The Northeast was hit with heavy rainstorms this afternoon. And even though I can’t go outside, I still lost my umbrella in a cab.
People are starting to crack, and kids are chanting, “No more homework! No more homework!” Then they heard baseball is coming back and chanted, “We want homework! We want homework!”
Baseball owners approved a plan where the first game would be played as early as July 4th. While the game would end as early as August 4th.
The Red Sox’ owners called the plan a “good first start,” the Yankees’ owners called it “reason for optimism,” and the Orioles’ owner is a Roomba trapped in a corner.
There are several rule changes, including expanding the Playoffs to 14, always using a designated hitter, and 50 players per team. So if you want to watch baseball – you can probably go play it, too.
They’re doing everything to try and change the game’s image. Today, a guy in Iowa heard his cornfield whisper, “If you build it – make a TikTok.”
But the season would start on the 4th of July – which may present a conflict with that other competition: The Nathan’s Banana Bread Eating Contest.
The outbreak at the White House is apparently severe, and everyone who works there has to wear masks. When asked why President Trump isn’t, staffers said, “Again – everyone who works here.”
Staffers at the White House have to wear face masks and wash their hands regularly. Or as they were told, “Just pretend Steve Bannon’s still around.”
But everyone’s worried – Lincoln’s ghost said he’d be more comfortable Zoom-haunting.
An Asian reporter asked Trump why he calls virus testing a “global” competition, and he responded, “Ask China.” When asked why they don’t remove Trump from office, Republicans said, “Ask Russia.”
Anti-lockdown protesters stormed a Subway sandwich shop in North Carolina with guns and a rocket launcher. But they retreated when the kid behind the counter busted out the tuna scoop.
Meanwhile, Shanghai Disneyland reopened. Visitors are required to wear masks, while one duck said, “How about pants?”
People in Florida protested the temporary closure of gyms by doing sit-ups and pushups outside. While comedy writers got a cardio workout racing to write the same joke about it.
And not only were there people doing pushups outside; there were also some old naked guys just walking around making small talk. “Ya excited for baseball?”
Mike Tyson put out a training video and said he’d be open to boxing former rival Evander Holyfield. When asked if he’s in, Holyfield said, “HUH??? (Say it on the other side!)”
Tyson released a dramatic video and declared “I’m back!” Then he saw a Murder Hornet and said, “I’m out!”
Dave Grohl wrote a touching essay for The Atlantic about how much he misses live music, and can’t wait for its return. While Bob Dylan released an 87-minute song about The Donner Party. “This is what people neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!”
And lastly, a teenager in Canada had his license revoked after he was caught driving 191 miles per hour. Or as he put it, “Well – we tried to save ‘em, Doc!”
Keep Yourselves Up, and Serenity Always,
Jon