HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Photo Circa 2013
Even though we’re under quarantine, I still managed to pick some flowers for my Mom. While the Murder Hornets managed to take my wallet, my keys and my car.
Yep, a day to celebrate a parent while remaining distant – also known as “Father’s Day.” #WordEconomization #ShoutoutToRandyPrice
And now Father’s Day is around the corner. Or as Dads put it, “Can you flush a necktie?”
President Obama tweeted that even if you can’t hug the mom in your life, you should give her an extra thank you. Then Trump said, “Someone tell Maraca ‘Extra thank you’. (Fake Maraca, too.)”
Washington D.C.’s quarantine has led to a number of wildlife sightings, including foxes, coyotes and muskrats. When asked if they’ve seen any bears, officials said, “Not yet, Senator Graham.”
But officials in D.C. have seen a number of rare birds, including red-tailed hawks and wild turkeys. While staffers in the Oval Office said they spotted a lame duck.
And after everyone went out and got masks, scientists are saying the virus can actually enter through your eyes. Man, who would have been crazy enough to oh you gotta be f#&@in’…
“And joke’s on you, because I was already holding my breath since I ate a burrito two weeks ago!”
Joe Biden’s campaign is apparently building a team of Republicans to go against Trump. But they’re being careful to keep it a secret – which is why they haven’t told Joe Biden.
But you’ll know Biden’s onto the “covert team” when he pulls up in a van with a Mohawk. “Time to pity some fools! Yes, my necklace IS made of Froot Loops!”
Frontier Airlines announced it will take its passengers’ temperatures before allowing them to board. Which gets even worse, when you see you’re in Boarding Group Butt.
UFC returned to action last night – and actually banned fighters from complaining about working conditions during the pandemic. Which explains the ref for each match: Ellen.
Boston Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck donated one million dollars towards a COVID-19 vaccine development. While out in Los Angeles, the Buss Brothers went to Panera just to sneeze in the soup.
An agent says NBA star Zion Williamson received money to attend Duke. Even crazier: “Zion Williamson” is just Lori Loughlin’s daughters standing on each other’s shoulders.
Williamson allegedly received gifts and other services, which could lead to an investigation of Coach Mike Krzyzewski. And when I said “Krzyzewski!” someone yelled at me for not wearing a face mask.
ESPN accidentally displayed the phone number of Cincinnati Reds pitcher Trevor Bauer. They were like, “Phew – thank God kids don’t know any baseball players.”
Tom Brady posted a Mother’s Day message to his mom Galynn and wife Gisele Bündchen. While Rob Gronkowski posted message to his mom, Peggy Bundy and Mommy Shark.
And lastly, a rare demo recorded by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in the 90s is up for auction. Which is cool, until it starts, “A-one, two, three, FO-WAH!! 🎵You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals…🎵”
Keep Yourselves Up, Fools,
Jon