The Daily Dozen 3.22.20

Welp – two years later, and now everyone’s writing from home. I’d say hindsight is 20/20, but I can’t find an optometrist who’ll touch my eyes. Anyway…

“Real Housewives” creator Andy Cohen announced he has tested positive for the coronavirus. But don’t worry: doctors say in no time, the virus will break down completely and shout, “I didn’t come here to make friends!!” 

All the late night hosts have been doing shows from home, but it’s times like this we wish Johnny Carson was still alive. Of course after yesterday’s press briefing, we’re wondering if Ben Carson’s still alive.

While President Trump spoke to reporters, it looked like Ben Carson fell asleep on his feet. The good news is he finally woke up. The bad news: he was in Madame Tussauds.

Have you heard about the man who’s not a doctor, but plays one on Twitter? Trump tweeted an unproven and potentially dangerous drug combination he says could sure the virus. In response, people called every Trump supporter they know and said…nothing. “Let us know what happens…or don’t...”

Yep, Trump tweeted out a so-called “cure” for the coronavirus. Then an aide said, “I know you like the song, Mr. President, but a spoon full of sugar will not solve this.”

Some good news: booksellers say social distancing has led to more sales. But instead of asking if the book’s “fun an interesting,” people ask if the pages are “soft and absorbent.”

And many say isolating has allowed them to spend more time with their pets. In fact one person said their cat has actually learned to say, “When you die, I’m going to eat you.”

More stores are closing, and Best Buy was only allowing 15 customers in at a time. Or as that’s known at RadioShack, “Black Friday.” (Easy joke, in for a reason. I have a plan to save ‘em. The next Friday Feelings.)

But I think I waited too long to go there. When I asked for their most recent baseball game, the cover featured Shoeless Joe Jackson.

Meanwhile, The XFL had to cancel its season due to the coronavirus. They said all the teams will be up and running next year – except for the Carolina Coronaviruses. 

Because of the virus, many restaurants are now offering curbside pickup. And this is nice – if a bird flies into your home, Popeye’s will grill it for free. “But bats will cost ya!”

Steve Martin gave us a cool surprise, tweeting a clip where he plays banjo for 78 seconds. This breaks the record for longest anyone’s watched a banjo clip by…77 seconds.

But seriously, we’re living in scary times. So if you see an old man who’s lost, confused and babbling incoherently, just remember: you could’ve voted for Clinton or Warren.

Keep Yourselves Up (And Know When to Hold ‘Em),
Jon

Friday Feelings 3.20.20

I Have Opinions…

Instead of going on without a crowd, why can’t WrestleMania adopt an open mic format where the wrestlers sit in the audience? Gotta bring at least seven Doinks to get on, John Cena supportively applauding moves that aren’t that great. I just like the idea of the Superstars getting booking emails that say: “Sunday - 7:10. Please confirm. Vince.”

Is the coronavirus what gets schools to spend just a little less time on dinosaurs? Despite recent reports the dinos may have been poisoned (my money’s on The Jinx), the popular theory remains that an asteroid caused their demise. So what are we teaching children, exactly? If you see an asteroid, “Earmuffs!”? Even at five, I never understood the Jurassic fascination. I asked my teacher, “Are there dinosaurs still?” No. “Are they coming back?” No. “Then why are we doing this?” Extra recess for Little Rineman! And by the way: excellent job with the brontosaurus – you know, the dinosaur that doesn’t exist because you mismatched the pieces? Nice to hear our foremost paleontologists operate with the same efficiency as me assembling a desk from IKEA. I can’t wait until the robots put us together and announce the discovery of Tonya Hardashian.

Speaking of which, how did Rachel never refer to Ross as her “tyrannosaurus ex”?

PEOPLE: “They need to stop advertising debates like it’s the Super Bowl!!” SAME PEOPLE: “Why don’t more Americans vote??” ME: 😐

Any time I see the “Breaking News” ticker on CNN, I’m reminded of the Baby Jessica story from my childhood. By the way, do you think she ever received “Get Well” cards?

Many have had to file for unemployment. I remember my first time. They gave several options for password security questions. The first one: “What was your dream job as a child?” What a nice question for someone who just lost their job. How about this: “What’s the name of the street you grew up on, and how’s it feel being back there?”

Why don’t Paul and Ringo tour together? I can’t think of a better time than the (hopefully) near-present – a period where venues could struggle to draw crowds. They team up on “Sgt. Pepper”/“With a Little Help From My Friends,” then Ringo moves to drums for “A Day In the Life”/“Give Peace a Chance,” and they close on “The End.” Then after a brief intermission, Ringo goes on.

(Then after “You’re Sixteen” and “I Saw Her Standing There,” they’re both arrested.)

Unrelated: I bet every time they hear “Piano Man,” harmonicas are like,“What-Now Man”??

Related: Did you know that if you sub in “Eyes and ears and mouth and nose!” in the middle verse of “The Longest Time,” you get kicked out of TJ Maxx?

And as Morgan Murphy stated on Twitter, at a time when everyone’s performing from his/her/their bedroom: how badly do we miss the great Brody Stevens?

Can we stop the charade of “hiding” the birthday cake? “Don’t go in there!” “Stay out of the kitchen!” “He didn’t see it, did he??” Oh no, the lights are going out. Is it The Undertaker? (What I’m saying, Sadie/Amelia/Henry is for my 50th, I want you to get The Undertaker. He’ll still be taking bookings.)

Wednesday would have been my grandmother’s 98th birthday. Upon learning she was at a Boston Braves game the night Babe Ruth died, I did some research a few years back and found that the Braves hosted the Brooklyn Dodgers. Starting for the Braves? Warren Spahn. In the lineup for the Dodgers? Pee Wee Reese, Gil Hodges, Roy Campanella…and batting second? Jackie Robinson. (Also, Mimi was back there 61 years later to see my sister graduate from BU.)

When I sit in my locked car, windows up, and see all these people still out there jogging, coughing, sneezing and sweating on each other, I can’t help but think, “This might be the year I win the Marathon.”

And lastly - snapped this beauty while driving around near my parents’:

“Have you seen our new confessional?”

When I saw that, I was like, “Holy shit!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Below: Some jokes from 2016. No wait - 19 FREAKIN’ 92!!! 😲

The Daily Dozen 3.19.20

Sooooo…Happy First Day of Spring??

It seems like every day, the news is getting darker and darker. So I was very happy this morning to wake up to this…

In China, some farmers in isolation looked out their back door to see some elephants broke into their crops and got drunk on corn whiskey. This is real – and this is an actual picture of two of them sleeping it off:

When the elephants woke up, they rubbed their heads, looked around, and said, “Huh - guess we can forget stuff.”

Yep, a herd of elephants suffering from intoxication. Or as Trump’s calling it, “Elephant Flu.” “THEY’RE the ones getting and spreading it! That’s what I’m hearing!”

And when Don Jr. saw two unconscious elephants, he posed for a picture beside them.

And when Don Jr. got arrested, Mike Love’s “Beach Boys” played a benefit concert to bail him out.

And when John Stamos couldn’t get a flight there, Lori Loughlin got him a fake pilot’s license.

And when Lori Loughlin got arrested, Harvey Weinstein turned his bunk beds into a double.

And when Weinstein turned his bunk beds into a double, Bill Cosby sued for copyright infringement.

And when he heard Cosby was suing, Michael Avenatti said, “Need a lawyer??”

And when Avenatti asked if he needs a lawyer, Stormy Daniels said, “A real lawyer – not you.”

And when he heard Stormy, Trump said, “How about a shag-n-shark? I just tested negative for Elephant Flu!”

And when they heard all that, the elephants said, “Looks like we picked the wrong week to start drinking whiskey…”

And when he heard that, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “COME OVAH AND PLAY WITH MY PONY, WHISKEY!!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.18.20

So my friends heard their six-year-old singing “Happy Birthday” while he washed his hands - and then at the end say 🎵“to NOBODY….”🎵 😂 I told them, “I hope his part-time job in high school is working at Applebees, just so he can sing that to people.”

It’s funnier than anything I got. But, here we go:

To enforce its quarantine, the government is apparently working with Twitter to track where users are tweeting. That’s why today, Trump installed a toilet in the Oval Office. “Everybody out - gotta land an Air Force 2…”

But the coronavirus is getting more serious. Yesterday, people urged others to donate to charity, keep in touch with loved ones, and stay calm to preserve their immune systems. Then they got back to endlessly trashing someone from “High School Musical.” 

Yesterday, people were criticizing Vanessa Hudgens for insensitive remarks she made about the virus on Monday. It took a whole day because they needed to time delete all the insensitive remarks THEY made about the virus on Monday.

And Jared Leto says he emerged from silently meditating in the desert to learn about the coronavirus. But at first he didn’t take it seriously, because people usually pretend to die when he talks about meditating. “It’s literally JUST BREATHING! You GOTTA try it!!”

Dr. Oz urged couples to use the quarantine to have more sex. Then Dr. Phil asked to see his degree. “That’s wackier than a talkin’ mime! Shit, that made sense. I’ve got the virus.”

The virus lead German Chancellor Angela Merkel to make what some are calling the most impassioned address ever in Germany. Then historians said, “Wait, what about—” and Germany said, “OUR MOST IMPASSIONED ADDRESS EVER.”

And France’s President Emmanuel Macron urged citizens to remain inside their homes. The French said, “It’s not hard enough to homeschool our toddlers – now we must tolerate their cigarette smoke??”

Health experts say people in their 70s might need to isolate for three months. I feel terrible thinking about my parents – but mainly because of that thing Dr. Oz said. 🤮

Private jet operators are turning down requests from the super rich hoping to escape the virus. The super-rich were furious – they said, “But I posted a charity’s logo on Instagram!”

In Tel Aviv, a man tried to return a stolen 2,000-year-old artifact so if the world ends, he has a clear conscience. That story again: Nicolas Cage is just fine.

Because of the pandemic, there hasn’t been quite as much election coverage. But on the bright side…wait, that is the bright side.

Joe Biden won primaries in Florida, Arizona and Illinois. Biden said he couldn’t have done it without those who still went out and voted, and personally called to thank them both.

And Utah had a 5.7 magnitude earthquake last night. In fact there was so much movement, residents reported numerous cases of dancing. (You have to report it in Utah.)

And lastly, Universal announced that this weekend, movies in theaters will be available on-demand. Even better: “Cats” won’t.

The reason this site started up again in December was to cope on Sundays. Then in January, a…more tangible reason arose. (👀 Stay tuned.) But the reason it’s now daily is because, like you, I just want to stay sane and do what I love. Always try to find a safe way. (And instead of getting mad at people’s jokes on Twitter, you can get mad solely at mine.) But many are doing this type of thing, and with that in mind, here’s something a friend made. Share it, urge him to do it in-studio, let’s get him another #1. It’s great, and so, so, SO smart on many levels. And he is, after all (What) a Good Boy…

Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Page:

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

And Happy Birthday Mimi! We love and miss you. 💚

The Daily Dozen 3.17.20

Well, the bad news is, health officials still recommend gatherings of no more than ten people. On the bright side, there is one new option: a Patriots game.

Yep, after 20 years, Tom Brady is leaving the Patriots. People in Boston say it’s the worst St. Patrick’s Day they remember. But with the bars closed, it’s also the only St. Patrick’s Day they remember.

Brady leaving creates a whole new dynamic in the AFC East. Usually the Jets finish as low as last. But with Brady gone, they could actually finish as high as last.

It’s rumored that Brady will sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. But it would be awkward when even Florida residents are like, “Who’s the old man?”

This all seems to go back to a feud between Brady and Bill Belichick, and everyone’s torn. In fact today, Robert Kraft asked his masseuse for a “conflicted ending.”

Kraft actually released a statement saying he hoped this day would never come. Then his masseuse said, “I always hope the opposite about you.”

Now that Brady’s done playing in New England, it’s opened the argument on the region’s greatest athlete. Some say it’s Celtics legend Bill Russell, while others are racist.

Both Brady and Belichick are known as Trump supporters, so it’s hard to say whom the president will side with. But since it’s Trump, my money’s on the old white guy in a hood.

Today, President Trump gave another update on the coronavirus. He opened by saying thanks to him, everyone’s saying “Merry Apocalypse” again.

Trump announced plans for a stimulus package, saying, “It’s going to be big, it’s going to be bold.” He then continued, “It’s gonna be wiser. It’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna be tough, it’s gonna be stronger. It’s gonna be calm, it’s gonna be cool, it’s gonna stay together. All I know, all I know, is cash will save the day.” Then when asked where the virus started, he said, “Chickity China, the Chinese chicken…”

Actually, China has banned all Americans who work for the New York Times, Washington Post and Wall Street Journal. Trump was like, “Who do they think they are – me??” 

Meanwhile, the pandemic led to the Kentucky Derby being postponed until September. You know – because how are those rapidly-whipped horses expected to run without people cheering them on?

And lastly, brothels around the world are reporting record losses due to the virus. When asked if they have an insurance policy, they said, “Yeah – but he’s still sad about Tom Brady leaving.”

UNLESS YOU’RE BOB KRAFT…

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.16.20

Well, Sunday was another tense night. Officials said, “Keep your distance from others, avoid all physical contact, and just try to stay calm.” Then they said, “Now get out there and have a good debate, Mr. Biden.”

There’s actually a new test for the coronavirus: see if you turn as pale as Bernie Sanders when Biden said he’d pick a female running mate. “I WAS JUST ONE PERCENT PREPARED FOR THIS!!”

At their debate last night, Joe Biden pledged to pick a woman as his running mate. Then Pete Buttigieg slunk into a waiting limo, said, “Y’all don’t know me!” and told everyone to check out his SoundCloud.

Biden said he made the decision after thoroughly vetting some qualified women. Then his staff said, “Actually, he spent the weekend watching ‘Frozen 2.’” “That Olaf’s a real snowball-buster, amirite??”

But this is real: Joe Biden promised to pick a female running mate. Everyone was excited, until he said “AND HERE SHE IS!!”

It wasn’t a great debate for either candidate. Bernie accidentally called the coronavirus “SARS,” while Biden accidentally called it “Ebola.” While Trump accidentally called them “Ren & Stimpy.”

Speaking of cartoons from the 90s: Kid Rock is refusing to shut down his bar in Nashville, and called a mandate to close “unconstitutional.” Then he debuted his new single: “American Dumbass.”

And R.E.M.’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” is actually charting again because of the virus. But so far, no such luck for the B-52’s rarity: “Soap Hut.” 🎵“Bumpin’ and a wavin’, sittin’ and a readin’ baby!” “FOLKS lining UP inSIDE just to SOAP dowwwwwwwwn!”🎵

And this isn’t good: Idris Elba tested positive for the coronavirus, and will begin a two-week quarantine. In completely unrelated news, your wife just got a job with Postmates.

But restaurants all over the country are closing. Wendy’s stored all its food in a freezer; Burger King threw it all out; and Arby’s banged some pots and pans together ‘til it ran back into the alley.

A leaked document says the crisis in the UK could last up to a year, endangering the elderly. Then Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip said, “Damn! Good thing we pulled a ‘Get Out’ on Harry and Megan.”

And lastly, Arnold Schwarzenegger released a video encouraging people to stay inside where he was joined by a couple of friends:

Then the horses said, “We’re actually boys, and we just met this guy five minutes ago.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.15.20

Today I turned 37 years old! Everywhere I went, people were singing “Happy Birthday.” Then they said, “Actually, we were just washing our hands.”

That’s right, I turned 37 during the coronavirus. And nothing says “fun” like putting out 37 individual candles with a snuffer.

Also celebrating a birthday today is our favorite Beach Boy, Mike Love. When they saw him coming, the other Beach Boys turned off the lights and hid. Then after a few minutes, they said, “Phew – that was close.” (“Wait – what if he’s levitating above us??”)

But my most famous birthday twin is actually Saint Nicholas. You know Santa - he’s the 1,677-year-old who we now have to shout wishes at from 50 yards away?

Of course, almost everything is closed due to the coronavirus, including Disneyland. The crazy thing is, even the virus had to wait 45 minutes to ride Space Mountain. “The hell’s going on up there??”

Actually, both Disneyland and Disney World are closed. Which is a shame, because the robot Trump in the Hall of Presidents gives better updates on the virus than the real one.

Thankfully, Trump tested negative for the coronavirus. Or as the coronavirus put it, “Thankfully, I tested negative for Trump.” (Everybody’s happy.)

That’s right, President Trump tested negative - or as he told Don Jr. and Eric, “I’m super-duper contagious - to be safe, you should move to Wuhan.”

But a spokesman for China’s Foreign Ministry suggested the U.S. military may have brought the virus to Wuhan. Then Trump tweeted, “Another MAJOR export thanks to Your Favorite President! Enjoy!”

USA Today says if things get worse, there could be six patients for every hospital bed. Man – never good when your prognosis is worse than the grandparents in “Willy Wonka.”

Hotels were drastically affected by the virus, with many laying off employees. It’s really sad – at Motel 6, I saw a bedbug leaving with a box of his stuff. (Or HER stuff!)

Speaking of hotels, Florida lawmaker Andrew Gillum was found in a hotel room with several bags of meth. When they heard a man who almost became Governor was busted for meth, Florida residents demanded a recount. “Now that’s leadership!”

And it turns out the Dead Sea Scrolls at the Museum of the Bible are all forgeries. Staff made the discovery when they noticed each one ended with “#MondayMotivation.”

And with the season suspended, NBA star Kevin Love donated $100,000 to the arena staff in Cleveland. Most called Love “generous,” while his Uncle Mike called him, “adopted.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.13.20

You’re stuck inside waiting on stuff. I’m stuck inside waiting on stuff. And I know a lot of these jokes may not age well. But from the sounds of it, neither will we.

Last night, the NBA suspended its season due to the coronavirus. Or as the Knicks put it, “After consulting with health officials, we have decided to skip the playoffs. Fans come first!”

Before that, they were going to play in empty arenas, but LeBron James said he wouldn’t. Mainly because he didn’t want people at home to hear him call teammates “Hey you!”

Yeah, they were going to play in empty arenas. Which would’ve gotten weird when all the players stop just to listen to Bill Walton. “Dave – have YOU ever seen Zeus surf the Euphrates on a redwood??”

Before all this, the NBA issued a warning to reporters telling them to keep a safe distance from the players. Let’s see how French star Rudy Gobert responded to that:

 Pretty funny. Let’s see what happened next…

Even Bernie Sanders was like, “HEALTHCARE FOR ALL BUT HIM!”

Who’d have thought Giuliani would be our second-dumbest Rudy?

Also - look at the Commissioner, Adam Silver in that picture. You know your league’s in trouble when the healthiest guy looks like Judge Doom when he turns into a toon.

Meanwhile, Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” will air without a live audience. Host and “Real Housewives” creator Andy Cohen said, “Exposure to the disease could destroy countless families – and frankly, I’ve grown bored with that.”

Lots of TV shows are airing without live audiences, and writers are working remotely. So if you’re offered a chance to “temporarily” write from home – hi, I’m you in two years. (Lock your desk!!)

MIT and Tufts sent students home for the rest of the semester. That’s when you know this virus is bad – when people who could cure it are like, “DEUCES Y’ALL!”

And Chuck E. Cheese detailed their efforts to prevent the spread of germs, including frequent cleaning, closure of games, and an emphasis on hand washing. Then they told the kids to hug a giant rat so they could fish a hobo out of the ball pit.

And there are rumors WWE could be forced to cancel WrestleMania 36. When asked why he’s worried about the virus, John Cena said, “You can’t see it.” (If you survived that joke, you’re gonna be fine.)

It really doesn’t make sense that WWE would cancel. Especially since Ric Flair is the only one greeting people safely:

But some good news for fans: Patriots great Rob Gronkowski signed with the WWE. But it was awkward when they said he was gonna win and he said, “Wait, how do you know?? (Did Santa tell you??)”

Yep, Gronk is in WWE. For his finisher, he’s gonna give a big splash – you know, just like Robert Kraft. 

Hey, speaking of old pervs: Harvey Weinstein was sentenced to 23 years in prison. And in an ironic twist, is now expected to outlive us all.

And lastly, Joe Biden got into a fight with a Trump supporter over the Second Amendment and said, “You’re full of shit.” Then the man said, “Of course I am – I’ve been out of toilet paper for a week.”

A good friend of mine was badly mugged last fall in New York City, and he told me what probably saved his life was that he wouldn’t let himself go down. By just forcing himself to stay up, he survived long enough for help to arrive, and now he’s doing great, and back doing what he loves. He’s an inspiration to me, and hopefully to you. (No, my friend isn’t Tom Hanks.)

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Just Some Jokes 3.8.20

Today was International Women’s Day! Or as primary voters put it, “International what now Day?”

International Women’s Day is when we honor the amazing women in our lives by paying them compliments and respect. Then Chris Matthews said, “I’m not fallin’ for THAT again! That’s how they GETCHA!!”

Today was also the start of Daylight Savings, and we all lost an hour. As opposed to that other way to lose an hour: ask a Bernie supporter, “How’s it going?”

We all lost an hour. While some lost twoasking Trump for an update on the coronavirus. “The germs are filthy. Just nasty. But I have to say, there are also some fine germs being treated VERY unfairly.”

But you can tell Trump’s nervous, because today, he wore two diapers in his tanning bed.

There are actually rumors online Trump may have…had an accident after these photos went viral on Twitter:

Finally – a leak that didn’t come from Pence or Kushner.

You know Hollywood’s out of ideas when they’re rebooting The Pee Tape.

I knew it was about to get worse when Trump found a sofa to hide behind and started tweeting. “Leave me alone!!”

Trump fought back by tweeting that he has a perfectly coordinated and fine-tuned plan for explaining and containing the coronavirus – but refused to elaborate. Okay, guess we’ll just have to trust him…

Anyway, Austin had to cancel the South by Southwest Festival. Great – NOW how am I gonna learn what’s “comedy” from guys who should be designing screensavers?

There are also rumors Coachella could be canceled due to the coronavirus. Or, they could go with my plan: just let it get wiped out by all the other viruses at Coachella.

Even Weird Al Yankovic weighed in, saying he wouldn’t record a new song called “My Corona.” Then Trump tweeted, “In that case forget what I said – we have no plan.” I KNEW it!

Meanwhile, Ben Carson refused to “preview” the plan for docking a cruise ship with 21 virus-stricken passengers. However, he did provide this simulated preview.

That looks like the worst cruz since Ted.

Actually, (SEGUES!!)…Ted Cruz announced he is quarantining himself for a week over fears he was exposed to the coronavirus. Then the virus said, “Oh my God - they wanna set me up with Ted Cruz? I gotta hit the gym or something…”

Apparently, Cruz shook hands and had a brief interaction with a patient who tested positive at CPAC. So as a precaution, Cruz says he plans to wear latex gloves when he likes porn links.

To prevent the spread of the virus, the NBA is talking about playing games without any fans in the arena. Then the Knicks said, “See? We’re just ahead of our time!”

Players are not happy about it. They said, “You mean now, WE have to listen to Jeff Van Gundy??”

Yeah, empty arenas. Which is going to make the Kiss Cam…just as awkward and horrible as it already is. “KISS HER!...WE MEAN YOUR WIFE, BIDEN!!”

Spike Lee announced he is boycotting the rest of the Knicks’ games after the team banned him from entering through a private elevator. The team said, “If Mr. Lee is worried about his privacy, he can do like all our other fans and wear a paper bag over his head.”

There’s also talk about holding March Madness without any fans. It’s gonna be sad when they have to tell an empty stadium, “The MVP goes to – Lori Loughlin’s daughter!”

It’s truly amazing this is happening, especially with baseball around the corner. I can’t wait for the first guy to get hit with a pitch, and instead of charging, saying, “I’m unliking all your Insta posts!”

Actually, Major League Baseball asked teams to cut back on the amount of autographs signed during spring training. And the Red Sox responded by trading everyone you’d possibly give a shit about.

Now that the virus is spreading, couples are raiding Costco for supplies. Well, wives are raiding them for supplies, while husbands have been dead inside for years. “I don’t see ‘Step Brothers DVD’ on the list I gave you. Do YOU see ‘Step Brothers DVD’ on the list I gave you??”

In the middle of this, Costco had at one pretty notable shopper. Take a look:

On the bright side - when it saw that, the coronavirus turned right around and left.

Just when you thought they were done slashing prices…BUT FOLKS!

Actually, a minor league baseball team in Charleston is scrapping plans for an “OJ Trial Night.” They said they’re sorry, and hope everyone can still have fun on “Epstein Was Murdered Day.”

But one of the issues causing a panic during the coronavirus is an anticipated lack of toilet paper. However, it’s also led to a giant spike in sales for this:

And the Vatican reported its first case of the coronavirus. But instead of treating the virus, they’re just going to change its name and transfer it to another parish.

The Vatican says it’s as puzzled as everyone else by the virus – then continued to let hundreds of strangers sip from the same chalice.

But in order to stop the spread of the disease, the Pope gave a livestream of Mass. But everyone clicked out when he began, “Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy what’s up you guys??”

Airlines in Europe are flying empty planes so they don’t lose their scheduled routes during the corona scare. And since there aren’t any passengers, flight attendants break the pilots’ elbows with beverage carts.

Yeah, planes are landing without a single passenger on board. Though that is not how the Spirit Airlines flights took off. “We’re lagging. Ditch another fatty!”

People are still talking about this awkward moment Joe Biden had on Super Tuesday – check it out:

I don’t know about New Hampshire, but he’s got Maine locked up.

Trump couldn’t believe it – he was like, “You don’t hit on your sister!! You hit on your DAUGHTER!”

Despite being an early favorite, Elizabeth Warren dropped out – meaning the next debate will feature just two men. Which also explains why the moderator is Quentin Tarantino.

Yep, the next debate will feature Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden. Each candidate will receive 90 seconds for a rebuttal, and two minutes to unwrap a cough drop.

Today, Jesse Jackson endorsed Bernie Sanders, while Kamala Harris endorsed Joe Biden. Then the two of them met at a bar and said, “It’s St. Patrick’s Day somewhere!”

Melania Trump is being criticized for building a tennis pavilion during the coronavirus outbreak. But don’t worry; it’s gonna be steamrolled next January to make room for Biden’s Paintball Bonanza.

But the tennis pavilion is already causing some confusion. Whenever Melania says “Zero-love,” people assume she’s referring to her marriage.

Bill Clinton says that he had his affair with Monica Lewinsky to “manage” his anxiety. When asked what made him anxious, he said, “My other affairs.”

Yeah, Bill Clinton says he had an affair to “manage his anxiety.” Then Michelle took a look at Barack’s hair and said, “You’re clean. (And stop getting mad when people ask if you’re my Grandpa.)”

The publishing house Hachette announced that it’s canceling Woody Allen’s autobiography. They made the call after impassioned pleas from concerned advocates: Woody Allen’s attorneys.

Woody Allen’s autobiography is canceled. It was a weird book, because each page after 15 was just numbered “Meh.”

An exorcist says he once saw a woman pick up a man larger than her and toss him across the room. When asked what happened next, he said, “Bloomberg dropped out, and a few days later, so did she.”

The podcast Reply All went viral, when a man remembered the lyrics and melody of a song from his youth, and the hosts worked tirelessly to track down the recording. Until finally, after months of exhaustive research they said, “The song is ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash,’ and you wrote it, Mr. Richards.”

The world’s first cloned cat, C.C., died at 18. She was surrounded by her owners, her vet, and five other C.C.’s.

And lastly, as part of a settlement with his ex-wife, William Shatner was awarded the couple’s supply of horse semen. When asked how many horses they own, Shatner said, “Oh – I don’t own a horse.”

Wash your hands, y’all.

-Jon

HEY - ONE MORE THING: If you haven’t, please listen to the aforementioned Reply All podcast. Just give it a listen. You’ll have so much fun and the ending is fantastic. Movie-worthy. even.

SPOILER ALERT:

I’d not only own this song, but know every single lyric by heart. Hope in a hopeless time…

Just Some Jokes 3.2.20

Well, here’s what I’m talking about…

The big story is the coronavirus, and experts are warning people to avoid crowds or large social gatherings. Which explains that new slogan: “Jon Rineman: I Definitely Don’t Have the Coronavirus.”

It’s on everyone’s minds. For her birthday, my daughter asked for “Nod-From-A-Distance Elmo.”

Then after nervously milling around behind me, my parents’ dogs finally said, “Can you just tell us what you had for lunch?”

President Trump announced that Mike Pence would head up his Coronavirus Task Force. The way it works is: if you’re paler than Mike Pence, you have the coronavirus.

But I’m sure with Mike Pence in charge, we don’t have to worry at all about germs—

Welp…I’ll probably try and meet Babe Ruth first. Maybe Lincoln?

But people were upset when a picture got out showing Pence’s Task Force has zero women. Then Trump said, “You want to add cooties to the equation??”

Trump told reporters we’re dealing with the virus by ordering “a lot of different elements of medical.” While his speechwriter is apparently “ordering a lot of different elements of edible.”

Trump seemed to take credit for his “handling” of the virus by closing the borders. Because as we all know, nothing stops airborne germs like a grounded wall. “I’ve also asked all mosquitos with West Nile to fly no higher than two feet! You’re welcome!”

It was announced that the virus has spread to New York. But the way Reuters reported it was a little misleading. Take a look:

If you have a Headline, send it to “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank CA 91523! We’ll be right back to Terry Bradshaw!”

I believe that’s known as “sick-bait.” (Uh-thankyou.)

Now that it’s made its way to the state, many are afraid of a pandemic in New York City. But Mayor de Blasio assured New Yorkers it would be killed instantly by all the other viruses in New York City. “Well well well – who’s the tourist?”

Experts say the virus could lead to emptier sports stadiums this spring. Then the Orioles said, “So, the chairs are gonna leave, too?”

There’s also a movement to eliminate handshakes, and replace them with fist-bumps. People were like, “People touch everything with their hands! What’s the worst they could touch with their fists oh my god let’s go back to handshakes.”

In fact, a survey says 38% percent of beer drinkers won’t buy Corona because of the coronavirus. “Welcome to our world!” said the makers of Scurvy Ale. (Have you met Jeff Scurvy? He’s a sweetheart!)

But the virus has made its way to the U.S. And doctors issued a warning that if you exhibited recent bouts of choking, there’s a chance you’re Bernie Sanders.

On Saturday, Joe Biden scored a decisive win in South Carolina. Biden said he was humbled by the support, and hopes others will honor him with their vote tomorrow. Nah – he dumped Gatorade on his campaign manager and yelled, “I’M GOIN’ TO LEGOLAND!!”

It revived Biden’s campaign, and people were already pushing him to “draft Kamala” as his running mate. But before his staff could clarify “Kamala Harris,” Biden already had 500 of these posters made:

“And my cabinet?? All Doinks!”

Bernie Sanders downplayed his loss to Biden, saying, “We are putting together a coalition of multiracial, multigenerational coalition of African-Americans, Latinos, whites, Native Americans, Asian-Americans.” Which I think was his way of saying he’d been endorsed by Vin Diesel?

Bernie also held a rally with Public Enemy, but Flavor Flav refused to appear. Then Bernie put a giant sundial around his neck and said, “1929 WAS THE NUMBAH! ANOTHER SUMMAH! WE MUST GET DOWN WITH THE FUNKY DRUMMAH, BROTHAS AND A HANDFUL OF SISTAHS!”

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday - which sounds less like a political benchmark and more like a term the most annoying person in your office would coin. “It’s my favorite - besides Marvelous Monday and Wacky Wednesday!”

Elizabeth Warren’s campaign manager said she is “poised” to finish second in eight states. Which explains Warren’s Secret Service codename: “Pepsi.”

But Warren is hoping for a win in the state of Massachusetts; Sanders is leading the state of California; and Michael Bloomberg’s a lock in the state of denial.

Actually, Trump took some time to weigh in on the primaries, and Bloomberg in particular:

Shout out to the guys from FEMA who helped him back up.

Incidentally, “AHHHHHH, GET ME OFF!” was the only line in Trump’s wedding vows.

Tom Steyer dropped out the race, but promised to keep spreading awareness about environmental issues. Especially since he spent so much on his campaign, he now has to sleep outside.

If nothing else, we’ll have something pretty special to remember Steyer by. Here he is dancing to the song “Back that Azz Up” at an event the night before he dropped out:

Hey - still the least disturbing video of a politician with a Juvenile.

And Pete Buttigieg dropped out, meaning we’ll have to wait for another candidate to break the tradition of a First Lady living in the White House. Then Melania said, “Ha – okay.”

Amy Klobuchar dropped out today. But I think she’ll be fine. She could always be…

• The grandma at a piano recital who takes out a flask and says, “Time for my juice box.” 

• Your aunt at Thanksgiving who says, “Can you pass the potatoes? Unlike the bar exam.”

• The morning drive time sidekick who says, “I know some gals who’d love to rock Dwayne’s Johnson.”

• The wedding guest who says “A white gown for her? Ooooookay, Mother Teresa!”

• Or, the Comedy Central panelist who waits for the right time to jump in and say “Yeah – in my pants!”

The number one movie at the box office was “The Invisible Man,” and it’s about a guy using a suit that makes him invisible to commit horrible acts on women. Which should explain things when you see a walker with no one behind it saunter into Harvey Weinstein’s sentencing.

That’s right, “The Invisible Man” came in first at movie theaters. And thanks to the coronavirus, it was able to do so by making just 12 dollars.

There are a bunch of paranormal films coming out this year. One of the most anticipated is “Ghostbusters: Afterlife,” where the events of the original film are known as the “Manhattan Crossrip.” Manhattan Crossrip? That sounds like something your landlord does when he squats down to fix your sink.

The Manhattan Crossrip? That’s what happens to your pants when you sit in “gum” on the 4 Train.

The Manhattan Crossrip? That’s what Trump asks for when he goes to SuperCuts. “Gimme a Manhattan Crossrip – and while I’m waiting, a Jersey Shore Faceblast.”

Oprah is recovering after a nasty fall during her motivational tour. She was like, “Everyone in the front row look under your seats and PICK ME UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!”

It was pretty scary. She was like, “Is anyone here a doctor?? Not named Oz or Phil??”

Oprah actually fell right when she was giving a lecture on “balance.” Then when she moved onto “drive,” she got run over by a Honda.

Judge Judy announced she will be ending her show after 25 years. Yep, after all those years of sitting around in a robe, she’ll finally get to…keep doing that.

But “Judge Judy” is ending. When asked what she’ll do now that she’s retired, she said, “Same as anyone – watch ‘Judge Judy.’”

Tony Romo signed a deal to stay with CBS Sports for 17-million-dollars a year – an all-time record for an analyst. Not to be outdone, Rob Gronkowski agreed to say at Fox for a mix of Goldfish and animal crackers. “Surf ‘n Turf, bro!!”

And there are more rumors saying it’s unlikely Tom Brady will return to the Patriots. Robert Kraft was so tense, his morning massage lasted thirty-five seconds.

Scientists claim to have discovered the first extraterrestrial protein. While an alien followed me around the store asking if I wanted a second bottle half-off by signing up for GNC’s rewards program.

Officials in Ohio found a 25-year-old alligator living in a man’s basement. When asked how they knew it was 25, they said, “It had a rental car.”

Some sad news: the founder of Trader Joe’s passed away at 89. Meanwhile, the founder of Whole Foods died from the exact same thing at 124.95.

And lastly, a performer with Puppetry of the Penis injured his testicles with a corkscrew during a show. Even weirder – the show was “Hamilton.”

Hey, speaking of Kamala. The man behind the Ugandan Giant, James Harris, has undergone some really rough times as of late. If you’d like to pitch in and help out, please go here.

Have a wonderful week,

Jon

JSJ 2.24.20

Posting early - because like everyone, I don’t wanna touch Harvey Weinstein.

UPDATE: At least now, he won't have to ask people to watch him shower.

This weekend, I finally saw “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” Not the film - the media’s coverage of Bernie Sanders winning the caucuses.

Bernie Sanders finished well ahead of the other Democrats in Nevada. But it wasn’t a total loss; Joe Biden saw Blue Man Group for the 1,000th time. “Those Smurfs rock!”

And last night, former candidate Marianne Williamson endorsed Bernie. When told he’s the frontrunner, she said, “Whoaaaa - you guys can see him, too??”

But Chris Matthews actually compared Bernie’s Nevada victory to France falling to Germany in World War II. Bernie supporters called it ridiculous - then said if you don’t vote for him, you’re in ISIS.

Many are calling on Matthews to resign. But really, what’s worse: Chris Matthews on TV sharing his opinions, or next to you at the bar sharing his opinions? “I’LL TELL YOU THE BEST BON JOVI SONG!!”

On Wednesday, the Democrats had another debate. You could watch it on NBC, stream it online, or hear it just by opening a window.

I felt bad for Lester Holt. He reminded me of the rich woman in a “Three Stooges” pie fight who keeps shouting, “EVERYONE! STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!”

A lot went on, but to sum up: Michael Bloomberg might be better off speaking Spanish instead of English.

On the bright side, Bloomberg got an endorsement from Clint Eastwood, who said he no longer supports Trump. So instead of yelling at an empty chair, Eastwood will yell at a toilet with a built-in phone charger.

After pressure from Elizabeth Warren, Bloomberg said he was releasing three women from nondisclosure agreements so they could speak openly about why they departed his company. Then today, he told Harvey Weinstein, “I call top bunk.”

Warren seemed like the big winner of the debate, and her supporters called out the media for a “blackout” in failing to mention her. Man…that sounds awful. 😬

And it came out Russia is apparently trying to help Bernie Sanders get the nomination, and Bernie knew for a month but didn’t say anything. He didn’t exactly help himself when asked about it. Check it out:

In fairness, how do you behave when you’re trying to catch a flight? I saw a guy at LAX dropkick a nun and tell a pilot with two trays of coffees to “Hurry it up, Lindbergh!!”

But Sanders created even more controversy when he went on “60 Minutes” and said it’s “unfair to say everything is bad” with Fidel Castro’s regime in Cuba. When asked to name one positive element, he was like, “…Good swimmers?”

Yeah, he said not everything was bad when Fidel Castro ran Cuba. Then he said, “And without Charles Manson, we don’t get that nifty Tarantino talkie!”

Meanwhile, Trump is headed to a big rally in India. The Secret Service even gave him a special codename for the trip: “Slumlord Billionaire.”

But it’s a fun trip for Trump – it lets him visit the only Taj Mahal he didn’t bankrupt.

Trump is expected to draw crowds of over 100,000 people in India. Which will get weird when he goes up to every one of them and says, “Do you know how to change my screensaver? Do you know how to change my screensaver?…”

Trump also commuted ex-Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich’s prison sentence. Anderson Cooper had a very tense interview with Blagojevich. Take a look:

To show you how tense things were – at the start of the interview, Blagojevich’s hair was still brown.

I haven’t heard that language on CNN since Larry King pulled a Belvedere. (Urban Dictionary it….)

The cast of “Friends” has finally agreed to a reunion on HBO Max. The specifics are top secret, and the only ones who know are the cast, producers and somehow, Bernie Sanders. “THEY WERE ON A BREAK! THE COUPLING SYSTEM IS RIGGED!”

Actually, some details are already coming out about what the “Friends” characters have been up to for the last 15 years. And it’s pretty interesting.

Monica…

Appeared on an episode of “Hell’s Kitchen” and yelled until Gordon Ramsay cried.

Chandler…

Got fired from his advertising job when he said, “Could Baby Nut BE any cuter?”

Phoebe…

Splits her time preparing for her Mars trip and canvasing for Marianne Williamson.

Joey…

Sued Wendy Williams over the phrase, “How YOU doin’?” and settled out of court for a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich.

Ross…

Thought a fight over what to watch on Netflix meant he and Rachel broke up, had a panic attack, drank half an appletini and spent a week dating Ariana Grande.

Rachel…

Dumped Ross, but still shows up to clap for him when he wins awards.

Janice…

Is the least annoying voice on the Headspace meditation app.

Gunther from Central Perk took a weird heel turn in 2015…

And Marcel the Monkey…

Is still trapped in an IKEA.

Filming of “The Batman” starring Robert Pattinson is underway, but many diehard fans are concerned Batman’s being played by a British actor. So just wait until they hear Alfred’s played by Tony Danza. “Ohh-ayy-ohh! You ain’t goin’ off to fight Mr. Two Heads without finishin’ your chores, Mr. Bruce!”

Some big news here: Keith Richards announced that he is quitting smoking. Or as his doctor put it, “Titanic, meet deck chairs.”

Actually, Richards had a good reason to quit smoking: it was that or leave the bar.

And John Oates of “Hall & Oates” says he has slept with “thousands of women.” When asked how he did it, he said, “By saying I’m Hall.”

A 42-year-old Zamboni driver got to play goalie for the Carolina Hurricanes, after both of their goalies were injured. Which seems like a nice story, until you hear they got run over by the Zamboni.

Zamboni driver David Ayers didn’t allow a single goal for the Hurricanes. And he was such a hit, they let three Zamboni drivers ref yesterday’s Celtics-Lakers game. “Uhh…foul on Bird? 11 free throws for Chamberlain.”

In baseball, Spring Training is under way. You can tell everyone’s a little rusty, because it took the Astros four innings to realize the lens cap was still on the camera they use to steal signs.

I read about a baseball writer for the Minneapolis Tribune who will turn 100 years old next month. You can tell he’s been around a while, because after each game, he vanishes into a cornfield.

A former Home Depot employee is suing the chain, claiming it fired him after a heart attack. Though to be fair, it was suffered by a customer when he encountered an actual Home Depot employee.

Disney announced that from now on, Epcot will be known as EPCOT. As in, “IF YOU KIDS DON’T BEHAVE, I’M TURNING AROUND AND TAKING YOU TO EPCOT!”

EPCOT will feature a ride for the movie “Ratatouille,” where you’re the same size as rats running around a restaurant. Or as that’s also known, “Manhattan.”

Actually, some sad news: the founder and of the Hair Club for Men, Sy Sperling, passed away. May he rest in his piece.

Just Some Jokes 2.18.20

Yesterday was President’s Day, when we honor George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. And I bet if they were alive today, they’d still be younger than the guys running for the president in November.

Bars everywhere were offering their annual Washington/Lincoln special: a cherry bourbon smash with a shot. BUT FOLKS…

In an appearance on Geraldo Rivera’s podcast, President Trump essentially admitted he was guilty of the crimes that got him impeached. But don’t worry – they’ll nail him in a decade when he tries to steal back his football memorabilia.

On Sunday, Trump was Grand Marshal of the Daytona 500. When asked if it’s his favorite race, Trump said, “Nope – still whites.”

That’s right, Trump served as Grand Wizard – sorry, Grand Marshal of the Daytona 500. Incidentally, Daytona 500 is also the name of Trump’s bronzer.

That looks like if one of the drivers forgot to install a windshield.

But you could tell Trump was leading the pack, because instead of turning left, the drivers turned way too far to the right.

Yep, Trump led the racecars as Grand Marshal. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders led a parade of Jazzy scooters around a Marshall’s. “Please direct me to your knee sock irregulars!”

During a rally in Nevada, Bernie was interrupted by two women who removed their tops and poured milk all over themselves. On the bright side, Bernie was polling higher than he had in 60 years. 

Joe Biden said Mickey Mouse would beat Trump. But I’m pretty sure we’ve already got two other Disney characters taking care of that:

 Veteran reporter Sam Donaldson wrote an editorial where he endorsed Michael Bloomberg. While Donaldson’s hair endorsed acorns.

The Washington Post ran a big piece claiming that during the 90s, Bloomberg didn’t want his employees to get pregnant. So whenever sex was imminent, they just pictured Michael Bloomberg. 

Bloomberg is also quoted as saying if women wanted to be appreciated for their brains, they’d spend less time at Bloomingdales and more at the library. While if Bloomberg wanted clothes that fit, he’d spend more time at Gap Kids. 

This all began with a “joke” booklet that circulated for Bloomberg’s birthday in 1990, which included several offensive remarks – including a claim that his company’s computers were so advanced, they could give oral sex. Then his IT guy was like, “Is THAT why your disk drive was always jammed?”

Kind of gives new meaning to the phrase, “floppy drive.” BUT FOLKS!

Over the weekend, there was talk that Bloomberg was thinking of picking Hillary Clinton as his running mate. Even Mark Wahlberg’s character in “The Departed” was like, “Now THAT’S an ENDING!”

But Hillary was very grateful. She said if they win, she’d thank Bloomberg by sending him on a two-week, all-expenses-paid vacation to China. “Really breathe it in, Mike!”

Japan’s health minister is urging people to avoid crowds, so they don’t contract the deadly coronavirus. Which explains that new slogan: “Tom Steyer: You Won’t Get Sick At His Rallies.”

Amy Klobuchar had a strong showing in New Hampshire, and has now risen to third place. You can tell she’s happy, because she spent all weekend hurling champagne bottles at her staffers.

Klobuchar faced questions about her old stance that English should be the national language, saying “this was back in 2006” and she’s changed since then. For instance now, she’s running for president.

Another big story is that Trump fired off a series of tweets criticizing the recommended prison sentence for his ally Roger Stone. But they kind of lost prestige when he tweeted, “Also – will someone bring me some more toilet paper?”

The judge in Stone’s case has called for a phone hearing today. When he heard it was a phone hearing, Stone said, “But now how will people know I’m dressed like Willy Wonka at Burning Man?”

Attorney General William Barr is being called on to resign after he recommended a reduced sentence for Stone. And it only got worse when he declared the Houston Astros the 2020 World Series Champions.

Speaking of sports – all you really need to know is that the XFL is now officially America’s most respected athletic association.

The XFL had another big weekend. One of the cool new features is that you can listen in to what the coaches are saying on the sideline. It lets everyone watching at home feel like they’re the Patriots.

The big story is that baseball commissioner Rob Manfred is facing criticism for the soft punishments handed out to the Astros. Baseball viewers are furious – in fact, Manfred received angry calls from both of them.

Manfred said there was little evidence the Astros wore buzzers under their jerseys to steal signs. Then there was a buzz from under his blazer and he said, “I mean no evidence.”

I don’t want to say Manfred’s going soft, but he’s now allowing rebroadcast, retransmission, and accounts of the game with the implied written consent of Major League Baseball. (Now THAT’S a sports joke.)

Manfred is also being criticized for referring to the World Series Trophy as a “piece of metal.” Then he congratulated Derek Jeter for being inducted into “The Dead Guy Museum.”

NBA All-Star Weekend kicked off on Friday. Which means Chaka Khan should be finished with the National Anthem sometime tomorrow.

It was pretty rough. Take a look:

Shaq was like, “And you thought I shattered some backboards!”

Even the janitor was like, “That’s just too many keys!”

Saturday was the Slam Dunk Contest, and a lot of people are saying Orlando’s Aaron Gordon was cheated out of winning. And they might be right, since he lost by one point to Pete Buttigieg.

Then things got even worse when the All-Star Game was delayed when Michael Bloomberg tried to stop and frisk everybody.

The number one film at the box office over the weekend was “Sonic the Hedgehog.” But I had to leave early when I spilled Crystal Pepsi all over my Bugle Boys.

And a performance of the Broadway musical "Jagged Little Pill" was evacuated after someone deployed their pepper spray. Officials have narrowed it down to everyone seeing "Jagged Little Pill."

There’s a video that’s gone viral of a man punching the back of a woman’s seat on an American Airlines flight when she reclined “too far back.” Then Southwest said, “That’s whatcha get for having seats!”

Scientists in Dubai have created the first completely autonomous jetpack. As in, “Up in the sky – it’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…every woman leaving Dubai!”

A new study found that people take more pictures of their dog than they do their spouse. While cats secretly film you talking shit about your spouse.

At a zoo in Florida, an orangutan named Sandra celebrated her 34th birthday and Valentine’s Day with her new mate, Jethro. Then they watched “Marriage Story” and things have been weird ever since.

And a picture has gone viral of a mini service horse a passenger brought onto a plane:

Things were fun until the lady in front reclined, and the horse spent the entire flight kicking her seat.

That horse has an interesting name – “Neigh Mysterio.” BUT FOALS!

Parents in Santa Monica are upset after a pornographic video was shot inside a local library. And I don’t blame them, because that is no way for teens to find out about libraries.

And lastly, a new report finds that having sex with robots could cause psychological damage. And, the temporary closure of The Country Bear Jamboree. 

-Jon

Just Some Jokes 2.10.20

A lot happened over the weekend, but to sum up: Renée Zellweger won Best Actress, Joaquin Phoenix won Best Actor, Bong Joon-ho won Best Director and Joe Biden won Worst Gaffer.

At a rally in New Hampshire, Biden referred to a woman as a “dog-faced pony soldier.” Fun fact: the Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers are also the worst team in the XFL.

After a disastrous weekend, many are saying Biden will finish fifth in New Hampshire. Finishing fifth in Massachusetts? The Red Sox.

And the Oscars were last night, but they were a bit different this year. Instead of the orchestra playing people off when their speech ran long, Nancy Pelosi just tore it up.

Last night’s Oscars had no host or hostess. When asked where they got the idea, they said, “Friendly’s.” “Do I just…sit at the table with the least ice cream spilled on it, errrr…?”

The very first Netflix film from the Obamas’ production company, “American Factory” won an Oscar. When he heard that, Trump said, “Okay – release the pee tape. And I want Randy Newman to do a song!”

At one point, Utkarsh Ambudkar performed a freestyle rap about the show. Then Martin Scorsese said, “Now what the hell am I gonna do up there??”

During his speech after winning Best Actor, Joaquin Phoenix talked about how we artificially inseminate cows and steal their milk and their calves. Which raises the question: what the hell was he gonna talk about if he lost??  (That was the happy speech??)

That sounds like if Quentin Tarantino directed a Far Side cartoon.

And “Parasite” made history, when it became the first foreign language film to win Best Picture since “Rocky.”

After winning, director Bong Joon-ho said, “I’m ready to drink tonight.” Then he raced back to the mic and said, “But not milk!”

That’s right, the Oscar for “Best Picture” went to Parasite. While “Worst Picture” went to this:

Okay – maybe he HAS personally inspected North Korea’s nukes.

That’s what’s known as “Snooky” up front and “Wookie” in the back.

Man – even his TAN’S base is completely white.

Like the Easy-Bake Oven he was apparently trying to use, the picture blew up after Trump retweeted someone with under 200 followers and called the picture fake. Or as Eric put it, “OMG, he finally followed me!”

After the chaos at the Iowa Caucuses, Tulsi Gabbard is calling on the head of the DNC to step down. Gabbard said, “Isn’t it crazy how some people just don’t get the hint that everyone wants them to quit??”

Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg emerged as the two winners in Iowa. Which either gives us an intriguing ticket, or a weird sequel to “Looper.”

After being criticized for taking donations from billionaires, Buttigieg took at shot at Bernie’s own wealth, and said he’d be happy to accept a donation from him. Which is why today, he received a truckload of cough drops and Sweet’N Low packets.

While talking about education in New Hampshire, Bernie said there’s something “crazy” when baseball players can get contracts worth hundreds of millions, but teachers struggle to make 30,000. In response, teachers said, “Yeah – but we’re talking about Mookie, here.”

Yeah – the example he used to win over New Englanders this weekwas paying a baseball player. Then he said, “What I mean is, it’s a shame we can’t open more libraries just by bulldozing some Dunkinses!”

In order to cut payroll, the Red Sox traded their best player, Mookie Betts, to the Dodgers. Sox fans were throwing beer bottles and calling in to yell on talk radio – then they heard about the Mookie trade.

The Red Sox said, “We know this looks like another case of bad PR, thoughtless decisions and disrespecting African American ballplayers. Have a nice weekend.”

And President Trump said Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose should be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Incidentally, “Cincinnati Red” is also the setting on Trump’s tanning bed.

The revamped XFL was a big hit this weekend, and many credit its quick pace and straightforward rules. Which explains Vince McMahon’s next project: the XDNC.

And the cast of “Friends” is very close to reuniting for a special on HBOMax. When asked about the holdup, they said, “Marcel the Monkey is still on probation.”

A British Airways flight set an all-time speed record when it traveled from New York to London at 825 miles per hour. When asked if it was due to weather, pilots said, “No – one of the passengers brought a tuna fish sandwich.”

U.S. to London at 800-miles-per-hour. Also known as “the Reverse Prince Harry.”

But aviation experts say the captain of the plane is officially the fastest pilot ever. Then the ladies on “The Bachelor” said, “Think again…”

A former Satanic priest in New York says he actually went to Hell, where Satan tried to murder him, and decided to change his ways. Marking the least disturbing priest story in the past 20 years.

Band Standings

There is a new page on the banner on this site, and it is what it looks like: up to date standings of my favorite bands. Why on earth would I choose to share such meaningless and potentially embarrassing personal information? Aside from dodging the need for a 23andMe, it seems crucially apt on this week in particular - as there has been a first-time-ever change at the top.

And here’s why: LINK TO ARTICLE

Yes, it is true that without Mike Love’s Touring Beach Boys, I would not have my wonderful daughter. It is true that without Mike Love’s Touring Beach Boys, I would not have dragged my arthritic butt out of bed in 1999, speeding up my recovery and preventing (some) permanent physical damage. Yes, it is true that without Mike Love’s Touring Beach Boys, I wouldn’t have made great friends such as David and Carrie Marks, and Randell Kirsch. But, to quote the band henceforth usurping them, “This is Where It Ends.”

Mike Love has tarnished The Beach Boys name. And now that the Big Guy Himself has disavowed it, I feel safe in doing the same. “I’m a vegetarian.” “I’m into being kind to other living creatures.” “I’m politically neutral.” Save it. You have by not only agreeing to this gig - but STANDING BY IT - told us exactly who you are. And enough is enough. There are ENDLESS reasons to boycott a Mike Love’s Touring Beach Boys show. For starters, it only has two Beach Boys (while three would eagerly collaborate if given the chance). Additionally, Mike Love’s Touring Beach Boys has aligned itself politically in ways which are hard to ignore. But to condone trophy hunting at an event headlined by a guy who just mocked your cousin (you know - the guy who MADE you?)…I feel that stands on its own.

There are numerous reasons The Beach Boys have worn off for me as of late. But let’s make this the official one. While I can love and respect individuals and songs, the band as a whole has finally faded. In my mind, there is too much negativity associated with The Beach Boys to truly call them my "favorite.” But I’d be remiss not to thank them for helping me discover my “new” favorite (which has been my actual favorite for some time now). I was equally sad when their founders when their own separate ways - but at least they have remained on the same side of issues greater than music. And when they did reunite, they gave their fans a genuinely fun, memorable moment by which to remember that particular configuration. (And sorry, Mike - but the aforementioned daughter likes them more than you.)

In the meantime, HERE IS THE PETITION. Please sign it, as I have.

And here is how you honor your band’s name (however silly it may be): 🇨🇦

Just Some Jokes 2.3.20

Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs who won their first Super Bowl in 50 years! They were like, “Patrick Mahomes! You just won the Super Bowl – what are you gonna do next??” And he said, “Put on a surgical mask and fly to Disney World!”  

The Chiefs won by defeating Tom Brady’s former backup Jimmy Garoppolo. But this was nice – Brady got to watch his last drive while he was up peeing.

Before the game, Terry Bradshaw said he thought Jimmy Garoppolo might be better looking than Tom Brady. Even Mike Pence was like, “Aw heck no! (I wish you the best in your future endeavors, Felicia!”)

The game began with the Niners holding the Chiefs to a three-and-out. Then Senate Democrats said, “What’s your secret?”

But before kickoff was the ceremonial coin toss. The Chiefs called heads, the Niners called tails, and Andy Reid said, “Is that a chocolate coin??”

Now that he’s retired, Rob Gronkowski hosted a massive party before the Super Bowl. While across the street, Eli Manning staged a live reading of the iTunes user agreement.

Bill Belichick surprised everyone by attending Gronk’s Super Bowl party. When asked how he was doing the next morning, Belichick said, “We’re onto Tylenol.”

O.J. Simpson did not appear at the Super Bowl to be honored as part of the NFL 100. O.J. appreciated the invite, but felt it would be a distraction from his performance on “The Masked Singer.” (“Weird – that’s the fourth week in a row the Bronco’s sung ‘I Did It.’”)

J-Lo and Shakira performed a big halftime show with a theme of Latin pride. It broke all kinds of records online – and the SAP button on Trump’s remote. “Wait – am I married to one of them?”

After the game, President Trump sent a tweet congratulating the “Great State of Kansas.” When told it’s actually a city in Missouri, Trump sent another tweet congratulating “the Great City of Missouri.” “And better luck next year, San Fernando 69ers!”

Before the Super Bowl, Trump gave an interview to Fox News’ Sean Hannity. It gave people the chance to see some football and some softballs.

The big takeaway was that Trump called Bernie Sanders a dangerous communist. Man – if Trump isn’t careful, he might wind up in the next Democratic debate.

Yeah, now Democrats are turning on each other. An NBC reporter apparently heard John Kerry talking on the phone about entering the race to beat Bernie Sanders. While everyone heard the person on the other end snoring.

Trump also called Michael Bloomberg short, and said Bloomberg asked for a box to stand on during debates. Bloomberg denied any unfair treatment – aside from being allowed to be in the debates.

Trump’s impeachment trial seems to be winding down after the Senate voted 51-49 not to call any witnesses. Which is why Putin just put away his bag of disguises. “Hello – I am goateed White House tour guide in cowboy hat. I saw no things.”

Adam Schiff was expected to give some scathing final remarks that would highlight Trump’s negative legacy. Or as Trump’s lawyers explained it to him, “Hey, Schiff happens.”

And many are upset with John Bolton, for refusing to testify – instead, withholding crucial information that will be featured in his upcoming book. Which will be returned the next day by people saying, “Where were all the tips on diabetus?”

And an ice cream parlor on Long Island was forced by town officials to remove its pro-Trump campaign sign. However, it will continue to serve a flavor in his honor: Bitter Pumpkin Nut.

After Trump’s controversial response to the deadly coronavirus, Joe Biden referred to it as “hysterical xenophobia and fear-mongering.” And after using those words correctly, Biden felt his forehead and said, “Can someone take my temperature?”

Meanwhile, the TSA told airlines to “ask” passengers on international flights if they’ve been to China. Because I know when I’m faced with a deadly virus, I say, “Quick! Burst out the Honor System!”

Yesterday was Groundhog Day! Of course, many know it by the film about a reporter who gets up every day to cover the same erratic, underground figure – or as reporters call that now, “life.”

But the good news is, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole and did not see his shadow! The bad news: when someone coughed, he put on a surgical mask and went back down.

Yep, Punxsutawney Phil said spring will come six weeks early. Also saying that: science.

Despite some early buzz, the horror film “Gretel and Hansel” looks like it’ll just break even at the box office. You can tell producers are sad, because they spent all weekend eating Jerry & Ben’s. 

The first episode of the “Star Trek: Picard” shows Boston in the year 2399. Yep, it’s got futuristic lighting, an updated skyline, and a robot in a Patriots shirt saying, “Just one more year, Tom!” (It’s after the ad where Jordan’s Furniture offers sleep pods for a year if a Red Sox drone fires a no-hitter.)

And after 13 years, Peppa Pig is getting a new voice. “It’s been my absolute honor!” said actress Harley Bird. “I suspect there migh’a been a mistake!” said Michael Caine.

An extremely obese owl has been put on a strict diet so it can fly again. Without purchasing two seats.

They knew the owl had a problem when it used its kids to make an omelet.

The owl really knew it had to do something when it got up one morning, passing by framed pictures from its wedding day; the day it closed on its first home; its children’s graduations – its svelte owl figure, highlighted in each. Then finally, it caught a glimpse of itself in the bathroom mirror and, with a lump in its throat and tears in its eyes, asked, “Who?”

And lastly, wildlife officials warned that a roving band of feral, herpes-ridden monkeys is now roaming across Florida. Then Gronk said, “Do I know how to throw a party, or what??”

32 (24+8). As a Celtics fan, I will remain both bitterly resentful and eternally grateful to have had such a worthy, terrifying villain. And with all due respect to Antoine Walker, a shout-out to M.L. Carr, who would’ve made ONE right call, if allowed… 

Just Some Jokes 1.20.20

Sunday is the WWE Royal Rumble! Yep, 30 competitors, battling each other, to challenge a deranged Fiend. Or as Democrats put it,

“We good!”

Actually, if you missed the last debate, the Rumble’s got you covered:

“Whatcha gonna do when these six-inch, farm-raised freshwater eels shout over you??”

But this was major last night. The New York Times issued a joint-endorsement of Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar for President. So I guess Bernie was right – A woman won’t beat Trump. (Tag Team Prez!)

People were like, “This is an excellent moment for feminism, it’s a genuinely intriguing idea, and oh no Andy Cohen’s somehow involved with this, isn’t he?”

When speaking on Warren, the Times praised her “‘approach to policymaking,’ her skill in explaining her ideas, her commitment to overhauling the structures of government and her experience leveraging the tools of the executive branch” – but, “questions her message blaming American business for a wide array of societal problems.” You know – like, mixed messages from our RICHEST NEWSPAPER.

It was actually an amazing weekend. In New York City, women braved a snowstorm for the Women’s March. Not to be outdone, Trump got stuck in his seat at a screening of “Frozen 2.” “It’s okay – I’ll just wait here til ‘Frozen 3.’ Barbarino’s right – Dazeem is fantastic.”

And we are now just one year away from Inauguration Day. Or, one Fourth of July fistfight, Thanksgiving argument, and toppled Christmas tree away from shouting, “ONLY FOUR YEARS AWAY FROM INAUGURATION DAY!”

The other big story is the Kansas City Chiefs advancing to the Super Bowl, by defeating the Tennessee Titans. You knew the game was over when the Chiefs poured a bucket of A1 on Andy Reid.

The Chiefs will play the NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers. That means we could see 53 San Franciscans, posing in the Oval Office. Well, 54, if you count President Pelosi.

Yeah, the Niners won easily over the Green Bay Packers at Levi Stadium. Marking just the latest battle between Levis and people from Wisconsin. (Hey – I just stress-ate two bags of pretzels, no judging.)

And commercials during this year’s Super Bowl will cost 5.6 million dollars. Five million bucks for 30 seconds – or as it’s also known, “The Bob Kraft Special.”

But in nicer TV news – we’re all still enjoying the 50th Season of Sesame Street. I gotta say though – you can really tell some of the characters are getting older. For instance…

Speaking of TV. Peacock will stream episodes of “The Tonight Show” early, at 8 p.m. And Trump will move his new crazy tweet that screws up all the jokes about his last crazy tweet from 11:34 to 7:59.

Case in point: just when I thought I’d done literally everything to keep this dude’s tweets out of my feed…somehow, this shows up:

So Trump is now anti-walls. Even mimes are like, “MAKE UP YOUR   👉👌ING MIND DUDE!!”

Don’t worry. Tomorrow, Trump will claim he had a perfect phone call with King Triton. “I spoke to a VERY persuasive crab who assured me everything’s better down where it’s wetter. Take it from me.”

Yep, a regrettable, overpriced endeavor on the Hudson River. Or as I call it, “moving to Hoboken.” “Saturdays aren’t bad at all! You just take the PATH to Baltimore, stay in a hotel, then wait until Monday at EXACTLY when you start getting e-mails and also there’s no WiFi and Bane’s president.”

Then Trump said he wants people to get their mops and buckets. Then he kissed Melania goodnight – not realizing she was just a nightgown on a mop and a bucket.

Tomorrow’s the start of Trump’s Impeachment Trial – which means today is “Impeachment Eve.” And as a treat, Trump let each of his associates open one escapable jetpack early.

The President has assembled a legal “dream team” that includes Kenneth Starr, Alan Dershowitz and Rudy Giuliani. When asked who’ll take the lead, he said, “Hologram Johnnie Cochran.” “If the glove’s too BIG, acquit the WIG!”

Yeah, Ken Starr – the guy who led the impeachment case againstPresident Clinton – is now fighting the case against President Trump. Hillary was like, “Talk about someone who goes both ways!” Then Bill recommended “69% Happier” by Crystal Harris.

And the House called Trump’s behavior “the Framer’s worst nightmare.” Which is also how Trump described Eric’s yearbook pictures. “Can you make the laser beams go THROUGH him??”

Trump is expected to deliver his own briefs to the Senate chamber today. While it’s still anyone’s guess who’ll yell, “NO, NOT UNDERPANTS. (Also, where are your REGULAR pants??)”

Two of the central figures in the case are Ukrainian businessmen Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman – who of course rose to fame running a computer store next to the Letterman show.

A running joke has been how many times Rudy Giuliani has appeared in photographs with Parnas and Fruman. But if you’re keeping score, Rudy’s still appeared in zero mirrors.

The Impeachment trial will be led by seven House managers – the only managers left who haven’t been caught cheating at baseball.

It’s rumored that Astros star Jose Altuve used a vibrating pager in his jersey that signaled what pitches were coming. One meant fastball; two meant curveball; three meant his table was ready at Applebee’s.

Yeah, they’re saying Altuve used a pager; Mike Trout is on HGH; and worst of all? For the final five years of his consecutive games streak, Cal Ripken Jr. was played by Meryl Streep.

Meanwhile, ESPN analyst and Mets advisor Jessica Mendoza is under fire for criticizing the pitcher who came forward about the cheating. People were shocked – they said, “The Mets have advisors??” 

For his role in the cheating scandal, Mets manager Carlos Beltran was fired before he even coached a game. Said the Mets…

And Queen Elizabeth announced that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are no longer “working members” of the Royal Family. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, this hand isn’t going to just wave itself!”

The Queen said Harry will no longer be able to go by the title “Your Highness.” Then Harry heard Canada’s weed laws and said, “That’s what YOU think, Mrs. Doubtfire!”

In addition, they’ll have to pay back three million dollars spent renovating their home in the UK – Frogmore Cottage. Which explains why today, it was turned into a Señor Frogmore’s Cottage.

In her official statement, The Queen said, “We respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life as a family while remaining a valued part of my family.” But it felt less than genuine, since it ended with, “Sent from my iPhone.”

We’re now a week away from the Grammys – and an overwhelmingly historic favorite for Best Spoken Word.

The show will feature a performance from Aerosmith. But you can tell they’re getting up there, because Steven Tyler’s mic stand has switched to wearing a shawl.

It’ll also feature a performance from the Jonas Brothers – and their new rivals, *NCLINK.

“Bad Boys for Life” was the top film at the box office over the weekend. But it was a little weird when it opened with them riding around and an old lady behind me said, “When does the karaoke start?”

But the movie “Dolittle” had a rough time, and could lose 100 million dollars. On the bright side, it’s the first movie ever to be rated “Why?”

Yahoo ran an article on the space tourism race. Some think it’ll be Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic. Some think it’ll be Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin. While most think it’ll be two Southwest pilots reading that Yahoo article. “Uh – does Duluth have rings around it??” (Another shout out to Dan Harris.)

Kim Kardashian will star in a documentary about her first year studying to become a lawyer. Now comes the tough part: threeyears trying to find 12 jurors who don’t say, “Hey – you’re Kim Kardashian!”

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton is releasing her own documentary. It’s about the five minutes it took to find 12 jurors who said, “Uh – Heidi Montag?”

And lastly, The Daily Beast did a big article on the fight over a wealthy biochemist’s frozen head. His family said, “You guys promised to freeze the entire body forever!” While the lab said, “But we wanted to go bowling today!” 

Thank you,

Jon

JUST SOME JOKES 1.13.20

UPDATED: 5:55 p.m.

Well, between the Academy Awards and the Astros banging on that trashcan, it was a HUGE day for Oscars.

Today, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred released a 10-page report outlining all the ways the Houston Astros cheated to steal signs. People were like, “Sweet! Something to read the next time I’m at a baseball game.”

Major League Baseball has now banned teams from using live video feeds to steal signs. Which will backfire, when they learn that’s 80% of the people watching baseball.

One way the Astros cheated was banging on a trashcan to signal an off-speed pitch. The Mets were like, “If that’s what you use your trashcan for, where do you throw your scouting reports?”

Even though he was not directly involved with any cheating, Astros manager A.J. Hinch was fired simply for failing to report it. Then Mike Pence said, “Is it getting warm in here, Mother? Like really, really warm? Would you be offended if I undid my top button?”

It turns out Red Sox manager and former Astros coach Alex Cora was the brains behind a high-tech scheme to gain an unfair advantage over opponents. So I guess Guerrero wasn’t the only Vladimir he learned from.

After Hinch was fired and suspended for one year, many expect Cora to face the ultimate punishment: one week managing the Orioles.

Some say if the Red Sox cheated, it should erase their World Series win in 2018. Then Sox fans said, “That’s okay – we forgot all about it when they lost their first game in 2019.”  “I HOPE YOU ALL DROWN IN THE RIVAHHHH!!!”

It’s pretty embarrassing for Boston. When asked about both the Patriots and Red Sox getting busted, Danny Ainge was already living in Mexico under the name Chip Diffler.

Speaking of basketball. On Saturday, I went with my daughter to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, MA. Everybody was so nice. The guy who took our tickets said, “Let me know if you need any help!” and I said, “Thanks, Mr. Pitino!”

But they had exhibits on everything – from Larry Bird’s battles on he parquet, to Michael Jordan’s battles on the hardwood, to Kevin Durant’s battles on Twitter.

I have to say, the entrance was a little…odd. I was expecting something more regal or flamboyant, but take a look at the view from the parking lot. This is a real picture I took before we went in:

 On the bright side, we were able to see two shrines dedicated to Charles Barkley. 

That’s where Sheryl Swoops meets Tuna Scoops.

There’s a lot of construction going on at the Hall. This spring, they’re opening a new wing dedicated to beverages thrown onto the floor at Celtics games. “Look! Sully’s seltzah!”

Actually, if you’re a Celtics fan, you can buy a book on the 40 Greatest Celtics of All-Time. And if you’re a Nets fan, you can buy a book on the 40 Greatest Celtics of All Time.

It was a bit odd spending the day inside, because it was nearly 70 degrees in the middle of January. I think the basketball people are worried too, because they introduced a new team called “The Globeswimmers.”

It’s not an ideal time for warm weather. I’m still trying to lose the weight I gained during the Honda Days, so I’m in good enough shape to run a Toyotathon, but it feels like we’re headed towards an endless Subaru Summer.

Don’t worry, though. They say things should return to normal, thanks to the cold front coming from Queen Elizabeth.

By now, you’ve heard about Prince Harry and Meghan Markel leaving the Royal Family – or as Prince Andrew calls it, “DEFINITELY THE ROYAL SCANDAL WE SHOULD ALL BE FOCUSED ON RIGHT NOW!” 

Leave it to England, right? I mean, even their version of “Succession” is funnier than ours. (Which is really funny! Love and respect to all involved!)

Yeah, Harry and Meghan are leaving the Royal Family for North America, where they’ll be “financially independent.” And really, what says “2020” like a Royal Prince working at Burger King or Dairy Queen? (In the Line of Succession, he’s not high enough for White Castle. But who is?) #TAG

Evidently, Harry decided he wanted to quit his family just after the holidays. You can read all about it in the new book, “Royals: They’re Just Like Us.”

Many think Meghan will be just fine, despite breaking up a British institution. “Okay!” laughed Yoko.

Actually, Meghan’s got some things in the works, and has already signed a deal with Disney. And really – what better place to go when you’re tired of playing a princess than Disney? “And no singing!”

It’s also rumored Meghan could star in a reality show. Instead of yelling, “I didn’t come here to make friends!” she’ll say, “I did not arrive to court curtsies!”

Yeah, Meghan may get her own reality show. And not to be outdone, Prince Harry just placed fifth in a Ron Weasley lookalike contest.

Right now, Harry and Meghan plan to spend time in Canada. And you can tell the Queen’s desperate to keep them, because instead of tea and crumpets, she’s switched to Tim Horton’s and bear claws. “Pity the Leafs won’t take it this year, eh?”

Yeah, a member of the Royal Family moving to Canada. Marking the first time hockey players are like, “Get a load of the teeth on that guy…”

Apparently, there was a tense four-way conference call between Harry, Charles, Elizabeth and Prince William. It got even worse when the Queen got there first and heard the hold music.

Queen Elizabeth was said to be shocked, shaken and alarmed when she heard Harry was leaving. So, Prince Charles told her 10 more times. “He’s LEAVING, Mum! Won’t be HERE ANYMORE, Mum! Won’t hear him say BOO! Mum…BOO!”

But the Queen’s really upset, and spokespeople for the Royal Family warned that Harry could be punished. Which explains why today, William was walking around with a head full of red hair.

It came out that Prince Harry has been advised by his personal friend, President Obama. While Queen Elizabeth received guidance from her old babysitter, Bernie Sanders.

But the whole thing doesn’t make any sense to me. I mean really – who just walks away from everything to move up north with his wife?

Still, you can understand Harry being frustrated. In the Line of Succession, he’s ahead of his son Archie, and behind Peppa Pig.

Apparently, Harry sent Prince Charles a proposal a couple weeks ago, but was told his father needed more time to think about it. Donald Trump Jr. was like “Your dad reads your proposals??” While Eric said, “Your dad gives you his address? Because I’ve looked, and there’s no 1313 Mockingbird Lane.”

Actually, you can tell President Trump’s a little confused about the situation. When he heard Harry was leaving, he said, “Does this mean he won’t be in the Royal Rumble? Either way – I still pick Doink.”

Let’s see how people are reacting to that Royal Family runner:

President Trump’s impeachment trial could begin next week. Marking the first trial where the defendant tries to get out of it by being racist. “Have I offended the Eskimos yet??”

After Iran admitted to “accidentally” shooting down a Ukrainian airliner, many are calling on Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to quit. So don’t be surprised when you see him playing Santa in a Hallmark Channel movie with Meghan Markle. 

And Israel has reportedly created a laser system designed to intercept weapons of mass destruction. Yeah, a laser that prevents bombs– people were like, “How the hell do you explain ‘Cats’??”

Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin oversaw a hypersonic missile test in Crimea. You could never ask Trump to do that, because he thinks “hypersonic” means “excited hedgehog.”

Bernie Sanders was on the “Today” show when he ran into someone familiar. Take a look:

So I guess there is a white people version of “Us.” 

You’ll know there’s been a terrible mix-up when the State of the Union is just 45 minutes on zippers. “I say we put ‘em on shoes! Look: we put ‘em on shirts! We put ‘em on pants! What about the feet?? Beats Velcro! Because with Velcro, you have to deal with that awful TEAR! Gotta say – not a big fan of the tear! Anyone here a double-knotter? Gonna letcha in on a little secret: the TRIPLE-knot. Huh? How ‘bout THAT?”

But Elizabeth Warren said she’s disappointed to hear Bernie Sanders has been urging his supporters to “trash” her. Which isn’t surprising, since they’ve already recycled Bernie.

This all started when there were reports Bernie was sharing a script on how to criticize Warren. So if nothing else, just enjoy the idea of Bernie Sanders trying to use Final Draft. “How can I be on Page 11 of 10?? This whole thing is rigged!!” #WGAStaffingBoost

And Judge Judy announced that she will endorse Michael Bloomberg for president. She’s not the only daytime star getting involved – today, Trump asked surprised Don Jr. with a DNA test on “Maury.” “Don’t worry about Eric – he’s just a robot that got left in the rain.”

And Cory Booker announced he is dropping out of the race in a video he posted online. Then he came back a few hours later and said, “Come on guys - let’s get this up to 100 views by Friday!”

FX says its series about the Clinton-Lewinsky affair has been delayed. It sounds good though – Lewinsky will be played by Beanie Feldstein, while Bill Clinton will be played by Bill Clinton. 

It came out that surveillance footage of Jeffrey Epstein’s first suicide attempt was deleted by mistake. When pressed about footage of his final suicide, officials said, “Yeesh – you guys are pushier than his murderer!” 

Speaking of movies, Oscar Nominations came out today! “Joker” led the way with 11. That includes “Best Actor,” “Best Picture,” “Best Director” and “Please Explain ‘Rock and Roll Part 2.’” 

Joaquin Phoenix was nominated for Best Actor. Which would mark the first acceptance speech where Matthew McConaughey says, “Didn’t understand a word.” “Okay – so time is actually like an octagon. And it’s up to all of us to sand the corners of that octagon…”

Female filmmakers were completely shut out of the Best Director race. People in Hollywood said, “That’s a disgrace!” – then got back to donating to Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg.

“Marriage Story” received six nominations, including one for Best Picture. It’ll be weird if it wins and the producers are like, “Love you, Dylan – now go to bed!” “Come on, it’s the Oscars – let him stay up!” “WHY DON’T YOU EVER SUPPORT ME??”

“The Irishman” was also nominated for Best Picture. And given the age of everyone involved, they’ll announce that it won at the beginning and hope everyone makes it to the stage by the end. “Uh oh – Pacino’s wandering into the orchestra pit…”

Actually, “The Irishman” received 10 nominations. Which could mark the first time an Oscar-winning movie is actually longer than the Oscars.

Also nominated: the film “Jojo Rabbit,” about a child whose imaginary friend is Hitler. Then Trump said, “You guys can see Putin too, right?”

The song “Into the Unknown” from “Frozen 2” is up for Best Original Song. Which will be great when a confident John Travolta carefully says, “And now to perform it – Idina…Covfefe!”

After Adam Sandler’s film “Uncut Gems” was snubbed by the Academy, he’s apparently planning to make “the worst movie ever” to get back at voters. Then someone who saw “Cats” said…

Receiving six nominations was “Little Women.” Also known as “The reason she let you choose ‘Joker,’ ‘The Irishman,’ and ‘Ford vs. ‘Ferrari.’”

That’s right, another film up for Best Picture is Ford vs. Ferrari. Not to be confused with that other story: “Edelman vs. Mercedes.”

Patriots star Julian Edelman was arrested in California after jumping onto a moving Mercedes and damaging it. On the bright side, it’s the first tackle a Patriot’s made all month.

And Tom Brady released a statement saying he’s not done with professional football – and some insiders are saying he could play for the Cleveland Browns. Fans were like, “Well – which is it?”

But O.J. Simpson tweeted that Brady will be back with the Patriots. In fact, he’d bet Brady’s life on it.

Actually, O.J. said he had an argument about it with some other guys at a barbershop. But personally, I have more questions for the guys who argued with O.J. in the presence of scissors and razors.

In the past, O.J. has referred to Brady as the greatest quarterback ever – ahead of Peyton Manning. Which is surprising, because you’d think O.J. would pick the white Bronco.

But right now, everyone’s excited for the Playoffs. In fact, the White House released a statement saying “We can’t wait for the [Niners/Packers/Chiefs/Titans] to visit President [Trump/Pence]!”

Of course, the 49ers are led by quarterback Jimmy Garroppolo. So look forward to them winning it all, and Trump preemptively uninviting Janeane Garofalo.

During their win over the Seahawks, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers could be heard shouting the audible, “Yellow weasel! Yellow weasel!” Then out of habit, Mitch McConnell said, “Yeah?”

The Ravens were like, “Idiot – you’re supposed to get drunk BEFORE the game.” 

The big story was the Titans upset over the Ravens. And a podcast resurfaced where Titans coach Mike Vrabel said he would cut off his penis in exchange for his team winning the Super Bowl. And you thought it was weird seeing Curt Schilling’s bloody sock in the Hall of Fame.

Yeah – he said he’d cut off his manhood for a Super Bowl win. You know football’s getting rough when even coaches are getting sacked.

And I guess we can forget about him coaching the Trojans. (Or going long inside Beaver.)

Let’s see what people are saying about that Mike Vrabel runner…

A company has introduced cardboard beds for the 2020 Summer Olympics that can only hold two people at a time. Or in other words – no triathlons.

The Washington Post ran an article on how men in the tech world feel pressure to have cosmetic surgery. Then Bill Gates said, 

Speaking of turtles. A tortoise that had enough sex on the Galapagos Islands to save his species from extinction is finally returning home. Or as he told his wife, “Eh, you know how these conferences are – bunch of boring speeches, trying to sell you a tank-share in Florida. Anyway…night!” 

Yeah, just one turtle is responsible for 40% of an island’s turtle population. And I guess he did it by using he pickup line, “How’d you like a guy who’s cool, rude and a party dude?”

A New Jersey mom says Amazon shipped an order of diapers were filled with urine and feces. New Jersey officials immediately removed the dirty diapers, and threw them in the street where they belong.

Jon

JUST SOME JOKES 1.6.20

The Golden Globes were last night! Yep, a live event where the live crowd gets drunker as the night goes on – or as that’s now known, “The State of the Union Address.”

Charlize Theron presented the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Tom Hanks – who has recently played Captain Phillips, Captain Sully, Walt Disney and Mr. Rogers. Then at the end of her intro, Charlize tore off her wig and said, “Surprise – it’s me, Tom Hanks!”

During his acceptance speech, Quentin Tarantino gave a shout-out to his unborn child. If it’s a girl, Tarantino can’t wait to hear her first word – then tell her never to speak again.

There was some controversy when not one female director or screenwriter was nominated for a Golden Globe. Which explains why each nominee got lost on the way to the show. (Come onnnnnnnnnn! If I DON’T make that joke, how many thousands WILL?)

Despite being heavily favored, Meryl Streep did NOT win for her role in “Big Little Lies,” losing to Patricia Arquette. Putin was like, “Even I am not THAT crazy. Hands clean, bro!”

When Brad Pitt won for “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood,” his ex-wife and “Friends” star Jennifer Aniston apparently stood up and clapped. But accounts differ as to whether she clapped four times or five times. (It’s FOUR and HAS ALWAYS BEEN FOUR.)

The Apple TV+ series “The Morning Show” was completely shut out. Which is just as well, because if Apple won, they’d just click “Accept” without reading their speech.

It was tricky because there are so many shows and movies that blur the line between drama and straight-up comedy - you know, just like the Patriots on Saturday.

Two of the big winners last night were “Parasite” and “Fleabag.” Then Trump said, “But how did their sister Ivanka do?”

As usual, many criticized the show, saying they wish people could keep politics out of award shows. Then people said, “How ‘bout we keep TV hosts out of politics?”

On Thursday night, President Trump launched an air strike on Iran. It got worse when he pressed the red button on his desk and said, “That’s weird – someone’s supposed to bring me a Coke. Wait, I did WHAT?? Quick, get me impeached! I already AM?? Quick, tell them about the porn star! They already KNOW?? Quick, get me impeached! I already AM??…”

That’s right, the U.S. bombed Iranian General Qasem Soleimani. Even crazier – they did it just by dropping a bunch of “Cats” screeners on him.

Instead of immediately commenting on the strike, Trump just tweeted out a picture of the American flag. He would’ve typed more, but he said he had bone spurs in his thumbs.

But later on, Trump gave a speech where he stood behind his decision, and said he hopes everyone in Iran learns a lesson from the death of General “Quesadilla Salami.”

Soleimani was killed as he departed the airport in Baghdad. Witnesses described the road as completely destroyed, while the airport was described as “bad, but not LaGuardia bad.”

Yeah, Soleimani was killed right after getting off an airplane. If that’s not bad enough – the captain shut off the TVs just as he got to the ending of “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.” “Ugh, why did I waste an hour watching ‘Below Deck’??”

The strike caught the media completely by surprise. CNN thought the only guy who’d get bombed on New Year’s was Don Lemon.

And over on Fox News, Geraldo Rivera harshly criticized Trump’s decision, earning scorn from many of his colleagues. But then he dyed his hair blonde and they gave him a raise.

A lot of people are comparing Trump’s decision to George W. Bush’s call to invade Iraq. They might have a point, because today, Trump was wearing that “Mission Accomplished” banner as a necktie. “It’s a LITTLE short. Sad!”

Yeah, people are comparing the strike on Iran to the Iraq War. The only difference is that this time, Baghdad Bob is on our side.

Iran raised a red flag over a mosque, signaling that a major war is coming. When asked if a war is in fact coming, Trump said, “That’s up to the groundhog and his shadow.”

Iran also called Trump a “terrorist in a suit.” While I still say he’s two six-year-olds in a suit.

People also noted that 20 years ago, President Clinton attacked Iraq while he was being impeached. The similarities with Trump don’t end there, as neither has spoken to Hillary since the election.

Democrats acknowledged that Soleimani was a murderer, responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans. Then prison officials said, “Thousands and one, if you count Epstein. Er, uhh, what??”

Chris Christie defended Trump’s airstrike, saying you need to use force to get through to Iran. Marking the first time Christie’s ever said the words “I ran.”

Last week in New Hampshire, Tulsi Gabbard went surfing in freezing waters. You knew it was cold because when she got out, people said, “Good luck in the primaries, Bernie!”

And Marianne Williamson laid off her entire campaign staff. In response her staff said nothing, as they’re just a circle of moon rocks.

Pete Buttigieg said if elected president, he would decriminalize meth, cocaine and ecstasy. Well – there’s ONE election where we won’t have to wait for results from Florida. “PRESIDENT FOR LIFE! PRESIDENT FOR LIFE!”

But you kinda knew Mayor Pete’s drug stance, since his last speech was just 40 minutes of trying to say “Buttigieg.”

A new survey on GOP favorites for 2024 had some surprises, with Donald Trump Jr. getting 29 percent of the vote, and Ivanka getting 16 percent. While Eric just ate the survey.

Lindsey Graham wants to start Trump’s impeachment trial without articles Nancy Pelosi’s withholding. When he heard Graham wants to eliminate articles, Trump said, “I made the same pitch to Playboy.”

Meanwhile, Trump seems to be shrugging it off, and has even told supporters there was no impeachment. Personally, I find it sad when someone’s in a sad state of denial. Anyway, here’s a bunch more monologue jokes!

Genuinely, it’s been fun hearing from people reading these. If you’re someone saying, “Hey, check these out!” – yes, please do. And to those saying “Look at this loser” – yes, please do! Would love to stay in New York. But if it ends up being LA? I’ll share an Uber from the airport with Tom Brady.

Last night, the Patriots lost in the first round of the Playoffs – which robbed their dynasty of a happy ending. “Speak for yourself!” said Robert Kraft. 

But it does seem like the Patriots are all going their separate ways. Especially at his press conference, when Bill Belichick said this: 

Belichick was angry when Titans coach and former Patriot Mike Vrabel used a loophole to run down the game clock, just like Belichick. Belichick said, “Hey – do as I mumble, not as I [unintelligible].”

And you could tell Tom Brady was upset by the loss. After the game, he only kissed his son on the hand.

It seems like Patriots fans have mixed emotions on Brady’s future. Bill Simmons thanked Brady for two decades of memories; Randy Moss said he should push for changes or leave; and Elizabeth Warren said he should stay a Patriot, but say he’s a Redskin.

But it looks like Brady’s leaving, after he slashed eight million dollars off the asking price for his Massachusetts home. While Rob Gronkowski chose to look for a new home when his party bus ran out of White Claws. “Do I gotta pay for closets if I don’t own any shirts??”

The Atlanta Hawks’ Vince Carter made history by becoming the first NBA player to play in four different decades. You can tell he’s old since he asked them to add a Cardigan Cannon.

Celtics rookie Tacko Fall is currently one of the top vote getters for the All-Star Game, despite only playing just 11 minutes. Of course, most are just voting for him ironically, as a joke – so let me be the first to congratulate President Tacko!

Some sad news: former NBA Commissioner David Stern passed away at 77. And as Stern crossed over to the other side, God greeted him by saying, “…Did you suspend Jordan for gambling or what?? Come on, tell me! Even my SON’S comeback was less suspicious!”

At the Sentry Tournament of Champions, golfer Patrick Cantlay was caught on a hot mic saying “Two more holes, and I can get a Mai Tai.” John Daly was like, “You got it backwards kid – before each hole, you drink two Mai Tais!”

Yeah, Cantlay was caught talking trash on a hot mic. Then Tiger Woods said, “Exactly how hot is this mic?”

There’s a new device called the GoGolf GPS, which tells you how hard to swing and where your ball winds up landing. And if you act now, they’ll throw in another device that tells you where in the woods you threw your GoGolf GPS.

Pope Francis had to apologize after he slapped a woman’s hand away on New Year’s Day. Yeah, a Pope giving slaps on the wrist – which was also the premise of “Spotlight.”

That’s right, the Pope slapped a woman who latched onto him during a handshake. It got even worse when he said, “Sorry, but my wife gets very jealous.”

Tom Brokaw says he was lucky to escape a fire in his New York City apartment building. Apparently, Brokow said, “Hhhhhholy Hhhhhell it’s hhhhhot in hhhhere! Hhhhhhow the hhhheck do I hhhhinder this hhhhorrible hhhhazard??”and blew it out all by himself. “Hhhhallelujah! I’m Hhhhappier than Hhhharry Hhhhoudini!”

In a new interview, Meat Loaf claimed that climate activist Greta Thunberg had been brainwashed. But to be honest, I have fewer questions for him than I do the reporter who asked Meat Loaf about Greta Thunberg. “Let’s see…‘Bat out of Hell’…fist-fight with Gary Busey…oh, I have to get your take on this teenage climate activist…”

A new poll found that two out of five Millennials can’t solve a single household problem without using Google. While the rest said, “Holy crap – you have a house??”

The Strokes have confirmed that they’re putting out a new album this year, despite some critics feeling like people have had enough of The Strokes. “Speak for yourself!” said Robert Kraft. 

There was a scary moment on Saturday when a Delta plane skidded off the runway in Wisconsin. Thankfully, it came to a slow and steady stop when it collided with someone from Wisconsin.

A Utah man was shocked to find a McDonald’s cheeseburger he’d purchased back in 1999 in his jacket pocket, still in perfect condition. The man said there were little clues, like a slight aroma – oh, and everywhere he went, dogs “humped the piss” out of him.

A naked Florida man who was high on meth bit a K-9 police dog. Or if you’re trying to save space on your headline, “A Florida man met a dog.”

And lastly, a teen in Louisiana tore open the testicles of a man who was angry after a bad day at work. But on the bright side? Day off from work!

Aussies rule, mate. Always a blast for standup, were super fun when I was doing mono rehearsal warmup, but man are they having a tough time. Here is a LINK WHERE YOU CAN DONATE.

And here⚡s a reminder of one of the awesome things they gave us:

JUST SOME JOKES (And Other Stuff) 12.29.19

I hope you had a great Christmas! If you spent the day with loved ones, hopefully you had fun. And if you spent the day alone – well, that’s your fault for going to see “Cats.”

But I wanted to create the most authentic Santa experience possible for my daughter. So before going to bed, we put out a plate of cookies, scratch-off tickets and a tall boy Surge. “Santa’s had a tricky year!”

You have to be careful, because there’s nothing more awkward than your kids coming down to find you putting presents under the tree. Except for the day after Christmas, when you bump into your mom at Kohl’s exchanging the gifts you gave each other.

But in all seriousness, a safety PSA: if you’re sending an Edible Arrangement to a loved one, do not order one with chocolate for when the dog ends up eating the whole thing out of the garbage. 

Donald and Melania Trump released a video message where the president called for peace, and said, “Joy to the World.” Then he said, “I was given those beautiful words by someone named Jeremiah – who was truly one of THE BEST bullfrogs. VERY classy bullfrog. And he was a good friend of mine.”

The President said for Christmas, he gave Melania a card. Which isn’t shocking, since that’s also how he got her to marry him.

Yeah, Donald gave Melania a card for Christmas. And when he wasn’t looking, Melania grabbed some mittens meant for their granddaughter and wrote “To Donald.” “Pinkalicious! How’d you know??”

In the meantime, Trump criticized California and New York for their homelessness problem, and said the state’s governors should call and ask for his help. Then they said, “Cool – then we’ll help you when you get kicked out of your home.”

Yeah, it was an awkward holiday at the White House. Especially when a staffer gave Trump an ornament that said “Baby’s Last Christmas.”

And that’s not all. In Canada, Trump was cut out of a broadcast of “Home Alone 2.” While another film had to cut out a scene featuring Rudy Giuliani.

A reporter says that just last week alone, she got three butt-dials from Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani said, “Look, I had to sit on a lot of Santas’ laps til one promised me a pardon.”

Tonight was the last night of Hanukkah. That’s right, eight days and eight nights - which is also my review for “The Irishman.”

As a Catholic, I was always jealous of the foods served at Hanukkah. I’m pretty sure Christmas Eve Mass is the only birthday party where the guest of honor’s also the meal.

If you’re celebrating Hanukkah, you make loukoumades, latkes and sufganiyot. Then you say, “Okay - which, car is Mel Gibson’s?”

Children received the chocolate coins known as “Gelt.” Kids had a tough choice this year: “Do I eat the gelt, or do I use it to buy something at Sears?” “What ya got, three coins?? Here’s a lawnmower!! WE’RE BACK, BABY!!”

A winter storm hit the Northeast. So instead of driving, do the safe thing and stand next to your mailbox and let one of the city’s snowplows drag you to your destination.

But meteorologists in New York City predict New Year’s Eve will be somewhere around 50 and just a little bit foggy – you know, like Don Lemon.

That’s right, tomorrow is New Year’s Eve! So finally, a chance to see some guys drop a ball without being yelled at by Tom Brady.

Over a million people are expected to fill Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But to be fair, half of them first started trying to cross the street back in September.

If you’re watching from home: CNN will air its “New Year’s Eve Live” special, NBC will air Carson Daly’s “New Year’s Eve 2020,” and Fox News will deny that it’s New Year’s Eve.

I saw that “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” will feature Alanis Morissette, Sheryl Crow, Green Day and Salt-N-Peppa. Which explains the sign that says “Happy 1994!”

According to the New York Post, one of the big trends for 2020 is “Smishing,” where you get a text reporting suspicious activity on your debit card – then when you click the link, you get hacked. In fact, Rudy Giuliani has already butt-smished away his entire life-savings. 

They also said one of the hottest trends in 2020 will be milk baths. Then the makers of “Cats” said, “See? We were just ahead of our time!”

Well, after all the bad reviews, Universal rereleased “Cats” with “improved visual effects.” Then 30 seconds in, critics said, “This is just ‘Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.’”

And the Democrats kept campaigning over the holidays. Bernie Sanders said that if Joe Biden is the nominee, Trump will “eat his lunch.” Then Bernie said, “But I do NOT have that problem, because Trump would have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in a cup of prune stew and 12 cans of Ensure!!”

Biden sparked an uproar on the left when he said he’d consider choosing a Republican running mate to go against President Trump. But people settled down when he released a new logo that said “Biden/Melania 2020.”

President Obama listed his favorite movies of 2019. The first two were “The Irishman” and “Parasite,” while third place was a tie between “every movie that’s not ‘Cats.’”

Tulsi Gabbard is struggling in the Democratic race after voting “Present” during Trump’s impeachment inquisition. It’s pretty bad – the most famous person at her last fundraiser was Michael C. Jordan.

Hey, speaking of Michael Jordans…

🚨(SPORTS JOKE ALERT: THIS IS A SPORTS JOKE) ESPN released the trailer for its new 10-part documentary on the 1998 Chicago Bulls. 10 hours on a single season. Even Marv Albert was like, “No!” (THIS HAS BEEN A SPORTS JOKE; THAT WAS A SPORTS JOKE)🚨

The series includes interviews with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Phil Jackson…and Justin Timberlake. Then Timberlake looked around and said, “Shit – am I Chris Kirkpatrick??”

7-foot-5 Celtics center Tacko Fall served as guest conductor for the Boston Pops – and at one point, he did a pop-and-lock and a 360 spin. People were like, “Down in front!” While the guy who spent 40 years mastering the cello said, “This is as down as I’ll ever be.”

Tom Brady played what may have been his last regular season game for the Patriots. Brady couldn’t wait to tell his grandchildren all about it when they drove him home from the game.

Antonio Brown was reportedly close to signing with the New Orleans Saints. People said, “Can you imagine an alleged sex offender becoming a Saint??” “What do you mean imagine?” said the Vatican.

The Cleveland Browns fired their head coach, Freddie Kitchens. Which means now, Freddie Kitchens will go back to his old job as a chef in “Goodfellas.”

And the Cleveland Cavaliers are discussing trades to send All-Star Kevin Love to a different team. Then Love’s Uncle Mike said, “Why don’t you just cut all your teammates and call yourself the Cavaliers?”

Actually, Mike Love’s touring “Beach Boys” are scheduled to play for three straight nights at the Hollywood Bowl this July. Critics are calling it “the hostage situation of the summer.”

Speaking of music, it’s time for…

🎈🎈RINE’S FINE NINE OF NINETEEN!🎈🎈

Starting off the countdown at Number Nine, the only band with two songs in this year’s Rine’s Fine Nine. Channeling our collective mood for the past three years, it’s The Black Keys with “Lo/Hi.”

Next is a band named after the GOP Healthcare Plan. At Number Eight, it’s White Reaper with “Might Be Right.” 

This next song is our Long Distance Dedication. It reads, “Dear John” – goddamn it you guys, no H! Anyway…“I’m writing after a fight I had with my horse. We’ve been friends a long time, and it feels as though our friendship has grown stag-nant. Get it? Ah shit, stag means male DEER. Well either way, I know he likes to read your jokes while he’s pissing between video blogs. Is there any way you could play a song that lets him know I’ve got big plans for us to travel in 2020 – all the way down to a specific road?” Of course I can do that. Coming in at Number Seven is Lil Nas X with “Old Town Road.”

 At Number Six – a newcomer to my iTunes, and to answer your question, “Only if I forgot my ear buds.” Here’s Sam Fender with, “Will We Talk?”

At Number Five – an OLD favorite making NEW friends! This song might be even higher, but it starts to wear on you by the 27th listen (and dance!) with your child. Here’s Dave Grohl Feat. Elmo & Big Birdwith “Here We Go Song.”

At Number Four, the only band with two songs – shit, already used that intro. Anyway, here’s The Black Keys again with “Go.” 

Critics are split on Number Three. Some say it’s “Yowie,” others say it’s “Wowie!” I say all that matters is that Mercy the Buzzard was at his funniest at Madison Square Garden. Someone should warn Paul McCartney to get his “tail all tied in a knot,” because this isn’t Uncle Ernie or Auntie Gin. It’s The Fiend, pal! Here’s Code Orange with “Let Me In.”

And that brings us to Number Two. Again, in the year 2019. Not high school. Not college. When I’m in my 30s, in 2019. With Rineman’s Number Two Song of ’19, it’s Guster with “Overexcited.”

See? A full list that doesn’t feature a single one of the Three B’s. And…uh oh, never mind…At NUMBER ONE…🇨🇦

I saw that officials in New York City are trying to locate a wild raccoon that’s loose inside the subway. While the rats are like, “This is why we need to build a wall!!”

A survey found that in 2019, the most popular name for dogs in New York City is “Chicken.” Then KFC said, “You know, that’s ironic, because…uhhh, never mind!”

☠️(WORST JOKE WARNING: THERE MAY BE WORSE, BUT I THINK THIS IS THE WORST JOKE)Last week, Tom Hanks was offered Greek citizenship. I guess that explains his new movie, “Turner & Zeus.” (THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST JOKE – YOU WERE WARNED)☠️

There’s a lot of big news stories right now, so that brings us to a new segment called: 📰JOURNALISM!📰

This has been 📰JOURNALISM!📰

On Friday, Disneyland had to stop selling tickets when it reached its maximum capacity. The next day Dads said, “Wow! It’s a good thing we went there right before it, uh…BURNED DOWN FOREVER.”

But, Disneyland was crowded. In fact, it was so crowded, those singing kids were like, “Now this world’s too damn small!”

It was so crowded, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride enforced surge pricing.

It was so crowded at the Hall of Presidents, Franklin Roosevelt stood up and walked out.

It was so crowded, the Haunted Mansion said, “Well, there’s USUALLY room for one more...”

It was so crowded, instead of singing “Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test!” Lumière sang, 🎶“Motel 6! Motel 6! Keep your shoes on! They’ve got ticks!”🎶

Let’s see what people are saying about that Disney runner…

Some sad news: shock-jock Don Imus passed away at the age of 79. An impressive lineup of speakers at Imus’ funeral will be told to “shut the hell up” by Don Imus.

Despite his controversies, Imus was very philanthropic. But it was awkward when he got to Heaven and St. Peter said, “I’m a little backed up – check in with my colleague, Harriet Tubman.”

And lastly, officials in Massachusetts say that marijuana sales brought in 420 million dollars this year. Stoners couldn’t stop laughing – at the “ass” in Massachusetts.

Hey! Looking for something to do New Year’s Eve? Come by The Comedy Studio in Somerville, MA where I’ll be on the last show of the year at 10 p.m.

See you next week?

Jon

Just Some Jokes (The Art Formerly Known as The Jonologue)

Last night was the first night of Hanukkah, and Wednesday is Christmas! Which means it’s that special time of year when people I’ve known over two decades say, “Hey, Happy…Week, Rineman! Hope you and the family light the…decorative symbolic object!” (Just one of many times I relate to Vin Diesel.)

But millennials are very excited. We all can’t wait to get up early, go outside, and put a big, red bow on our UberPool.

Everything’s a little off this year, and it felt like even the classic holiday movies were different. Like that part in “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” when the Abominable Snowman invites everyone into his cave for a wine tasting with Pete Buttigieg.

Months after the company filed for bankruptcy, 50 Cent gave his son an entire Toys ‘R’ Us for Christmas and said he could pick out anything he wanted. Like this pack of coyotes fighting over a Furby…or that pack of coyotes fighting over a Furby!

Actually, today and tomorrow are the last two days to visit Santa at the mall. Which makes TWO guys with rosy-cheeks, round bellies and red hats we won’t have to see for much longer.

Last week, President Trump sent out his annual holiday card. But I think he was just a little distracted, since it began with the line “Tis the Treason!”

The big story is that Donald Trump became the third U.S. president to be impeached. If Trump is forced to leave office, he’ll be replaced by Mike Pence - marking the first time Disney World tries to make one of the Hall of Presidents robots just a little more robotic.

It was a crazy night. I never thought I’d time travel far enough to see an episode of “Good Times” get interrupted by an impeachment – but there we were! (Who wants to catch KC and the Sunshine Band at the Brat??)

But inside Trump’s holiday card, he gave a six-page, printed letter rebutting his impeachment to every single Democrat in Congress – which works out to 1,662 sheets of paper. That explains the latest guy to demand Trump’s resignation: The Lorax. (He is VERY ashamed of his cousin.)

I saw that the Wikipedia page for “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” was changed to reflect that Trump is the first cast member to be impeached. I like that it says “first” – like in 20 years, we’ll be like, “You know what? President Buzz just ain’t cutting it.” 

After the House impeachment inquiry, Georgia Congressman Barry Loudermilk– who is indeed a person, and not a supplement at GNC – claimed that Jesus had more rights than Trump. Then Bernie Sanders said, “Congressman, I served with Jesus Christ. I knew Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was a friend of mine. Congressman – please remind me what we were talking about.”

Trump is facing lots of criticism for saying the late Democratic congressman John Dingell is now in Hell. It may seem rough for Trump to mock someone who’s only with us in spirit; but to be fair, he does employ at least one ghoul.

The magazine “Christianity Today” published an editorial saying that Trump should be removed from office. When he heard he’d been denounced by “Christianity Today,” Trump said, “Am I still cool with ‘Entertainment Tonight’?”

Yeah, “Christianity Today” wants Trump gone. Marking the first magazine Mike Pence hid under his mattress. “But I was thinking of YOU the whole time, Mother!!”

But even with the impeachment happening, a real estate broker in Florida is hoping Vanilla Ice can convince Trump to build his presidential library on the site of a local trailer park. Trump was like, “Only if Tone Loc can’t close the deal at that paintball park.”

Yeah, he wants Vanilla Ice to get the president to build his library in Florida. Assuming someone else doesn’t step in first and tell Trump “Stop! Collaborate in prison!”

Last week, lawmakers held their annual Secret Santa on Capitol Hill. No word who gave the best“present” – but it’s safe to say Tulsi Gabbard gave the worst.

Democratic candidate Tulsi Gabbard voted “Present” at Trump’s impeachment inquiry. When asked if this could hurt her chances with voters, Gabbard said, “Present.”

The Democrats had another debate on Thursday. Elizabeth Warren went after Pete Buttigieg for holding a fundraiser inside a billionaire’s wine cave. Which got even worse when Buttigieg got kicked out for using a fake ID.

That’s right, Pete Buttigieg held a fundraiser in a billionaire’s cave. Which is why Joe Biden went up to Times Square Batman and yelled, “I thought we had a deal!!”

At the debate, Andrew Yang said, “If you get too many men alone and leave us alone for awhile, we kind of become morons.” Then Bravo’s Andy Cohen came in to give the rebuttal.

And Republican Presidential Candidate Joe Walsh FaceTimed into a town hall from his car. When asked why he didn’t call from his campaign headquarters, he said, “I did.”

Some major science news: a controversial theory suggests that rather than being killed by an asteroid, dinosaurs may have actually been poisoned. In response, the FDA is urging consumers to throw away all romaine lettuce from the Mesozoic Era.  

It’s pretty divisive. Some scientists say they were killed by an asteroid; some say they were poisoned; while prison officials in New York continue to insist the dinosaurs hanged themselves.

Footage of Jeffrey Epstein’s “first” suicide attempt was finally located this week. Reporters said, “This footage is incredibly disturbing, and we urge you not to watch it if you’re easily unsettled emotionally” – then when they were done reviewing “Cats,” they said, “Hey, cool! They found the Epstein tape!”

“Cats” was widely panned by critics, with some calling it one of the worst films of the decade. Of course it didn’t help when five minutes in, someone rang a doorbell and the entire cast scattered.

Despite a budget nearing 100 million dollars, “Cats” made just over six million dollars in the U.S. But producers argue that it would’ve done better if cat-lovers had someone to go see it with. “Do I need to buy a second seat for my Michael’s bag?”

Yeah, in the same week, Trump was impeached, “Cats” was panned and people were boycotting the Hallmark Channel. Or as Lindsey Graham calls that, “The Devil’s Triangle.”

“Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” won the weekend box office, but some feel its performance was hurt by “Star Wars fatigue.” Disney denied this, and encouraged people to check out their new show, “Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Yoda.”

United Airlines is now offering non-binary gender options for booking. So instead of “he” or “she,” your lawsuit will say “they were dragged off the plane after being bitten by stray scorpions.”

Burlington, Vermont is facing a major scandal, after it named three new police chiefs in one week. The first had to resign after admitting to heckling an activist online; the second resigned after she admitted to having a secret Twitter account; and it turns out the third was a moose.

🚨(SPORTS JOKE ALERT: THIS IS A SPORTS JOKE)The bat Babe Ruth used to hit his 500thhome run was auctioned off for one million dollars. The bat was signed by Ruth, as well as the pitcher who gave up the home run: Bartolo Colon. (THIS HAS BEEN A SPORTS JOKE; THAT WAS A SPORTS JOKE)🚨

Former NBA star Kevin Garnett is actually getting some Oscar talk for his performance in “Uncut Gems.” Critics say it’s the best acting they’ve seen since…every time LeBron’s been fouled.

And lastly, a guy cursed out Wizards star Isaiah Thomas, after Thomas made a free throw and cost everyone a free Wendy’s frosty. Then security said, “Just don’t let it happen again, Mr. Barkley.”

Heard recently from a gentleman named Tom Kingdon, who is a professor at Emerson and taught…I dunno, some class I was in. It all kinda blends together, Tom. Anyway, since there are just a couple shopping days left, here’s a project we made for his class waaaaaay back in the day starring myself, Sam Liberty and Marc van Bulck, along with Ben Sloane. Shot by Kent Truog, later re-edited by the great Ryan Stevenson. It’s goofy, but we had fun, and hey, Harris Wittels laughed at it. Have a Happy & Merry…and IF YOU’RE LUCKY…bright.