So, are Republicans also willing to sacrifice the old at heart, errrrrr…
I hope everybody is doing okay. I’ve been binge-watching that show about the doctor who gets framed, then goes on the run. You know, Anthony Fauci?
President Trump said people should be able to go back out in public next week despite Dr. Fauci’s warnings to isolate. Man, for a guy who loves Shark Week so much, you’d think Trump would’ve seen “Jaws” by now.
Dr. Fauci is the immunologist who’s been appearing with Trump at his press briefings, but last night, he did not appear. It got worse today when Trump’s “Task Force” was Scott Baio, a scarecrow, one of those inflatable wavy guys and Eric Trump (on Skype, sound off).
Last night’s press briefing was insane. Here’s clip that truly sums it up. CHECK IT OUT.
So if you experience a fever, just apply that cold shoulder.
Trump is like, “I guess the virus makes you deaf! Sad!”
It seems like every day, Trump alienates another medical expert. But he has a plan to fix it: today, he installed a button on his desk that brings him a Dr. Pepper.
In a new poll, 60% actually approved of Trump’s handling of the pandemic. Or put another way, 40% of those still dumb enough to go out and talk to a pollster DON’T. “Sorry my mouth’s red from doing jello shots off a stranger at the beach, but yeah, Trump’s nuts!”
The big news today is that the Summer Olympics were officially postponed to next year. I guess they decided it might not be safe to have thousands of people drenched in Purell surround a giant flame.
Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a list of essential businesses that can remain open during the pandemic. And this is odd – the first one? Bunghole Liquors.
Bunghole Liquors: An Actual Establishment in Massachusetts.
A strip club in Oregon that was forced to close is now sending strippers to people’s homes. On the next episode of “Dateline.”
Everyone’s keeping a safe distance from the elderly. But it’s actually easier than I thought, because my Dad’s with Kim and I’m with Taylor. (We have had some TENSE phone calls…)
To preserve bandwidth, YouTube will reduce video quality. Which should explain things when Governor Cuomo says, “If you’re concerned: yes, the Grape Stomp Lady still falls.”
The virus has had a big effect on the economy, and Goldman Sachs says it’s a good time to buy gold. As in, “I can’t believe I just wiped my butt with gold.”
And in the middle of all this, Woody Allen is releasing a memoir that details his romantic relationships. People were like, “Dude, WAY too Soon-Yi.”
And lastly, the LA Rams introduced their new logo, and it seems kind of familiar:
In related news: the Rams declared bankruptcy because of the Redskins, then tried to deport the Browns.
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
VERSION 2.0 (oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh)!…