I hope you had a great Christmas! If you spent the day with loved ones, hopefully you had fun. And if you spent the day alone – well, that’s your fault for going to see “Cats.”
But I wanted to create the most authentic Santa experience possible for my daughter. So before going to bed, we put out a plate of cookies, scratch-off tickets and a tall boy Surge. “Santa’s had a tricky year!”
You have to be careful, because there’s nothing more awkward than your kids coming down to find you putting presents under the tree. Except for the day after Christmas, when you bump into your mom at Kohl’s exchanging the gifts you gave each other.
But in all seriousness, a safety PSA: if you’re sending an Edible Arrangement to a loved one, do not order one with chocolate for when the dog ends up eating the whole thing out of the garbage.
Donald and Melania Trump released a video message where the president called for peace, and said, “Joy to the World.” Then he said, “I was given those beautiful words by someone named Jeremiah – who was truly one of THE BEST bullfrogs. VERY classy bullfrog. And he was a good friend of mine.”
The President said for Christmas, he gave Melania a card. Which isn’t shocking, since that’s also how he got her to marry him.
Yeah, Donald gave Melania a card for Christmas. And when he wasn’t looking, Melania grabbed some mittens meant for their granddaughter and wrote “To Donald.” “Pinkalicious! How’d you know??”
In the meantime, Trump criticized California and New York for their homelessness problem, and said the state’s governors should call and ask for his help. Then they said, “Cool – then we’ll help you when you get kicked out of your home.”
Yeah, it was an awkward holiday at the White House. Especially when a staffer gave Trump an ornament that said “Baby’s Last Christmas.”
And that’s not all. In Canada, Trump was cut out of a broadcast of “Home Alone 2.” While another film had to cut out a scene featuring Rudy Giuliani.
A reporter says that just last week alone, she got three butt-dials from Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani said, “Look, I had to sit on a lot of Santas’ laps til one promised me a pardon.”
Tonight was the last night of Hanukkah. That’s right, eight days and eight nights - which is also my review for “The Irishman.”
As a Catholic, I was always jealous of the foods served at Hanukkah. I’m pretty sure Christmas Eve Mass is the only birthday party where the guest of honor’s also the meal.
If you’re celebrating Hanukkah, you make loukoumades, latkes and sufganiyot. Then you say, “Okay - which, car is Mel Gibson’s?”
Children received the chocolate coins known as “Gelt.” Kids had a tough choice this year: “Do I eat the gelt, or do I use it to buy something at Sears?” “What ya got, three coins?? Here’s a lawnmower!! WE’RE BACK, BABY!!”
A winter storm hit the Northeast. So instead of driving, do the safe thing and stand next to your mailbox and let one of the city’s snowplows drag you to your destination.
But meteorologists in New York City predict New Year’s Eve will be somewhere around 50 and just a little bit foggy – you know, like Don Lemon.
That’s right, tomorrow is New Year’s Eve! So finally, a chance to see some guys drop a ball without being yelled at by Tom Brady.
Over a million people are expected to fill Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But to be fair, half of them first started trying to cross the street back in September.
If you’re watching from home: CNN will air its “New Year’s Eve Live” special, NBC will air Carson Daly’s “New Year’s Eve 2020,” and Fox News will deny that it’s New Year’s Eve.
I saw that “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” will feature Alanis Morissette, Sheryl Crow, Green Day and Salt-N-Peppa. Which explains the sign that says “Happy 1994!”
According to the New York Post, one of the big trends for 2020 is “Smishing,” where you get a text reporting suspicious activity on your debit card – then when you click the link, you get hacked. In fact, Rudy Giuliani has already butt-smished away his entire life-savings.
They also said one of the hottest trends in 2020 will be milk baths. Then the makers of “Cats” said, “See? We were just ahead of our time!”
Well, after all the bad reviews, Universal rereleased “Cats” with “improved visual effects.” Then 30 seconds in, critics said, “This is just ‘Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.’”
And the Democrats kept campaigning over the holidays. Bernie Sanders said that if Joe Biden is the nominee, Trump will “eat his lunch.” Then Bernie said, “But I do NOT have that problem, because Trump would have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in a cup of prune stew and 12 cans of Ensure!!”
Biden sparked an uproar on the left when he said he’d consider choosing a Republican running mate to go against President Trump. But people settled down when he released a new logo that said “Biden/Melania 2020.”
President Obama listed his favorite movies of 2019. The first two were “The Irishman” and “Parasite,” while third place was a tie between “every movie that’s not ‘Cats.’”
Tulsi Gabbard is struggling in the Democratic race after voting “Present” during Trump’s impeachment inquisition. It’s pretty bad – the most famous person at her last fundraiser was Michael C. Jordan.
Hey, speaking of Michael Jordans…
🚨(SPORTS JOKE ALERT: THIS IS A SPORTS JOKE) ESPN released the trailer for its new 10-part documentary on the 1998 Chicago Bulls. 10 hours on a single season. Even Marv Albert was like, “No!” (THIS HAS BEEN A SPORTS JOKE; THAT WAS A SPORTS JOKE)🚨
The series includes interviews with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Phil Jackson…and Justin Timberlake. Then Timberlake looked around and said, “Shit – am I Chris Kirkpatrick??”
7-foot-5 Celtics center Tacko Fall served as guest conductor for the Boston Pops – and at one point, he did a pop-and-lock and a 360 spin. People were like, “Down in front!” While the guy who spent 40 years mastering the cello said, “This is as down as I’ll ever be.”
Tom Brady played what may have been his last regular season game for the Patriots. Brady couldn’t wait to tell his grandchildren all about it when they drove him home from the game.
Antonio Brown was reportedly close to signing with the New Orleans Saints. People said, “Can you imagine an alleged sex offender becoming a Saint??” “What do you mean imagine?” said the Vatican.
The Cleveland Browns fired their head coach, Freddie Kitchens. Which means now, Freddie Kitchens will go back to his old job as a chef in “Goodfellas.”
And the Cleveland Cavaliers are discussing trades to send All-Star Kevin Love to a different team. Then Love’s Uncle Mike said, “Why don’t you just cut all your teammates and call yourself the Cavaliers?”
Actually, Mike Love’s touring “Beach Boys” are scheduled to play for three straight nights at the Hollywood Bowl this July. Critics are calling it “the hostage situation of the summer.”
Speaking of music, it’s time for…
🎈🎈RINE’S FINE NINE OF NINETEEN!🎈🎈
Starting off the countdown at Number Nine, the only band with two songs in this year’s Rine’s Fine Nine. Channeling our collective mood for the past three years, it’s The Black Keys with “Lo/Hi.”
Next is a band named after the GOP Healthcare Plan. At Number Eight, it’s White Reaper with “Might Be Right.”
This next song is our Long Distance Dedication. It reads, “Dear John” – goddamn it you guys, no H! Anyway…“I’m writing after a fight I had with my horse. We’ve been friends a long time, and it feels as though our friendship has grown stag-nant. Get it? Ah shit, stag means male DEER. Well either way, I know he likes to read your jokes while he’s pissing between video blogs. Is there any way you could play a song that lets him know I’ve got big plans for us to travel in 2020 – all the way down to a specific road?” Of course I can do that. Coming in at Number Seven is Lil Nas X with “Old Town Road.”
At Number Six – a newcomer to my iTunes, and to answer your question, “Only if I forgot my ear buds.” Here’s Sam Fender with, “Will We Talk?”
At Number Five – an OLD favorite making NEW friends! This song might be even higher, but it starts to wear on you by the 27th listen (and dance!) with your child. Here’s Dave Grohl Feat. Elmo & Big Birdwith “Here We Go Song.”
At Number Four, the only band with two songs – shit, already used that intro. Anyway, here’s The Black Keys again with “Go.”
Critics are split on Number Three. Some say it’s “Yowie,” others say it’s “Wowie!” I say all that matters is that Mercy the Buzzard was at his funniest at Madison Square Garden. Someone should warn Paul McCartney to get his “tail all tied in a knot,” because this isn’t Uncle Ernie or Auntie Gin. It’s The Fiend, pal! Here’s Code Orange with “Let Me In.”
And that brings us to Number Two. Again, in the year 2019. Not high school. Not college. When I’m in my 30s, in 2019. With Rineman’s Number Two Song of ’19, it’s Guster with “Overexcited.”
See? A full list that doesn’t feature a single one of the Three B’s. And…uh oh, never mind…At NUMBER ONE…🇨🇦
I saw that officials in New York City are trying to locate a wild raccoon that’s loose inside the subway. While the rats are like, “This is why we need to build a wall!!”
A survey found that in 2019, the most popular name for dogs in New York City is “Chicken.” Then KFC said, “You know, that’s ironic, because…uhhh, never mind!”
☠️(WORST JOKE WARNING: THERE MAY BE WORSE, BUT I THINK THIS IS THE WORST JOKE)Last week, Tom Hanks was offered Greek citizenship. I guess that explains his new movie, “Turner & Zeus.” (THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST JOKE – YOU WERE WARNED)☠️
There’s a lot of big news stories right now, so that brings us to a new segment called: 📰JOURNALISM!📰
This has been 📰JOURNALISM!📰
On Friday, Disneyland had to stop selling tickets when it reached its maximum capacity. The next day Dads said, “Wow! It’s a good thing we went there right before it, uh…BURNED DOWN FOREVER.”
But, Disneyland was crowded. In fact, it was so crowded, those singing kids were like, “Now this world’s too damn small!”
It was so crowded, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride enforced surge pricing.
It was so crowded at the Hall of Presidents, Franklin Roosevelt stood up and walked out.
It was so crowded, the Haunted Mansion said, “Well, there’s USUALLY room for one more...”
It was so crowded, instead of singing “Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test!” Lumière sang, 🎶“Motel 6! Motel 6! Keep your shoes on! They’ve got ticks!”🎶
Let’s see what people are saying about that Disney runner…
Some sad news: shock-jock Don Imus passed away at the age of 79. An impressive lineup of speakers at Imus’ funeral will be told to “shut the hell up” by Don Imus.
Despite his controversies, Imus was very philanthropic. But it was awkward when he got to Heaven and St. Peter said, “I’m a little backed up – check in with my colleague, Harriet Tubman.”
And lastly, officials in Massachusetts say that marijuana sales brought in 420 million dollars this year. Stoners couldn’t stop laughing – at the “ass” in Massachusetts.
Hey! Looking for something to do New Year’s Eve? Come by The Comedy Studio in Somerville, MA where I’ll be on the last show of the year at 10 p.m.
See you next week?
Jon