You’re stuck inside waiting on stuff. I’m stuck inside waiting on stuff. And I know a lot of these jokes may not age well. But from the sounds of it, neither will we.
Last night, the NBA suspended its season due to the coronavirus. Or as the Knicks put it, “After consulting with health officials, we have decided to skip the playoffs. Fans come first!”
Before that, they were going to play in empty arenas, but LeBron James said he wouldn’t. Mainly because he didn’t want people at home to hear him call teammates “Hey you!”
Yeah, they were going to play in empty arenas. Which would’ve gotten weird when all the players stop just to listen to Bill Walton. “Dave – have YOU ever seen Zeus surf the Euphrates on a redwood??”
Before all this, the NBA issued a warning to reporters telling them to keep a safe distance from the players. Let’s see how French star Rudy Gobert responded to that:
Pretty funny. Let’s see what happened next…
Even Bernie Sanders was like, “HEALTHCARE FOR ALL BUT HIM!”
Who’d have thought Giuliani would be our second-dumbest Rudy?
Also - look at the Commissioner, Adam Silver in that picture. You know your league’s in trouble when the healthiest guy looks like Judge Doom when he turns into a toon.
Meanwhile, Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” will air without a live audience. Host and “Real Housewives” creator Andy Cohen said, “Exposure to the disease could destroy countless families – and frankly, I’ve grown bored with that.”
Lots of TV shows are airing without live audiences, and writers are working remotely. So if you’re offered a chance to “temporarily” write from home – hi, I’m you in two years. (Lock your desk!!)
MIT and Tufts sent students home for the rest of the semester. That’s when you know this virus is bad – when people who could cure it are like, “DEUCES Y’ALL!”
And Chuck E. Cheese detailed their efforts to prevent the spread of germs, including frequent cleaning, closure of games, and an emphasis on hand washing. Then they told the kids to hug a giant rat so they could fish a hobo out of the ball pit.
And there are rumors WWE could be forced to cancel WrestleMania 36. When asked why he’s worried about the virus, John Cena said, “You can’t see it.” (If you survived that joke, you’re gonna be fine.)
It really doesn’t make sense that WWE would cancel. Especially since Ric Flair is the only one greeting people safely:
But some good news for fans: Patriots great Rob Gronkowski signed with the WWE. But it was awkward when they said he was gonna win and he said, “Wait, how do you know?? (Did Santa tell you??)”
Yep, Gronk is in WWE. For his finisher, he’s gonna give a big splash – you know, just like Robert Kraft.
Hey, speaking of old pervs: Harvey Weinstein was sentenced to 23 years in prison. And in an ironic twist, is now expected to outlive us all.
And lastly, Joe Biden got into a fight with a Trump supporter over the Second Amendment and said, “You’re full of shit.” Then the man said, “Of course I am – I’ve been out of toilet paper for a week.”
A good friend of mine was badly mugged last fall in New York City, and he told me what probably saved his life was that he wouldn’t let himself go down. By just forcing himself to stay up, he survived long enough for help to arrive, and now he’s doing great, and back doing what he loves. He’s an inspiration to me, and hopefully to you. (No, my friend isn’t Tom Hanks.)
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon