I got my Mom Netflix for her birthday. So long story short – when I’m done with this, I have to go walk her pet tigers.
Anyway…
The Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:
1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.
2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.
3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”
4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.
Just a reminder that tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Or as Dr. Fauci calls it, “President’s Day.”
To help people stay fit, USA Today is doing an at home workout series. I don’t want to say I’ve let myself go, but when I saw this morning’s focus is “the push-up,” I said, “Bra?”
Many people are still working out while practicing social distancing. Though I’m not sure a zombie scare is the best time to see eight blocks of people doing Tai chi. “Is that Vincent Price talking??”
Some good news: the NCAA granted a waiver allowing athletes an extra year of eligibility. And basketball players said they were extremely grateful for the laugh.
After recovering from COVID-19, Saints coach Sean Payton will donate blood. Patriots coach Bill Belichick also volunteered, but the nurse had a difficult time locating a heart.
Of course the nation is still experiencing a shortage of toilet paper. And even in the woods, I had to tip a guy five bucks for soaping my hands and giving me a mint.
But being stuck inside for so long can be tough, so if at any point you feel panicked, nauseous and dizzy, immediately turn off the president’s press briefing.
People are still talking about Trump’s briefing yesterday, where he said reporters to should congratulate him and had the MyPillow guy talk. In fact it was SO bad, Bob Dylan just wrote a 17-minute song about it.
I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is rough, but when you play it backwards, it sounds the same as it does when you play it forwards.
I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is too long, but Elon Musk leaves it on for his pets while he goes to Mars.
I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is bad, but Bob Dylan just wrote a song about it.
Speaking of incoherent mumbling: it’s rumored Fox News host Jeanine Pirro did her show drunk. Even crazier – there’s also a rumor the hosts of Fox & Friends do their show sober.
A story’s going viral about a man who had his lung removed, cleaned, and reinserted. Then the doctor said, “Welp, same time tomorrow. Say hi to Mick, Mr. Richards!”
Actually, today is AC⚡DC guitarist Angus Young’s 65th birthday. Which explains his new song: “You Shook Me Until 9 p.m.”
Yep, the band’s youngest member is 65. That also explains their new name: AA⚡RP.
Speakin’ of the tunes! My friend Liam Beatus and his pals came up with a pretty cool way to fill the March Madness void. Go to this link to vote - even though they left out, in my opinion, some MAJOR names (Little Richard, Jamis Joplin, ROY ORBISON!?????)
Here’s my bracket:
Broke my own heart in the Final Four, but The Beatles bailed me out ‘91 Bulls style.
Keep Yourselves Up. To the Champs!!
-Jon