Today is National Nurses Day! To nurses like my Aunt Jill – thank you, thank you, thank you!
To pay tribute, I asked my aunt what she wanted for a gift, then a doctor came in to ask the same questions all over again.
But to show you how crazy things have gotten, “Black Mirror” writer Charlie Brooker says he’s stopped writing, because he feels we’re “already in a dystopia.” And that’s just after seeing Nicolas Cage is playing the Tiger King.
As if that’s not enough, NASA says an asteroid came very close to Earth on Monday, but our satellites failed to notice it. To be fair, the asteroid was wearing a face mask.
While President Trump toured a face mask plant in Arizona, the James Bond anthem “Live and Let Die” played in the background. That’s why he introduced himself by saying, “The name’s President. Worst President.”
Yep, the Guns ‘N Roses version of “Live and Let Die” played as he toured the plant. Voters said, “That’s okay – next time it’ll be November Rain.”
Yep, Trump decided not to wear a face mask at a face mask factory. Which is about the same as wearing a D.A.R.E. shirt to Burning Man.
But Trump DID wear goggles:
Well, now we know what would happen if Kurt Rambis had a baby with the Michelin Man.
Looks like Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” got stung by a thousand Murder Hornets.
And Trump says nobody is blaming him for unemployment. He said, “I’m telling you – other than Reince Priebus, John Kelly, Mick Mulvaney, Omarosa, Kirstjen Nielsen, Omarosa a few more times, Steve Bannon, Sebastian Gorka, Michael Flynn, H.R. McMaster, John Bolton, Fiona Hill, Rob Porter, Sean Spicer, The Mooch, Hope Hicks, Hope Hicks again, Stephanie Grisham, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Gary Cohn, Peter Navarro, Omarosa again I think?, Don McGahn, Ty Cobb (the lawyer), Ty Cobb (the baseball player’s ghost), Ronny Jackson, Chris Christie (which counts as two), Jeff Sessions, Mike Pence eventually, James Mattis, Rick Perry, Sally Yates, Andrew McCabe, Rex Tillerson, Nikki Haley, Mike Pompeo, did I say Omarosa?, Linda McMahon, and the first two Fake Melanias – my GIANT hands are clean!”
Today, Kellyanne Conway said President Trump looks at the whole country as a battleground. Which explains why he yelled “Bone spurs!” and took off in a jetpack.
Germany is eyeing an “accelerated” return to normalcy in May. Which is good, because when have things ever gone wrong when Germans organized rapidly?
A Dallas salon owner got seven days in jail for reopening her salon during the pandemic. Which should explain the upcoming gang war between The Perms and The Rachels.
In Chicago, an inmate used a facemask to switch places with another prisoner who was being released. On the bright side, he also founded a successful ad agency and created an iconic commercial for Coke.
I read that casinos owned by Native American tribes are free to reopen. Critics said, “But you’d be spreading disease and famine!” And Native Americans said, “…Sounds awful.”
Officials actually have a good plan for shutting the casinos down: selling them to Trump.
Two industries that are really suffering are automakers and beef suppliers. Then horses said, “You know, pulling a carriage isn’t that bad…”
Airlines are slowly reopening, but many will insist on taking passengers’ temperatures. Then United said, “And that includes all the loose scorpions!”
While some retailers are announcing plans to reopen, TJ Maxx stores remain closed. Which is surprising, because if there’s one thing I thought they’d never do, it’s fold.
I read that motorcycles sales are down due to COVID-19. As a result, men are just sending mass e-mails that say, “I am bald.”
Yeah, nobody’s buying motorcycles. When asked what he’s afraid of, one biker said:
But there is some good news. Experts say the key to a cure for COVID-19 may lie within a llama. Then they said, “Or an emu.”
Belgian scientists actually think they’re on the verge of a cure, and all they have to do is extract the particle from a four-year-old llama. Then beef suppliers said, “About that…”
There was an awkward moment during a Supreme Court conference call when a toilet could be heard flushing. Which explains why the case resulted in four guilties, four innocents, and one “Don’t come in here!!”
Yeah, a toilet flushed. Then one of the Justices said, “Sorry – had to dismiss a juror. Had to lighten my caseload. I was facing double jeopardy. Had to follow doo-doo-process…”
It was announced that Mortal Kombat 11’s “Aftermath” add-on will feature RoboCop. But that was overshadowed when they announced it will also feature Paul Blart.
And lastly, Jim Gaffigan will play my genuine favorite monologue character of all time: the late, great Toronto Mayor Rob Ford…
Gaffigan wasn’t their first choice, but they couldn’t get the Kool-Aid Man.
OH YEAH! KEEP YOURSELVES UP!! 🇨🇦
JON!!