The Daily Dozen 5.9.20

Say what you will, but that July 4th Hailstorm is gonna be SIIIIIIIIIIICK! 🎆🇺🇸

That’s right, today was May 9th – and it snowed. But, it let me play a cool new game: “Guy making snow angel, or guy killed by Murder Hornets?”

You know quarantine’s lasted a while when even Mother Nature’s like, “What day is this??”

Speaking of mothers, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Which will make it awkward when I tell Mom my flowers must’ve gotten lost in the walk from upstairs to the kitchen.

President Trump reflected on his mother recently, and said in her eyes, he could do no wrong. While no one had the heart to tell him that was actually Sean Hannity pulling a Mrs. Doubtfire. “Hello!!!”

Ivanka Trump’s personal assistant tested positive for COVID-19. Ivanka and Jared were immediately tested for the virus, while the virus was tested for Don Jr. And Eric.

Press secretary – and wife of Trump aide Stephen Miller, Katie Waldman – tested positive for COVID-19. And fleas. And ticks. And mites. And loss of reflection…

If you’re not familiar, this is Stephen Miller:

Miller says he has no idea how his wife got sick, then got back to eating his bowl of bats.

But speaking of animals… 

The good news is, a llama may be the key to a vaccine. The bad news? This is the llama:

During a leaked phone call with former staffers, President Obama referred to Trump’s handling of the pandemic as an “absolute chaotic disaster.” He then turned the conversation back to electing Joe Biden – or, “Operation: Better Chaotic Disaster.”

There were a number of glitches during a Joe Biden Zoom rally. The worst part was when Biden ended up in the middle square with the graphic, “Vice-President Biden as Alice.”

There’s talk the election might need to be conducted by mail. Because when I look at how smoothly our elections have gone, I think, “Let’s add the Postal Service to the equation!”

It could be tricky, so if you have questions on how to mail in an election, just ask Hillary.

But I’m okay with it. When I asked my mailman if we had anything to worry about, he said…

UFC returned this weekend in an empty arena. Which made it awkward when the ref could be heard saying, “And as always – no tickling!”

Yep, UFC returned. And the first fight was a rematch between that Praying Mantis and Murder Hornet.

A new video shows a Praying Mantis eating a Murder Hornet. Wildlife activists called the footage reprehensible, while officials in Georgia said, “Eh, let’s give it a few months and see if it goes viral…”

Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo had his Twitter account hacked on Thursday. As a result, he’s chosen a more secure password: “Giannis Antetokounmpo.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said games would have to be held in empty arenas until a vaccine is approved. When asked how he’d approach games without fans, Silver said, “See how the Patriots handle it.”

The NFL announced its schedule on Thursday. The first game will kick off on September 10…and end in a 0-0 tie when nobody wants to pick up the ball.

Some sad news. Roy Horn of the legendary live tiger act Siegfried and Roy passed away at 75. Or as God put it, “Shit – I was aiming for Joe Exotic.”

Roy Horn – who spent his entire life performing with tigers – died of COVID-19. And after, the tigers got a call from some Australian crocodiles saying, “We know just how you feel.”

And lastly, the legendary Little Richard passed away at 87. Morning shows ran tributes, while “Fox & Friends” put up a graphic of Tupac. “I’m told it’s actually ‘Lil Richard’!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon