Well it’s official: we finally have our Worst “Friends” B-Roll of All-Time:
Today is May the 4th, or “Star Wars Day.” It’s weird during quarantine, because right when you’re gonna say “Nice Chewbaccca costume!” you realize you’re looking in the mirror.
It’s affecting everyone, because today Darth Vader said, “Luke – I am your teacher.”
Actually, this week is National Teacher Appreciation Week. And so’s next week. And the week after that. And the week after that. And the week after that…
Speaking of children, President Trump said he is being treated worse than President Lincoln. People were like, “Lincoln suffered irreparable brain damage that robbed him of his senses and left him unable to communicate—actually, when was Trump’s last physical?”
Don’t worry. The only time Trump’s ever been to the theater was to see “Police Academy 4.” “Movies are like wives; I ignore the first three.”
Trump says the press has treated him worse than Lincoln during the Civil War. He kinda has a point; how come Lincoln never gets any crap for that time he tossed a bunch of paper towels at the Battle of Gettysburg? “The Confederacy is a hoax! Sad!”
Speaking of Lincolns, CBS passed on David E. Kelley’s drama “The Lincoln Lawyer.” Instead, they’ve turned their attention to a new series: “Murder Hornets, She Wrote.”
Everyone’s worried about the Murder Hornets. But the focus on them has taken attention away from other law-breaking pests who are also quite horrible. For instance, there’s….
The Distribution of Steroids Meerkat
The Boys & Girls Clubs of America Embezzlement Booklice
The “Pray the Gay Away” Mantis
And of course…
The Zoom-Bombing Chipmunk
People in Boston broke quarantine to protest at the State House. Officials refused to relax Boston’s social distance guidelines, and said residents just have to be racist from home.
In New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo’s popularity has risen to 77 percent. While today, Bill de Blasio’s car was keyed just 77 times. (His license plate does say “BADMAYR.”)
Clarence Thomas broke a three-year silence during a Supreme Court teleconference. Even crazier, it was to say, “Carole definitely fed her husband to those tigers.”
As if things aren’t bad enough, China is apparently set to unveil a stealth nuclear bomber that could reach Los Angeles. But things will work out when it’s eaten by a Murder Hornet.
ESPN announced it will start airing the Korean Baseball Organization. Which might backfire, since the only guys still watching baseball actually fought in Korea.
COVID-19 forced Gold’s Gym to file for bankruptcy. The weird thing is that even when the gyms are closed, they’ll still have a bunch of naked old guys walking around the locker rooms. “How do we change the TV from that crappy baseball league??”
Yep, Gold’s Gym filed for bankruptcy. When asked if they’ll go out of business, Planet Fitness said, “Wait – how are we in business to begin with? (We spend more on pizza than people pay to join…)”
Nicolas Cage will star in a new scripted series playing “Tiger King’s Joe Exotic. To make sure he gets the character right, Cage will prepare for the role by being Nicolas Cage.
You’ll know Cage put his own spin on things when they find Carole Baskin’s husband on the back of the Magna Carta.
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon