Back not so much by popular demand, but by friendly suggestion:
It was a strange weekend. But to try and sum up: Kim Jong Un reemerged and was eaten by Alex Jones who was then murdered by a hornet?
Alex Jones actually said he wanted to eat his neighbors’ bodies and drink their blood. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard, and I’m going to pray for that man the next time I get Communion.
During a big tirade about “surviving,” Alex Jones said he would eat his neighbors. Or as one guy put it…
People knew something was up when Jones asked if they wanted Quiche Lorraine or Quiche Lamont.
More specifically, Alex Jones said he wanted to eat his neighbor’s ass. Women were horrified, while his neighbor Jeff was like, “Well, well, well – guess I don’t need that standing desk after all!”
And now scientists are saying we’re about to be invaded by “Murder Hornets.” Which is ironic, because the Murder Hornets were also favored to win the XFL Championship.
I actually feel bad for the lead Murder Hornet. He brings them all this way from Asia, and we’re all inside? That’s not an invasion – that’s a “Vacation” movie. “It doesn’t matter, kids! We’re still gonna have the hap-hap-happiest harvest since Jiminy Cricket tap-danced on Charlotte’s f*%&in’ web!!”
The Hornets thought they picked a good time, as Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day. At least it would’ve been, if people’s sweatpants weren’t fused to their legs.
George W. Bush released a video calling for unity and bipartisanship during the fight against COVID-19. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney released a video saying he shot one of the Murder Hornets in the face.
But Trump keeps pushing for the country to reopen, and tweeted out a tribute to boaters. Or as he put it, “From my sinking ship to yours…”
Last week, the Blue Angels and the Thunderbirds flew over New York City to “raise people’s spirits.” Because if there’s one thing that’ll relax New York City, it’s LOW-FLYING PLANES. “Here’s another idea. Know how everyone on the street’s alone? One night a week, we let Son of Sam out…”
To stop the spread in New York, Governor Cuomo helped disinfect a 7 Train in Queens. Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani pitched in by riding a coin-operated horse outside P.C. Richard.
Since the Kentucky Derby was canceled, Churchill Downs held a virtual race featuring several dead horses. And at the end, they thanked their sponsor: Taco Bell.
Yeah, virtual racing. But one guy lost so much betting on it, he had to sell all his air guitars.
Major League Baseball is working on a plan to play games in Florida. It’ll get weird when a drunken streaker runs onto the field and they say, “It’s cool – he’s the governor.”
Yeah, baseball teams would only play in Florida, Texas and Arizona. Which means Phillies fans would have to mail opposing pitchers single-A batteries.
The NHL says it will allow hockey players to resume small group activities. You know, like…watching hockey.
And the NBA is looking to play its games at Disney World. And this is nice: when the players ride “It’s a Small World,” they’ll get to see the kids that made their shoes.
And lastly, it turns out ESPN’s documentary on the 90s Bulls isn’t even finished, even though it’s already airing. You’ll know they rushed it when the finale’s just a guy saying, “There’s nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t date Carmen Electra!”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon