Well, if you thought the trillionaire thing was bad, just wait til Bezos wins “The Masked Singer.” “I KNEW he was the Vaping Mosquito!”
Today, Pope Francis called on people of all religions to join in prayer. Then he said, “But if you’re someone who says you’re ‘spiritual, but not religious,’ just try drinking bleach.”
President Trump addressed COVID-19 in Pennsylvania today, saying, “When you test, you have a case. When you test, you find something is wrong with people. If we didn't do any testing we would have very few cases.” Then he said, “It’s like they say: ‘If a tree falls in the forest, the chicken or the egg?’”
Before that, Trump tweeted that he wants President Obama to testify before the Senate about a so-called scandal called “Obamagate.” Then Obama shrugged and said, “Know what? Sounds fun. (Sorry Michelle, gotta go. But you guys enjoy that kale bread!)”
Trump also said Dr. Fauci didn’t give an “acceptable” answer when he said there’s no easy answer to re-opening schools to children. Fauci said he would’ve been more direct with Trump, but some of the people watching at home were children.
Florida is rolling out is social distancing restaurant guidelines, including a rule that just four people share a table in Miami. Or as that’s also known, “The Golden Girls.”
Some were outraged when Wisconsin residents returned to bars and restaurants without wearing protective facemasks. But before you judge, most of them were wearing protective cheese-masks.
McDonald’s is opening its dining rooms, but with social distancing guidelines. Everyone’s taking it seriously – in fact Ronald McDonald is only letting 80 friends ride in his car.
A German café is celebrating social distancing guidelines by giving out pool noodle hats:
It finally answers the question, “How would history have changed if Germany was conquered by a bachelorette party?”
Officials in Singapore deployed a robot dog to enforce social distancing in a park. When asked to describe the dog, residents said, “Crunchy.” (Again – get mad at me about an actual thing while you eat a goddamn cow. I’m very, very sorry about the make believe death of that…robot dog.)
I read that more people have noticed their houses are “haunted,” after experiencing supernatural incidents during quarantine. Well, you know what they say: “🎵Who you gonna call?? THE DOCTOR!🎵 because you probably have COVID-19.”
Actually, people who’ve battled COVID-19 say they’ve experienced extreme hallucinations. While people who just finished their 11th binge-watch of “Suits” said, “Bring it!”
One doctor reported hallucinations such as dogs jumping onto his bed and birds flying into his room. Then colleagues said, “Was it COVID-19, or MOTEL-6?”
Yeah, he says he saw birds fly into his room and was visited by the dead. Then Tupac told his parakeets, “That does it – back in the cage!”
I read that new restrictions are making it harder to harvest oranges. In fact, makers of Orangina say this could have up to no effect.
New research says that loud speech can leave COVID-19 germs in the air for 14 minutes. Which is why today, the White House Press Corps said, “Okay – no more questions!”
Yeah, they say that those who exchange in quiet conversation are less likely to get sick. So whenever you feel down, just picture a group of NPR hosts teaching themselves how to hunt. “I think maybe if we make some subtle observations about something the deer said in its book, it’ll die of shame?”
The horror classic “Psycho” will return to theaters this summer. It’s a little different – this time, Marion screams in horror when Norman only sings two lines of “Happy Birthday” while washing his hands.
Actually, both “Psycho” and “Jaws” are headed back to theaters. So if you want to see a guy with mommy issues and a vicious, bloated carnivore – Trump 2020!
In a new interview, Matt Damon says COVID-19 was foreshadowed by his film “Contagion.” While Ben Affleck says empty movie theaters were foreshadowed by his film “Gigli.”
Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Blake Snell pushed back at taking a pay cut this season, saying it’s not worth risking his life for less money. He was like, “I want to have ALL my money when I’m dead!”
Yeah, Snell doesn’t want to take a pay cut to play baseball because it’s too risky. He said it’s already bad enough working a job where you get a day off when it rains.
Joe Buck says Fox may add artificial crowd noise to its NFL telecasts. While for the Jets, they’ll just play an endless loop of THIS.
Buck also said they may add CGI fans. And this is cool: for Browns fans, they’ll even have CGI paper bags over their heads.
NFL during a pandemic should be fun. I can’t wait until a team wins the Super Bowl and dunks the coach with a bucket of Purell.
Former Patriot Matt Light says he once pranked Bill Belichick with a computer mouse that shocked him every time he touched it. When asked how he was feeling, Belichick said,
During last night’s UFC event, one of the fighters actually handed his teeth to the referee. Fans turned away in horror, while the ref put them under his pillow and retired.
ESPN released its list of the 74 best NBA players. Yep, 74. When asked who they looked for, ESPN said, “Guys who always gave it 107 percent.”
Unsurprisingly, Michael Jordan was ranked number one. But coming in second? This guy:
A nine-year-old boy in Tennessee caught an 80-pound sturgeon. In fact it’s such a big fish, when you strap it to a board, it sings that whole Bob Dylan song about JFK getting shot in the head.
A fan noticed that a Season 4 episode of “The Simpsons” reveals Homer Simpson’s birthdate, and that he recently turned 64. You can tell Homer’s 64, because he refers to “The Simpsons” as “THE Family Guy.” “Is that the one with Seth McMeyers??”
USA says it’s canceling its drama “The Purge.” But you can still watch it using another platform: your window.
USA Today did an article on how virtual baby reveals can be just as good as the real thing. They say even with Skype or Zoom, a dad can still tell his son, “Finally, I get a boy.”
And lastly, I read that more people have begun going nude around the house during quarantine. In related news, their cats just tried drinking bleach.
On that uplifting trifecta – Keep Yourselves Up!
Jon
Actually, this should fix it: