRUMP) “You! Treat me like a baby!”

I saw that tomorrow it’s supposed to feel like the mid-90s. You know, when everyone’s huddled around the TV, waiting for an O.J. verdict. (We’re doing this AGAIN??)

Crystal Pepsi is coming back to stores this August. That's right - we have an O.J. hearing AND Crystal Pepsi. At this point, I'm expecting to see a Furby doing the Macarena.

I saw that last night, Chris Christie caught a foul ball at the Mets game. I guess he did it by sitting all by himself in a section that he’d closed off to everyone but him.

There's a video going viral that shows a bear in Russia riding a motorcycle down the street. The crazy thing is, that video was actually being taken by ANOTHER bear.

Hey, just a heads up before we start: if any of you call an Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a White Ford Bronco.

That’s right - O.J. Simpson was officially granted parole today, and could be out of jail by October. When asked what he plans to do first, he said “Catch up on all those shows about O.J. Simpson!” (I heard Sarah Paulson Jr. was great!)

USA Today just did a feature on what different presidents did for exercise. For instance, George W. Bush liked to go for a jog; Obama liked to play basketball with his friends; and Trump likes to go to yoga classes and watch.

It just came out that the wife of the Japanese Prime Minister may have pretended not to speak English to avoid talking to Trump at the G20 Summit. When asked where she learned that trick, she said, "Melania."

Over the weekend, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump’s platform. Trump was shocked – he said, (TRUMP) “You can delete Tweets??”

Ahead of the healthcare vote, Senators were saying they had no clue what they’d be voting on. Then Americans said, "Hey - just like us during the election!"

Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. And this is cool – his healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.”

Trump was talking to reporters after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many Senators there are. When told it's two for each state, Trump said, (TRUMP, THINKING) "I'm gonna need another clue."

Trump’s new Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci addressed all the leaks that have been coming out, and asked staffers, "you wanna sell postcards to the tourists or you wanna work in the West Wing?" Then the staffers said, "Wait - is the postcard thing an option?" (I love postcards!) (Note: Mooch was fired days later)

A woman in Texas bought a 300 dollar vacuum from Target, but got home and realized the box contained dirty towels, rocks, and a can of chili. Or as that's known over at Walmart, "A gift basket."

"Dancing with the Stars" is reportedly trying to get former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer to be a contestant. He's not the only one doing a reality show – on the next episode of “Undercover Boss,” Vladimir Putin is gonna go work at the White House. (PUTIN) “I’m mister tour guide here. Tell me how are things at home.”

The owner of a “Clown Motel” in Nevada wants to sell it. It’s like other motels – except it only has one parking spot.

Anthony Scaramucci calls Reince Priebus "Reince Penis." Which still somehow sounds less dirty than “Reince Priebus.”

It came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations.” Trump was like, “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby – you tweet her!”

AUGUST

Trump is apparently looking for a less prominent position for Anthony Scaramucci that wouldn’t require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, “You want me to be First Lady?

The other day on a Southwest flight, a little boy greeted everyone with a fist-bump on the way to his seat. In fact he was so good at using his fists, he was just hired by United Airlines.

Trump is being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire "a drug-infested den." New Hampshire says it’s furious - while Colorado said it has to find a new nickname.

People are speculating that Mark Zuckerberg could run for president in 2020, because he just hired Hillary Clinton's chief campaign strategist. He came highly recommended by everyone - except Hillary Clinton.

Trump visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to THEM.

President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course - but he says it isn’t a vacation. Then the staff at the White House said, "For US it is!” (Never been happier!)

Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean RE-elected President in 2020.”

Former Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. But networks say it’s impossible - cuz sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes.

Mayor Bill de Blasio wants to tax the wealthiest one percent of New Yorkers to pay for subway repairs. In response, wealthy New Yorkers said, "What is the subway?"

News organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. Yeah, they say people should immediately...say inside and keep watching Netflix. (Nothing different. Don’t chage anything.)

Trump said that if North Korea doesn’t get its act together, they’re going to be in “big trouble.” Then North Korea said, “Okay – but whatever you do, don’t say you’re ‘disappointed’ in us.” (Cuz that REALLY hurts.)

Mitch McConnell says Congress is underperforming because Trump set too many fake deadlines. Trump said that’s not true, and demanded McConnell apologize by August 43rd. (October eleventeenth, at the latest!)

A reporter on the NFL Network was talking about a player who’s dealing with a bulging disc, and accidentally referred to it as a "bulging dick." When asked how long his injury should last, the doctor said, "No more than four hours."

President Trump arrived in New York last night, and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers.

A lot of business owners have been speaking out against the president - and today, the CEO of Walmart released a letter criticizing Trump. The CEO of Target wrote one too, and people thought it was just a LITTLE bit classier.

I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. Yep, thousands of people trying not to use their hands - or as that's called in New York, "riding the subway."

Animal experts say dogs know when they're being laughed at. While cats actually keep a journal to document it. (WRITING) “Sleep with one eye open, Linda…”

Today, the president tweeted that removing Confederate statues takes beauty out of our parks that can never be replaced. Then he said, (TRUMP) "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cut down a bunch of trees to build a hotel and golf course.”

20-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has been accepted to Oxford University. When she puts her Nobel Prize on the shelf, her roommate will quietly put away all her youth soccer trophies. "Not that big a deal, I guess..."

During last night’s Red Sox game, a fan got to throw out the first pitch and wound up hitting a cameraman in the crotch. The announcers said, "The count is two balls, one strike."

President Trump has decided to fire his Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. But I thought this was a little weird - instead of getting a box for his office supplies, he said, (GRUFF) "I'll just use the one I sleep in."

Monday is the Solar Eclipse! But experts have actually issued some warnings. They say you should prepare yourself ahead of time, don’t look directly at it, and try not to watch for too long. Wait I’m sorry – that’s one of Trump’s press conferences.

SEPTEMBER:

There’s a lot of news to get to. On one hand, we have the U.S. Open, and on the other, we have Trump saying it’s closed.

It was announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their third child! Kate’s very excited about the baby – in fact, she said she can already feel it waving. (DO QUEEN WAVE)

Today, Dennis Rodman offered to straighten things out between Trump and Kim Jong-Un. People were like, "Can't believe I'm saying this, but - let’s give it a shot!" (Whatever you can do, man.)

I saw that the Patriots will play a game in Mexico this November. And once they’re down there, the rest of the league will say, “Okay - build the wall!” (Give somebody else a chance for once!)

Congressional leaders are still upset with President Trump’s decision on the DACA immigration plan. They called it “brainless,” “heartless,” and “cowardly.” All Trump needs are some ruby slippers, and he’s off to see the Wizard!

Melania Trump donated a set of Dr. Seuss books to schools across the country for “National Read a Book Day.” The president even donated two of his favorites "The Brat in the Hat" and "Oh, The Places You'll Go Back To."

Hillary Clinton wrote a new tell-all about the election called “What Happened,” and she goes after Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden and President Obama. Man, Hillary trashing Democrats, and Trump working WITH them? Is TODAY Freaky Friday??

Bill Belichick said the Patriots, quote "just weren't competitive enough - especially on offense and defense." Sooo...if they can just work on those two minor things, they should be all set. "Offense and defense? Got it, coach!"

I read about a gang of wild turkeys that’s been terrorizing a town in Oregon. However, officials expect the problem to work itself out around late November.

President Trump spent the weekend at Camp David with his entire Cabinet. Not for meetings – he just didn’t want to be alone after seeing the movie “It.” (TRUMP) “Have John Kelly check under my bed again!"

The company that makes Heinz ketchup picked a 29-year-old to be its new CFO. He was a little shy at the press conference – so they turned him upside down and slapped him on the bottom til some words came out.

A woman is suing Delta Airlines because she broke a tooth on an in-flight meal. Delta apologized, and said under no circumstances should ANY of its passengers get an in-flight meal.

Hillary Clinton's new book came out today, and it has some interesting blurbs on the back. For instance, Vladimir Putin wrote, "Was like fairytale ‘Cinderella,’ but princess fails, and pumpkin becomes president.” While Obama wrote, “I'd say I gotta hand it to you - but the last time I tried to hand you something, you lost it to Donald Trump!”

This morning, President Trump tweeted that his border wall is being built out of old fences. Which explains why today, millions of Americans walked out of their homes and said, "Where the hell's my fence?"

Ivanka Trump said she doesn't speak out against her dad publicly because "when you're part of a team, you're part of a team." I think what she meant to say is, "when you're part of a will, you're part of a will."

Trump called Attorney General Jeff Sessions an idiot, and Sessions responded by sending a resignation letter to the White House. But no one saw it, because the guy who sorts through the resignation letters had also resigned.

A new study found that younger Americans are having less sex, because they spend so much time checking their phones. Then Ted Cruz said, “Why not do both?”

I saw that today is Ben Carson’s 66th birthday. It’s a little different on Ben Carson’s birthday – he actually OPENS his eyes to make a wish.

I read that Prince Charles may not live in Buckingham Palace when he becomes King. Then Queen Elizabeth said, (QUEEN) "Psh - (AIR QUOTES) ‘WHEN’ he becomes King." (I love your optimism, Chucky!)

It came out that Kevin Durant apparently uses a second Twitter handle to argue with fans. Yeah, he has a secret Twitter account - then Ted Cruz said, "You can do that?"

Trump’s speech at the UN got off to a nice start, when he began by welcoming all the world leaders to New York City. And when he finished his speech, he said, (TRUMP) “Now go home.”

I saw that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. And right before his speech, Trump’s aides were like, “Please don’t.” (TRUMP) “Too late! Already bought the eye patch!”

Today is the third day of the UN General Assembly. Or as Trump calls it, “Boring Epcot.” (TRUMP) “There’s no rides! And where’s the giant golf ball?? Scam!”

I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus.” Yeah, they say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking. (HOPPED UP) “THIS STUFF’S GREAT!!”

Chipotle added queso to its menu, but customers say it tastes awful. Chipotle was like, “On the down, or the way up?”

North Korea's Foreign Minister said Trump’s speech at the UN sounded like a “dog barking.” But Trump didn't respond - cuz he was chasing after a firetruck. (TRUMP) “Hold my tennis ball! I’m gonna get it this time!”

Last night, Kim Jong Un released a statement attacking President Trump, and referred to him as a “dotard.” Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “Sticks and stones may break my bones – but words I don’t know will never hurt me.”

Well, we had a bunch of big football matchups yesterday. You had the Eagles against the Giants, the Patriots against the Texans, and the President against everyone.

President Trump is here in New York for a fundraising dinner at the upscale restaurant Le Cirque. Marking the first time someone at Le Cirque ordered “Le Chicken Fingers.”

For the third straight time, Senate Republicans failed to repeal Obamacare, because they didn’t have the votes. Trump was like, "Well neither did I, and I still won!"

The other day, a man in Canada found three bears in his backyard, and there's a video going viral where he politely asks them to "please leave his yard." Then the bears were like, (CANADIAN) "Well ya don't have to yell aboot it!" (Sorry!)

Paul Ryan said that the tax plan will let people file their taxes on a postcard. Cuz if there’s one group you can count on to fix the IRS, it’s the Post Office.

A Republican named Luther Strange lost Alabama senate primary. So now, “Luther Strange” will go back to his old job – a villain in a Batman comic. (BATMAN) “I know these goons! They work for Luther Strange!”

A musical based on Cher's life will come to Broadway next year. But I dunno - what are the chances you're gonna find people who like both Cher AND Broadway musicals? (Good luck with THAT!)

I saw that Donald Trump Jr. just got his Secret Service protection back. While his brother Eric is still on one of those child leashes you see at the mall. (TRUMP, PULLING WRIST LEASH) “Put that down, Eric! That’s not for eating!”

Tonight was the premiere of “Dateline” on NBC. It’s the show you cuddle up and watch with your spouse – then spend the rest of the weekend looking at them suspiciously. “You know I don’t have that much insurance, right??”

OCTOBER

Today President Trump flew to Puerto Rico. He was like, (TRUMP) "These conditions are horrible! How can anyone live like this??" Then an aide said, "Sir, this is LaGuardia. We’re just refueling."

Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow, to survey the damage done by the president. (PENCE) “I’m very sorry he said that to you.”

Trump told Puerto Rico that the recovery effort really threw his budget “out of whack.” Puerto Rico said, “Well, next time there’s a hurricane, we’ll just push the island out of the way.” (Real sorry about your budget.)

Hillary Clinton is here! Backstage, I asked her if she wanted a drink and she said, "Anything but a White Russian."

Trump’s son-in-law and advisor Jared Kushner had a THIRD private email account that he used for government business. And if you all listen closely, you can hear Hillary backstage laughing. (Don’t even need a joke for that one!)

A South Dakota woman set the record for the largest teddy bear collection, at 8,026. She ALSO set the record for most dates who go inside her house, then remember they have to “get up early” the next day. “But uh…have fun with your bears!”

I read that President Trump just overtook Pope Francis as the most followed world leader on Twitter. I guess they could tell Trump passed the pope when a plume of orange smoke came out of the White House.

Yeah, Trump has more Twitter followers than Pope Francis. But the Pope doesn't mind - he said, "My boss only had 12 followers, and he's still pretty popular."

I saw that a man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret.

A video's gone viral of Trump trying to say "Puerto Rico" with a Spanish accent. People were like, "Give it up for President Scarface, everyone!"

I saw that the Red Sox spent over 15,000 dollars on alcohol after making the playoffs. Yeah, 15,000 dollars worth of booze - or as people in Boston call that, "pregaming." (BOSTON) "Now that that's over, let's get the REAL party started!"

Mike Pence left the Colts game yesterday after some of the 49ers kneeled during the national anthem. He left before the game even started! Then Giants fans were like, “So? We’ve been doing that all year.”

This morning, Trump went on Twitter and talked about signing an executive order on healthcare, saying he’d use "the power of the pen." Or in his case, the "command of the crayon."

I read that Trump stages his photos so that you can’t see his double chin. In response, Trump was like, (TRUMP, LOOK WAY UP) “Fake news!”

Today, Trump said it's "disgusting that the press is able to write whatever it wants to write." When asked about the First Amendment, he said, (TRUMP) “Is that the one that says not to talk about Fight Club?” (If so, I also know the second one.)

I read that Kim Jong Un wants to make the site of his missile launches a tourist destination for families. But for kids to go on the rides, they must be taller than Kim Jong Un.

Amazon teamed with a company to deliver items to your car’s trunk. The company has a cool name - "The Mafia."

A big story right now is this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say that Trump’s becoming unhinged, and that he recently shouted "I hate everyone in the White House!" But later, he clarified his remarks, saying, (TRUMP) "Except for me. I still like me a lot."

Sources in the White House say Trump's been walking around, repeating himself over and over. But in response, Trump said (TRUMP) “That is totally false - and totally false.” (Not to mention - totally false.)

Trump claims his health care executive order will help millions of people. Then people said, "MILLIONS millions, or crowd at your inauguration 'millions'?"

But the whole thing could take a while. In fact, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said our government is designed to be slow. And when someone asked if that can get annoying, Kelly said, (LONG PAUSE) “Yes.”

Trump announced that he's releasing thousands of files on JFK - even though they were already set to be released. Then he said, (TRUMP) "Not only that - I’m declaring October 31st Halloween! And we’ll all be saying 'Merry Halloween!'”

Congrats to John Stamos who just got engaged. I heard he’s got a pretty good wedding DJ - DJ Tanner.

I heard that people in Hawaii are stealing cans of Spam and reselling them. So if you think you’re having a rough day - imagine being the guy waiting on the corner for his Spam dealer.

Today, Trump said that Republican Senator Bob Corker "couldn't even be elected dog-catcher." Then another guy said, (PUTIN) "Great - now I have to rig DOG-CATCHER election?? It never ends with this guy!"

Republican Senator Jeff Flake announced he won't seek re-election, and said the GOP was headed in the wrong direction. Or as Trump called it, (TRUMP) “Flake News!”

Trump was tweeting again today. He said that his big meeting with Republican Senators was “a love fest" with multiple standing ovations. They were mostly getting up to leave - but still, that counts as standing.

I read that there are some new airport security measures starting this week, and airlines can conduct short interviews with passengers. Most airlines will ask for the purpose of your trip - while Spirit Airlines will ask if you know how to land a plane.

I read that Queen Elizabeth has made nearly nine million dollars in winnings from her race horses over the past 30 years. She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still - that's a lot!

Massachusetts may join the Atlantic Time Zone, and skip an hour ahead of the East Coast. While Boston would keep its usual time zone - (BOSTON) "It's five o'clock somewhere!"

A man flew 15 miles over South Africa in a chair attached to 80 balloons. While his buddies on the ground were like, (LAUGHING) “Oh man – he’s gonna be SO MAD when he wakes up!”

Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort was charged with fraud, tax evasion and money laundering. I don’t wanna say Trump’s nervous, but he just hopped into a White Ford Bronco and took off down the highway.

A lot of newscasters were having some trouble with the name “Papadopolous." You could tell there was trouble when one guy said, "I think Mr. Snuffleupagus belongs behind bars!"

I saw that Trump handed out Halloween candy to kids at the White House last night. Yep, it was a chance for kids to take king sized candy bars from fun-sized hands.

Happy Halloween! All over, kids are trick-or-treating. While at the White House, they’re playing “Trick or Treason.”

Former Trump aide George Papadopoulos got indicted. Trump attacked him on Twitter, and referred to him only as “George.” When asked if he was nervous spelling “Papadopoulos,” he said, (TRUMP) “I was nervous spelling ‘George’!”

I read that to sway the election, Russian agents posted over 1,000 YouTube videos. But then even Putin was like, (PUTIN) "Oh my goodness - the comments are so mean!" (What do you mean 'Fail'! It was great!!)

I saw that earlier today, Trump was discussing the press, and he actually sounded rather poetic. Take a listen. (VT: TRUMP RHYMES) Then he did another rhyme - (TRUMP) “Trick or treat, smell my feet, where’s my phone so I can tweet?”

The hosts of the “Today” show dressed up as country singers, and the hosts of "Good Morning America" dressed up as superheroes. While the hosts of "Fox & Friends" denied that it's Halloween. "That's a lie being spread by Hillary Clinton!"

NOVEMBER

Facebook says it shut down nearly six million accounts in the U.S. last October. Five million were Russian agents – while the rest were people who kept posting “so ready for the weekend.” (That’s just annoying.)

Papa John’s stock went down this week, due to poor sales. You could tell they were tight on cash when Peyton Manning said, (SING TO NATIONWIDE JINGLE) “My check didn’t clear this month.”

During last night's World Series game, people noticed that the umpire had a bit of a voice crack when he called strike three. Then he said, (VOICE CRACK) “Hurry up, you guys! My mom wants me home by 10!”

I want to say congratulations to the Houston Astros, who won the World Series last night! What a great week for Jose Altuve - the shortest player in baseball. First, he wins the World Series; then he found out he’s going to Disney World - then he heard he’s tall enough to ride ALMOST all the rollercoasters.

After the game, the Astros' Carlos Correa proposed to his girlfriend on live TV. But when he saw an athlete take a knee, Mike Pence immediately left the stadium. (PENCE, LEAVING) "Come along, Mother."

President Trump is wrapping up his two-week trip to Asia. Yep, Trump said he couldn’t wait to get home, put on his pajamas, and tweet in his own bed.

During the trip, Trump met with Vladimir Putin. And he called people who criticized the meeting "haters and fools." Then he introduced his new speechwriter - Mr. T.

Trump said that he asked Putin if he meddled in our election, and Putin denied it. Is Trump the guy who should be leading that investigation? That's like telling Kevin Spacey to keep an eye on Louis CK.

It came out that Donald Trump Jr. was in direct contact with WikiLeaks during last year’s election. You can tell Don Jr.’s in trouble, because his dad just demoted him to “Eric.”

President Trump is headed home after his trip to Asia. And I saw that at one point, 2,000 protesters in the Philippines were shouting (SHOUT) "go home!" While back in America, 60 million people were shouting (SHOUT) “stay there!”

We have Barbara Bush and Jenna Bush Hager on the show tonight! I’m happy they're here – it’s nice to have a president’s kids answer questions without being under oath.

Joe Biden said he’s open to running for president if no other Democrats step up. You know your party’s in trouble when someone signs up for president the way you sign up for karaoke. (SHRUG, SING) “Just a small town girl!...”

The FBI is now investigating Russian embassy payments. And get this - there was one memo that was actually labeled "to finance election campaign of 2016." Even people who use the word “password” as their password were like, “Seriously??”

The other day at the Louisville Zoo, a man visited the gorilla exhibit and decided to show one ape pictures of other gorillas - but the gorilla kept telling him to swipe left, like you would on Tinder. It was like, (SWIPING LEFT) "Dated her...dated her...she dated my roommate, so it would be awkward..."

Some shocking news: it just came out that as many as FOUR elected officials have NOT been accused of sexual harassment.

Radio host Leeann Tweeden came forward and said Senator Al Franken groped her without her consent, and she posted a photo as evidence. In fact it’s so bad, Franken’s already the frontrunner for president.

Two more women have come forward accusing Roy Moore of making unwanted advances at the mall. Which explains that new slogan: "Amazon: So You Don't Run Into Roy Moore at the Mall."

Thanksgiving is less than a week away! A lot of people will be traveling – but here's a tip: before you get a pat down at the airport, make sure it’s from an actual TSA worker, and not a United States senator.

I read that Kiss singer Gene Simmons was just banned from Fox News for sexual harassment. How bad did it have to be to get banned from Fox News? That's like being banned from White Castle for being too high.

Yesterday, 210,000 gallons of oil leaked from the Keystone Pipeline. 210,000 gallons! To give you an idea of how much that is, let's take a look at that much oil. (GFX: CLOSE UP OF OIL) Now can we pull out on that? (GFX: DONALD TRUMP JR.'S HAIR) Wow! That's a lot!

I saw that Hillary Clinton went to see "Dear Evan Hansen" on Broadway this week. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders was kicked out of “Stomp” for talking too loud. (BERNIE) “This IS my inside voice!!”

Last night, Charles Manson died at the age of 83. Which means today he met his new roommates – Adolf, Osama and a Time Warner customer service rep.

Today the White House held its annual Turkey Pardon - and President Trump pardoned a turkey named Drumstick. Which was nice til he told the turkey, (TRUMP) “Okay - now you pardon me.”

This made me laugh. Today, MSNBC had a split screen to show Trump and the turkey - but they caught Drumstick from behind at kind of an awkward angle. People were like, “Get a load of THIS a-hole!...And THAT a-hole!”

During an interview with Chris Cuomo on CNN last night, LaVar Ball refused to thank Trump for getting his son out of China, and told Cuomo he should thank the doctor who delivered him. Well, if there’s anyone who was talking the minute they were born, it was probably LaVar Ball.

Today was the busiest travel day of the year. You could tell who’s going home to visit their families, because United was dragging them ONTO the plane. (DRAGGING) “Let’s go! Stop crying! Get in there!”

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! By applause, how many of you told your relatives you were going to the bathroom, then came here instead?

They had some new floats in the parade this year, including a 35-foot-tall Jolly Green Giant. Or as the Statue of Liberty put it, (FLIRTY) “How YOU doin?” (I’m Libby. Need a light?)

During the early days of the parade, they let the balloons fly away with a return address on it and whoever found them would win a prize from Macy’s. Or, be crushed by a giant balloon.

The other day, President Trump tweeted that he turned down an offer to be Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. And that’s not all - today, he said he turned down the chance to marry Prince Harry. (TRUMP) "And believe me - he was VERY sad."

Time responded to Trump's claims, saying that’s not how they select Person of the Year. They use a more official method: offer it to Beyoncé, then work your way down.

The White House Christmas Tree arrived the other day, and it will stay there for about six weeks. Which will make it the longest-serving member of the Trump Administration.

Today is Cyber Monday! Yep, the day millions of Americans go online and enter their credit card info - or as Russia calls it, (RUSSIAN, SINGING) “The most wonderful time…of the year!"

I read that the White House may ban staffers from using their smart phones while at work. And in related news, President Trump just resigned from office. (TRUMP) “That’s it! I’m out!”

The Texans had a tough loss to the Ravens. And at the press conference, the quarterback walked up to the podium, said, "Any questions? No? Okay" - and walked right back out. And right after that, he was named Trump's new Press Secretary.

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree was lit tonight! Also getting lit tonight - the HR rep over at the "Today" show. "Pour me another! Today has been ROUGH!"

In January, the wood from the tree will be donated to Habitat for Humanity to build houses. While the needles will be ground into oregano at the Times Square Olive Garden.

The Giants announced that they’re benching Eli Manning this weekend. Eli’s not sure what’s worse – not getting to play for the Giants, or having to WATCH the Giants.

DECEMBER

I read that one of the top-selling gifts this year is a take-home DNA test. Yep - it's called, "Maury: The Home Game."

Early Saturday morning, Senate Republicans passed their tax plan. They said, “We realize doing this in the dead of night makes us look sneaky, corrupt and dishonest. (PAUSE) Anyway, have a great weekend!” (WALK OFF)

Experts say the bill will ruin healthcare, cause problems for the elderly, and add over a trillion dollars to the deficit. Trump’s cabinet was like, “Phew – thank God we’re going to jail!” (It’s gonna be ROUGH in the real world!)

CVS will buy the healthcare company Aetna for about 69 billion dollars. It’s so much money, they have to wait for a manager to come press a button on the self-checkout machine.

The Pontiac Silverdome was set to be imploded in Detroit, but it failed. What were they using, Diet Coke and Mentos?

After Russia was banned for the Olympics, it came out that athletes from Russia can still participate, but won’t get credit for winning any medals. Yep, Olympic events that don’t matter - or as most people call it, “Curling.”

Robert Mueller issued a subpoena to Deutsche Bank for documents on its relationship with President Trump. Trump couldn't believe it - he said, (TRUMP) "I thought it was pronounced 'Douche Bank.' That's why I joined!”

Trump says he thinks Senate and House Republicans will come out of their tax bill conference "with something that's perfecto." So, looks like that Rosetta Stone is starting to pay off!

Time named its Person of the Year this morning, and it’s the “Silence Breakers” who’ve reported sexual harassment. But they announced it on the “Today” show. Al Roker said, "Here's a look at the elephant in your neck of the room!"

Today, Trump announced that the U.S. will recognize Jerusalem as Israel's capital, and he wound up saying "God Bless the United Schtates." Looks like someone’s been hitting the eggnog a little early this year!

Al Franken announced he’s resigning from the Senate, due to sexual harassment allegations. Other Senators said he seemed heartfelt, contrite and dignified – and there’s NO place for someone like that in the United States Senate.

And after Franken resigned, ANOTHER senator is expected to resign tomorrow. I’m not basing this on any news – I’m just assuming there’ll be another senator who has to resign. (Just the way things are going.)

Trump signed a proclamation for Pearl Harbor Day, and when a veteran showed him his challenge coin, Trump thought it was a gift and took it. That’s why you never let Trump hold your baby. (TRUMP, HOLD BABY) “Wow, this is a wonderful baby. Thank you so much. (START TO WALK AWAY) What’s that? Oh. (HAND BACK) It’s not that great a baby."

I saw that Hello Kitty is selling wine for the holidays. So if you’re somemone who wants to order some Hello Kitty wine - I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline. (Come in and take a seat...)

Roy Moore says he’s going to ride his horse to vote in next week’s Alabama Senate election. He didn’t plan on riding his horse, but his windowless, white van is still in the shop.

This week, someone brought their service dog to the musical “Cats,” and it actually got up and started chasing one of the actors. Yep, they used a leash to restrain the dog - and a laser pointer to distract the actor.

I read that people are actually taking out mortgages to buy Bitcoin, because they think it's such a solid investment. Then they put on their Skechers Shape-Ups and went out to buy some Dippin' Dots.

A JetBlue flight on its way from LA to New York had to turn around after a passenger started biting people. Other passengers were furious - they said, "How come HE gets a meal??"

President Trump gave a big speech on national security. He focused on the three biggest threats to our country: Russia, North Korea, and Omarosa.

It was revealed that the Pentagon had a top-secret program to investigate UFOs and aliens. Which is why Trump announced plans to build a dome over Earth and make E.T. pay for it.

Disney's Hall of Presidents just added a Donald Trump robot. He’s really making an impact at Disney - today, he deported Aladdin and gave Scrooge McDuck a tax break.

Russia's presidential election just began, with Putin ahead in the polls. His supporters were chanting (RUSSIAN) “Four more years! Four more years!” While his opponents were chanting, (RUSSIAN) “Let me out of trunk! Let me out of trunk!”

I read that snow globes are subject to the TSA's liquid ban. Which should explain things when you see someone at security chugging their snow globe. (DRINKING) “Gotta finish it! Not gonna let it go to waste!”

Madison, Wisconsin was just named the most compassionate city in America. When asked how they felt about it, they said, “Really sad for the cities that lost.”

The University of Pennsylvania, which is Trump’s alma mater, says his tax bill will add 2.2 trillion dollars to the national debt. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Come on - are you really gonna believe a school that let ME graduate? Gimme a break!”

After yesterday’s tax vote, Trump told reporters that they could stay, and take part in a prayer with Ben Carson. First, Carson bowed his head - then three hours later he went (CARSON, SNORE/WAKING UP) "Huh? What? Where am I?"

In the meantime, the White House is all decorated for Christmas. And there’s a 350-pound, gingerbread replica of the White House in the State Dining Room. It’s pretty realistic – there’s even a tiny Omarosa being escorted out by the Secret Service.

Happy Birthday to Samuel L. Jackson, who turned 69 years old today! He didn’t blow out his candles – he just yelled at them til they put THEMSELVES out.

A Six Flags in Georgia set a world record by hanging 500 pickle ornaments on a Christmas tree. They beat the previous record for pickles on a Christmas tree by...500 pickles. (Congratulations.)

2018

JANUARY

A new book says Trump insists on stripping his own sheets. Yeah, he says one maid did such a bad job making his bed, you could barely tell it was a racecar.

Everybody’s talking about the big speech Oprah made at the Golden Globes - and a lot of people say she should run for president. But it’ll be weird at her State of the Union, when congress keeps checking under their seats for a free car. (OPRAH) “YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR!”

I wanna say congratulations to Alabama, who overcame a 13-point deficit to win the College Football National Championship! Man, I'm just happy to say the words "Alabama" and "13" and not be talking about Roy Moore.

I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids. Like for “show and tell,” she brought Scotland.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he’s forming a coalition of moderate Republicans. Either that, or he said he’s “putting some lotion on llama butts and pelicans.” (ARNOLD) “I’m putting da lotion on da llama butts and da pelicans.”

There's a cell phone clip of Harvey Weinstein being slapped at a restaurant in Arizona. And already, that clip is the favorite to win Best Picture at the Oscars.

The Consumer Electronics Show is going on in Vegas right now - and Dell showed off a glass laptop. As in, "Oh no - that TSA screener just dropped my glass laptop."

After being out of business for years, Circuit City announced they’re opening stores again. Yeah, they said they couldn’t wait to fax their employees the news.

Vermont could become the first state to legalize recreational marijuana through the state legislature. Then the state full of Ben & Jerry's and snowboarders said, (FAKE) "Oh good. We can finally start smoking weed." (What a change this will be.)

During a meeting on immigration, Trump referred to African countries and Haiti as shitholes. And right after that, Sarah Huckabee Sanders went out and got shit-FACED. “Tomorrow is gonna be ROUGH!!”

Trump said he wanted less immigrants from Haiti and Africa, and more immigrants from Norway. Even Steve Bannon was like, “Looks like I got out just in time!”

Officials in Hawaii mistakenly sent out an alert that said a missile was headed toward the island - and Trump didn’t comment until the next day. Classic Trump - the first time there actually IS “fake news,” and he's nowhere to be found.

A company is selling pants that say “Fake News.” We already have “Fake News” pants – they’re called “Spanx.”

White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson said President Trump is in excellent health. Trump thanked Jackson, and told him to say hi to his brothers, Jermaine and Tito. (TRUMP) “And Randy was fantastic on ‘American Idol’!"

Trump's ex-wife is defending him, after it came out that he made racist comments last week. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Wait a minute - which ex-wife, and which racist comments?"

After learning he weighs 239 pounds, Trump hopes to drop 10-15 pounds this year. While Melania hopes to drop 239.

I wanna say congrats to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who just welcomed a baby girl this week! I don’t have a joke for that – I just wanna think back to the good old days when THAT would be our lead story. (Remember that? Wasn’t that nice?)

Adult film star Stormy Daniels told In Touch magazine she had an affair with Trump back in 2006. And she took a polygraph test as she shared the intimate details. But they had to call it off, when the polygraph started throwing up.

It looked like one of the referees was actually celebrating with the Patriots after the game. When asked if the game was rigged, the ref said, (RUSSIAN) “No – was completely normal game of American football. Heh heh heh.”

Oscar nominees were announced today! The nominees for Best Picture include “Lady Bird,” “Get Out” and “The Shape of Water.” While the favorite for WORST Picture is still this: (GFX: TRUMP IN TENNIS WHITES)

I wanna say congrats to Senator Tammy Duckworth who will become the first U.S. Senator to have a baby while in office! So at least we’ve got ONE Senator who’ll actually deliver.

I saw that two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, cuz even their GPS was like, (STONER) “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!”

It was announced that the 90s sitcom “Murphy Brown” is coming back. Yeah, ANOTHER revival! You also got “Roseanne” on ABC, “Will and Grace” on NBC, and “The Twilight Zone” on CNN.

WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced that he's bringing back his football league, the XFL! XFL fans were like, (BRO) “What a day! Murphy Brown, and now this!!"

Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, he said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.”

I saw that today is Oprah’s birthday! Democrats got her a nice gift – an all-expenses paid trip to Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. “Just get out there and meet some people! Share some ideas! No pressure!”

Amazon is creating its own healthcare company. But it's kinda awkward getting healthcare from Amazon when a drone flies over your house and says, (ROBOT) "Viagra for Bob? Is this the right house for bonerless Bob?"

FEBRUARY

This year's Puppy Bowl features Team Ruff and Team Fluff. And if you’re curious which team is better – please visit www.gamblersanonymous.org. They're here to help.

Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl, on the Hallmark Channel! It’ll feature the Little Longtails going up against their rival – a red laser pointer.

I wanna say congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for winning the Super Bowl! And I know one thing’s for sure: The Roots are calling in sick tomorrow

Elon Musk wants to send humans to Mars, so he just launched an unmanned rocket that was the biggest ever to make it into space! Yep, he said it would either be “a success or a great fireworks display” -- which is also what my dad says whenever he deep-fries a turkey. (DAD) "Hold onto your eyebrows!"

Two restaurants here in New York City were just named in OpenTable's "100 Most Romantic Restaurants in America.” Yep, they picked the River Café in Brooklyn, and the Chili’s Too at LaGuardia. (That last one was kinda surprising.)

The Olympics start tomorrow! And Mike Pence will lead the U.S. delegation in Pyeongchang. While Trump will lead a delegation at P.F. Chang’s. (TRUMP) “That sounds like a good plan. Let’s see what my fortune cookie has to say about it…”

Tonight was the Opening Ceremony for the Winter Olympics! Which means we get to chant “U.S.A.!” someplace other than the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Tonight was the Opening Ceremony for the Winter Olympics! It was a lot of fun - until Trump stood there, pointing out which countries are "shitholes" (TRUMP) "Shithole! Shithole! Kinda nice! Never heard of it!”

I read about a 102-year-old man who celebrated his birthday this weekend by setting the Guinness World Record for the oldest person to ride a zipline. Which was cool, til he was like, (OLD) "I said I wanted a SHOE-SHINE!"

Today is Day 11 of the 2018 Winter Olympics! While it’s Day 12 of Fergie’s National Anthem at the NBA All-Star Game. (It’s STILL going on.)

I saw that German figure skater Paul Fentz went viral when he did his free skate to music from “Game of Thrones.” But it went a little off the rails, when he did his next dance to the song from "SpongeBob."

With the Olympics over, 90 countries have departed South Korea. Yeah, 90 groups, waving goodbye – or as the NRA calls those, “sponsors.”

In curling, we were beating Sweden so bad, they conceded the match early. Yep, America made Sweden quit in frustration – or as we call it, “the reverse Ikea.”

After years of bad publicity, SeaWorld's CEO is stepping down. He wasn’t sure what was worse – emptying his desk, or the seals clapping as he left.

We have Chadwick Boseman on the show tonight! Yep, he stars in “Black Panther,” which is set in the fictional African nation of Wakanda. And you can tell it’s a made-up African nation, cuz Trump hasn’t insulted it yet.

Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, just lost his security clearance at the White House. They say it's because of shady business dealings, financial problems, and lack of foreign policy experience. When heard that, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Okay - NOW you can call me dad.” (I’ve never felt closer to you!)

Dick's Sporting Goods announced that it will no longer sell assault rifles. Yep, no assault rifles for Dick's - which actually sounds like a pretty good plan. "No Guns for Dicks!"

MARCH

Amazon agreed to buy a smart doorbell company that lets you see people who are at your door. That way if it’s a stranger, you can pretend you’re not home. And if it’s someone you know, you can…pretend you’re not home.

“Black Panther” was a huge hit at the box office again this weekend, making 65 million dollars. The only thing coming in higher? Christopher Walken’s pants at the Oscars.

It was so windy this weekend that almost all the passengers on a United flight to DC threw up. United said, “We’re gonna have to get rid of this plane" - then Spirit Airlines said, “We’ll take it!”

Tonight, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un invited South Korean officials to dinner. Yep, it was described as two hours of, "You take a bite." "No - YOU take a bite first."

I read that Apple employees keep walking into the glass walls at their new campus in California. Then Apple customers said, “Oh – so you DO know how to make glass that doesn’t shatter! Interesting!”

Last night on "The Bachelor," Arie Luyendyk picked Lauren over Becca. Now Becca has mixed emotions -- on the one hand, she’s humiliated, but on the other hand, she doesn’t have to take the last name “Luyendyk.”

When Arie went to leave, the doors to his SUV were locked. Then when he DID get the door open, the driver kept pulling ahead every time he tried to get in. (DRIVING A FOOT AHEAD) "Oops. Oops. Sorry. Oops."

It just came out that in his agreement with adult film star Stormy Daniels, Trump actually used a fake name for himself: "David Dennison." But Trump is denying this, and referred all questions to his spokesman - Dennis Dennison.

In his agreement with Stormy Daniels, Trump used a fake name. Stormy said, "He wasn't the ONLY one faking something."

After Arie dumped her, "Bachelor" contestant Becca received over 6,000 dollars in Venmo donations out of sympathy. Becca said she was touched by the support, while Puerto Rico said, "What the hell??"

Nickelodeon just announced that they’re bringing back the show “Blues Clues.” They figure at this point, it’s the only way to explain the Russia investigation to Trump.

President Trump is flying to California next week for the first time since he took office. When asked if he’ll visit LAX, he said, (TRUMP) “I’ll visit my LA ex, my San Diego ex, my San Francisco ex...” (LOTS of exes to catch up with.)

A zoo in Indonesia is facing criticism after one of their orangutans was caught on tape smoking. It got even worse when they said, “Relax – he only smokes when he drinks.”

Next week is the start of March Madness! Now, March Madness only lasts a few weeks, but since Trump’s president, we’ve also got April Madness, May Madness, June Madness - pretty much goes on all year.

Over the weekend, Trump held a rally in Moon Township, Pennsylvania. And when he got to Moon Township, he said, (TRUMP) “Wow – this place looks EXACTLY like Earth!" ("I knew the moon landing was fake!!")

Donald Trump Jr. talked to a reporter today at a candy shop, and an optical illusion made it look like he was being interviewed by two giant, chocolate Easter Bunnies. It got even weirder when one of the bunnies went (TAKE OFF MASK) "I'm Robert Mueller, and you're under arrest."

President Trump announced on Twitter that he fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. People said, “Can you believe he was so disrespectful to a Secretary of State?” Then Hillary Clinton said, “Yes actually, I can.”

People close to Tillerson said there wasn’t a single hint that he’d be fired. Though in fairness, there was one HUGE hint: he worked for Donald Trump. (It’s always a possibility.)

On yesterday’s episode of "The Price Is Right,” a contestant tried to shake hands with Drew Carey, but Drew didn't see him, so he just stood there with his arm out through the end credits. It got weirder when they turned on the lights in the studio today, and the guy was still there.

A woman here in New York City is suing a parking garage after an employee ran over her $85,000 violin. The garage was like, "Ohh, we feel SO bad for (PRETENDING TO PLAY VIOLIN) Oh right, it's broken…"

I saw that a photo of a dog is going viral on Twitter for looking like it has a human face. It got even weirder when its owner went "Who's a good boy??" and the dog said, (DEEP VOICE) "I am."

I saw that a lot of colleges are off this week for spring break! We asked some students how they’re gonna spend their vacations. One guys said, “Getting drunk with my boys!” One girl said, “Tanning with my friends.” And finally, Rex Tillerson said, “Testifying for Robert Mueller!”

Donald Trump Jr.'s wife, Vanessa, has filed for divorce. His dad consoled him - he said, (TRUMP) "It's okay - the first divorce is always the toughest." (The others will be MUCH easier...)

Toys R Us just announced that they’re closing all of their stores. One customer was like, “Does this mean all the toys are free??” And then they said, “No – you still have to pay, Mr. President.”

It just came out that Trump’s Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “Wow, what a coincidence – I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.”

Yeah, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months.

Golfer Rory McIlroy said there should be a limit to how much alcohol fans can buy at events because they’re getting too rowdy. And cuz he’s tired of hearing drunk people try to say “Rory McIlroy.” (DRUNK) “Rural McIntosh! Roaring Michelob!”

Today is the first day of spring! I went outside, took a nice walk to the store…and picked up supplies for the snowstorm.

But even though it’s officially spring, the East Coast is expecting a giant Nor'easter tomorrow. That's when you know 2018 belongs to women - even Mother Nature's like, "Imma do me, and y'all can just deal."

A giant snowstorm hit the entire East Coast today. People spent the morning posting pictures of the storm on Facebook. Then Facebook spent the afternoon selling them.

Trump is now facing backlash for congratulating Vladimir Putin on his election win. Trump said, (TRUMP) “What’s the big deal? I also congratulated him after MY election win!”

During a speech last night, Trump made sure to thank everyone who helped with his tax bill - and it seemed like he was thanking four different people named Kevin. He said, (TRUMP) "That includes my wife, Kevin. My beautiful daughter, Kevin. And of course my sons - Kevin and Kev Jr."

Even though they’re both in their 70s, Biden and Trump are talking about fighting. Experts say the match would go nine rounds, with ten bathroom breaks.

Marvel is calling the upcoming film “Avengers: Infinity War” the “most ambitious crossover" ever. Which is also what Trump asks for when he gets a haircut.

I heard about a man in Arizona who called the police asking if the dinosaur decorations in his local park were real dinosaurs. The cops said, "No - but the mushrooms you ate were DEFINITELY real.”

APRIL

This morning was the White House Easter Egg Roll. Then when it was over, the Easter Bunny took off his mask and said, (PUTIN) “This is last favor I do for you, Donald.”

Trump said he wanted to thank all the people who "keep this incredible house, or building, or whatever you want to call it, because there really is no name for it - it's special." Then he pointed to the Easter Bunny and said, (TRUMP) ""I also want to thank this incredible creature next to me. This big-eared rat. This albino squirrel. Whatever you wanna call him - there's no name for him, but he is special."

Today, the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You could tell it was cold cuz the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches.

It just came out that Pope Francis once said there’s no such thing as Hell. Then he got stuck in Boarding Group C on Spirit Airlines and said, “Never mind! I found it!”

Welcome to everyone who’s getting ready for bed – and to all the students at Villanova who are still drunk from last night.

Trump’s claiming that Amazon costs the U.S. Postal Service too much money. Trump loves the Post Office – except every time he licks a stamp, he makes it sign a nondisclosure agreement.

A couple put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. He got great shots…of EVERYBODY'S crotch.

President Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. In fact, last night, he made sure to hit Putin extra hard during their pillow fight.

Hillary Clinton said that when Putin heard Angela Merkel is scared of dogs, he brought one to a meeting with her. Which explains why at his next meeting with Trump, Putin will bring a treadmill.

Stormy Daniels' lawyer went on Megyn Kelly’s show today, and he said Stormy can describe the president's genitals in great detail. Americans were like, "Thanks - but we've heard enough about his pole numbers."

Norman Reedus is here! Of course, he stars in "The Walking Dead" - or as that's also known, "Trump's Cabinet."

I saw that Russian battleships have been lurking around communication cables in the ocean. But Trump has a plan to handle the battleships: screaming out, (TRUMP) “B2!” (Did it sink?)

Australia is launching an investigation into Facebook after their hacking scandal. And this is interesting - in Australia, Facebook stock actually goes down the toilet in a counterclockwise direction.

Tinder is testing a new feature that lets users upload two-second looping videos instead of profile pictures. People were like, “Great – now I’ve gotta find a VIDEO of myself from ten years ago.

I read about a woman in Washington DC who found a dead lizard in her bag of Trader Joe’s kale. When people heard, they were like, "Gross! Kale?!"

From "Super Troopers 2," Jay Chandrasekhar and Kevin Heffernan are here! President Trump actually saw the film, and then ordered the Super Troopers to guard the border.

Next week, Trump will make his first visit to Latin America. And I’m not sure about this - he already demanded a joint-meeting with Dora and Diego.

Delta Airlines says some of their customers’ payment information was stolen. Delta apologized to everyone affected - then charged them a 30-dollar apology fee.

A picture of President Trump wearing his coat went viral this weekend because it was a little tight on him. It looks like his plan for the border wall is HIM.

Our musical guest tonight is Five Seconds of Summer! They're performing their song "Want You Back" - which I gotta assume is about President Obama.

House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that he’s retiring from Congress. He said he wants to spend more time with his children at home, and less time with the child in the White House.

Ryan held a press conference about retiring. And at one point, he tried to say that he'll still “serve his full term,” but instead he said "full my serve term." Then he said, "Thank You. And may Bless God the States United."

I read that most Americans say they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically, people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib.

I wanna say congrats to Khloe Kardashian who gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! Yep, the baby has ten fingers, ten toes, and ten million Instagram followers.

The White House is busy planning Trump’s big meeting with Kim Jong Un, but when asked about it, Trump said, "We'll have the meeting, or perhaps we won't, but if there's gonna be a meeting, we don't know." Then he said, "There could be donuts at the meeting. There could be bagels at the meeting. We don't know. It depends on what we have in the meeting."

So to sum up, the meeting is definitely gonna happen, unless it doesn't, which it probably will, unless it won't. Got it. (Good to get that cleared up.)

The Senate confirmed Trump’s pick to lead NASA, Jim Bridenstine. Yeah, “Bridenstine.” It sounds less like a NASA official, and more like a wedding show on TLC.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski just bought a race horse named Gronk. Yeah, they say he spends most of his time eating grass and chasing after birds - while the horse just kinda watches.

I saw that today is World Book Day! People were gonna celebrate, then they said, "Eh - I'll just wait for World Movie Day."

I heard that some Gmail users have been getting spam messages from themselves. Which got really confusing for the one guy who actually IS a Nigerian Prince.

I read about a man who was bitten by a shark, a bear, and a rattlesnake in less than four years, and survived. The man thanks God he’s still alive – while God said, “What do I have to do to nail this guy??”

Melania Trump’s wax figure was revealed at Madame Tussaud’s today, and they put it right next to the wax figure of Donald. It’s so realistic - even the wax Melania refuses to hold hands with Donald. (They talk the same amount, though.)

Ronny Jackson, Trump’s doctor and his pick to run the Department of Veterans Affairs, might be in trouble for getting drunk at work. But in Jackson’s defense, if your job was to look at Donald Trump naked, you’d drink too.

Jackson may have been drinking at work. His patients knew there was trouble when they walked in for their physicals and the doctor was in HIS underwear.