Well, the bad news is the Keith Richards of Dad Stores, JC Penney has filed for bankruptcy. But on the bright side, some of its employees have landed on their feet:
If you missed it this weekend – our former president gave a stirring speech that was watched by millions, while our current president made his own JibJab video.
On Saturday, President Obama gave a streaming commencement address where he praised graduates and took numerous swipes at Trump without naming him. Then Trump said, “Joke’s on him - I’ve already got a name. (Two, if you count John Barron!)”
Meanwhile, Trump tweeted a video where his head is edited onto Bill Pullman during his big speech in “Independence Day.” While whoever does the same thing using the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man will immediately receive a Nobel Prize.
Trump also bragged about having a hypersonic weapon he described as a “super duper missile.” When told North Korea was developing a “super-DEE-duper missile,” Trump said, “We’re doomed! Everyone into the basement-slash-Eric’s bedroom!”
Today, Trump took part in a round-table with restaurant executives. He had a lot of questions beforehand, like, “Do I bow or curtsey for the Burger King?”
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said that anyone swimming in the city’s waters would be removed. New Yorkers said, “Let’s start with people who aren’t ‘swimming’.” “Hey you in the red track suit! This is the Mayor! Stop hiding your face in the water and come out RIGHT NOW!”
New York continues to warn residents about hallucinations, delirium and lack of oxygen. For example:
Baseball announced its plan to return during quarantine, but one of the conditions is no mascots. They said, “Sorry, but a pandemic is no time for people in masks and gloves.”
MLB’s pandemic outline is actually 67 pages long. To put that in perspective: if you read the whole thing twice, you’ll miss one inning.
There are a number of rules, such as “No spitting,” “no hugging,” and “no high-fives.” Incidentally, those are also the rules for the presidential debates.
There’s another rule where inactive players have to sit in the stands instead of the dugout. That’s gotta be fun when a manager tells a pitcher, “You were awful! Now get up in there and start The Wave!”
That’s right, they’re limiting the number of people in each dugout. And when a team wins, it has to use the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.
ESPN aired the conclusion of “The Last Dance,” and the epilogue says Michael Jordan “retired” and ignores his comeback with the Wizards. Which is like a doc on someone else saying, “Then he fired Meat Loaf and Gary Busey from his game show, and that was that!”
Michael Jordan says he was poisoned before his “Flu Game” after eating a pizza delivered by five men in Utah. And the hallway was extra crowded, thanks to their 37 wives.
I actually feel like it might’ve been an inside job – especially when you see the five guys:
With “The Last Dance” over, ESPN’s next documentary is about Lance Armstrong. They said it follows in their theme of athletes who did amazing things with the ball.
And NASCAR returned. At least it would’ve, if the guy saying “Gentlemen, start your engines” weren’t wearing a facemask. “Did he say ‘Gingerbread Stunts Your Enzymes’?” “Nah – it was ‘Hendersons Hide Your Harries.’”
It’s actually kind of hard picking out NASCAR fans, since after weeks of at-home haircuts, we all have mullets.
Today was the 40th anniversary of the eruption of Mount. St. Helens. Which means tomorrow is the anniversary of President Carter solving it by drinking the lava.
Trump said he’s taking hydroxychloroquine to battle COVID-19. But you could tell he’s confused when he said, “Which kind should I take today: a Fred, or a Wilma?”
Trump told reporters he’s been taking the potentially fatal drug “for a few weeks.” When asked who prescribed it, he said, “My new doctor – Ike Pence.”
I’m torn: do you warn people not to listen to Trump, or wait to see how he tries to spell “hydroxychloroquine”? “Took another shot of Hendersonshideyourharrys! Thank you!”
Hydroxychloroquine is actually designed to treat malaria. When asked if he’s come in contact with malaria, Trump said, “Not since our wedding night.”
Joe Biden gave a campaign speech from his home, but was constantly interrupted by noise from birds. Or as they’re known online, “Bernie Crows.”
Biden was actually interrupted by some Canadian Geese. Then Trump said, “What a coincidence –lately, I’ve been followed by vultures!”
Lindsey Graham took a video at a reopened barbershop, showing off a new haircut. Then he excused himself to look for a beard. (For Halloween!…….He’s going as Harvey Fierstein!)
Strip clubs are opening up, but requiring strippers to wear masks. I’m guessing it’s not quite the same when the emcee says, “Coming to the stage right now –the juicy gyrations of Jason Voorhees!!!”
You think that’s bad – wait til the strippers ask you to make it rain with toilet paper.
Yep, strip clubs have a policy of “clothes off, masks on.” Or as Charles and Camilla call that, “Sex.” #Topical
A priest in Detroit used a squirt gun to spray Holy Water in parishioners. But the real highlight was when he broke out the Wafer Cannon. “Whooooooo wants some JESUS???”
And people noticed that Chuck E. Cheese’s is selling its pizza online under the name “Pasqually’s Pizza.” But the pizza chain assured kids there’s nothing wrong with Chuck E. Cheese; he just used a racial slur on a conference call with investors.
A man created an AC/DC song using artificial intelligence. As opposed to AC/DC, which does it using other AC/DC songs. “Here’s our new one for ya – ‘Dirty Hell Shoots Bells’!”
And lastly, a South Korean soccer team apologized for using sex dolls as stand-ins for fans during a game. Things really went off the rails when the announcer said, “Wow, look at all the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!”
Yep, sports fans you can take home and sleep with. Or as they’re also known, “Kardashians.”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon