Yesterday was President’s Day, when we honor George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. And I bet if they were alive today, they’d still be younger than the guys running for the president in November.
Bars everywhere were offering their annual Washington/Lincoln special: a cherry bourbon smash with a shot. BUT FOLKS…
In an appearance on Geraldo Rivera’s podcast, President Trump essentially admitted he was guilty of the crimes that got him impeached. But don’t worry – they’ll nail him in a decade when he tries to steal back his football memorabilia.
On Sunday, Trump was Grand Marshal of the Daytona 500. When asked if it’s his favorite race, Trump said, “Nope – still whites.”
That’s right, Trump served as Grand Wizard – sorry, Grand Marshal of the Daytona 500. Incidentally, Daytona 500 is also the name of Trump’s bronzer.
That looks like if one of the drivers forgot to install a windshield.
But you could tell Trump was leading the pack, because instead of turning left, the drivers turned way too far to the right.
Yep, Trump led the racecars as Grand Marshal. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders led a parade of Jazzy scooters around a Marshall’s. “Please direct me to your knee sock irregulars!”
During a rally in Nevada, Bernie was interrupted by two women who removed their tops and poured milk all over themselves. On the bright side, Bernie was polling higher than he had in 60 years.
Joe Biden said Mickey Mouse would beat Trump. But I’m pretty sure we’ve already got two other Disney characters taking care of that:
Veteran reporter Sam Donaldson wrote an editorial where he endorsed Michael Bloomberg. While Donaldson’s hair endorsed acorns.
The Washington Post ran a big piece claiming that during the 90s, Bloomberg didn’t want his employees to get pregnant. So whenever sex was imminent, they just pictured Michael Bloomberg.
Bloomberg is also quoted as saying if women wanted to be appreciated for their brains, they’d spend less time at Bloomingdales and more at the library. While if Bloomberg wanted clothes that fit, he’d spend more time at Gap Kids.
This all began with a “joke” booklet that circulated for Bloomberg’s birthday in 1990, which included several offensive remarks – including a claim that his company’s computers were so advanced, they could give oral sex. Then his IT guy was like, “Is THAT why your disk drive was always jammed?”
Kind of gives new meaning to the phrase, “floppy drive.” BUT FOLKS!
Over the weekend, there was talk that Bloomberg was thinking of picking Hillary Clinton as his running mate. Even Mark Wahlberg’s character in “The Departed” was like, “Now THAT’S an ENDING!”
But Hillary was very grateful. She said if they win, she’d thank Bloomberg by sending him on a two-week, all-expenses-paid vacation to China. “Really breathe it in, Mike!”
Japan’s health minister is urging people to avoid crowds, so they don’t contract the deadly coronavirus. Which explains that new slogan: “Tom Steyer: You Won’t Get Sick At His Rallies.”
Amy Klobuchar had a strong showing in New Hampshire, and has now risen to third place. You can tell she’s happy, because she spent all weekend hurling champagne bottles at her staffers.
Klobuchar faced questions about her old stance that English should be the national language, saying “this was back in 2006” and she’s changed since then. For instance now, she’s running for president.
Another big story is that Trump fired off a series of tweets criticizing the recommended prison sentence for his ally Roger Stone. But they kind of lost prestige when he tweeted, “Also – will someone bring me some more toilet paper?”
The judge in Stone’s case has called for a phone hearing today. When he heard it was a phone hearing, Stone said, “But now how will people know I’m dressed like Willy Wonka at Burning Man?”
Attorney General William Barr is being called on to resign after he recommended a reduced sentence for Stone. And it only got worse when he declared the Houston Astros the 2020 World Series Champions.
Speaking of sports – all you really need to know is that the XFL is now officially America’s most respected athletic association.
The XFL had another big weekend. One of the cool new features is that you can listen in to what the coaches are saying on the sideline. It lets everyone watching at home feel like they’re the Patriots.
The big story is that baseball commissioner Rob Manfred is facing criticism for the soft punishments handed out to the Astros. Baseball viewers are furious – in fact, Manfred received angry calls from both of them.
Manfred said there was little evidence the Astros wore buzzers under their jerseys to steal signs. Then there was a buzz from under his blazer and he said, “I mean no evidence.”
I don’t want to say Manfred’s going soft, but he’s now allowing rebroadcast, retransmission, and accounts of the game with the implied written consent of Major League Baseball. (Now THAT’S a sports joke.)
Manfred is also being criticized for referring to the World Series Trophy as a “piece of metal.” Then he congratulated Derek Jeter for being inducted into “The Dead Guy Museum.”
NBA All-Star Weekend kicked off on Friday. Which means Chaka Khan should be finished with the National Anthem sometime tomorrow.
It was pretty rough. Take a look:
Shaq was like, “And you thought I shattered some backboards!”
Even the janitor was like, “That’s just too many keys!”
Saturday was the Slam Dunk Contest, and a lot of people are saying Orlando’s Aaron Gordon was cheated out of winning. And they might be right, since he lost by one point to Pete Buttigieg.
Then things got even worse when the All-Star Game was delayed when Michael Bloomberg tried to stop and frisk everybody.
The number one film at the box office over the weekend was “Sonic the Hedgehog.” But I had to leave early when I spilled Crystal Pepsi all over my Bugle Boys.
And a performance of the Broadway musical "Jagged Little Pill" was evacuated after someone deployed their pepper spray. Officials have narrowed it down to everyone seeing "Jagged Little Pill."
There’s a video that’s gone viral of a man punching the back of a woman’s seat on an American Airlines flight when she reclined “too far back.” Then Southwest said, “That’s whatcha get for having seats!”
Scientists in Dubai have created the first completely autonomous jetpack. As in, “Up in the sky – it’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…every woman leaving Dubai!”
A new study found that people take more pictures of their dog than they do their spouse. While cats secretly film you talking shit about your spouse.
At a zoo in Florida, an orangutan named Sandra celebrated her 34th birthday and Valentine’s Day with her new mate, Jethro. Then they watched “Marriage Story” and things have been weird ever since.
And a picture has gone viral of a mini service horse a passenger brought onto a plane:
Things were fun until the lady in front reclined, and the horse spent the entire flight kicking her seat.
That horse has an interesting name – “Neigh Mysterio.” BUT FOALS!
Parents in Santa Monica are upset after a pornographic video was shot inside a local library. And I don’t blame them, because that is no way for teens to find out about libraries.
And lastly, a new report finds that having sex with robots could cause psychological damage. And, the temporary closure of The Country Bear Jamboree.
-Jon