The Golden Globes were last night! Yep, a live event where the live crowd gets drunker as the night goes on – or as that’s now known, “The State of the Union Address.”
Charlize Theron presented the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Tom Hanks – who has recently played Captain Phillips, Captain Sully, Walt Disney and Mr. Rogers. Then at the end of her intro, Charlize tore off her wig and said, “Surprise – it’s me, Tom Hanks!”
During his acceptance speech, Quentin Tarantino gave a shout-out to his unborn child. If it’s a girl, Tarantino can’t wait to hear her first word – then tell her never to speak again.
There was some controversy when not one female director or screenwriter was nominated for a Golden Globe. Which explains why each nominee got lost on the way to the show. (Come onnnnnnnnnn! If I DON’T make that joke, how many thousands WILL?)
Despite being heavily favored, Meryl Streep did NOT win for her role in “Big Little Lies,” losing to Patricia Arquette. Putin was like, “Even I am not THAT crazy. Hands clean, bro!”
When Brad Pitt won for “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood,” his ex-wife and “Friends” star Jennifer Aniston apparently stood up and clapped. But accounts differ as to whether she clapped four times or five times. (It’s FOUR and HAS ALWAYS BEEN FOUR.)
The Apple TV+ series “The Morning Show” was completely shut out. Which is just as well, because if Apple won, they’d just click “Accept” without reading their speech.
It was tricky because there are so many shows and movies that blur the line between drama and straight-up comedy - you know, just like the Patriots on Saturday.
Two of the big winners last night were “Parasite” and “Fleabag.” Then Trump said, “But how did their sister Ivanka do?”
As usual, many criticized the show, saying they wish people could keep politics out of award shows. Then people said, “How ‘bout we keep TV hosts out of politics?”
On Thursday night, President Trump launched an air strike on Iran. It got worse when he pressed the red button on his desk and said, “That’s weird – someone’s supposed to bring me a Coke. Wait, I did WHAT?? Quick, get me impeached! I already AM?? Quick, tell them about the porn star! They already KNOW?? Quick, get me impeached! I already AM??…”
That’s right, the U.S. bombed Iranian General Qasem Soleimani. Even crazier – they did it just by dropping a bunch of “Cats” screeners on him.
Instead of immediately commenting on the strike, Trump just tweeted out a picture of the American flag. He would’ve typed more, but he said he had bone spurs in his thumbs.
But later on, Trump gave a speech where he stood behind his decision, and said he hopes everyone in Iran learns a lesson from the death of General “Quesadilla Salami.”
Soleimani was killed as he departed the airport in Baghdad. Witnesses described the road as completely destroyed, while the airport was described as “bad, but not LaGuardia bad.”
Yeah, Soleimani was killed right after getting off an airplane. If that’s not bad enough – the captain shut off the TVs just as he got to the ending of “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.” “Ugh, why did I waste an hour watching ‘Below Deck’??”
The strike caught the media completely by surprise. CNN thought the only guy who’d get bombed on New Year’s was Don Lemon.
And over on Fox News, Geraldo Rivera harshly criticized Trump’s decision, earning scorn from many of his colleagues. But then he dyed his hair blonde and they gave him a raise.
A lot of people are comparing Trump’s decision to George W. Bush’s call to invade Iraq. They might have a point, because today, Trump was wearing that “Mission Accomplished” banner as a necktie. “It’s a LITTLE short. Sad!”
Yeah, people are comparing the strike on Iran to the Iraq War. The only difference is that this time, Baghdad Bob is on our side.
Iran raised a red flag over a mosque, signaling that a major war is coming. When asked if a war is in fact coming, Trump said, “That’s up to the groundhog and his shadow.”
Iran also called Trump a “terrorist in a suit.” While I still say he’s two six-year-olds in a suit.
People also noted that 20 years ago, President Clinton attacked Iraq while he was being impeached. The similarities with Trump don’t end there, as neither has spoken to Hillary since the election.
Democrats acknowledged that Soleimani was a murderer, responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans. Then prison officials said, “Thousands and one, if you count Epstein. Er, uhh, what??”
Chris Christie defended Trump’s airstrike, saying you need to use force to get through to Iran. Marking the first time Christie’s ever said the words “I ran.”
Last week in New Hampshire, Tulsi Gabbard went surfing in freezing waters. You knew it was cold because when she got out, people said, “Good luck in the primaries, Bernie!”
And Marianne Williamson laid off her entire campaign staff. In response her staff said nothing, as they’re just a circle of moon rocks.
Pete Buttigieg said if elected president, he would decriminalize meth, cocaine and ecstasy. Well – there’s ONE election where we won’t have to wait for results from Florida. “PRESIDENT FOR LIFE! PRESIDENT FOR LIFE!”
But you kinda knew Mayor Pete’s drug stance, since his last speech was just 40 minutes of trying to say “Buttigieg.”
A new survey on GOP favorites for 2024 had some surprises, with Donald Trump Jr. getting 29 percent of the vote, and Ivanka getting 16 percent. While Eric just ate the survey.
Lindsey Graham wants to start Trump’s impeachment trial without articles Nancy Pelosi’s withholding. When he heard Graham wants to eliminate articles, Trump said, “I made the same pitch to Playboy.”
Meanwhile, Trump seems to be shrugging it off, and has even told supporters there was no impeachment. Personally, I find it sad when someone’s in a sad state of denial. Anyway, here’s a bunch more monologue jokes!
Genuinely, it’s been fun hearing from people reading these. If you’re someone saying, “Hey, check these out!” – yes, please do. And to those saying “Look at this loser” – yes, please do! Would love to stay in New York. But if it ends up being LA? I’ll share an Uber from the airport with Tom Brady.
Last night, the Patriots lost in the first round of the Playoffs – which robbed their dynasty of a happy ending. “Speak for yourself!” said Robert Kraft.
But it does seem like the Patriots are all going their separate ways. Especially at his press conference, when Bill Belichick said this:
Belichick was angry when Titans coach and former Patriot Mike Vrabel used a loophole to run down the game clock, just like Belichick. Belichick said, “Hey – do as I mumble, not as I [unintelligible].”
And you could tell Tom Brady was upset by the loss. After the game, he only kissed his son on the hand.
It seems like Patriots fans have mixed emotions on Brady’s future. Bill Simmons thanked Brady for two decades of memories; Randy Moss said he should push for changes or leave; and Elizabeth Warren said he should stay a Patriot, but say he’s a Redskin.
But it looks like Brady’s leaving, after he slashed eight million dollars off the asking price for his Massachusetts home. While Rob Gronkowski chose to look for a new home when his party bus ran out of White Claws. “Do I gotta pay for closets if I don’t own any shirts??”
The Atlanta Hawks’ Vince Carter made history by becoming the first NBA player to play in four different decades. You can tell he’s old since he asked them to add a Cardigan Cannon.
Celtics rookie Tacko Fall is currently one of the top vote getters for the All-Star Game, despite only playing just 11 minutes. Of course, most are just voting for him ironically, as a joke – so let me be the first to congratulate President Tacko!
Some sad news: former NBA Commissioner David Stern passed away at 77. And as Stern crossed over to the other side, God greeted him by saying, “…Did you suspend Jordan for gambling or what?? Come on, tell me! Even my SON’S comeback was less suspicious!”
At the Sentry Tournament of Champions, golfer Patrick Cantlay was caught on a hot mic saying “Two more holes, and I can get a Mai Tai.” John Daly was like, “You got it backwards kid – before each hole, you drink two Mai Tais!”
Yeah, Cantlay was caught talking trash on a hot mic. Then Tiger Woods said, “Exactly how hot is this mic?”
There’s a new device called the GoGolf GPS, which tells you how hard to swing and where your ball winds up landing. And if you act now, they’ll throw in another device that tells you where in the woods you threw your GoGolf GPS.
Pope Francis had to apologize after he slapped a woman’s hand away on New Year’s Day. Yeah, a Pope giving slaps on the wrist – which was also the premise of “Spotlight.”
That’s right, the Pope slapped a woman who latched onto him during a handshake. It got even worse when he said, “Sorry, but my wife gets very jealous.”
Tom Brokaw says he was lucky to escape a fire in his New York City apartment building. Apparently, Brokow said, “Hhhhhholy Hhhhhell it’s hhhhhot in hhhhere! Hhhhhhow the hhhheck do I hhhhinder this hhhhorrible hhhhazard??”and blew it out all by himself. “Hhhhallelujah! I’m Hhhhappier than Hhhharry Hhhhoudini!”
In a new interview, Meat Loaf claimed that climate activist Greta Thunberg had been brainwashed. But to be honest, I have fewer questions for him than I do the reporter who asked Meat Loaf about Greta Thunberg. “Let’s see…‘Bat out of Hell’…fist-fight with Gary Busey…oh, I have to get your take on this teenage climate activist…”
A new poll found that two out of five Millennials can’t solve a single household problem without using Google. While the rest said, “Holy crap – you have a house??”
The Strokes have confirmed that they’re putting out a new album this year, despite some critics feeling like people have had enough of The Strokes. “Speak for yourself!” said Robert Kraft.
There was a scary moment on Saturday when a Delta plane skidded off the runway in Wisconsin. Thankfully, it came to a slow and steady stop when it collided with someone from Wisconsin.
A Utah man was shocked to find a McDonald’s cheeseburger he’d purchased back in 1999 in his jacket pocket, still in perfect condition. The man said there were little clues, like a slight aroma – oh, and everywhere he went, dogs “humped the piss” out of him.
A naked Florida man who was high on meth bit a K-9 police dog. Or if you’re trying to save space on your headline, “A Florida man met a dog.”
And lastly, a teen in Louisiana tore open the testicles of a man who was angry after a bad day at work. But on the bright side? Day off from work!
Aussies rule, mate. Always a blast for standup, were super fun when I was doing mono rehearsal warmup, but man are they having a tough time. Here is a LINK WHERE YOU CAN DONATE.
And here⚡s a reminder of one of the awesome things they gave us: