We’re nearly 30 days into Lent. And I have to say, I could not have picked a better year to give up licking the fruit at Market Basket.
Grocery stores in Massachusetts are still asking workers to come in, but offering two extra weeks of paid vacation. Or as that’s also known, “quarantine.”
Scientists are saying that women will have a much easier time fighting COVID-19 than men. Which means there may actually be a reason to say, “Good evening, ladies and germs.”
As the pandemic spreads, thousands of inmates are being released early. Prisons were like, “Hey – you said you wanted more help from elected officials!”
President Trump wants everything open by Easter. And instead of the annual Easter Egg Roll, he’s hosting the first ever Toilet Paper Plunder. “If you run out, just do like me and use the Constitution.”
In the meantime, Joe Biden gave an address to Americans from his basement. Which explains his opening line: 🎵“It’s Joe’s World! Joe’s World! Party time! Excellent!”🎵
Biden sat in front of books, antique photographs, and a football. And luckily, an aide turned the football around before anyone could see the word “Nerf.”
Elton John is hosting a live charity concert where artists perform from their homes. Which will be fun ‘til Taylor Swift’s singing and Kanye pops out from beneath the couch and interrupts her.
**“TAYLOR & KANYE: STILL A TOPICAL REFERENCE SOMEHOW.”**
Speaking of music, original Beatles drummer Pete Best sent out this Tweet today – which brings us to a new game:
Can You Spot Why This is Actually Kind Of Funny?
With New Yorkers under quarantine, the city is running out of puppies to adopt. Shelters hoped to trick people with alternatives, but couldn’t find any rats that were small enough.
If the season is canceled, NBA coaches might have to take a 20 percent pay cut. Most were understanding, while the Knicks’ coach said, “Wait – you guys get paid?”
Steve Ballmer bought The Forum in L.A. for $400 million in cash. Ballmer called it an exciting investment, while the guy behind him at the ATM called it the worst day of his life.
Police in Illinois were called after reports that an adult video store was offering curbside service during a lockdown. All customers will have to pay a fine, and take a mandatory course on using the internet.
And lastly, the website PornHub is giving New York City coronavirus workers 50,000 protective masks and free porn. They said “We want to lend a helping hand while your other hand is busy.”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon