The Tryout

It’s now clear that just two things can save us from COVID-19: President Trump and Korean baseball. But that’s not all they have in common. Back in 2015 – when this was all still funny, as we thought Hillary knew about swing states and people would clap for Jeb unprompted – Britain’s Daily Mail reported that our current Commander in Chief was a star ballplayer. So good, in fact, he was supposedly scouted by…the Boston Red Sox. So strap on your Rod Serling/Jordan Peele/[Current Press Secretary] swirly glasses as we travel to another dimension, where an 18-year-old with flowing red hair and unwavering confidence takes the field in the summer of ‘64…

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BOSTON– Tom Yawkey looked on from afar. Always interested in signing talent – rarely doingit, but often interested– the man who allegedly shouted Jackie Robinson off the field was present for another tryout. But there was no shortage of swagger at Fenway Park this day, as hot shot, “my parents can’t stand-me”/military school prospect Donald J. Trump walked up the steps of the Red Sox dugout. “I’m still hoping to sign with San Francisco,” he remarked. “After all, the J in my name stands for ‘Giant.’ But my dad says he might pull a few strings and make me a Dodger.” Then, “Wow! Look at all the scouts here to see me. There must be 200, 300, 800 scouts!” – eliciting a shrug from both of them.

As Trump surveyed the cozy confines of Fenway, I asked how familiar he was with the park, and the tragedy with which its opening coincided. When told that it was the sinking of the Titanic (and not “the dinosaurs go bye-bye,”) he remarked, “Ah yes. But if you ask me, that iceberg was treated very unfairly. There were some fine people on that boat, but there was also some veryfine ice on that berg!”

            Trump then mentioned that he was staying at the nearby Hotel Buckminster, as the hotel owned by his father was, quote, “a raging bedbug orgy.” When asked if he knew of its significance in Shoeless Joe Jackson’s “Black Sox” scandal, Trump said, “Of course. He refused to wear his shoes, which made his socks turn black. That’s why you always sleep in your shoes, folks. I even made up a rhyme: ‘shoes in bed, while you rest your face.’” Another scribe brought forth the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry, and the debate about whether Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio is the game’s greatest hitter. But young Mr. Trump wasn’t taking the bait. “That’s a tough call – like trying to pick a side in the Cold War.”

            Trump remained upbeat, boasting of past achievements at the amateur level. “Our first game, I went 4 for 5,” he said. “Then our next game, 5 for 5. And – you won’t believe this – the game after that, I managed to go 8 for 5. It had never been done – not even by Footless Jim Johnson.” This clearly raised the bar for Trump’s workout. Asked whether he possesses all five tools, he said, “No – but I plan to have three with my first wife.”

After snorting the first baseline, Trump was ready to show his stuff. First up was batting practice – but just preparing proved a chore. “I know I’m a lefty,”he was heard whispering, struggling to pick a box. “But they’ll only take me seriously as a righty…”Following several misses and weak grounders back to the mound, Trump summoned a caddy, who proceeded to place a baseball on a tee. “Ah, that’s more like it!” said Trump, before hitting one ball to the outfield…then refusing to pay the caddy.

Perhaps, it was suggested, Trump would make a better sacrifice hitter, laying down a tight squeeze. “I laid down two verytight squeezes on the flight up,” he replied, “but don’t worry – I paid the stewardess 130 grand to keep it quiet.”

From there, it was on to base running, at which Trump rounded the bases in an impressive 12 seconds. When asked to do so without riding in a limo, Trump declined, citing “cleat spurs.” 

“All field/no hit” appeared to be the best-case scenario as Trump switched to defense. “You expect me to wear this giant first baseman’s mitt at second base??” he asked, before a coach replied that it was actually a child’s glove that fell out of the stands. The coach then proceeded to hit 20 fungos – followed by 19 “I wasn’t readies” and one ball that was blocked by Trump’s five-foot-long necktie. 

“It’s okay,” Trump assured us, “I’m better suited as a cutoff man.” When asked if anything had gone over his head, Trump said, “Yes – the plot to ‘Mary Poppins.’ One minute, it’s fun, then they jump back out of that drawing and it’s a big-boy movie! Am I gonna see dancing cartoon penguins or what??”

Given his girth and the protective cup that saved him from that stewardess, it was suggested Trump should give catching a shot. “Fine. But I’m not wearing a mask. Did General Lee wear a mask?” he mused about a man who at no point played baseball. “No. So I’m not wearing a mask. It’s a no. Record no-ness from me, that I can tell you. Gimme the mask just in case. You’re Fake Ball!”

The coaches then directed Trump to left field, where, curiously, he proceeded to let fly ball after fly ball bounce directly off his head without the slightest reaction. As we finally approached, it became apparent that Mr. Trump wasn’t even facing home plate – but instead, the oversized, green barrier before him. “OH. MY. GOD,” he said like Janice from that future show. “Look at that beautiful WALLLL.”

Nothing would deter him – this was now the only topic of conversation. “I have never seen such a big, beautiful wall,” he marveled. “If only there was a way I could share my need for this wall with the masses…using approximately 275 characters, then five stray dots…before finally finishing my thought 11 minutes later on the toilet…”

He was smitten. “Would you look at it?” he exclaimed, now physically hugging the monstrosity. “When you sign me, that wall’s gonna get ten feet higher! And when I can’t get the Mexican League to pay for it, the Washington Senators will!”

As his tryout ended, Trump appeared pleased by his performance – but was already looking ahead to his post-playing days. (“I heard when you’re a third base coach, you get to wave some Latinos home.”) And finally, he met with Mr. Yawkey. When asked if Trump would be suiting up at Fenway, Yawkey – owner of the last baseball team to integrate by a decade– said, “Sorry – he’s far too racist.”