Despite the pandemic, therapists are still seeing patients via Skype. Which begs the question: when I go in my room for a session, do I still say I’m just getting a haircut?
Anyway…
It’s Monday, so we review the Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:
1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.
2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.
3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”
Last night, Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus. But this is weird – when they put his test under a microscope, all the germs were using tiny walkers.
Some good news though: Charles Barkley’s test for COVID-19 came back negative. Unfortunately, he lost $50,000 betting on positive.
Olympic official Dick Pound said the Summer Games will be postponed next year. I guess it’s not a good look when instead of grabbing the baton, the second guy in the relay goes, “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!”
Actually, to fill the void left by live sports, ESPN aired an encore of WrestleMania. And to fill the void left by WrestleMania, people will just watch Trump’s press briefings.
The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Director, Dr. Anthony Fauci said while Trump spreads misinformation, he can’t “jump in front of the microphone and push him down.” Then the Secret Service looked away and said, “We don’t see a microphone…”
Rupert Murdoch’s son, Lachlan, is facing criticism for letting Fox News downplay the coronavirus. Lachian brushed it aside, and urged people to watch the network’s new documentary, “Lincoln’s Migraine.”
Rand Paul is under fire for using the Senate gym while awaiting his positive coronavirus test. But others plan to keep on using it, with Mitch McConnell saying, “How else will I keep my Chins of Steel?”
Actually, McConnell tore into Democrats for delaying a vote on Trump’s stimulus package. Then somebody coughed and he recoiled into his shell.
Yesterday, Governor Andrew Cuomo gave New York City 24 hours to devise a social distancing plan, and urged people not to engage in activities like basketball. Then he said, “That last part was just for the Knicks.”
It’s not all-bad for New Yorkers; a friend sent me a picture with The Hazmat Suit Cowboy.
And New York’s Department of Health says masturbating could be a key to stopping the virus. Man, I would not want to be a potted plant near Harvey Weinstein right now.
That’s right, the Department of Health said, “Your safest sexual partner is yourself,” and told people to masturbate. Even weirder: they said to sing “Happy Birthday” while you do it.
Health officials want people to masturbate. Between that and the Olympics, what a day for Dick Pound.
And lastly, today is National Puppy Day! It’s a bit different this year: when puppies go on the newspaper, their owner shouts, “Hey - leave some for me!!”
UGH! SO MANY SPORTS JOKES!! (4.) Thanks for reading, hope there were one or two you liked. What are you working on? Send it over!
Keep Yourselves Up (The NY Department of Health Says So!),
Jon