I Have Opinions…
Been seeing some people talk about the difficulty of not touching their faces. Why? Why are you touching your face so much? What’s so special about your face? I’ll let you in on a little secret: if you’re friends with me, or you’re reading this…not that good-lookin’.
Also been hearing people say how Fox News is doing what our parents feared MTV would do to us. And I’d buy that – if it weren’t for the day my Dad watched an Eagles reunion on VH-1 while I watched the nonstop Heaven’s Gate coverage on CNN. By the way, what does Marshall Applewhite have in common with Don Felder? Both got sacked.
Things we’re short on: COVID-19 test kits; toilet paper.
Things we’re all good on: “Singers have more masks than doctors!”; “Just use your CVS receipt as toilet paper!”
I know we all fell in love with the “Missing Hit” episode of the Reply All podcast. In fact, I might say it’s my favorite podcast episode ever (along with Episode 33: “Why Was Bruce Fired?” on “Something to Wrestle with Bruce Prichard”). And yet…Listen to this side-by-side of the recreation and the original:
I know we need nice things. But hold on. A guy remembered a song with a billion lyrics verbatimfor 21 years? Also, despite its obvious similarities – and the fact it came out a year later – the singer had never heard “One Week”? I call “really clever work.” Montreal Screwjob, Meet “Reply All Hitjob.”
Soon after 9/11, Clear Channel issued an infamous memorandum banning any song that could be deemed in any way inappropriate for airplay (which was also a good way to see every Ac/Dc song ever recorded). What hits might an uptight, in-a-hurry executive ban in 2020? A few possibilities:
Aerosmith: “Walk This Way”
Beach Boys: “Then I Kissed Her”
Beatles: “I Want to Hold Your Hand”
The Offspring: “Come Out And Play”
The Black Keys: “Fever”
U2: “Vertigo”
Europe: “The Final Countdown”
Traveling Wilburys: “End of the Line”
Queen: “Another One Bites the Dust”
John Fogerty: “Eye of the Zombie”
Blondie: “Rapture”
The Wiggles: “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (And Screw)”
A recent Twitter thread set out to determine once and for all the greatest sitcom theme song of all time. In my bracket, I had “Cheers,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” “Golden Girls” and “Happy Days” in The Final Four, with Will topping Fonzie in the Finals. But as I opined on Twitter, putting “Fresh Prince” up against “The Jeffersons” so early is some hot-shot booking. You don’t have the top two square off so soon.
Speaking of The Fonz…
Do you think when Fonzie votes, he says, “Electamundo!”
Do you think when Fonzie calls, it’s “Collectamundo”?
Do you think if it’s his doctor after four hours, he says, “Erectamundo!”
With quarantines in place, many writers (this one included) stampeded towards good ole RadioShack as a “place where nobody goes.” But here’s the thing: I love RadioShack. Every time I needed something, they had it, it wasn’t too big to navigate, and you can wear a blue shirt there without being bothered. The thing is, RadioShack could’ve been saved simply by embracing that it’s RadioShack. How? Vinyl. Instead of trying to keep up with the Best Buys of the world, just become a literal RadioShack – selling vinyl copies of everything, old and new. Record players you can’t find anywhere else. License Weezer’s “Back to the Shack” and you’re back on the mall map. While you’re at it, give away free Orange Juliuses. Or toilet paper.
On the bright side, do yourselves a favor and take advantage of the WWE Network opening its content up to non-subscribers and watch WrestleMania III. The best thing that happened in the 80s (after me, of course.)
🚨 SPORTS! THIS IS THE SPORTS PART! SKIP IF YOU DON’T LIKE SPORTS! 🚨
One could argue that no pro sports league has been impacted by the pandemic like the NBA. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Despite having more championship contenders than it’s had since the 80s, the league also has an astounding number of bad teams. If the season ended today (as it actually did a few weeks back), 17 of the NBA’s 30 teams would finish with losing records. Additionally, national TV ratings were said to be down a staggering 16 percent. I attribute this bump in the hardwood to a perfect storm of LeBron playing late at night, the Warriors punting on the season, and lack of true star power in the East (yes, there are still people unfamiliar with the Greek Freak). The league isn’t broken, but it could use some repair. So here is how I – your humble Man Who Belongs In Comedy – would fix the NBA (in a non COVID-19 world):
The Schedule: Play begins on December 25, and concludes in the summer. That way, you let the NFL finish up its regular season, let the almost relevant again NHL have its moment, and take advantage of fans who’ve soured on baseball. All while allowing kids to stay up late and watch the Playoffs and Finals after school has concluded. 82 games. Sorry guys – you are professional athletes.
The Christmas Classic: We don’t just open with five random games scattered across the country. Instead, we open up with a triple-header from one of the many domed stadiums in the U.S. The schedule, made up of (projected) contenders goes as follows: East vs. East, West vs. West, then the Main Event: East vs. West (ideally, a Finals rematch or “preview”). Using tracking cameras, we create the same atmosphere as the Final Four, essentially making this the NBA’s WrestleMania. One (or two, depending on teams) National Anthems to kick off the whole thing and one MVP at the end. Mix in some other musical performances, pre-taped sketches and mini-documentaries and perhaps even unveil that year’s nominees for the Basketball Hall of Fame. One ticket gets people in, mark up the ad prices, and make this an E-V-E-N-T. This tells the world, “Basketball is BACK.”
Rest Policy: Each player is granted two games of non-injury rest per season. For every five years in the league, you get two more. Want to rest players? Okay. Play them in the first quarter, and then pull them out. It is their job to play basketball. Any hesitations? No problem; a league appointed physician will be on-call at every arena to examine the injured. You have 15 active players. Use your fouls wisely.
Realignment & Expansion: The West is “too good”? Okay. We move Zion Williamson and the New Orleans Pelicans to the East – along with Ja Morant and the Memphis Grizzlies. It’s now or never, Timberwolves. Then, we correct two wrongs and award a franchise to Vancouver while somewhere, Martin Crane smiles at the return of the Seattle SuperSonics.
Wait. You’re adding MORE teams to a league that ALREADY mostly stinks? Hold on…
Playoff Expansion & Modification: Rather than just going with the top eight teams in each conference, teams falling within 7-10 compete in single elimination Play-Ins (7 vs. 10, 8 vs. 9). Then, the winners of those two games play to determine the 7thand 8thseeds. This adds six do-or-die Playoff games, and gives teams on the bubble motivation to keep playing rather than tank. Then in the first round, we get rid of the long, senseless seven-game series and make it best of five.
Fouls & Overtime: Tired of watching your favorite player sit on the bench during bonus basketball? Same here. So at the end of regulation, the slate is wiped clean. Everyone who hasn’t been ejected can check back in – but three fouls in OT lands you back on the bench.
And since I’m on such a roll fixing basketball, I’m going to do a little baseball fixin’ as well:
Extra Innings: Games can’t continue longer than 12 innings. It’s boring, it wears out (highly-paid) pitchers, and nobody wants to see the worst guys left closing out the game. After 12? Out comes the pitching machine, each team picks 10 hitters – each of whom get exactly one in-play swing. Whoever has the most home runs at the end wins. Baseball’s version of a shootout. #SuddenDeathDerby
🚨 THIS IS THE END OF THE SPORTS PART! THE SPORTS PART IS OVER NOW! 🚨
My daughter and I did some coloring the other day, and while her stuff was PRETTY good…MY stuff…
Answer to this week’s Can You Spot Why This is Actually Kind Of Funny? The red and white sign down at the bottom right corner… #PeaceAndLovePeaceAndLove
It’s now been nearly a week since we lost Kenny Rogers. One of the greats, one of Mom’s favorites, a nice guy, and a classic unseen “Seinfeld” character. I met him once, and what were we doing? Washing our hands.
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon