Posting early - because like everyone, I don’t wanna touch Harvey Weinstein.
UPDATE: At least now, he won't have to ask people to watch him shower.
This weekend, I finally saw “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” Not the film - the media’s coverage of Bernie Sanders winning the caucuses.
Bernie Sanders finished well ahead of the other Democrats in Nevada. But it wasn’t a total loss; Joe Biden saw Blue Man Group for the 1,000th time. “Those Smurfs rock!”
And last night, former candidate Marianne Williamson endorsed Bernie. When told he’s the frontrunner, she said, “Whoaaaa - you guys can see him, too??”
But Chris Matthews actually compared Bernie’s Nevada victory to France falling to Germany in World War II. Bernie supporters called it ridiculous - then said if you don’t vote for him, you’re in ISIS.
Many are calling on Matthews to resign. But really, what’s worse: Chris Matthews on TV sharing his opinions, or next to you at the bar sharing his opinions? “I’LL TELL YOU THE BEST BON JOVI SONG!!”
On Wednesday, the Democrats had another debate. You could watch it on NBC, stream it online, or hear it just by opening a window.
I felt bad for Lester Holt. He reminded me of the rich woman in a “Three Stooges” pie fight who keeps shouting, “EVERYONE! STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!”
A lot went on, but to sum up: Michael Bloomberg might be better off speaking Spanish instead of English.
On the bright side, Bloomberg got an endorsement from Clint Eastwood, who said he no longer supports Trump. So instead of yelling at an empty chair, Eastwood will yell at a toilet with a built-in phone charger.
After pressure from Elizabeth Warren, Bloomberg said he was releasing three women from nondisclosure agreements so they could speak openly about why they departed his company. Then today, he told Harvey Weinstein, “I call top bunk.”
Warren seemed like the big winner of the debate, and her supporters called out the media for a “blackout” in failing to mention her. Man…that sounds awful. 😬
And it came out Russia is apparently trying to help Bernie Sanders get the nomination, and Bernie knew for a month but didn’t say anything. He didn’t exactly help himself when asked about it. Check it out:
In fairness, how do you behave when you’re trying to catch a flight? I saw a guy at LAX dropkick a nun and tell a pilot with two trays of coffees to “Hurry it up, Lindbergh!!”
But Sanders created even more controversy when he went on “60 Minutes” and said it’s “unfair to say everything is bad” with Fidel Castro’s regime in Cuba. When asked to name one positive element, he was like, “…Good swimmers?”
Yeah, he said not everything was bad when Fidel Castro ran Cuba. Then he said, “And without Charles Manson, we don’t get that nifty Tarantino talkie!”
Meanwhile, Trump is headed to a big rally in India. The Secret Service even gave him a special codename for the trip: “Slumlord Billionaire.”
But it’s a fun trip for Trump – it lets him visit the only Taj Mahal he didn’t bankrupt.
Trump is expected to draw crowds of over 100,000 people in India. Which will get weird when he goes up to every one of them and says, “Do you know how to change my screensaver? Do you know how to change my screensaver?…”
Trump also commuted ex-Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich’s prison sentence. Anderson Cooper had a very tense interview with Blagojevich. Take a look:
To show you how tense things were – at the start of the interview, Blagojevich’s hair was still brown.
I haven’t heard that language on CNN since Larry King pulled a Belvedere. (Urban Dictionary it….)
The cast of “Friends” has finally agreed to a reunion on HBO Max. The specifics are top secret, and the only ones who know are the cast, producers and somehow, Bernie Sanders. “THEY WERE ON A BREAK! THE COUPLING SYSTEM IS RIGGED!”
Actually, some details are already coming out about what the “Friends” characters have been up to for the last 15 years. And it’s pretty interesting.
Monica…
Appeared on an episode of “Hell’s Kitchen” and yelled until Gordon Ramsay cried.
Chandler…
Got fired from his advertising job when he said, “Could Baby Nut BE any cuter?”
Phoebe…
Splits her time preparing for her Mars trip and canvasing for Marianne Williamson.
Joey…
Sued Wendy Williams over the phrase, “How YOU doin’?” and settled out of court for a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich.
Ross…
Thought a fight over what to watch on Netflix meant he and Rachel broke up, had a panic attack, drank half an appletini and spent a week dating Ariana Grande.
Rachel…
Dumped Ross, but still shows up to clap for him when he wins awards.
Janice…
Is the least annoying voice on the Headspace meditation app.
Gunther from Central Perk took a weird heel turn in 2015…
And Marcel the Monkey…
Is still trapped in an IKEA.
Filming of “The Batman” starring Robert Pattinson is underway, but many diehard fans are concerned Batman’s being played by a British actor. So just wait until they hear Alfred’s played by Tony Danza. “Ohh-ayy-ohh! You ain’t goin’ off to fight Mr. Two Heads without finishin’ your chores, Mr. Bruce!”
Some big news here: Keith Richards announced that he is quitting smoking. Or as his doctor put it, “Titanic, meet deck chairs.”
Actually, Richards had a good reason to quit smoking: it was that or leave the bar.
And John Oates of “Hall & Oates” says he has slept with “thousands of women.” When asked how he did it, he said, “By saying I’m Hall.”
A 42-year-old Zamboni driver got to play goalie for the Carolina Hurricanes, after both of their goalies were injured. Which seems like a nice story, until you hear they got run over by the Zamboni.
Zamboni driver David Ayers didn’t allow a single goal for the Hurricanes. And he was such a hit, they let three Zamboni drivers ref yesterday’s Celtics-Lakers game. “Uhh…foul on Bird? 11 free throws for Chamberlain.”
In baseball, Spring Training is under way. You can tell everyone’s a little rusty, because it took the Astros four innings to realize the lens cap was still on the camera they use to steal signs.
I read about a baseball writer for the Minneapolis Tribune who will turn 100 years old next month. You can tell he’s been around a while, because after each game, he vanishes into a cornfield.
A former Home Depot employee is suing the chain, claiming it fired him after a heart attack. Though to be fair, it was suffered by a customer when he encountered an actual Home Depot employee.
Disney announced that from now on, Epcot will be known as EPCOT. As in, “IF YOU KIDS DON’T BEHAVE, I’M TURNING AROUND AND TAKING YOU TO EPCOT!”
EPCOT will feature a ride for the movie “Ratatouille,” where you’re the same size as rats running around a restaurant. Or as that’s also known, “Manhattan.”
Actually, some sad news: the founder and of the Hair Club for Men, Sy Sperling, passed away. May he rest in his piece.