Sunday is the WWE Royal Rumble! Yep, 30 competitors, battling each other, to challenge a deranged Fiend. Or as Democrats put it,
“We good!”
Actually, if you missed the last debate, the Rumble’s got you covered:
“Whatcha gonna do when these six-inch, farm-raised freshwater eels shout over you??”
But this was major last night. The New York Times issued a joint-endorsement of Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar for President. So I guess Bernie was right – A woman won’t beat Trump. (Tag Team Prez!)
People were like, “This is an excellent moment for feminism, it’s a genuinely intriguing idea, and oh no Andy Cohen’s somehow involved with this, isn’t he?”
When speaking on Warren, the Times praised her “‘approach to policymaking,’ her skill in explaining her ideas, her commitment to overhauling the structures of government and her experience leveraging the tools of the executive branch” – but, “questions her message blaming American business for a wide array of societal problems.” You know – like, mixed messages from our RICHEST NEWSPAPER.
It was actually an amazing weekend. In New York City, women braved a snowstorm for the Women’s March. Not to be outdone, Trump got stuck in his seat at a screening of “Frozen 2.” “It’s okay – I’ll just wait here til ‘Frozen 3.’ Barbarino’s right – Dazeem is fantastic.”
And we are now just one year away from Inauguration Day. Or, one Fourth of July fistfight, Thanksgiving argument, and toppled Christmas tree away from shouting, “ONLY FOUR YEARS AWAY FROM INAUGURATION DAY!”
The other big story is the Kansas City Chiefs advancing to the Super Bowl, by defeating the Tennessee Titans. You knew the game was over when the Chiefs poured a bucket of A1 on Andy Reid.
The Chiefs will play the NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers. That means we could see 53 San Franciscans, posing in the Oval Office. Well, 54, if you count President Pelosi.
Yeah, the Niners won easily over the Green Bay Packers at Levi Stadium. Marking just the latest battle between Levis and people from Wisconsin. (Hey – I just stress-ate two bags of pretzels, no judging.)
And commercials during this year’s Super Bowl will cost 5.6 million dollars. Five million bucks for 30 seconds – or as it’s also known, “The Bob Kraft Special.”
But in nicer TV news – we’re all still enjoying the 50th Season of Sesame Street. I gotta say though – you can really tell some of the characters are getting older. For instance…
Speaking of TV. Peacock will stream episodes of “The Tonight Show” early, at 8 p.m. And Trump will move his new crazy tweet that screws up all the jokes about his last crazy tweet from 11:34 to 7:59.
Case in point: just when I thought I’d done literally everything to keep this dude’s tweets out of my feed…somehow, this shows up:
So Trump is now anti-walls. Even mimes are like, “MAKE UP YOUR 👉👌ING MIND DUDE!!”
Don’t worry. Tomorrow, Trump will claim he had a perfect phone call with King Triton. “I spoke to a VERY persuasive crab who assured me everything’s better down where it’s wetter. Take it from me.”
Yep, a regrettable, overpriced endeavor on the Hudson River. Or as I call it, “moving to Hoboken.” “Saturdays aren’t bad at all! You just take the PATH to Baltimore, stay in a hotel, then wait until Monday at EXACTLY when you start getting e-mails and also there’s no WiFi and Bane’s president.”
Then Trump said he wants people to get their mops and buckets. Then he kissed Melania goodnight – not realizing she was just a nightgown on a mop and a bucket.
Tomorrow’s the start of Trump’s Impeachment Trial – which means today is “Impeachment Eve.” And as a treat, Trump let each of his associates open one escapable jetpack early.
The President has assembled a legal “dream team” that includes Kenneth Starr, Alan Dershowitz and Rudy Giuliani. When asked who’ll take the lead, he said, “Hologram Johnnie Cochran.” “If the glove’s too BIG, acquit the WIG!”
Yeah, Ken Starr – the guy who led the impeachment case againstPresident Clinton – is now fighting the case against President Trump. Hillary was like, “Talk about someone who goes both ways!” Then Bill recommended “69% Happier” by Crystal Harris.
And the House called Trump’s behavior “the Framer’s worst nightmare.” Which is also how Trump described Eric’s yearbook pictures. “Can you make the laser beams go THROUGH him??”
Trump is expected to deliver his own briefs to the Senate chamber today. While it’s still anyone’s guess who’ll yell, “NO, NOT UNDERPANTS. (Also, where are your REGULAR pants??)”
Two of the central figures in the case are Ukrainian businessmen Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman – who of course rose to fame running a computer store next to the Letterman show.
A running joke has been how many times Rudy Giuliani has appeared in photographs with Parnas and Fruman. But if you’re keeping score, Rudy’s still appeared in zero mirrors.
The Impeachment trial will be led by seven House managers – the only managers left who haven’t been caught cheating at baseball.
It’s rumored that Astros star Jose Altuve used a vibrating pager in his jersey that signaled what pitches were coming. One meant fastball; two meant curveball; three meant his table was ready at Applebee’s.
Yeah, they’re saying Altuve used a pager; Mike Trout is on HGH; and worst of all? For the final five years of his consecutive games streak, Cal Ripken Jr. was played by Meryl Streep.
Meanwhile, ESPN analyst and Mets advisor Jessica Mendoza is under fire for criticizing the pitcher who came forward about the cheating. People were shocked – they said, “The Mets have advisors??”
For his role in the cheating scandal, Mets manager Carlos Beltran was fired before he even coached a game. Said the Mets…
And Queen Elizabeth announced that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are no longer “working members” of the Royal Family. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, this hand isn’t going to just wave itself!”
The Queen said Harry will no longer be able to go by the title “Your Highness.” Then Harry heard Canada’s weed laws and said, “That’s what YOU think, Mrs. Doubtfire!”
In addition, they’ll have to pay back three million dollars spent renovating their home in the UK – Frogmore Cottage. Which explains why today, it was turned into a Señor Frogmore’s Cottage.
In her official statement, The Queen said, “We respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life as a family while remaining a valued part of my family.” But it felt less than genuine, since it ended with, “Sent from my iPhone.”
We’re now a week away from the Grammys – and an overwhelmingly historic favorite for Best Spoken Word.
The show will feature a performance from Aerosmith. But you can tell they’re getting up there, because Steven Tyler’s mic stand has switched to wearing a shawl.
It’ll also feature a performance from the Jonas Brothers – and their new rivals, *NCLINK.
“Bad Boys for Life” was the top film at the box office over the weekend. But it was a little weird when it opened with them riding around and an old lady behind me said, “When does the karaoke start?”
But the movie “Dolittle” had a rough time, and could lose 100 million dollars. On the bright side, it’s the first movie ever to be rated “Why?”
Yahoo ran an article on the space tourism race. Some think it’ll be Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic. Some think it’ll be Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin. While most think it’ll be two Southwest pilots reading that Yahoo article. “Uh – does Duluth have rings around it??” (Another shout out to Dan Harris.)
Kim Kardashian will star in a documentary about her first year studying to become a lawyer. Now comes the tough part: threeyears trying to find 12 jurors who don’t say, “Hey – you’re Kim Kardashian!”
Meanwhile, Paris Hilton is releasing her own documentary. It’s about the five minutes it took to find 12 jurors who said, “Uh – Heidi Montag?”
And lastly, The Daily Beast did a big article on the fight over a wealthy biochemist’s frozen head. His family said, “You guys promised to freeze the entire body forever!” While the lab said, “But we wanted to go bowling today!”
Thank you,
Jon