I Have Opinions…
Instead of going on without a crowd, why can’t WrestleMania adopt an open mic format where the wrestlers sit in the audience? Gotta bring at least seven Doinks to get on, John Cena supportively applauding moves that aren’t that great. I just like the idea of the Superstars getting booking emails that say: “Sunday - 7:10. Please confirm. Vince.”
Is the coronavirus what gets schools to spend just a little less time on dinosaurs? Despite recent reports the dinos may have been poisoned (my money’s on The Jinx), the popular theory remains that an asteroid caused their demise. So what are we teaching children, exactly? If you see an asteroid, “Earmuffs!”? Even at five, I never understood the Jurassic fascination. I asked my teacher, “Are there dinosaurs still?” No. “Are they coming back?” No. “Then why are we doing this?” Extra recess for Little Rineman! And by the way: excellent job with the brontosaurus – you know, the dinosaur that doesn’t exist because you mismatched the pieces? Nice to hear our foremost paleontologists operate with the same efficiency as me assembling a desk from IKEA. I can’t wait until the robots put us together and announce the discovery of Tonya Hardashian.
Speaking of which, how did Rachel never refer to Ross as her “tyrannosaurus ex”?
PEOPLE: “They need to stop advertising debates like it’s the Super Bowl!!” SAME PEOPLE: “Why don’t more Americans vote??” ME: 😐
Any time I see the “Breaking News” ticker on CNN, I’m reminded of the Baby Jessica story from my childhood. By the way, do you think she ever received “Get Well” cards?
Many have had to file for unemployment. I remember my first time. They gave several options for password security questions. The first one: “What was your dream job as a child?” What a nice question for someone who just lost their job. How about this: “What’s the name of the street you grew up on, and how’s it feel being back there?”
Why don’t Paul and Ringo tour together? I can’t think of a better time than the (hopefully) near-present – a period where venues could struggle to draw crowds. They team up on “Sgt. Pepper”/“With a Little Help From My Friends,” then Ringo moves to drums for “A Day In the Life”/“Give Peace a Chance,” and they close on “The End.” Then after a brief intermission, Ringo goes on.
(Then after “You’re Sixteen” and “I Saw Her Standing There,” they’re both arrested.)
Unrelated: I bet every time they hear “Piano Man,” harmonicas are like,“What-Now Man”??
Related: Did you know that if you sub in “Eyes and ears and mouth and nose!” in the middle verse of “The Longest Time,” you get kicked out of TJ Maxx?
And as Morgan Murphy stated on Twitter, at a time when everyone’s performing from his/her/their bedroom: how badly do we miss the great Brody Stevens?
Can we stop the charade of “hiding” the birthday cake? “Don’t go in there!” “Stay out of the kitchen!” “He didn’t see it, did he??” Oh no, the lights are going out. Is it The Undertaker? (What I’m saying, Sadie/Amelia/Henry is for my 50th, I want you to get The Undertaker. He’ll still be taking bookings.)
Wednesday would have been my grandmother’s 98th birthday. Upon learning she was at a Boston Braves game the night Babe Ruth died, I did some research a few years back and found that the Braves hosted the Brooklyn Dodgers. Starting for the Braves? Warren Spahn. In the lineup for the Dodgers? Pee Wee Reese, Gil Hodges, Roy Campanella…and batting second? Jackie Robinson. (Also, Mimi was back there 61 years later to see my sister graduate from BU.)
When I sit in my locked car, windows up, and see all these people still out there jogging, coughing, sneezing and sweating on each other, I can’t help but think, “This might be the year I win the Marathon.”
And lastly - snapped this beauty while driving around near my parents’:
“Have you seen our new confessional?”
When I saw that, I was like, “Holy shit!”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
Below: Some jokes from 2016. No wait - 19 FREAKIN’ 92!!! 😲