DJ on The River just now: “I hope everyone stays happy and healthy – and just be well.” Then… “Here’s Third Eye Blind, with ‘Jumper’!”
IRREGAHDLESS…
Today would have been Opening Day for Major League Baseball. And to keep fans engaged, the Red Sox traded two COVID-19 test kits for a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins.
That’s right, Major League Baseball postponed Opening Day. The Commissioner said, “Trust me – our players test positive for enough things as it is.”
Instead, MLB is promoting “Opening Day At Home” by offering 30 classic games for free. The way it works is, you watch just one baseball game – and by the 4th inning, the pandemic is over.
But baseball’s really changing. You can tell by that new chant: “We want a pitcher – and absolutely, positively, under NO circumstances WHATSOEVER a belly-itcher!!”
It seems like a lot of people are watching the Netflix series “Tiger King,” a true crime doc about a guy who owned a bunch of tigers. I just hope it ends with a mic’d up tiger in the bathroom saying, “What the hell did I do? Ate them all, of course. (And they were GRRRRRRRRRREAT!!)”
Another way people are passing time is TikTok; and now TikTok is accused of suppressing videos from “ugly” people to attract new users. But I think they suppressed mine since I just kept yelling, “How is this different from Vine?? You’re in your 40s! Read a book!!”
I read that even the U.S. military is practicing forms of social distancing. Which is why today, everyone was given the rank of Private.
And through this all, Staples keeps sending out e-mails about sales and discounts. Though it made sense when they advertised a shredder “perfect for presidential addresses.”
Last night, the Senate approved a stimulus bill that gives each adult $1,200 and each child $500. So enjoy your half-day at Disneyland, everyone! (Rides not included!)
Some happy news: yesterday, a boy in Montana was given a “Star Wars”-themed adoption ceremony. Or as Yoda put it, “Onions, is someone chopping??”
Cadbury announced the winner of its contest to name a new “Bunny”: a two-legged dog named “Lieutenant Dan.” Taking last place? An overexcited terrier named “Forrest Hump.”
And lastly, dozens of dead bats fell from the sky in Israel, fulfilling a Biblical prophecy. Then MLB said, “Speaking of dead bats, here’s a game between the Mets and the Orioles!”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon