The Daily Dozen 5.20.20

New York City may have businesses stagger their openings so the subway isn’t crowded. In addition, they’re adding a new rule that limits subway dance troupes to just 40 people.

And Massachusetts will allow marijuana dispensaries to open next week, but customers must make curbside pickups. In other words, their new way of dispensing weed is the old way of dispensing weed.

I saw that a company is selling panties that say “Fauci” on the outside. They’re also selling diapers that say “Dr. Oz” on the inside.

And Japan is planning a “surprise fireworks show” to lift people’s spirits during quarantine. Because if history’s taught us anything, it’s that Japan loves surprise explosions.

Yep, a surprise fireworks show in Japan. It’s from the same group who planned the German Army’s “Throwback Uni Parade.”

A tech CEO says France should sell the Mona Lisa to cover its losses during the pandemic, saying it would bring in over 50 million dollars. Plus whatever your plumber charges to get it out of your toilet.

A leaked Pentagon memo says the pandemic could last until next summer. Even crazier: it was leaked by Horace Grant.

People are still talking about the Chicago Bulls documentary “The Last Dance,” but one of the players it ignored was little-used guard Rusty LaRue. Well, Rusty LaRue posted an itinerary with the aliases used by players at hotels. Some made sense, but some were surprising. For instance…

Starting center Luc Longley? He went by…

Then there’s Toni Kukoc. He was listed as…

“Sha right that was a foul, Uncle Frank!”

He’s not the only one using a TV nickname. Steve Kerr was listed as…

Now here’s a guy with a strange name as is: Dickey Simpkins. His alias?

Then there’s the coach, and reclusive Montana native Phil Jackson. He went with…

His play book was 300,000 words long.

The team’s second-best option, Scottie Pippen? He went by…

Of course, Dennis Rodman had craziest alias of all. His was…

Oddly specific.

And finally, Rusty LaRue got to the great Michael Jordan. The name he chose so no one would bother him?

Speaking of Chicago, last night the Willis Tower – formerly the Sears Tower – lost power. It was the worst case of someone from Chicago losing power since the Inauguration.

People noticed the Tower seemed to look like an annoyed human or robot. Check it out:

That looks like Beaker after trying to deep-fry a turkey.

The CBS Evening News also lost power last night, when a glitch accidentally ended its 6:30 broadcast. The network said, “Thank God our viewers go to bed at 6.”

And as if things aren’t bad enough, a dam burst in Michigan today, causing thousands to evacuate. But don’t worry – Trump promised to bring two rolls of paper towels.

Trump was actually scheduled to tour a Ford plant in Michigan. He’ll give a succinct update on the pandemic and its effect on the economy. Just kidding – he’ll spend an hour honking horns, then ask to meet Optimus Prime.

Joe Biden responded to reckless accusations made by Trump’s sons, saying, “I don’t want to get in the mud with these guys.” Then he said, “But Peppa and George? Hell yeah!”

In other Joe news, Joe Rogan signed a $100 million deal with Spotify to air his podcast. At least that’s what the reptilians want you to believe.

Joe Rogan’s getting $100 million. Of course, he insisted on being paid in GNC gift cards. 

Former “Real Housewives of New York” star Alex McCord earned her Master’s Degree in psychology. However, she needs a degree in psychiatry to treat fans of “The Real Housewives of New York.”

I saw that Target’s online sales have risen 141 percent during the pandemic. While Walmart will send an old guy to your house to say, “Hi – welcome to bed!”

USA Today published some stretches you can do at home to stay in shape. Though it’s weird that their hamstring stretch is a hotel guest stepping over a USA Today.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.19.20

A group of researchers is developing a plan to test for COVID-19 by sneezing into a phone. The way it works is, you sneeze repeatedly into your phone and show up on the next season of “Crank Yankers.”

A photo went viral showing Mayor Bill de Blasio talking to New Yorkers in Central Park:

That looks like Mr. Rogers starring in his own WrestleMania “Boneyard Match.” 

That looks like an NPR host asking for help assembling a grill outside Home Depot. 

You can’t tell, but he’s telling the guy on the bike, “Please put on a shirt, Mayor Giuliani.”

Pier 1 announced it will be shutting down permanently. Makes sense – how is a chain that sells home furnishings expected to thrive when literally everyone’s stuck in their homes?

And the Belmont Stakes will take place in June without spectators. Of course there are some concerns, like what if we can hear the horses swear?

That’s right, there won’t be any spectators at the Belmont Stakes. And instead of jockeys, each horse will be ridden by a mannequin from J.C. Penney.

Today would have been wrestling legend Andre the Giant’s 74th birthday. And I bet if he were alive today, he’d look at Trump and say, “Yikes – who’s the giant??”

President Obama will not attend his official portrait unveiling in the White House. He said it had less to do with Trump, and more with no one believing that’s actually him.

And South Korea says Kim Jong Un has not been seen for weeks. Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the Cameo he sent my mom for Mother’s Day??

A woman in New Zealand taught her dog how to perform CPR. Which sounds cool, until you hear she also taught it how to run to victims in slow motion.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.18.20

Well, the bad news is the Keith Richards of Dad Stores, JC Penney has filed for bankruptcy. But on the bright side, some of its employees have landed on their feet:

If you missed it this weekend – our former president gave a stirring speech that was watched by millions, while our current president made his own JibJab video.

On Saturday, President Obama gave a streaming commencement address where he praised graduates and took numerous swipes at Trump without naming him. Then Trump said, “Joke’s on him - I’ve already got a name. (Two, if you count John Barron!)”

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted a video where his head is edited onto Bill Pullman during his big speech in “Independence Day.” While whoever does the same thing using the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man will immediately receive a Nobel Prize.

Trump also bragged about having a hypersonic weapon he described as a “super duper missile.” When told North Korea was developing a “super-DEE-duper missile,” Trump said, “We’re doomed! Everyone into the basement-slash-Eric’s bedroom!”

Today, Trump took part in a round-table with restaurant executives. He had a lot of questions beforehand, like, “Do I bow or curtsey for the Burger King?”

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said that anyone swimming in the city’s waters would be removed. New Yorkers said, “Let’s start with people who aren’t ‘swimming’.” “Hey you in the red track suit! This is the Mayor! Stop hiding your face in the water and come out RIGHT NOW!”

New York continues to warn residents about hallucinations, delirium and lack of oxygen. For example:

Baseball announced its plan to return during quarantine, but one of the conditions is no mascots. They said, “Sorry, but a pandemic is no time for people in masks and gloves.”

MLB’s pandemic outline is actually 67 pages long. To put that in perspective: if you read the whole thing twice, you’ll miss one inning.

There are a number of rules, such as “No spitting,” “no hugging,” and “no high-fives.” Incidentally, those are also the rules for the presidential debates.

There’s another rule where inactive players have to sit in the stands instead of the dugout. That’s gotta be fun when a manager tells a pitcher, “You were awful! Now get up in there and start The Wave!”

That’s right, they’re limiting the number of people in each dugout. And when a team wins, it has to use the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.

ESPN aired the conclusion of “The Last Dance,” and the epilogue says Michael Jordan “retired” and ignores his comeback with the Wizards. Which is like a doc on someone else saying, “Then he fired Meat Loaf and Gary Busey from his game show, and that was that!”

Michael Jordan says he was poisoned before his “Flu Game” after eating a pizza delivered by five men in Utah. And the hallway was extra crowded, thanks to their 37 wives.

I actually feel like it might’ve been an inside job – especially when you see the five guys:

With “The Last Dance” over, ESPN’s next documentary is about Lance Armstrong. They said it follows in their theme of athletes who did amazing things with the ball.

And NASCAR returned. At least it would’ve, if the guy saying “Gentlemen, start your engines” weren’t wearing a facemask. “Did he say ‘Gingerbread Stunts Your Enzymes’?” “Nah – it was ‘Hendersons Hide Your Harries.’”

It’s actually kind of hard picking out NASCAR fans, since after weeks of at-home haircuts, we all have mullets.

Today was the 40th anniversary of the eruption of Mount. St. Helens. Which means tomorrow is the anniversary of President Carter solving it by drinking the lava.

Trump said he’s taking hydroxychloroquine to battle COVID-19. But you could tell he’s confused when he said, “Which kind should I take today: a Fred, or a Wilma?”

Trump told reporters he’s been taking the potentially fatal drug “for a few weeks.” When asked who prescribed it, he said, “My new doctor – Ike Pence.”

I’m torn: do you warn people not to listen to Trump, or wait to see how he tries to spell “hydroxychloroquine”? “Took another shot of Hendersonshideyourharrys! Thank you!”

Hydroxychloroquine is actually designed to treat malaria. When asked if he’s come in contact with malaria, Trump said, “Not since our wedding night.”

Joe Biden gave a campaign speech from his home, but was constantly interrupted by noise from birds. Or as they’re known online, “Bernie Crows.”

Biden was actually interrupted by some Canadian Geese. Then Trump said, “What a coincidence –lately, I’ve been followed by vultures!”

Lindsey Graham took a video at a reopened barbershop, showing off a new haircut. Then he excused himself to look for a beard. (For Halloween!…….He’s going as Harvey Fierstein!)

Strip clubs are opening up, but requiring strippers to wear masks. I’m guessing it’s not quite the same when the emcee says, “Coming to the stage right now –the juicy gyrations of Jason Voorhees!!!”

You think that’s bad – wait til the strippers ask you to make it rain with toilet paper.

Yep, strip clubs have a policy of “clothes off, masks on.” Or as Charles and Camilla call that, “Sex.” #Topical

A priest in Detroit used a squirt gun to spray Holy Water in parishioners. But the real highlight was when he broke out the Wafer Cannon. “Whooooooo wants some JESUS???”

And people noticed that Chuck E. Cheese’s is selling its pizza online under the name “Pasqually’s Pizza.” But the pizza chain assured kids there’s nothing wrong with Chuck E. Cheese; he just used a racial slur on a conference call with investors.

A man created an AC/DC song using artificial intelligence. As opposed to AC/DC, which does it using other AC/DC songs. “Here’s our new one for ya – ‘Dirty Hell Shoots Bells’!”

And lastly, a South Korean soccer team apologized for using sex dolls as stand-ins for fans during a game. Things really went off the rails when the announcer said, “Wow, look at all the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!”

Yep, sports fans you can take home and sleep with. Or as they’re also known, “Kardashians.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Tryout

It’s now clear that just two things can save us from COVID-19: President Trump and Korean baseball. But that’s not all they have in common. Back in 2015 – when this was all still funny, as we thought Hillary knew about swing states and people would clap for Jeb unprompted – Britain’s Daily Mail reported that our current Commander in Chief was a star ballplayer. So good, in fact, he was supposedly scouted by…the Boston Red Sox. So strap on your Rod Serling/Jordan Peele/[Current Press Secretary] swirly glasses as we travel to another dimension, where an 18-year-old with flowing red hair and unwavering confidence takes the field in the summer of ‘64…

BOSTON– Tom Yawkey looked on from afar. Always interested in signing talent – rarely doingit, but often interested– the man who allegedly shouted Jackie Robinson off the field was present for another tryout. But there was no shortage of swagger at Fenway Park this day, as hot shot, “my parents can’t stand-me”/military school prospect Donald J. Trump walked up the steps of the Red Sox dugout. “I’m still hoping to sign with San Francisco,” he remarked. “After all, the J in my name stands for ‘Giant.’ But my dad says he might pull a few strings and make me a Dodger.” Then, “Wow! Look at all the scouts here to see me. There must be 200, 300, 800 scouts!” – eliciting a shrug from both of them.

As Trump surveyed the cozy confines of Fenway, I asked how familiar he was with the park, and the tragedy with which its opening coincided. When told that it was the sinking of the Titanic (and not “the dinosaurs go bye-bye,”) he remarked, “Ah yes. But if you ask me, that iceberg was treated very unfairly. There were some fine people on that boat, but there was also some veryfine ice on that berg!”

            Trump then mentioned that he was staying at the nearby Hotel Buckminster, as the hotel owned by his father was, quote, “a raging bedbug orgy.” When asked if he knew of its significance in Shoeless Joe Jackson’s “Black Sox” scandal, Trump said, “Of course. He refused to wear his shoes, which made his socks turn black. That’s why you always sleep in your shoes, folks. I even made up a rhyme: ‘shoes in bed, while you rest your face.’” Another scribe brought forth the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry, and the debate about whether Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio is the game’s greatest hitter. But young Mr. Trump wasn’t taking the bait. “That’s a tough call – like trying to pick a side in the Cold War.”

            Trump remained upbeat, boasting of past achievements at the amateur level. “Our first game, I went 4 for 5,” he said. “Then our next game, 5 for 5. And – you won’t believe this – the game after that, I managed to go 8 for 5. It had never been done – not even by Footless Jim Johnson.” This clearly raised the bar for Trump’s workout. Asked whether he possesses all five tools, he said, “No – but I plan to have three with my first wife.”

After snorting the first baseline, Trump was ready to show his stuff. First up was batting practice – but just preparing proved a chore. “I know I’m a lefty,”he was heard whispering, struggling to pick a box. “But they’ll only take me seriously as a righty…”Following several misses and weak grounders back to the mound, Trump summoned a caddy, who proceeded to place a baseball on a tee. “Ah, that’s more like it!” said Trump, before hitting one ball to the outfield…then refusing to pay the caddy.

Perhaps, it was suggested, Trump would make a better sacrifice hitter, laying down a tight squeeze. “I laid down two verytight squeezes on the flight up,” he replied, “but don’t worry – I paid the stewardess 130 grand to keep it quiet.”

From there, it was on to base running, at which Trump rounded the bases in an impressive 12 seconds. When asked to do so without riding in a limo, Trump declined, citing “cleat spurs.” 

“All field/no hit” appeared to be the best-case scenario as Trump switched to defense. “You expect me to wear this giant first baseman’s mitt at second base??” he asked, before a coach replied that it was actually a child’s glove that fell out of the stands. The coach then proceeded to hit 20 fungos – followed by 19 “I wasn’t readies” and one ball that was blocked by Trump’s five-foot-long necktie. 

“It’s okay,” Trump assured us, “I’m better suited as a cutoff man.” When asked if anything had gone over his head, Trump said, “Yes – the plot to ‘Mary Poppins.’ One minute, it’s fun, then they jump back out of that drawing and it’s a big-boy movie! Am I gonna see dancing cartoon penguins or what??”

Given his girth and the protective cup that saved him from that stewardess, it was suggested Trump should give catching a shot. “Fine. But I’m not wearing a mask. Did General Lee wear a mask?” he mused about a man who at no point played baseball. “No. So I’m not wearing a mask. It’s a no. Record no-ness from me, that I can tell you. Gimme the mask just in case. You’re Fake Ball!”

The coaches then directed Trump to left field, where, curiously, he proceeded to let fly ball after fly ball bounce directly off his head without the slightest reaction. As we finally approached, it became apparent that Mr. Trump wasn’t even facing home plate – but instead, the oversized, green barrier before him. “OH. MY. GOD,” he said like Janice from that future show. “Look at that beautiful WALLLL.”

Nothing would deter him – this was now the only topic of conversation. “I have never seen such a big, beautiful wall,” he marveled. “If only there was a way I could share my need for this wall with the masses…using approximately 275 characters, then five stray dots…before finally finishing my thought 11 minutes later on the toilet…”

He was smitten. “Would you look at it?” he exclaimed, now physically hugging the monstrosity. “When you sign me, that wall’s gonna get ten feet higher! And when I can’t get the Mexican League to pay for it, the Washington Senators will!”

As his tryout ended, Trump appeared pleased by his performance – but was already looking ahead to his post-playing days. (“I heard when you’re a third base coach, you get to wave some Latinos home.”) And finally, he met with Mr. Yawkey. When asked if Trump would be suiting up at Fenway, Yawkey – owner of the last baseball team to integrate by a decade– said, “Sorry – he’s far too racist.”

The Daily Dozen 5.14.20

Well, if you thought the trillionaire thing was bad, just wait til Bezos wins “The Masked Singer.” “I KNEW he was the Vaping Mosquito!”

Today, Pope Francis called on people of all religions to join in prayer. Then he said, “But if you’re someone who says you’re ‘spiritual, but not religious,’ just try drinking bleach.”

President Trump addressed COVID-19 in Pennsylvania today, saying, “When you test, you have a case. When you test, you find something is wrong with people. If we didn't do any testing we would have very few cases.” Then he said, “It’s like they say: ‘If a tree falls in the forest, the chicken or the egg?’”

Before that, Trump tweeted that he wants President Obama to testify before the Senate about a so-called scandal called “Obamagate.” Then Obama shrugged and said, “Know what? Sounds fun. (Sorry Michelle, gotta go. But you guys enjoy that kale bread!)”

Trump also said Dr. Fauci didn’t give an “acceptable” answer when he said there’s no easy answer to re-opening schools to children. Fauci said he would’ve been more direct with Trump, but some of the people watching at home were children. 

Florida is rolling out is social distancing restaurant guidelines, including a rule that just four people share a table in Miami. Or as that’s also known, “The Golden Girls.”

Some were outraged when Wisconsin residents returned to bars and restaurants without wearing protective facemasks. But before you judge, most of them were wearing protective cheese-masks. 

McDonald’s is opening its dining rooms, but with social distancing guidelines. Everyone’s taking it seriously – in fact Ronald McDonald is only letting 80 friends ride in his car.

A German café is celebrating social distancing guidelines by giving out pool noodle hats:

It finally answers the question, “How would history have changed if Germany was conquered by a bachelorette party?”

Officials in Singapore deployed a robot dog to enforce social distancing in a park. When asked to describe the dog, residents said, “Crunchy.” (Again – get mad at me about an actual thing while you eat a goddamn cow. I’m very, very sorry about the make believe death of that…robot dog.)

I read that more people have noticed their houses are “haunted,” after experiencing supernatural incidents during quarantine. Well, you know what they say: “🎵Who you gonna call?? THE DOCTOR!🎵 because you probably have COVID-19.”

Actually, people who’ve battled COVID-19 say they’ve experienced extreme hallucinations. While people who just finished their 11th binge-watch of “Suits” said, “Bring it!”

One doctor reported hallucinations such as dogs jumping onto his bed and birds flying into his room. Then colleagues said, “Was it COVID-19, or MOTEL-6?”

Yeah, he says he saw birds fly into his room and was visited by the dead. Then Tupac told his parakeets, “That does it – back in the cage!”

I read that new restrictions are making it harder to harvest oranges. In fact, makers of Orangina say this could have up to no effect.

New research says that loud speech can leave COVID-19 germs in the air for 14 minutes. Which is why today, the White House Press Corps said, “Okay – no more questions!”

Yeah, they say that those who exchange in quiet conversation are less likely to get sick. So whenever you feel down, just picture a group of NPR hosts teaching themselves how to hunt. “I think maybe if we make some subtle observations about something the deer said in its book, it’ll die of shame?”

The horror classic “Psycho” will return to theaters this summer. It’s a little different – this time, Marion screams in horror when Norman only sings two lines of “Happy Birthday” while washing his hands.

Actually, both “Psycho” and “Jaws” are headed back to theaters. So if you want to see a guy with mommy issues and a vicious, bloated carnivore – Trump 2020!

In a new interview, Matt Damon says COVID-19 was foreshadowed by his film “Contagion.” While Ben Affleck says empty movie theaters were foreshadowed by his film “Gigli.”

Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Blake Snell pushed back at taking a pay cut this season, saying it’s not worth risking his life for less money. He was like, “I want to have ALL my money when I’m dead!”

Yeah, Snell doesn’t want to take a pay cut to play baseball because it’s too risky. He said it’s already bad enough working a job where you get a day off when it rains.

Joe Buck says Fox may add artificial crowd noise to its NFL telecasts. While for the Jets, they’ll just play an endless loop of THIS.

Buck also said they may add CGI fans. And this is cool: for Browns fans, they’ll even have CGI paper bags over their heads.

NFL during a pandemic should be fun. I can’t wait until a team wins the Super Bowl and dunks the coach with a bucket of Purell.

Former Patriot Matt Light says he once pranked Bill Belichick with a computer mouse that shocked him every time he touched it. When asked how he was feeling, Belichick said,

During last night’s UFC event, one of the fighters actually handed his teeth to the referee. Fans turned away in horror, while the ref put them under his pillow and retired.

ESPN released its list of the 74 best NBA players. Yep, 74. When asked who they looked for, ESPN said, “Guys who always gave it 107 percent.”

Unsurprisingly, Michael Jordan was ranked number one. But coming in second? This guy:

A nine-year-old boy in Tennessee caught an 80-pound sturgeon. In fact it’s such a big fish, when you strap it to a board, it sings that whole Bob Dylan song about JFK getting shot in the head.

A fan noticed that a Season 4 episode of “The Simpsons” reveals Homer Simpson’s birthdate, and that he recently turned 64. You can tell Homer’s 64, because he refers to “The Simpsons” as “THE Family Guy.” “Is that the one with Seth McMeyers??”

USA says it’s canceling its drama “The Purge.” But you can still watch it using another platform: your window.

USA Today did an article on how virtual baby reveals can be just as good as the real thing. They say even with Skype or Zoom, a dad can still tell his son, “Finally, I get a boy.”

And lastly, I read that more people have begun going nude around the house during quarantine. In related news, their cats just tried drinking bleach.

On that uplifting trifecta – Keep Yourselves Up!

Jon

Actually, this should fix it:

The Daily Dozen 5.13.20

Well the good news is, a UFC fight took place in front of spectators. The bad news: it happened at Red Lobster.

This is pretty big: researchers say a feature on your FitBit can detect COVID-19. At least it could’ve, if you hadn’t traded it for a square of toilet paper.

Yesterday, Los Angeles extended its stay-at-home order to July. COVID-19’s a little different in LA; if you test negative, the doctor sends a note saying he’d still like to collaborate on future viruses.

People in apartments are snapping at their neighbors for having loud sex. They’re like, “Would you please stop?? I’m trying to homeschool the result of me having loud sex!”  

Realtors in Manhattan are preparing for a permanent exodus due to COVID-19. In fact new projections show that Rachel and Monica actually could afford that apartment.

With the U.S. suffering a beef shortage, more meat from Mexico could make its way to dinner tables. But it gets weird when you bite into a burger and go, “El Chapo?”

A restaurant in Washington D.C. filled half its tables with mannequins to stay “full” during social distancing. It gets even weirder when you break up with someone and notice the mannequins leaning in to eavesdrop. 

Yep, a D.C. establishment that’s half dummies. Or as that’s also known, “Congress.”

Howard Stern went on a rant where he called on President Trump to resign. Which is ironic because in a tweet this morning, Trump misspelled “Barack Obama” “Baba Booey.” #BooeyGate

Stern wants Trump to resign, while Rush Limbaugh is accusing Democratic Governors of ruining the economy. When asked if radio personalities could sway the election, voters said, “What is radio?” (“It’s like a Podcast, but with ads.” “So…a podcast.” “THIS IS MY HOUSE!” “Okay, Boomer.” “Okay ZOOMER.” “That was pretty good actually.” “Eh, I stole it from Joy Behar.”)

A company is selling a candle that smells like Harry Styles called “Cashmere Vanilla.” Ironically, “Cashmere Vanilla” is also the Secret Service codename for Mike Pence.

Netflix dropped a trailer for its docuseries on Jeffrey Epstein, which tries to shed light on his mysterious life and death. In fact there’s one scene where security cams catch Carole Baskin’s tigers sneaking out of his cell.

It was announced that “Jaws” is returning to the movie theaters this summer. And thanks to beachgoers in Florida, audiences will actually be rooting for the shark.

Theaters say it will give younger viewers a chance to see the film on the big screen. Or, you could just sit really close to your TV.

I guess “Jaws” was updated, because when Quint coughs, the shark spits him out.

UFC was back tonight, and it featured a TKO by Chase Sherman, the “Vanilla Gorilla.” Ironically, “Vanilla Gorilla” is the Secret Service codename for Trump.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.12.20

I’m behind on the news, but best I can figure is Jeff Goldblum beat up Scott Burrell?

Well, if there’s one thing we learned in today’s Senate testimony, it’s that COVID-19 hasn’t killed nearly as many people as Tim Kaine.

This is interesting: while Kaine was at the hearing, train robberies dropped 90%.

That’s what Senator and former Vice Presidential nominee Tim Kaine wore over his face at today’s Congressional hearing. When asked how long he’s been wearing it, he said, “Since November 9th, 2016.”

When people first saw Kaine, they were like, “Who the hell is that??” Then he removed the bandana and they said, “Still – who the hell is that??”

I know we’re all laughing at Kaine – but did you see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?

Today, Dr. Anthony Fauci testified before Congress via video conference. Here he is:

Some were listening, while most waited for a toddler and a baby to burst through a door in the background.

Dr. Fauci warned against reopening too early, saying it could lead to deadly outbreaks – while President Trump is still pushing for businesses to resume operations. But who do you believe – a world-renowned disease expert, or a guy who looks like every panel of a “Signs of Gout” poster rolled into one?

Fauci was met with some resistance, including Senator Rand Paul saying Fauci is not the “end-all, be-all” in deciding to reopen. In case you’re not familiar, here’s Rand Paul:

First he tries to stop Ray from turning his cornfield into a baseball diamond, now this?

Fauci also said people will still be homeschooling their children in the fall. Kids aren’t sure what’s worse – listening to Mom all day, or Dad seeing if his cheerleading outfit still fits.

Yep, parents will still be the teachers. While the principal will for some reason be Screech. 

After his press secretary tested positive for COVID-19, Vice President Mike Pence will begin to distance himself from President Trump. Then Pence said, “Yes – ‘begin.’”

But Trump was busy pushing a conspiracy theory that Joe Scarborough was responsible for the death of a Congressional intern. Trump must’ve been channel-surfing this morning, because he also said, “And where was Big Bird when Mr. Hooper ‘died’?? #BirdGate”

It was announced that Broadway shows will be closed through Labor Day. But it evens out when you realize the only way to greet people now is “jazz hands.”

But the good news is that “Hamilton” is coming to Disney+ on July 3rd. The bad news is that even in my living room, the best ticket I got was standing directly behind a lamp.

And singer Bryan Adams went on a rant about his tour’s cancelation, blaming COVID-19 on “Bat Eating Bastards.” Which is ironic, since the last concert I saw was Bat Eating Bastards opening for The Murder Hornets. (Their jam version of “Zoom Bomb”? *Chef’s kiss*)

And “CBS This Morning” host Tony Dokoupi looked like he fell asleep on the air today. TAKE A LOOK.

It’s the worst time that’s happened since Al Roker said, “Now a look at what’s happening in your neck of the class I forgot to go to all semester and now it’s the final exam in my underpants!”

Meanwhile, “Fox & Friends” asked if he was on any medication so they could give it to Brian Kilmeade.

But Dokoupil denied he was sleeping, and says he was looking down at the iPad in his lap. When asked what was playing on the iPad, he said, “Relaxing Sounds of the Ocean.”

And today on “The View,” Meghan McCain revealed that the quarantine has caused her roots to start turning gray. While somewhere, her father said, “Wow – sounds horrible. Gray roots? How do you stay sane??”

Netflix is developing a documentary about the 1999 World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s Soccer Team. Mainly to show us how to achieve greatness without using your hands.

SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt says he’s nervous ESPN is running out of things to talk about. He said, “We’re just up there adlibbing, riffing, making meandering conversation that has nothing to do with sports – then, the pandemic started.”

I read that a Knicks City Dancer is working as a nurse at a New York City hospital during the pandemic. When asked how it compares to her other gig, she said, “Not as sad.”

Beachgoers in Florida left 12 thousand pounds of trash on the beach last weekend. Which explains that new song: 🎵“Coma Shark, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo…”🎵

12 thousand pounds of trash on the beach. Or as that’s also known, “Bachelor in Paradise.”

Robert Pattinson photographed himself for the June/July cover of GQ. Sure, when he does it, it’s “cool,” but when I do it, it’s “Needs more quarters.”

I saw that today, Kate Gosselin’s sextuplets turned 16. And you can tell they’re 16, because they’ve never heard of Kate Gosselin.

In light of COVID-19, Twitter says its employees are welcome to stay home forever. Then Quibi said, “Uh yeah – ours too.”

And lastly, an MTA vehicle slammed into a parked Pepsi truck near Times Square. Marking the first time it was ever acceptable to say, “Is Pepsi okay??”

Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.11.20

The Northeast was hit with heavy rainstorms this afternoon. And even though I can’t go outside, I still lost my umbrella in a cab.

People are starting to crack, and kids are chanting, “No more homework! No more homework!” Then they heard baseball is coming back and chanted, “We want homework! We want homework!”

Baseball owners approved a plan where the first game would be played as early as July 4th. While the game would end as early as August 4th.

The Red Sox’ owners called the plan a “good first start,” the Yankees’ owners called it “reason for optimism,” and the Orioles’ owner is a Roomba trapped in a corner.  

There are several rule changes, including expanding the Playoffs to 14, always using a designated hitter, and 50 players per team. So if you want to watch baseball – you can probably go play it, too.

They’re doing everything to try and change the game’s image. Today, a guy in Iowa heard his cornfield whisper, “If you build it – make a TikTok.”

But the season would start on the 4th of July – which may present a conflict with that other competition: The Nathan’s Banana Bread Eating Contest.

The outbreak at the White House is apparently severe, and everyone who works there has to wear masks. When asked why President Trump isn’t, staffers said, “Again – everyone who works here.” 

Staffers at the White House have to wear face masks and wash their hands regularly. Or as they were told, “Just pretend Steve Bannon’s still around.”

But everyone’s worried – Lincoln’s ghost said he’d be more comfortable Zoom-haunting.

An Asian reporter asked Trump why he calls virus testing a “global” competition, and he responded, “Ask China.” When asked why they don’t remove Trump from office, Republicans said, “Ask Russia.”

Anti-lockdown protesters stormed a Subway sandwich shop in North Carolina with guns and a rocket launcher. But they retreated when the kid behind the counter busted out the tuna scoop.

Meanwhile, Shanghai Disneyland reopened. Visitors are required to wear masks, while one duck said, “How about pants?”

People in Florida protested the temporary closure of gyms by doing sit-ups and pushups outside. While comedy writers got a cardio workout racing to write the same joke about it.

And not only were there people doing pushups outside; there were also some old naked guys just walking around making small talk. “Ya excited for baseball?”

Mike Tyson put out a training video and said he’d be open to boxing former rival Evander Holyfield. When asked if he’s in, Holyfield said, “HUH??? (Say it on the other side!)”

Tyson released a dramatic video and declared “I’m back!” Then he saw a Murder Hornet and said, “I’m out!”

Dave Grohl wrote a touching essay for The Atlantic about how much he misses live music, and can’t wait for its return. While Bob Dylan released an 87-minute song about The Donner Party. “This is what people neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!”

And lastly, a teenager in Canada had his license revoked after he was caught driving 191 miles per hour. Or as he put it, “Well – we tried to save ‘em, Doc!”

Keep Yourselves Up, and Serenity Always,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.10.20

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Photo Circa 2013

Even though we’re under quarantine, I still managed to pick some flowers for my Mom. While the Murder Hornets managed to take my wallet, my keys and my car.

Yep, a day to celebrate a parent while remaining distant – also known as “Father’s Day.” #WordEconomization #ShoutoutToRandyPrice

And now Father’s Day is around the corner. Or as Dads put it, “Can you flush a necktie?”

President Obama tweeted that even if you can’t hug the mom in your life, you should give her an extra thank you. Then Trump said, “Someone tell Maraca ‘Extra thank you’. (Fake Maraca, too.)”

Washington D.C.’s quarantine has led to a number of wildlife sightings, including foxes, coyotes and muskrats. When asked if they’ve seen any bears, officials said, “Not yet, Senator Graham.”

But officials in D.C. have seen a number of rare birds, including red-tailed hawks and wild turkeys. While staffers in the Oval Office said they spotted a lame duck.

And after everyone went out and got masks, scientists are saying the virus can actually enter through your eyes. Man, who would have been crazy enough to oh you gotta be f#&@in’…

“And joke’s on you, because I was already holding my breath since I ate a burrito two weeks ago!”

Joe Biden’s campaign is apparently building a team of Republicans to go against Trump. But they’re being careful to keep it a secret – which is why they haven’t told Joe Biden.

But you’ll know Biden’s onto the “covert team” when he pulls up in a van with a Mohawk. “Time to pity some fools! Yes, my necklace IS made of Froot Loops!”

Frontier Airlines announced it will take its passengers’ temperatures before allowing them to board. Which gets even worse, when you see you’re in Boarding Group Butt.

UFC returned to action last night – and actually banned fighters from complaining about working conditions during the pandemic. Which explains the ref for each match: Ellen.

Boston Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck donated one million dollars towards a COVID-19 vaccine development. While out in Los Angeles, the Buss Brothers went to Panera just to sneeze in the soup.

An agent says NBA star Zion Williamson received money to attend Duke. Even crazier: “Zion Williamson” is just Lori Loughlin’s daughters standing on each other’s shoulders.

Williamson allegedly received gifts and other services, which could lead to an investigation of Coach Mike Krzyzewski. And when I said “Krzyzewski!” someone yelled at me for not wearing a face mask.

ESPN accidentally displayed the phone number of Cincinnati Reds pitcher Trevor Bauer. They were like, “Phew – thank God kids don’t know any baseball players.”

Tom Brady posted a Mother’s Day message to his mom Galynn and wife Gisele Bündchen. While Rob Gronkowski posted message to his mom, Peggy Bundy and Mommy Shark.

And lastly, a rare demo recorded by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in the 90s is up for auction. Which is cool, until it starts, “A-one, two, three, FO-WAH!! 🎵You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals…🎵”

Keep Yourselves Up, Fools,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.9.20

Say what you will, but that July 4th Hailstorm is gonna be SIIIIIIIIIIICK! 🎆🇺🇸

That’s right, today was May 9th – and it snowed. But, it let me play a cool new game: “Guy making snow angel, or guy killed by Murder Hornets?”

You know quarantine’s lasted a while when even Mother Nature’s like, “What day is this??”

Speaking of mothers, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Which will make it awkward when I tell Mom my flowers must’ve gotten lost in the walk from upstairs to the kitchen.

President Trump reflected on his mother recently, and said in her eyes, he could do no wrong. While no one had the heart to tell him that was actually Sean Hannity pulling a Mrs. Doubtfire. “Hello!!!”

Ivanka Trump’s personal assistant tested positive for COVID-19. Ivanka and Jared were immediately tested for the virus, while the virus was tested for Don Jr. And Eric.

Press secretary – and wife of Trump aide Stephen Miller, Katie Waldman – tested positive for COVID-19. And fleas. And ticks. And mites. And loss of reflection…

If you’re not familiar, this is Stephen Miller:

Miller says he has no idea how his wife got sick, then got back to eating his bowl of bats.

But speaking of animals… 

The good news is, a llama may be the key to a vaccine. The bad news? This is the llama:

During a leaked phone call with former staffers, President Obama referred to Trump’s handling of the pandemic as an “absolute chaotic disaster.” He then turned the conversation back to electing Joe Biden – or, “Operation: Better Chaotic Disaster.”

There were a number of glitches during a Joe Biden Zoom rally. The worst part was when Biden ended up in the middle square with the graphic, “Vice-President Biden as Alice.”

There’s talk the election might need to be conducted by mail. Because when I look at how smoothly our elections have gone, I think, “Let’s add the Postal Service to the equation!”

It could be tricky, so if you have questions on how to mail in an election, just ask Hillary.

But I’m okay with it. When I asked my mailman if we had anything to worry about, he said…

UFC returned this weekend in an empty arena. Which made it awkward when the ref could be heard saying, “And as always – no tickling!”

Yep, UFC returned. And the first fight was a rematch between that Praying Mantis and Murder Hornet.

A new video shows a Praying Mantis eating a Murder Hornet. Wildlife activists called the footage reprehensible, while officials in Georgia said, “Eh, let’s give it a few months and see if it goes viral…”

Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo had his Twitter account hacked on Thursday. As a result, he’s chosen a more secure password: “Giannis Antetokounmpo.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said games would have to be held in empty arenas until a vaccine is approved. When asked how he’d approach games without fans, Silver said, “See how the Patriots handle it.”

The NFL announced its schedule on Thursday. The first game will kick off on September 10…and end in a 0-0 tie when nobody wants to pick up the ball.

Some sad news. Roy Horn of the legendary live tiger act Siegfried and Roy passed away at 75. Or as God put it, “Shit – I was aiming for Joe Exotic.”

Roy Horn – who spent his entire life performing with tigers – died of COVID-19. And after, the tigers got a call from some Australian crocodiles saying, “We know just how you feel.”

And lastly, the legendary Little Richard passed away at 87. Morning shows ran tributes, while “Fox & Friends” put up a graphic of Tupac. “I’m told it’s actually ‘Lil Richard’!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.6.20

Today is National Nurses Day! To nurses like my Aunt Jill – thank you, thank you, thank you!

To pay tribute, I asked my aunt what she wanted for a gift, then a doctor came in to ask the same questions all over again.

But to show you how crazy things have gotten, “Black Mirror” writer Charlie Brooker says he’s stopped writing, because he feels we’re “already in a dystopia.” And that’s just after seeing Nicolas Cage is playing the Tiger King.

As if that’s not enough, NASA says an asteroid came very close to Earth on Monday, but our satellites failed to notice it. To be fair, the asteroid was wearing a face mask.

While President Trump toured a face mask plant in Arizona, the James Bond anthem “Live and Let Die” played in the background. That’s why he introduced himself by saying, “The name’s President. Worst President.” 

Yep, the Guns ‘N Roses version of “Live and Let Die” played as he toured the plant. Voters said, “That’s okay – next time it’ll be November Rain.”

Yep, Trump decided not to wear a face mask at a face mask factory. Which is about the same as wearing a D.A.R.E. shirt to Burning Man.

But Trump DID wear goggles:

Well, now we know what would happen if Kurt Rambis had a baby with the Michelin Man.

Looks like Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” got stung by a thousand Murder Hornets.

And Trump says nobody is blaming him for unemployment. He said, “I’m telling you – other than Reince Priebus, John Kelly, Mick Mulvaney, Omarosa, Kirstjen Nielsen, Omarosa a few more times, Steve Bannon, Sebastian Gorka, Michael Flynn, H.R. McMaster, John Bolton, Fiona Hill, Rob Porter, Sean Spicer, The Mooch, Hope Hicks, Hope Hicks again, Stephanie Grisham, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Gary Cohn, Peter Navarro, Omarosa again I think?, Don McGahn, Ty Cobb (the lawyer), Ty Cobb (the baseball player’s ghost), Ronny Jackson, Chris Christie (which counts as two), Jeff Sessions, Mike Pence eventually, James Mattis, Rick Perry, Sally Yates, Andrew McCabe, Rex Tillerson, Nikki Haley, Mike Pompeo, did I say Omarosa?, Linda McMahon, and the first two Fake Melanias – my GIANT hands are clean!”

Today, Kellyanne Conway said President Trump looks at the whole country as a battleground. Which explains why he yelled “Bone spurs!” and took off in a jetpack.

Germany is eyeing an “accelerated” return to normalcy in May. Which is good, because when have things ever gone wrong when Germans organized rapidly? 

A Dallas salon owner got seven days in jail for reopening her salon during the pandemic. Which should explain the upcoming gang war between The Perms and The Rachels.

In Chicago, an inmate used a facemask to switch places with another prisoner who was being released. On the bright side, he also founded a successful ad agency and created an iconic commercial for Coke.

I read that casinos owned by Native American tribes are free to reopen. Critics said, “But you’d be spreading disease and famine!” And Native Americans said, “…Sounds awful.”

Officials actually have a good plan for shutting the casinos down: selling them to Trump.

Two industries that are really suffering are automakers and beef suppliers. Then horses said, “You know, pulling a carriage isn’t that bad…”

Airlines are slowly reopening, but many will insist on taking passengers’ temperatures. Then United said, “And that includes all the loose scorpions!”

While some retailers are announcing plans to reopen, TJ Maxx stores remain closed. Which is surprising, because if there’s one thing I thought they’d never do, it’s fold.

I read that motorcycles sales are down due to COVID-19. As a result, men are just sending mass e-mails that say, “I am bald.”

Yeah, nobody’s buying motorcycles. When asked what he’s afraid of, one biker said:

But there is some good news. Experts say the key to a cure for COVID-19 may lie within a llama. Then they said, “Or an emu.”

Belgian scientists actually think they’re on the verge of a cure, and all they have to do is extract the particle from a four-year-old llama. Then beef suppliers said, “About that…”

There was an awkward moment during a Supreme Court conference call when a toilet could be heard flushing. Which explains why the case resulted in four guilties, four innocents, and one “Don’t come in here!!”

Yeah, a toilet flushed. Then one of the Justices said, “Sorry – had to dismiss a juror. Had to lighten my caseload. I was facing double jeopardy. Had to follow doo-doo-process…”

It was announced that Mortal Kombat 11’s “Aftermath” add-on will feature RoboCop. But that was overshadowed when they announced it will also feature Paul Blart.

And lastly, Jim Gaffigan will play my genuine favorite monologue character of all time: the late, great Toronto Mayor Rob Ford…

Gaffigan wasn’t their first choice, but they couldn’t get the Kool-Aid Man.

OH YEAH! KEEP YOURSELVES UP!! 🇨🇦

 JON!!

The Daily Dozen 5.5.20

I know there’s a lot of anxiety right now. So do like me and take some time away from the news and your projects, power up NBA 2K20, and see that you panic-beat the Rockets by 25 on the road at 3 a.m. and completely forgot about it.

Today is Cinco de Mayo. I’m sorry, I wrote that wrong. It should be: TODAY IS CINCO DE MAYO?? (So, can I put away the snow blower, errr…?)

I celebrated the best I could: chugging a jar of mild Ortega sauce and Zooming with a mariachi band.

Of course many will be trying drink recipes found online. But make sure they come from a licensed mixologist and not a sitting U.S. President. “Kool-Aid + Windex + Air Conditioner Drippage = TASTIE TREET! Enjoy!”

There are reports the White House is thinking of winding down its coronavirus task force. Which makes sense, considering the crowd in the background at Trump’s last briefing:

Meanwhile, Mark Cuban was asked about running for president and says he hasn’t “closed the door.” Then he heard about Murder Hornets and said, “CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR!”

Chris Christie pushed to reopen the country despite grim COVID-19 projections, saying, “There are going to be deaths no matter what.” Incidentally, that’s also what Christie says on Free Donut Day.

Actually, when I saw Chris Christie trending, I assumed he’d just eaten the rest of Alex Jones’ neighbors.

But a meat shortage has led some fast food chains to reduce the amount of beef on their menus. Which explains that new menu item: The McNapkin.

For some, it’s paying off. For example, here’s Grimace when burgers were on the menu:

 And here’s Grimace now…

But Taco Bell is selling a new kit to help people make their food at home. In fact it’s so authentic, the final ingredient is “Roll eyes at self while claiming all those tacos are ‘for my coworkers.’” 

The NFL will release its 2020 schedule this week, despite COVID-19. But I felt a little uneasy when I saw the first game features the Las Venus Raiders and the Jupiter Jaguars.

And the New York Jets signed star running back Frank Gore. Fans were excited until they introduced their new quarterback: Al Gore.

The Obamas will host a virtual commencement ceremony for the class of 2020 featuring BTS, Lady Gaga and former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. But only if Gates and Gaga touch base to make sure they don’t wear the same thing.

Yep, BTS, Lady Gaga and Robert Gates. It should be a wonderful ceremony…for the Classes of 2030, 2009 and 1948.

Frontier Airlines has a new promotion guaranteeing an empty seat next to you for . As opposed to the other way to keep the seat next to you empty: take off your shoes.

Today, Elon Musk welcomed a baby boy with his girlfriend, Grimes. The nurses were like, “Push!” while Musk went, “10…9…8…7…6…”

When Musk asked for help changing its diaper, the nurse said, “Jeez, you don’t have to be a…uh, you know, certain kind of person who does science stuff.” 

And the baby is apparently named “X Æ A-12.” Incidentally, that’s also what I have to type into this blog to prove I’m not a robot.

There’s a rumor Pope Benedict is trying to sabotage Pope Francis. But before choosing sides, I’ll just wait for Kris Jenner to leak their phone call.

I read an op-ed that says conspiracy theories tend to run rampant when people feel helpless. But isn’t that what Jim Morrison would want us to believe, man??

Police in Utah pulled over a five-year-old boy who stole his parents’ car. Everyone had a good laugh about it until they called his parents and heard a phone ring in the trunk.

Yep, police removed a child who was at the wheel. Then voters said, “How’d you do it?”

And lastly, there’s a viral video that shows a Murder Hornet killing a mouse in less than a minute. And right after, the Hornet got a call saying:

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.4.20

Well it’s official: we finally have our Worst “Friends” B-Roll of All-Time:

Today is May the 4th, or “Star Wars Day.” It’s weird during quarantine, because right when you’re gonna say “Nice Chewbaccca costume!” you realize you’re looking in the mirror.

It’s affecting everyone, because today Darth Vader said, “Luke – I am your teacher.”

Actually, this week is National Teacher Appreciation Week. And so’s next week. And the week after that. And the week after that. And the week after that…

Speaking of children, President Trump said he is being treated worse than President Lincoln. People were like, “Lincoln suffered irreparable brain damage that robbed him of his senses and left him unable to communicate—actually, when was Trump’s last physical?”

Don’t worry. The only time Trump’s ever been to the theater was to see “Police Academy 4.” “Movies are like wives; I ignore the first three.”

Trump says the press has treated him worse than Lincoln during the Civil War. He kinda has a point; how come Lincoln never gets any crap for that time he tossed a bunch of paper towels at the Battle of Gettysburg? “The Confederacy is a hoax! Sad!”

Speaking of Lincolns, CBS passed on David E. Kelley’s drama “The Lincoln Lawyer.” Instead, they’ve turned their attention to a new series: “Murder Hornets, She Wrote.”

Everyone’s worried about the Murder Hornets. But the focus on them has taken attention away from other law-breaking pests who are also quite horrible. For instance, there’s….

 The Distribution of Steroids Meerkat

The Boys & Girls Clubs of America Embezzlement Booklice

The “Pray the Gay Away” Mantis

And of course… 

The Zoom-Bombing Chipmunk

People in Boston broke quarantine to protest at the State House. Officials refused to relax Boston’s social distance guidelines, and said residents just have to be racist from home. 

In New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo’s popularity has risen to 77 percent. While today, Bill de Blasio’s car was keyed just 77 times. (His license plate does say “BADMAYR.”)

Clarence Thomas broke a three-year silence during a Supreme Court teleconference. Even crazier, it was to say, “Carole definitely fed her husband to those tigers.”

As if things aren’t bad enough, China is apparently set to unveil a stealth nuclear bomber that could reach Los Angeles. But things will work out when it’s eaten by a Murder Hornet.

ESPN announced it will start airing the Korean Baseball Organization. Which might backfire, since the only guys still watching baseball actually fought in Korea.

COVID-19 forced Gold’s Gym to file for bankruptcy. The weird thing is that even when the gyms are closed, they’ll still have a bunch of naked old guys walking around the locker rooms. “How do we change the TV from that crappy baseball league??”

Yep, Gold’s Gym filed for bankruptcy. When asked if they’ll go out of business, Planet Fitness said, “Wait – how are we in business to begin with? (We spend more on pizza than people pay to join…)”

Nicolas Cage will star in a new scripted series playing “Tiger King’s Joe Exotic. To make sure he gets the character right, Cage will prepare for the role by being Nicolas Cage.

You’ll know Cage put his own spin on things when they find Carole Baskin’s husband on the back of the Magna Carta.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen(ish) 5.3.20

Back not so much by popular demand, but by friendly suggestion:

It was a strange weekend. But to try and sum up: Kim Jong Un reemerged and was eaten by Alex Jones who was then murdered by a hornet?

Alex Jones actually said he wanted to eat his neighbors’ bodies and drink their blood. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard, and I’m going to pray for that man the next time I get Communion.

During a big tirade about “surviving,” Alex Jones said he would eat his neighbors. Or as one guy put it…

People knew something was up when Jones asked if they wanted Quiche Lorraine or Quiche Lamont.

More specifically, Alex Jones said he wanted to eat his neighbor’s ass. Women were horrified, while his neighbor Jeff was like, “Well, well, well – guess I don’t need that standing desk after all!”

And now scientists are saying we’re about to be invaded by “Murder Hornets.” Which is ironic, because the Murder Hornets were also favored to win the XFL Championship.

I actually feel bad for the lead Murder Hornet. He brings them all this way from Asia, and we’re all inside? That’s not an invasion – that’s a “Vacation” movie. “It doesn’t matter, kids! We’re still gonna have the hap-hap-happiest harvest since Jiminy Cricket tap-danced on Charlotte’s f*%&in’ web!!”

The Hornets thought they picked a good time, as Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day. At least it would’ve been, if people’s sweatpants weren’t fused to their legs.

George W. Bush released a video calling for unity and bipartisanship during the fight against COVID-19. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney released a video saying he shot one of the Murder Hornets in the face.

But Trump keeps pushing for the country to reopen, and tweeted out a tribute to boaters. Or as he put it, “From my sinking ship to yours…”

Last week, the Blue Angels and the Thunderbirds flew over New York City to “raise people’s spirits.” Because if there’s one thing that’ll relax New York City, it’s LOW-FLYING PLANES. “Here’s another idea. Know how everyone on the street’s alone? One night a week, we let Son of Sam out…”

To stop the spread in New York, Governor Cuomo helped disinfect a 7 Train in Queens. Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani pitched in by riding a coin-operated horse outside P.C. Richard.

Since the Kentucky Derby was canceled, Churchill Downs held a virtual race featuring several dead horses. And at the end, they thanked their sponsor: Taco Bell.

Yeah, virtual racing. But one guy lost so much betting on it, he had to sell all his air guitars.

Major League Baseball is working on a plan to play games in Florida. It’ll get weird when a drunken streaker runs onto the field and they say, “It’s cool – he’s the governor.”

Yeah, baseball teams would only play in Florida, Texas and Arizona. Which means Phillies fans would have to mail opposing pitchers single-A batteries.

The NHL says it will allow hockey players to resume small group activities. You know, like…watching hockey.

And the NBA is looking to play its games at Disney World. And this is nice: when the players ride “It’s a Small World,” they’ll get to see the kids that made their shoes.

And lastly, it turns out ESPN’s documentary on the 90s Bulls isn’t even finished, even though it’s already airing. You’ll know they rushed it when the finale’s just a guy saying, “There’s nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t date Carmen Electra!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Just Some Jokes 4.26.20

Well hello.

It’s now day 40 or 50-whatever of the quarantine. I hadn’t fully realized how long it had been until I heard my daughter listening to “Teenage Shark.”

I haven’t posted for a bit. I was buying wipes – or as Trump calls them, “Fruit Roll-Ups.”

After Trump’s press briefing, Joe Biden sent out a tweet saying, “I can’t believe I have to say this, but don’t drink bleach.” Then Biden said, “Blowing bubbles in it? Hell yeah! Rock’n’roll! But no drinking!”

Elmo went on CNN to get information on COVID-19 from Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Meanwhile, Oscar went on Fox news and made jokes about Lorena Bobbitt with Dennis Miller.

Some parents have given up homeschooling. Experts in Boston say it’s unrealistic; experts in Oregon say it’s overwhelming; and experts in West Virginia think the teacher’s sleeping with the students.

Speaking of families, it’s rumored that Kim Jong Un is near death, and his role will be filled by his “even crazier” sister, Kim Yo Jong. That sounds less like a succession plan, and more like a quick fix when someone quits a Chuck Lorre sitcom.

Yep, Kim Jong Un is apparently a vegetable after surgery. So if you feel a loud rumble, it’s not nukes; just every comedy writer stampeding towards the words “Kim Jong Un” and “vegetable.”

If that’s not scary enough, a giant asteroid is set to pass by Earth on Wednesday. Researchers say it shouldn’t come too close, while the Mayor of Las Vegas cleared the Strip so it can land.

Last week was the NFL Draft, and everyone had to make picks from home due to COVID-19. Or as the NFL calls it, COVID XIX.

The big story was the dog sitting at Bill Belichick’s computer during ESPN’s live coverage:

So if you see a man who looks like Belichick chase after a fire truck, now you know why.

Laugh all you want, but the dog managed to snag two first-rounders from the Browns and suspend all pension benefits for Michael Vick.

Rob Gronkowski came out of retirement to play for Tampa Bay. It should be fun when he gets there and says, “No way! The last quarterback I played with was named Tom Brady!”

One of the sports hit hardest by the pandemic is Major League Baseball, and there’s even some talk about contraction – or, the elimination of teams. But I thought instead of that, they could just merge a few teams and have them meet in the middle. For instance…

• The Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox become…the Buffalo Pink Sox.

• The Toronto Blue Jays and Tampa Bay Rays become…the Wilmington Ray Js.

• The Kansas City Royals and Cincinnati Reds become…The Belleville Prince Harrys.

• The Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves become…the Kentucky Something Even More Racist.

• The Detroit Tigers and L.A. Angels become…the Colorado Carole Baskin Husbands.

• And finally, the Texas Rangers and Houston Astros become…the Austin Powers.

The Rolling Stones’ new quarantine-inspired song, “Living in a Ghost Town” is the number one song on iTunes. That explains their follow up: “What the Hell is iTunes?”

Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney are in a fight about whose band was better. Yep, two guys in their 70s fighting about stuff they did in the 60s – or as that’s known in the U.S., “an election.” 

And lastly, Al Jardine says The Beach Boys are going to tour for their 60th Anniversary. Yep – a bunch of guys pushing 80, planning a new tour. Now you know I love The Beach Boys, and I was actually able to get a list of the new songs they’re working on. There’s…

1. Surfer Nurse

2. I Scoot Around

3. Help Me, Sanka

4. Fiber, Fiber, Fiber

5. Sleepin’ Safari

6. Surfin’ CPR

7. Little Deuce Pan

8. (Why Aren’t You Wearing) Pants, Pants, Pants

9. Palpitations

10. I Can’t Hear Music

11. Please Let Me Wander

12. Surf’s Up (For More Than Four Hours, Call Dr. Fauci)

13. In My Tomb

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

It's Good Friday Somewhere!

There’s apparently a new documentary where Pope Francis refers to Scotch whisky as the “real holy water.”

Then his AA group said, “Guess we know who ‘Pope F.’ is.”

People grew concerned at communion when he kept saying, “One sip for you, two sips for me!”

But the first sign of trouble was when he came to mass wearing a chalice helmet.

It got even stranger when everyone at St. Peter’s was treated to Papa John’s.

People knew he’d had enough when he asked them to join in the responsorial psalm, “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

It was especially troubling when he told people to say two Hail Marys and return with five Bloody Marys.

It only got worse when he went into the confessional and said, “Time to turn wine back into water!”

Ironically, he woke up the next morning with a tattoo of Calvin peeing on Judas.

Even crazier: he rose after four days.

I can’t say what program they’ve got Francis on, but there’s one Apostle per step.

The most humiliating part was paying 300 bucks to get the Popemobile out of a tow yard.

But I guess that explains that new Bible verse: David vs. Saying The Alphabet Backwards.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 4.5.20

How you doing? New York City - I love and miss you so much. Well before any of this. You’re home for me. So glad I got to see some of you a few weeks ago. As always, if you wanna talk, reach out. Let’s do it. (YOU talk about YOUR stuff, though, okay?)

Today, Pope Francis said Mass from an empty St. Peter’s Basilica. And even though it was on the internet, I still pretended to tie my shoe during the second collection.

In the meantime, people keep recommending podcasts to listen to. Which are absolutely perfect for when the gym’s closed and we can’t drive anywhere.

Because barbershops are closed, I might have to start giving myself haircuts. Or as friends put it, “What do you mean start? (You actually ask for the ‘Bert from Sesame Street’?)”

Today, President Trump held another press briefing – for people “who need to laugh.” (Don’t worry – as soon as he takes the stage, everyone is entitled to a refund or tickets to another press briefing.)

Trump made light of experts’ suggestion to wear masks, and said he doesn’t plan to wear anything on his head. And right at that moment, his hair chased after an ambulance.

Yesterday, Trump held a conference call with the heads of every major professional sports league. It got off to a rough start when he said, “You go first, Mr. Met.”

Trump still expects the NFL Season to start on September 10th. While analysts still expect the Browns’ season to end on September 10th.

But Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft is being praised for sending the team’s plane to retrieve medical supplies for New York City. It marks the first time in years New Yorkers saw a Jet deliver. (NOTE: I had to. That’s me taking my temperature.)

The NBA is working on a televised, virtual H-O-R-S-E competition where current players compete with legends. So you could see Steph Curry play from his home basketball court, while Charles Barkley plays from his home food court.

Actually, experts are urging people to be cautious at grocery and convenience stores. They said to be on the lookout for discoloration and profuse sweating – then 7-Eleven said, “So, our hot dogs?” 

But Joe Biden said he intends to keep campaigning, and will wear a mask. While his aides said, “It doesn’t have to be of Spider-Man.” (“Okay fine – get me Mr. Met!”)

And a tiger at the Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID-19. But don’t worry - the tiger plans to self-quarantine, and use its time off to go on Netflix and watch “Person King.”

American Airlines is facing criticism for cramming a flight’s only 11 passengers into the last three rows. Then Southwest said, “Psh – let us know when you jam ‘em into three seats.”

And as alluded to, Louis CK released a new comedy special for people “who need to laugh.” Even Caroline Kennedy said, “Think I’ll give that new Bob Dylan song a whirl…”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

WILBURY MOST TRAVELED

Bob Dylan felt proud. In a time of unprecedented fear and widespread panic, he had given America – no, the world – exactly what it needed: a 17-minute song about President Kennedy being shot in the head. “This will be mind-blowing,” thought Bob Dylan, completely missing his own bad joke. After grabbing a handful of jellybeans from his fish bowl, Bob Dylan checked his shadow in the mirror frame and turned towards his hat lodge. The phone rang.

            “Hi Bob!” said Bob Dylan’s manager. “The song’s out and people really seem to be aware of it!”

            “The one by me about JFKaaaaaaaayyyyy?”

            “No,” replied his manager, “I don’t know Tina Fey. Anyway, I know it wasn’t your first choice, but I think we made the right call naming it ‘Murder Most Foul.’” It wasn’t Bob Dylan’s first choice. But he was the only one in the hat lodge who voted for “I Hate a Parade.”

            “Anyway,” said Bob Dylan’s manager, “I’d love to chat, but I have a rich people panic room a.k.a. spacious yacht to escape to…” 

That took Bob Dylan’s mind back. The concept of moving. Trekking. Traveling. Suddenly, Bob Dylan was transported. Way back to 1988…

George Harrison’s wife said, “Honey, you have a phone call.”

            “Is it on the regular line, or the number we give just to Ringo?”

            “The regular one.”

            “You’re sure it’s not Ringo?”

            “Positive.”

            With that, George took the phone and said, “Paul??”

            “What? No,” said the voice on the other end. “It’s Jeff Lynne. From Electric Light Orchestra.”

            George thought a minute. “‘Saturday in the Park’?”

            “No, that’s Chicago.”

            George thought again. “‘The Boys are Back in Town’?”

            “No, that’s Thin Lizzie.”

            George just shrugged. “Well, what can I do for you, Jed?”

            “Jeff. I’m thinking of starting a new super-group and I want you to be in it.”

            “A super-group?” said Harrison. “What the devil is that? Do we have to fight crime??”

            “No, not superheroes. A super-group. A group of the world’s most famous musicians!”

            “Oh good,” George said. “Because I’ve never been in one of those.”

            “Sounds like you’re in. I’ll be right over to tell you more!”

            “Actually, I’m pretty busy with—”

            The doorbell rang. It was Jeff Lynne. “I stole this phone from Kenny Loggins.”

            “‘Don’t Bring Me Down’?”

            “No, that’s Electric Light Orchestra.”

            “Electric huh what-now?” Then, George Harrison noticed someone standing behind Jeff Lynne. “Tell you what,” he said. “If you bring that slender lassie along – I’ll be a part of any band you put together. What’s your name, m’lady?”

            The lassie spoke up excitedly: “Tom Petty!”

            The trio made their way to George’s living room and the planning began. “You know what we need?” said George Harrison. “A really deep, operatic voice. Too bad we can’t get Elvis.”

            “Costello?” asked Jeff Lynne. This left George Harrison puzzled.

            “No. Elvis Presley. Why the devil would I ever mean Elvis Costello? That’s like if I said I was watching ‘Pee-wee’s Playhouse’ and you asked ‘Pee Wee Reese’??”

            “How do you know about Pee Wee Reese?” asked Tom Petty, thumbing through George’s photos of Eric Clapton ugly sneezing.

            “I got his baseball card as a gift from Elvis Costello. Anyway, I adored Elvis Presley.”

            “Me too,” said Jeff Lynne.

            “I also love Elvis,” said Tom Petty – quickly adding, “And horses!”

            George Harrison grew serious, then asked what everyone else was secretly wondering. “Do you think there’s any way whatsoever we could somehow get Elvis Presley?”

            Their silence lingered. “Even though we’re superheroes now,” thought George, “we can’t change the past.” Indeed. Ever since he spilled Tab on a transformer and caused the 1977 New York City Blackout, Elvis was in hiding. But there was one man who was still available. And soon, he was standing in George Harrison’s living room.

            “Hey mate, what’s that, um…” said George Harrison, gesturing to Roy Orbison’s bag.

            “Is it a knapsack?” asked Jeff Lynne.

            “A satchel?” asked Tom Petty.

            “Wait,” said George Harrison, “Don’t tell me you’re carrying a–” 

            “Pursy!!” said Roy Orbison, unzipping it to show off 87 pairs of sunglasses.

            “Eh, can’t blame you. Look outside – here comes the” Crap! I’ll sound so lame! “…daylight! Anyhow, now that we have our fourth, it’s time to go for a fifth. How about Van Morrison?”

            “Nah, he would fit in perfectly,” said Jeff Lynne. “What about that chap Jackson Browne?”

            “Nah,” said George. “He sounds like a…super-specific…colorful shade. Like, ‘What color are those boat shoes?’ ‘Jackson Browne.’ ‘Ah. Do they come in Vida Blue?’”

            “Wait,” said Tom Petty. “How do you know Vida Blue?”

            “I re-gifted him my Pee Wee Reese card,” said George, growing impatient. “How about Bono?”

            Then everyone just watched, as Roy Orbison clutched at his sunglasses and purred nervously. “Sounds like someone’s purrvous,” said George Harrison – chuckling casually, then stopping to jot it down for his next Monty Python tryout.

            “I’ve got it!” said Jeff Lynne. “Bruce Springsteen.” They nodded in agreement for many hours. After a call to Bruce Springsteen’s wife…

            “It’s Jeff Lynne, from Electric Light Orchestra!”

            “‘Ride Like the Wind?’”

            “No, that’s Christopher Cross…”

            “‘Sailing’?”

            “Also Christopher Cross…”

…they were told Bruce had just left to go do a concert, but they were welcome to come over when it ended next month. It was a grueling wait – but they made use of it.

            “Guys?” asked Tom Petty, “What if something happens to us? What if we spill a Tab on a New York City transformer?”

             He had a point. “Perhaps,” said George, “it would be wise for us to come up with a fake last name. Something absolutely nobody would expect…” After a burp Roy Orbison tried to disguise as a purr, George said, “Wilbury.” Orbison burped again. “It’s decided, then,” said George. “No more Tab for Roy, and we’re changing our last name to Wilbury!” And after nodding their heads in agreement for many more hours, they finally saw Bruce Springsteen hop off of Clarence Clemons’ handlebars and run into his house – yelling “I WAS BORN TO DO THIS!”

            “Honey,” said Bruce Springsteen’s wife from “Sisters,” not Patti Scialfa, “phone call.”

            “IS IT THE REGULAR ONE, OR THE NUMBER I JUST GIVE MAX WEINBERG??”

            “The non-Max one.”

            “ALL RIGHT!! ALL RIGHT!!” He took the phone. “SPILL YOUR SAUCE TO THE BOSS!!”

            “Hi Bruce, this is Jeff Lynne from Electric Light Orchestra.”

            “‘CHEESEBURGER IN PARADISE’??”

            “My lads and I are forming a super-group, and we’d like you to join.”

            “I’M IN!” said Bruce Springsteen. “IF I STOP PERFORMING FOR MORE THAN THIRTY MINUTES, I TURN BACK INTO A TOAD!!”

            And with that, the Wilburys did what Wilburys do best: they traveled.

            “Did I leave my bedroom window open?” thought Harrison. Then, “Eh, I’m sure it’s fine.”

            Down the cul-de-sac they marched. They nodded at the Everly Brothers. They winked at the Pointer Sisters. They waved at Stevie Wonder – who hoped they hadn’t noticed him wave back. And, in an odd twist of fate, Chuck Berry watched them in secret while he went to the bathroom. But it was at the corner where Tom Petty lost his cool and blurted out, “What’s up Elvis??”

            Everyone stopped. Petty looked at the ground in shame. The others, at Petty in disbelief. And Elvis Presley slowly turned around from casually watering his plants – sheer fright in his panicked eyes.

            “I’m sorry,” said Tom Petty. “I mean…hi…Oprah.” Elvis/Oprah nodded, and they continued on.

            Bruce Springsteen waited eagerly at the window until he could see them approaching. “THERE THEY ARE!!” he shouted to his “Sisters” wife. “ALL OF ‘EM! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!!!” But sadly, they would never make it to Bruce Springsteen’s house…

Bob Dylan had just finished scooping up yet another dead bass from his popcorn machine. “It’s like they don’t even WANT to try a jellybeeeeeeean!” he said to his jellybeans. Solemnly, he made his way to dispose of the bass, only he was too late; the mailman had already come.“Oh well,” he said. “All there is to do now is strap it to some wood and make it sing some Al Greeeeeeeeeeen!” Then, something caught his eye. Four things. “People,” he said. “A sidewalk’s worst enemy…”

            As they grew closer, Tom Petty spoke up. “Hey, what’s that scarecrow doing by the mailbox?”

            Jeff Lynne squinted. “You mean that tattered mannequin holding a fish?”

            George Harrison narrowed his eyes. “You’re both right; it’s Bob Dylan.” And then, walking in this order – as that’s now how George insisted on crossing streets in fours – George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Tom Petty, and Roy Orbison said:

            “Damn it!”

            “Bloody hell!”

            “Crap!”

            “Cursie!”

            They were now face to face with Bob Dylan. “Wowwwwwieeeeeeee!” he said. “George Harrison! Roy Orbison! Tom Pettyyyyyy, and…help me out, man…”

            “Jeff Lynne, from Electric Light Orchestra.”

            “I love you guys!,” said Bob Dylan, pausing to speak Human. “‘Evil Woman’! ‘Livin’ Thing’! ‘Mr. Blue Sky!’” 

            Lynne paused. “I think we sing those?”

  “So,” asked Bob Dylan,“what are you four doin’ on this fine dayyyyyyyy??”

            “We’re starting a super group!” said Tom Petty, immediately hating himself again. “Of all days to wear a ‘Smart Blonde’ t-shirt,” he mused.

             “Yyyyyeah,” said George. We’re actually just on our way over to—”

            “Jumpin’ jellybeans, I’ll do it!” said Bob Dylan. And that’s how the Traveling Wilburys formed.

            They went on to record a string of hits, best described as a mix of rock, country, and four guys singing karaoke with Roy Orbison. But it was after his final recording session when Orbison packed his bags. “Heyyyyyy, Mr. Sunglassyyyyy? Where you going?” asked Bob Dylan.

            Orbison paused, then dramatically bellowed, 🎵“I’m ‘DYYYyyyYYYyyyING’…to a-VOID you!”🎵 Removing his sunglasses once and for all, Orbison said, “Make all royalties out to my new name – John Stamos.” Then, John Elvis Stamos, née Roy Costello Orbison, put his hand on Dylan’s shoulder, winked and said: “From now on? It’s have mercy.” Then added, “Off to stalk Dennis Wilson! – I mean, ‘Alf’!”

Keep Yourselves Up (& Healthy),

Jon

P.S.

UPDATED BAND STANDINGS

Friday Feelings 4.3.20

I Have Opinions…

Facebook Memories say a year ago this week, President Trump said: “I support the Great Lakes. Always have. They’re beautiful. They’re big. Very deep. Record deepness, right?” Anyway, that’s our leader during a deadly pandemic – the “deepness of lakes” guy.

Trump supporters are still wearing “Make America Great Again” hats. Everyone else is still mad at “Make America Great Again” hats. But if you like Trump, wouldn’t you reject the idea of Making America Great Again? You'd think it is. And if you don’t like Trump, wouldn’t you want to Make America Great Again? Everyone’s wearing the wrong hat! – and we realize this just as it’s unhealthy to make a hat swap. 🎵(Talkin’ ‘bout a “Hat Swap”)🎵

To those with school-aged children, hats way off. But let me say that if my lovely daughter were ten years older (and my lovely arthritic, autoimmune disease 22 years younger), my 11-week unit on Watergate would be in the very fullest of swings. “This,” I'd say, “is what fun is all about.” Relax, we’d take breaks. Instead of recess? Guidance on her 10-page paper about the Max Headroom Signal Intrusion Incident. "Who do we think it was? Who do we know it wasn't? Michael Jordan was King in Chicago back then – he could've gotten away with murder. And we THOUGHT Siskel & Ebert hated each other, but what if they decided to make a movie of their own? What was Oprah up to that night? I’ll throw THIS into the air for contemplation: was Mark Felt working double duty? Speaking of which… *checks watch*… G. Gordon Liddy isn't JUST an infomercial pitchman on Fox News..."

Speaking of G-Liddy, interesting to see Kim Kardashian’s documentary on prison reform. I wonder if there’s any notable felony, punishable by two to five years in prison, which piqued her interest…

By the way: if you ever write about things that happened in your life, it’s crazy how many eerie patterns and coincidences you'll discover. Stephen King, 11/22/63 shit. Life really does read like it's scripted. What I'm saying is, if I work in TV again and win an Emmy, I'm gonna be giving a really weird acceptance speech (where I also say we shouldn't eat pigs). #TurkeyBacon

“Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.” “You Don’t Mess Around With Jim.” I bet after he killed off Jim Croce, God was like, “I’m gonna get my ass kicked, aren’t I?”

The NBA’s idea to play a stripped-down playoff tournament in Las Vegas sans fans is absurd, embarrassing, and makes you wonder, “Where’d all that money go? ”You know, from the huge TV contract that ruined the league for four years? I said a week ago how I’d fix it (Here’s an additional idea: have teams 8-11 in each Conference battle for the final seed while retaining their weighted Draft Lottery slots). But now, based on the fact that players won’t be getting paid and the league is talking about hosting games in ballrooms, you wonder if all 30 teams will even stay in business. I love Charles Barkley, and his stance that there are too many bad teams is dead on. The idea of contraction, however, is not. When you add up coaches, scouts, trainers, video coordinators, training staffs, broadcasters, beat reporters, arena workers and nearby bars and restaurants, that’s thousands of people out of work. That’s not good business. That, my friends, is turrible.

Speaking of which – I guess this is WrestleMania week? (Do you think they’re calling it COVID-19, COVID XIX, OR COVID-X9?) I liked the rumor of moving it to June at Madison Square Garden – creating a watershed event that would lift New York City and fans around the globe. But I guess we’re in for pre-taped matches without fans. It’s a shame when you look at the card (Drew McIntyre vs. Brock Lesnar, John Cena vs. The Fiend, The Undertaker vs. AJ Styles, Roman Reigns vs. Goldberg). Those deserved to play out in front of thousands. Regardless, my Five Favorite WrestleMania Moments:

5. Hulk Slams Andre, WrestleMania III

The very first footage of wrestling I ever viewed, and the most iconic clip in WWE history. And it has special personal significance, as Dad flew Andre multiple times during the 80s and called him the nicest celebrity he encountered on the job. Andre would bellow, “How we lookin’ tonight, Boss?” into the cockpit, and drinks for passengers were on him. The crews loved him. Hulk Hogan, meanwhile, was notorious for another incident: one of the flight attendants finding the script for his match with Andre beneath his seat while cleaning the plane. I just picture Hulk getting to the Silverdome and saying, “Ohhh brother, brother!” 

4. The Dead Man Returns, WrestleMania XX

This was the return of all returns. Someone in his element– in his iconic iteration. I can’t believe we went four years with The Undertaker rebranded as “The American Badass.” And I don’t especially love the fact that he is again The American Badass, especially after Kid Rock’s Virus Rave. Though I have to admit, I actually said out loud, “Why are they having him go back to that instead of the Undertak—never mind.”

 3. Two Doinks, WrestleMania IX

The single-greatest swerve in wrestling history. Save your Hulk Hogan nWo turn – nobody saw this coming. The match itself is great storytelling, with Matt Bourne repeatedly going under the ring – ostensibly to retrieve a weapon when, in fact, he was reaching for ANOTHER CLOWN. Long before doppelgangers were “in,” Vince and Bruce surprised us all. Two mysterious, identical-looking characters in the 90s. My – what a premise…

2. Macho Man & Miss Elizabeth Reunite, WrestleMania VII

 …Yeah. Just gonna let that one sit for now…

1. The Warrior Returns

Little Rineman was not a fan of Papa Shango. So not a fan, he had to go to a psychologist to talk about his insomnia. At the same time, he and his friends had spent months wondering what happened to The Ultimate Warrior. There were the rumors he’d died. That he’d gone to Japan. One kid at school even said he’d become a chiropractor (which he described as “someone who does your taxes for you”). So when Shango did his (botched) run-in on the Hulkster, Little Rineman’s parents were regretted their decision to shell out $29.99 for the show. But when that familiar rock music started up, everything changed. I’ll never forget the iconic shot of the Warrior rounding the curve in the entrance aisle. Not only was this my favorite Mania Memory; as the Boston sports teams of the 90s stink, stank, stunk, this may be my favorite childhood sports memory, period. And one of my best memories as an adult was getting to share this with the Warrior’s wonderful family.

BTW: Keep an eye on AEW. Good swerves and storytelling. Just one scroll-stopper away…

If you feel down, don’t compound it by being ashamed of it. To all of us, by the minute, it feels like everything is getting worse. But something I’ve found is that feeling down can lead to good writing. Because your energy is low, your inhibitions are minimized. You’re honest, and it all comes pouring out. If you can, get to work on something. #WriteOn 

Keep Yourselves Up! Dig it??

Jon