I’m behind on the news, but best I can figure is Jeff Goldblum beat up Scott Burrell?
Well, if there’s one thing we learned in today’s Senate testimony, it’s that COVID-19 hasn’t killed nearly as many people as Tim Kaine.
This is interesting: while Kaine was at the hearing, train robberies dropped 90%.
That’s what Senator and former Vice Presidential nominee Tim Kaine wore over his face at today’s Congressional hearing. When asked how long he’s been wearing it, he said, “Since November 9th, 2016.”
When people first saw Kaine, they were like, “Who the hell is that??” Then he removed the bandana and they said, “Still – who the hell is that??”
I know we’re all laughing at Kaine – but did you see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?
Today, Dr. Anthony Fauci testified before Congress via video conference. Here he is:
Some were listening, while most waited for a toddler and a baby to burst through a door in the background.
Dr. Fauci warned against reopening too early, saying it could lead to deadly outbreaks – while President Trump is still pushing for businesses to resume operations. But who do you believe – a world-renowned disease expert, or a guy who looks like every panel of a “Signs of Gout” poster rolled into one?
Fauci was met with some resistance, including Senator Rand Paul saying Fauci is not the “end-all, be-all” in deciding to reopen. In case you’re not familiar, here’s Rand Paul:
First he tries to stop Ray from turning his cornfield into a baseball diamond, now this?
Fauci also said people will still be homeschooling their children in the fall. Kids aren’t sure what’s worse – listening to Mom all day, or Dad seeing if his cheerleading outfit still fits.
Yep, parents will still be the teachers. While the principal will for some reason be Screech.
After his press secretary tested positive for COVID-19, Vice President Mike Pence will begin to distance himself from President Trump. Then Pence said, “Yes – ‘begin.’”
But Trump was busy pushing a conspiracy theory that Joe Scarborough was responsible for the death of a Congressional intern. Trump must’ve been channel-surfing this morning, because he also said, “And where was Big Bird when Mr. Hooper ‘died’?? #BirdGate”
It was announced that Broadway shows will be closed through Labor Day. But it evens out when you realize the only way to greet people now is “jazz hands.”
But the good news is that “Hamilton” is coming to Disney+ on July 3rd. The bad news is that even in my living room, the best ticket I got was standing directly behind a lamp.
And singer Bryan Adams went on a rant about his tour’s cancelation, blaming COVID-19 on “Bat Eating Bastards.” Which is ironic, since the last concert I saw was Bat Eating Bastards opening for The Murder Hornets. (Their jam version of “Zoom Bomb”? *Chef’s kiss*)
And “CBS This Morning” host Tony Dokoupi looked like he fell asleep on the air today. TAKE A LOOK.
It’s the worst time that’s happened since Al Roker said, “Now a look at what’s happening in your neck of the class I forgot to go to all semester and now it’s the final exam in my underpants!”
Meanwhile, “Fox & Friends” asked if he was on any medication so they could give it to Brian Kilmeade.
But Dokoupil denied he was sleeping, and says he was looking down at the iPad in his lap. When asked what was playing on the iPad, he said, “Relaxing Sounds of the Ocean.”
And today on “The View,” Meghan McCain revealed that the quarantine has caused her roots to start turning gray. While somewhere, her father said, “Wow – sounds horrible. Gray roots? How do you stay sane??”
Netflix is developing a documentary about the 1999 World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s Soccer Team. Mainly to show us how to achieve greatness without using your hands.
SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt says he’s nervous ESPN is running out of things to talk about. He said, “We’re just up there adlibbing, riffing, making meandering conversation that has nothing to do with sports – then, the pandemic started.”
I read that a Knicks City Dancer is working as a nurse at a New York City hospital during the pandemic. When asked how it compares to her other gig, she said, “Not as sad.”
Beachgoers in Florida left 12 thousand pounds of trash on the beach last weekend. Which explains that new song: 🎵“Coma Shark, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo…”🎵
12 thousand pounds of trash on the beach. Or as that’s also known, “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Robert Pattinson photographed himself for the June/July cover of GQ. Sure, when he does it, it’s “cool,” but when I do it, it’s “Needs more quarters.”
I saw that today, Kate Gosselin’s sextuplets turned 16. And you can tell they’re 16, because they’ve never heard of Kate Gosselin.
In light of COVID-19, Twitter says its employees are welcome to stay home forever. Then Quibi said, “Uh yeah – ours too.”
And lastly, an MTA vehicle slammed into a parked Pepsi truck near Times Square. Marking the first time it was ever acceptable to say, “Is Pepsi okay??”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon