Well hello.
It’s now day 40 or 50-whatever of the quarantine. I hadn’t fully realized how long it had been until I heard my daughter listening to “Teenage Shark.”
I haven’t posted for a bit. I was buying wipes – or as Trump calls them, “Fruit Roll-Ups.”
After Trump’s press briefing, Joe Biden sent out a tweet saying, “I can’t believe I have to say this, but don’t drink bleach.” Then Biden said, “Blowing bubbles in it? Hell yeah! Rock’n’roll! But no drinking!”
Elmo went on CNN to get information on COVID-19 from Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Meanwhile, Oscar went on Fox news and made jokes about Lorena Bobbitt with Dennis Miller.
Some parents have given up homeschooling. Experts in Boston say it’s unrealistic; experts in Oregon say it’s overwhelming; and experts in West Virginia think the teacher’s sleeping with the students.
Speaking of families, it’s rumored that Kim Jong Un is near death, and his role will be filled by his “even crazier” sister, Kim Yo Jong. That sounds less like a succession plan, and more like a quick fix when someone quits a Chuck Lorre sitcom.
Yep, Kim Jong Un is apparently a vegetable after surgery. So if you feel a loud rumble, it’s not nukes; just every comedy writer stampeding towards the words “Kim Jong Un” and “vegetable.”
If that’s not scary enough, a giant asteroid is set to pass by Earth on Wednesday. Researchers say it shouldn’t come too close, while the Mayor of Las Vegas cleared the Strip so it can land.
Last week was the NFL Draft, and everyone had to make picks from home due to COVID-19. Or as the NFL calls it, COVID XIX.
The big story was the dog sitting at Bill Belichick’s computer during ESPN’s live coverage:
So if you see a man who looks like Belichick chase after a fire truck, now you know why.
Laugh all you want, but the dog managed to snag two first-rounders from the Browns and suspend all pension benefits for Michael Vick.
Rob Gronkowski came out of retirement to play for Tampa Bay. It should be fun when he gets there and says, “No way! The last quarterback I played with was named Tom Brady!”
One of the sports hit hardest by the pandemic is Major League Baseball, and there’s even some talk about contraction – or, the elimination of teams. But I thought instead of that, they could just merge a few teams and have them meet in the middle. For instance…
The Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox become…the Buffalo Pink Sox.
The Toronto Blue Jays and Tampa Bay Rays become…the Wilmington Ray Js.
The Kansas City Royals and Cincinnati Reds become…The Belleville Prince Harrys.
The Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves become…the Kentucky Something Even More Racist.
The Detroit Tigers and L.A. Angels become…the Colorado Carole Baskin Husbands.
And finally, the Texas Rangers and Houston Astros become…the Austin Powers.
The Rolling Stones’ new quarantine-inspired song, “Living in a Ghost Town” is the number one song on iTunes. That explains their follow up: “What the Hell is iTunes?”
Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney are in a fight about whose band was better. Yep, two guys in their 70s fighting about stuff they did in the 60s – or as that’s known in the U.S., “an election.”
And lastly, Al Jardine says The Beach Boys are going to tour for their 60th Anniversary. Yep – a bunch of guys pushing 80, planning a new tour. Now you know I love The Beach Boys, and I was actually able to get a list of the new songs they’re working on. There’s…
1. Surfer Nurse
2. I Scoot Around
3. Help Me, Sanka
4. Fiber, Fiber, Fiber
5. Sleepin’ Safari
6. Surfin’ CPR
7. Little Deuce Pan
8. (Why Aren’t You Wearing) Pants, Pants, Pants
9. Palpitations
10. I Can’t Hear Music
11. Please Let Me Wander
12. Surf’s Up (For More Than Four Hours, Call Dr. Fauci)
13. In My Tomb
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon