Well, here’s what I’m talking about…
The big story is the coronavirus, and experts are warning people to avoid crowds or large social gatherings. Which explains that new slogan: “Jon Rineman: I Definitely Don’t Have the Coronavirus.”
It’s on everyone’s minds. For her birthday, my daughter asked for “Nod-From-A-Distance Elmo.”
Then after nervously milling around behind me, my parents’ dogs finally said, “Can you just tell us what you had for lunch?”
President Trump announced that Mike Pence would head up his Coronavirus Task Force. The way it works is: if you’re paler than Mike Pence, you have the coronavirus.
But I’m sure with Mike Pence in charge, we don’t have to worry at all about germs—
Welp…I’ll probably try and meet Babe Ruth first. Maybe Lincoln?
But people were upset when a picture got out showing Pence’s Task Force has zero women. Then Trump said, “You want to add cooties to the equation??”
Trump told reporters we’re dealing with the virus by ordering “a lot of different elements of medical.” While his speechwriter is apparently “ordering a lot of different elements of edible.”
Trump seemed to take credit for his “handling” of the virus by closing the borders. Because as we all know, nothing stops airborne germs like a grounded wall. “I’ve also asked all mosquitos with West Nile to fly no higher than two feet! You’re welcome!”
It was announced that the virus has spread to New York. But the way Reuters reported it was a little misleading. Take a look:
If you have a Headline, send it to “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank CA 91523! We’ll be right back to Terry Bradshaw!”
I believe that’s known as “sick-bait.” (Uh-thankyou.)
Now that it’s made its way to the state, many are afraid of a pandemic in New York City. But Mayor de Blasio assured New Yorkers it would be killed instantly by all the other viruses in New York City. “Well well well – who’s the tourist?”
Experts say the virus could lead to emptier sports stadiums this spring. Then the Orioles said, “So, the chairs are gonna leave, too?”
There’s also a movement to eliminate handshakes, and replace them with fist-bumps. People were like, “People touch everything with their hands! What’s the worst they could touch with their fists oh my god let’s go back to handshakes.”
In fact, a survey says 38% percent of beer drinkers won’t buy Corona because of the coronavirus. “Welcome to our world!” said the makers of Scurvy Ale. (Have you met Jeff Scurvy? He’s a sweetheart!)
But the virus has made its way to the U.S. And doctors issued a warning that if you exhibited recent bouts of choking, there’s a chance you’re Bernie Sanders.
On Saturday, Joe Biden scored a decisive win in South Carolina. Biden said he was humbled by the support, and hopes others will honor him with their vote tomorrow. Nah – he dumped Gatorade on his campaign manager and yelled, “I’M GOIN’ TO LEGOLAND!!”
It revived Biden’s campaign, and people were already pushing him to “draft Kamala” as his running mate. But before his staff could clarify “Kamala Harris,” Biden already had 500 of these posters made:
“And my cabinet?? All Doinks!”
Bernie Sanders downplayed his loss to Biden, saying, “We are putting together a coalition of multiracial, multigenerational coalition of African-Americans, Latinos, whites, Native Americans, Asian-Americans.” Which I think was his way of saying he’d been endorsed by Vin Diesel?
Bernie also held a rally with Public Enemy, but Flavor Flav refused to appear. Then Bernie put a giant sundial around his neck and said, “1929 WAS THE NUMBAH! ANOTHER SUMMAH! WE MUST GET DOWN WITH THE FUNKY DRUMMAH, BROTHAS AND A HANDFUL OF SISTAHS!”
Tomorrow is Super Tuesday - which sounds less like a political benchmark and more like a term the most annoying person in your office would coin. “It’s my favorite - besides Marvelous Monday and Wacky Wednesday!”
Elizabeth Warren’s campaign manager said she is “poised” to finish second in eight states. Which explains Warren’s Secret Service codename: “Pepsi.”
But Warren is hoping for a win in the state of Massachusetts; Sanders is leading the state of California; and Michael Bloomberg’s a lock in the state of denial.
Actually, Trump took some time to weigh in on the primaries, and Bloomberg in particular:
Shout out to the guys from FEMA who helped him back up.
Incidentally, “AHHHHHH, GET ME OFF!” was the only line in Trump’s wedding vows.
Tom Steyer dropped out the race, but promised to keep spreading awareness about environmental issues. Especially since he spent so much on his campaign, he now has to sleep outside.
If nothing else, we’ll have something pretty special to remember Steyer by. Here he is dancing to the song “Back that Azz Up” at an event the night before he dropped out:
Hey - still the least disturbing video of a politician with a Juvenile.
And Pete Buttigieg dropped out, meaning we’ll have to wait for another candidate to break the tradition of a First Lady living in the White House. Then Melania said, “Ha – okay.”
Amy Klobuchar dropped out today. But I think she’ll be fine. She could always be…
The grandma at a piano recital who takes out a flask and says, “Time for my juice box.”
Your aunt at Thanksgiving who says, “Can you pass the potatoes? Unlike the bar exam.”
The morning drive time sidekick who says, “I know some gals who’d love to rock Dwayne’s Johnson.”
The wedding guest who says “A white gown for her? Ooooookay, Mother Teresa!”
Or, the Comedy Central panelist who waits for the right time to jump in and say “Yeah – in my pants!”
The number one movie at the box office was “The Invisible Man,” and it’s about a guy using a suit that makes him invisible to commit horrible acts on women. Which should explain things when you see a walker with no one behind it saunter into Harvey Weinstein’s sentencing.
That’s right, “The Invisible Man” came in first at movie theaters. And thanks to the coronavirus, it was able to do so by making just 12 dollars.
There are a bunch of paranormal films coming out this year. One of the most anticipated is “Ghostbusters: Afterlife,” where the events of the original film are known as the “Manhattan Crossrip.” Manhattan Crossrip? That sounds like something your landlord does when he squats down to fix your sink.
The Manhattan Crossrip? That’s what happens to your pants when you sit in “gum” on the 4 Train.
The Manhattan Crossrip? That’s what Trump asks for when he goes to SuperCuts. “Gimme a Manhattan Crossrip – and while I’m waiting, a Jersey Shore Faceblast.”
Oprah is recovering after a nasty fall during her motivational tour. She was like, “Everyone in the front row look under your seats and PICK ME UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!”
It was pretty scary. She was like, “Is anyone here a doctor?? Not named Oz or Phil??”
Oprah actually fell right when she was giving a lecture on “balance.” Then when she moved onto “drive,” she got run over by a Honda.
Judge Judy announced she will be ending her show after 25 years. Yep, after all those years of sitting around in a robe, she’ll finally get to…keep doing that.
But “Judge Judy” is ending. When asked what she’ll do now that she’s retired, she said, “Same as anyone – watch ‘Judge Judy.’”
Tony Romo signed a deal to stay with CBS Sports for 17-million-dollars a year – an all-time record for an analyst. Not to be outdone, Rob Gronkowski agreed to say at Fox for a mix of Goldfish and animal crackers. “Surf ‘n Turf, bro!!”
And there are more rumors saying it’s unlikely Tom Brady will return to the Patriots. Robert Kraft was so tense, his morning massage lasted thirty-five seconds.
Scientists claim to have discovered the first extraterrestrial protein. While an alien followed me around the store asking if I wanted a second bottle half-off by signing up for GNC’s rewards program.
Officials in Ohio found a 25-year-old alligator living in a man’s basement. When asked how they knew it was 25, they said, “It had a rental car.”
Some sad news: the founder of Trader Joe’s passed away at 89. Meanwhile, the founder of Whole Foods died from the exact same thing at 124.95.
And lastly, a performer with Puppetry of the Penis injured his testicles with a corkscrew during a show. Even weirder – the show was “Hamilton.”
Hey, speaking of Kamala. The man behind the Ugandan Giant, James Harris, has undergone some really rough times as of late. If you’d like to pitch in and help out, please go here.
Have a wonderful week,
Jon