Well the good news is, a UFC fight took place in front of spectators. The bad news: it happened at Red Lobster.
This is pretty big: researchers say a feature on your FitBit can detect COVID-19. At least it could’ve, if you hadn’t traded it for a square of toilet paper.
Yesterday, Los Angeles extended its stay-at-home order to July. COVID-19’s a little different in LA; if you test negative, the doctor sends a note saying he’d still like to collaborate on future viruses.
People in apartments are snapping at their neighbors for having loud sex. They’re like, “Would you please stop?? I’m trying to homeschool the result of me having loud sex!”
Realtors in Manhattan are preparing for a permanent exodus due to COVID-19. In fact new projections show that Rachel and Monica actually could afford that apartment.
With the U.S. suffering a beef shortage, more meat from Mexico could make its way to dinner tables. But it gets weird when you bite into a burger and go, “El Chapo?”
A restaurant in Washington D.C. filled half its tables with mannequins to stay “full” during social distancing. It gets even weirder when you break up with someone and notice the mannequins leaning in to eavesdrop.
Yep, a D.C. establishment that’s half dummies. Or as that’s also known, “Congress.”
Howard Stern went on a rant where he called on President Trump to resign. Which is ironic because in a tweet this morning, Trump misspelled “Barack Obama” “Baba Booey.” #BooeyGate
Stern wants Trump to resign, while Rush Limbaugh is accusing Democratic Governors of ruining the economy. When asked if radio personalities could sway the election, voters said, “What is radio?” (“It’s like a Podcast, but with ads.” “So…a podcast.” “THIS IS MY HOUSE!” “Okay, Boomer.” “Okay ZOOMER.” “That was pretty good actually.” “Eh, I stole it from Joy Behar.”)
A company is selling a candle that smells like Harry Styles called “Cashmere Vanilla.” Ironically, “Cashmere Vanilla” is also the Secret Service codename for Mike Pence.
Netflix dropped a trailer for its docuseries on Jeffrey Epstein, which tries to shed light on his mysterious life and death. In fact there’s one scene where security cams catch Carole Baskin’s tigers sneaking out of his cell.
It was announced that “Jaws” is returning to the movie theaters this summer. And thanks to beachgoers in Florida, audiences will actually be rooting for the shark.
Theaters say it will give younger viewers a chance to see the film on the big screen. Or, you could just sit really close to your TV.
I guess “Jaws” was updated, because when Quint coughs, the shark spits him out.
UFC was back tonight, and it featured a TKO by Chase Sherman, the “Vanilla Gorilla.” Ironically, “Vanilla Gorilla” is the Secret Service codename for Trump.
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon