New York City may have businesses stagger their openings so the subway isn’t crowded. In addition, they’re adding a new rule that limits subway dance troupes to just 40 people.
And Massachusetts will allow marijuana dispensaries to open next week, but customers must make curbside pickups. In other words, their new way of dispensing weed is the old way of dispensing weed.
I saw that a company is selling panties that say “Fauci” on the outside. They’re also selling diapers that say “Dr. Oz” on the inside.
And Japan is planning a “surprise fireworks show” to lift people’s spirits during quarantine. Because if history’s taught us anything, it’s that Japan loves surprise explosions.
Yep, a surprise fireworks show in Japan. It’s from the same group who planned the German Army’s “Throwback Uni Parade.”
A tech CEO says France should sell the Mona Lisa to cover its losses during the pandemic, saying it would bring in over 50 million dollars. Plus whatever your plumber charges to get it out of your toilet.
A leaked Pentagon memo says the pandemic could last until next summer. Even crazier: it was leaked by Horace Grant.
People are still talking about the Chicago Bulls documentary “The Last Dance,” but one of the players it ignored was little-used guard Rusty LaRue. Well, Rusty LaRue posted an itinerary with the aliases used by players at hotels. Some made sense, but some were surprising. For instance…
Starting center Luc Longley? He went by…
Then there’s Toni Kukoc. He was listed as…
“Sha right that was a foul, Uncle Frank!”
He’s not the only one using a TV nickname. Steve Kerr was listed as…
Now here’s a guy with a strange name as is: Dickey Simpkins. His alias?
Then there’s the coach, and reclusive Montana native Phil Jackson. He went with…
His play book was 300,000 words long.
The team’s second-best option, Scottie Pippen? He went by…
Of course, Dennis Rodman had craziest alias of all. His was…
Oddly specific.
And finally, Rusty LaRue got to the great Michael Jordan. The name he chose so no one would bother him?
Speaking of Chicago, last night the Willis Tower – formerly the Sears Tower – lost power. It was the worst case of someone from Chicago losing power since the Inauguration.
People noticed the Tower seemed to look like an annoyed human or robot. Check it out:
That looks like Beaker after trying to deep-fry a turkey.
The CBS Evening News also lost power last night, when a glitch accidentally ended its 6:30 broadcast. The network said, “Thank God our viewers go to bed at 6.”
And as if things aren’t bad enough, a dam burst in Michigan today, causing thousands to evacuate. But don’t worry – Trump promised to bring two rolls of paper towels.
Trump was actually scheduled to tour a Ford plant in Michigan. He’ll give a succinct update on the pandemic and its effect on the economy. Just kidding – he’ll spend an hour honking horns, then ask to meet Optimus Prime.
Joe Biden responded to reckless accusations made by Trump’s sons, saying, “I don’t want to get in the mud with these guys.” Then he said, “But Peppa and George? Hell yeah!”
In other Joe news, Joe Rogan signed a $100 million deal with Spotify to air his podcast. At least that’s what the reptilians want you to believe.
Joe Rogan’s getting $100 million. Of course, he insisted on being paid in GNC gift cards.
Former “Real Housewives of New York” star Alex McCord earned her Master’s Degree in psychology. However, she needs a degree in psychiatry to treat fans of “The Real Housewives of New York.”
I saw that Target’s online sales have risen 141 percent during the pandemic. While Walmart will send an old guy to your house to say, “Hi – welcome to bed!”
USA Today published some stretches you can do at home to stay in shape. Though it’s weird that their hamstring stretch is a hotel guest stepping over a USA Today.
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon