Just Some Jokes (In a Previous Life, "The Jonologue")

Happy Holidays! How has your decade been?

On Monday’s episode of “The View,” Meghan McCain and Whoopi Goldberg got into a shouting match, where Whoopi yelled at Meghan to be quiet. Fans were hoping they’d kiss and make up, while Hallmark said “NOT ON OUR CHANNEL!”

The Hallmark Channel is facing criticism for pulling ads featuring a female couple kissing. after complaints from the Christian advocacy group “One Million Moms.” That sounds less like a Christian group and more like the checkout line at Michael’s.

The group was upset that their kids might see the ads while they watched Hallmark holiday movies on TV. In response, kids said, “What is TV?”

But late Sunday night, Hallmark decided to “reinstate” the commercial after public outcry. One Million Moms said they won’t let their family values compromised - then switched over to Lifetime to watch a lady murder her husband.

And there’s a debate on Twitter about whether “Home Alone 2” is better than the original. Though if you want to see a child destroy a criminal, you could just log onto Twitter and follow Greta Thunberg. 

After Greta Thunberg was named Time’s Person of the Year, President Trump mocked her, and said she should just watch a “good old fashioned movie.” Then he said, “Put on CNN – they’ve been showing ‘All the President’s Men’ for, like, three weeks. What do you mean it’s a reboot? And I’M THE STAR??”

 

Yep, Trump said Thunberg should work on her “anger” by seeing a movie. When asked what she should watch for a feel-good pick-me-up, Melania shouted, “‘Marriage Story!’”

The Clint Eastwood film “Richard Jewell” came in fourth at the box office, making just five million dollars against a budget of 45 million. Which explains Eastwood’s next film, where someone calls to report a bomb at a movie theater.

It was Eastwood’s worst debut ever as a director. You could tell he was in mourning when he ordered his pants lowered beneath his nipples.

 

The number one film at the box office was “Jumanji: The Next Level,” featuring Kevin Hart and Danny DeVito. And to say congrats, Santa gave them each the week off.

 

This weekend was “SantaCon” in New York. Of course, it’s when people dress up as a Santa and get almost as drunk as the Santa your kids meet at the mall.

 

During an interview on Fox News, Eric Trump credited his father for people being able to talk about Santa again. When asked if he really believes in a guy he’s never met, Eric said, “My dad or Santa?”

 

The president went to the Army-Navy football game this weekend, and spent one half sitting with Army supporters, and the other sitting with Navy supporters. And the morning tailgating with KGB supporters.

 

And it’s looking more and more like the president will be impeached. You’ll know Trump’s in trouble when Mike Pence goes outside on Christmas and sees Air Force One, with a big, red bow on it.

 

After their coverage of the impeachment proceedings, Trump tweeted that Fox News will “die,” and also criticized MSNBC and CNN. You can tell he’s running out of things to watch, because today he live-tweeted a Yule log video. â€œNo nudity! Sad!”

 

Lindsey Graham commented on the impeachment, saying “I have nothing but disdain for this!” Incidentally, that’s also what he said about the checkout line at Michael’s. â€œGuess my cats’ll have to knit their OWN sweaters this year!”

 

Joe Biden’s wife, Jill, says Trump is afraid of her husband. But that’s probably just because of Biden’s Secret Service codename: “Stairs.”

 

Many are keeping a close eye on Michael Bloomberg’s campaign, even though he entered the race late. When asked if a New York City Mayor could really cost Trump the presidency, experts said, “Giuliani does it every Sunday.”

 

Seven women have come forward accusing Cuba Gooding Jr. of unwanted physical contact. Then O.J. said, “Soooo, do I get to play HIM, orrrr
.?”

 

To prove he isn’t faking his poor health, Harvey Weinstein released a picture from the hospital. Which backfired, when it showed a nurse yelling “Once AGAIN – the opening of your gown goes in the BACK.”

 

Weinstein was accused of faking his ailments after he arrived at court using a walker, but was filmed walking freely the same week. Even weirder? The footage was shot by the New England Patriots.

 

The Patriots are in trouble again, after they had a crew film the Bengals’ coaches during a game. The Bengals’ are worried their plays could be leaked to people who don’t know them – like the Bengals.

 

And the XFL just debuted its new uniforms. I loved the XFL, because the players had fun names like “He Hate Me” instead of boring names like “Ha Ha Clinton-Dix.”

 

It came out that the NBA’s ratings are down 16 percent. But to be fair, many people who were fans last year are busy playing for the Knicks this year.

 

The Knicks fired coach David Fizdale after the team started 4-18. The team says it will announce a new coach, once they get some replies to their Craigslist post.

 

I read that it’s been a record year for UFO sightings. One friend said we should take the reports seriously, another said they’re probably just drones, while a guy in a black suit and sunglasses said
crap, what did that guy say?


 

People were surprised when Bill Burr made an appearance on the Disney+ series “The Mandalorian.” Which explains why Baby Yoda has started saying, “Yahself, go fuck!”

  

A church in London is being investigated after forcing young people to donate their blood. “That’s illegal?” asked the Queen.

Paul McCartney says he recorded a secret Christmas album that’s just for his relatives. Which is why when you play it backwards, it says, “Dinner’s over - now get the hell out of here.”

  

Mariah Carey’s song “All I Want for Christmas is You” is once again the top holiday song – at 35 million streams. Or as Bernie Sanders’ toilet calls that, “A slow night.”

See you next week?
.