Well, the bad news is, health officials still recommend gatherings of no more than ten people. On the bright side, there is one new option: a Patriots game.
Yep, after 20 years, Tom Brady is leaving the Patriots. People in Boston say it’s the worst St. Patrick’s Day they remember. But with the bars closed, it’s also the only St. Patrick’s Day they remember.
Brady leaving creates a whole new dynamic in the AFC East. Usually the Jets finish as low as last. But with Brady gone, they could actually finish as high as last.
It’s rumored that Brady will sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. But it would be awkward when even Florida residents are like, “Who’s the old man?”
This all seems to go back to a feud between Brady and Bill Belichick, and everyone’s torn. In fact today, Robert Kraft asked his masseuse for a “conflicted ending.”
Kraft actually released a statement saying he hoped this day would never come. Then his masseuse said, “I always hope the opposite about you.”
Now that Brady’s done playing in New England, it’s opened the argument on the region’s greatest athlete. Some say it’s Celtics legend Bill Russell, while others are racist.
Both Brady and Belichick are known as Trump supporters, so it’s hard to say whom the president will side with. But since it’s Trump, my money’s on the old white guy in a hood.
Today, President Trump gave another update on the coronavirus. He opened by saying thanks to him, everyone’s saying “Merry Apocalypse” again.
Trump announced plans for a stimulus package, saying, “It’s going to be big, it’s going to be bold.” He then continued, “It’s gonna be wiser. It’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna be tough, it’s gonna be stronger. It’s gonna be calm, it’s gonna be cool, it’s gonna stay together. All I know, all I know, is cash will save the day.” Then when asked where the virus started, he said, “Chickity China, the Chinese chicken…”
Actually, China has banned all Americans who work for the New York Times, Washington Post and Wall Street Journal. Trump was like, “Who do they think they are – me??”
Meanwhile, the pandemic led to the Kentucky Derby being postponed until September. You know – because how are those rapidly-whipped horses expected to run without people cheering them on?
And lastly, brothels around the world are reporting record losses due to the virus. When asked if they have an insurance policy, they said, “Yeah – but he’s still sad about Tom Brady leaving.”
UNLESS YOU’RE BOB KRAFT…
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon