UPDATED: 5:55 p.m.
Well, between the Academy Awards and the Astros banging on that trashcan, it was a HUGE day for Oscars.
Today, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred released a 10-page report outlining all the ways the Houston Astros cheated to steal signs. People were like, “Sweet! Something to read the next time I’m at a baseball game.”
Major League Baseball has now banned teams from using live video feeds to steal signs. Which will backfire, when they learn that’s 80% of the people watching baseball.
One way the Astros cheated was banging on a trashcan to signal an off-speed pitch. The Mets were like, “If that’s what you use your trashcan for, where do you throw your scouting reports?”
Even though he was not directly involved with any cheating, Astros manager A.J. Hinch was fired simply for failing to report it. Then Mike Pence said, “Is it getting warm in here, Mother? Like really, really warm? Would you be offended if I undid my top button?”
It turns out Red Sox manager and former Astros coach Alex Cora was the brains behind a high-tech scheme to gain an unfair advantage over opponents. So I guess Guerrero wasn’t the only Vladimir he learned from.
After Hinch was fired and suspended for one year, many expect Cora to face the ultimate punishment: one week managing the Orioles.
Some say if the Red Sox cheated, it should erase their World Series win in 2018. Then Sox fans said, “That’s okay – we forgot all about it when they lost their first game in 2019.” “I HOPE YOU ALL DROWN IN THE RIVAHHHH!!!”
It’s pretty embarrassing for Boston. When asked about both the Patriots and Red Sox getting busted, Danny Ainge was already living in Mexico under the name Chip Diffler.
Speaking of basketball. On Saturday, I went with my daughter to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, MA. Everybody was so nice. The guy who took our tickets said, “Let me know if you need any help!” and I said, “Thanks, Mr. Pitino!”
But they had exhibits on everything – from Larry Bird’s battles on he parquet, to Michael Jordan’s battles on the hardwood, to Kevin Durant’s battles on Twitter.
I have to say, the entrance was a little…odd. I was expecting something more regal or flamboyant, but take a look at the view from the parking lot. This is a real picture I took before we went in:
On the bright side, we were able to see two shrines dedicated to Charles Barkley.
That’s where Sheryl Swoops meets Tuna Scoops.
There’s a lot of construction going on at the Hall. This spring, they’re opening a new wing dedicated to beverages thrown onto the floor at Celtics games. “Look! Sully’s seltzah!”
Actually, if you’re a Celtics fan, you can buy a book on the 40 Greatest Celtics of All-Time. And if you’re a Nets fan, you can buy a book on the 40 Greatest Celtics of All Time.
It was a bit odd spending the day inside, because it was nearly 70 degrees in the middle of January. I think the basketball people are worried too, because they introduced a new team called “The Globeswimmers.”
It’s not an ideal time for warm weather. I’m still trying to lose the weight I gained during the Honda Days, so I’m in good enough shape to run a Toyotathon, but it feels like we’re headed towards an endless Subaru Summer.
Don’t worry, though. They say things should return to normal, thanks to the cold front coming from Queen Elizabeth.
By now, you’ve heard about Prince Harry and Meghan Markel leaving the Royal Family – or as Prince Andrew calls it, “DEFINITELY THE ROYAL SCANDAL WE SHOULD ALL BE FOCUSED ON RIGHT NOW!”
Leave it to England, right? I mean, even their version of “Succession” is funnier than ours. (Which is really funny! Love and respect to all involved!)
Yeah, Harry and Meghan are leaving the Royal Family for North America, where they’ll be “financially independent.” And really, what says “2020” like a Royal Prince working at Burger King or Dairy Queen? (In the Line of Succession, he’s not high enough for White Castle. But who is?) #TAG
Evidently, Harry decided he wanted to quit his family just after the holidays. You can read all about it in the new book, “Royals: They’re Just Like Us.”
Many think Meghan will be just fine, despite breaking up a British institution. “Okay!” laughed Yoko.
Actually, Meghan’s got some things in the works, and has already signed a deal with Disney. And really – what better place to go when you’re tired of playing a princess than Disney? “And no singing!”
It’s also rumored Meghan could star in a reality show. Instead of yelling, “I didn’t come here to make friends!” she’ll say, “I did not arrive to court curtsies!”
Yeah, Meghan may get her own reality show. And not to be outdone, Prince Harry just placed fifth in a Ron Weasley lookalike contest.
Right now, Harry and Meghan plan to spend time in Canada. And you can tell the Queen’s desperate to keep them, because instead of tea and crumpets, she’s switched to Tim Horton’s and bear claws. “Pity the Leafs won’t take it this year, eh?”
Yeah, a member of the Royal Family moving to Canada. Marking the first time hockey players are like, “Get a load of the teeth on that guy…”
Apparently, there was a tense four-way conference call between Harry, Charles, Elizabeth and Prince William. It got even worse when the Queen got there first and heard the hold music.
Queen Elizabeth was said to be shocked, shaken and alarmed when she heard Harry was leaving. So, Prince Charles told her 10 more times. “He’s LEAVING, Mum! Won’t be HERE ANYMORE, Mum! Won’t hear him say BOO! Mum…BOO!”
But the Queen’s really upset, and spokespeople for the Royal Family warned that Harry could be punished. Which explains why today, William was walking around with a head full of red hair.
It came out that Prince Harry has been advised by his personal friend, President Obama. While Queen Elizabeth received guidance from her old babysitter, Bernie Sanders.
But the whole thing doesn’t make any sense to me. I mean really – who just walks away from everything to move up north with his wife?
Still, you can understand Harry being frustrated. In the Line of Succession, he’s ahead of his son Archie, and behind Peppa Pig.
Apparently, Harry sent Prince Charles a proposal a couple weeks ago, but was told his father needed more time to think about it. Donald Trump Jr. was like “Your dad reads your proposals??” While Eric said, “Your dad gives you his address? Because I’ve looked, and there’s no 1313 Mockingbird Lane.”
Actually, you can tell President Trump’s a little confused about the situation. When he heard Harry was leaving, he said, “Does this mean he won’t be in the Royal Rumble? Either way – I still pick Doink.”
Let’s see how people are reacting to that Royal Family runner:
President Trump’s impeachment trial could begin next week. Marking the first trial where the defendant tries to get out of it by being racist. “Have I offended the Eskimos yet??”
After Iran admitted to “accidentally” shooting down a Ukrainian airliner, many are calling on Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to quit. So don’t be surprised when you see him playing Santa in a Hallmark Channel movie with Meghan Markle.
And Israel has reportedly created a laser system designed to intercept weapons of mass destruction. Yeah, a laser that prevents bombs– people were like, “How the hell do you explain ‘Cats’??”
Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin oversaw a hypersonic missile test in Crimea. You could never ask Trump to do that, because he thinks “hypersonic” means “excited hedgehog.”
Bernie Sanders was on the “Today” show when he ran into someone familiar. Take a look:
So I guess there is a white people version of “Us.”
You’ll know there’s been a terrible mix-up when the State of the Union is just 45 minutes on zippers. “I say we put ‘em on shoes! Look: we put ‘em on shirts! We put ‘em on pants! What about the feet?? Beats Velcro! Because with Velcro, you have to deal with that awful TEAR! Gotta say – not a big fan of the tear! Anyone here a double-knotter? Gonna letcha in on a little secret: the TRIPLE-knot. Huh? How ‘bout THAT?”
But Elizabeth Warren said she’s disappointed to hear Bernie Sanders has been urging his supporters to “trash” her. Which isn’t surprising, since they’ve already recycled Bernie.
This all started when there were reports Bernie was sharing a script on how to criticize Warren. So if nothing else, just enjoy the idea of Bernie Sanders trying to use Final Draft. “How can I be on Page 11 of 10?? This whole thing is rigged!!” #WGAStaffingBoost
And Judge Judy announced that she will endorse Michael Bloomberg for president. She’s not the only daytime star getting involved – today, Trump asked surprised Don Jr. with a DNA test on “Maury.” “Don’t worry about Eric – he’s just a robot that got left in the rain.”
And Cory Booker announced he is dropping out of the race in a video he posted online. Then he came back a few hours later and said, “Come on guys - let’s get this up to 100 views by Friday!”
FX says its series about the Clinton-Lewinsky affair has been delayed. It sounds good though – Lewinsky will be played by Beanie Feldstein, while Bill Clinton will be played by Bill Clinton.
It came out that surveillance footage of Jeffrey Epstein’s first suicide attempt was deleted by mistake. When pressed about footage of his final suicide, officials said, “Yeesh – you guys are pushier than his murderer!”
Speaking of movies, Oscar Nominations came out today! “Joker” led the way with 11. That includes “Best Actor,” “Best Picture,” “Best Director” and “Please Explain ‘Rock and Roll Part 2.’”
Joaquin Phoenix was nominated for Best Actor. Which would mark the first acceptance speech where Matthew McConaughey says, “Didn’t understand a word.” “Okay – so time is actually like an octagon. And it’s up to all of us to sand the corners of that octagon…”
Female filmmakers were completely shut out of the Best Director race. People in Hollywood said, “That’s a disgrace!” – then got back to donating to Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg.
“Marriage Story” received six nominations, including one for Best Picture. It’ll be weird if it wins and the producers are like, “Love you, Dylan – now go to bed!” “Come on, it’s the Oscars – let him stay up!” “WHY DON’T YOU EVER SUPPORT ME??”
“The Irishman” was also nominated for Best Picture. And given the age of everyone involved, they’ll announce that it won at the beginning and hope everyone makes it to the stage by the end. “Uh oh – Pacino’s wandering into the orchestra pit…”
Actually, “The Irishman” received 10 nominations. Which could mark the first time an Oscar-winning movie is actually longer than the Oscars.
Also nominated: the film “Jojo Rabbit,” about a child whose imaginary friend is Hitler. Then Trump said, “You guys can see Putin too, right?”
The song “Into the Unknown” from “Frozen 2” is up for Best Original Song. Which will be great when a confident John Travolta carefully says, “And now to perform it – Idina…Covfefe!”
After Adam Sandler’s film “Uncut Gems” was snubbed by the Academy, he’s apparently planning to make “the worst movie ever” to get back at voters. Then someone who saw “Cats” said…
Receiving six nominations was “Little Women.” Also known as “The reason she let you choose ‘Joker,’ ‘The Irishman,’ and ‘Ford vs. ‘Ferrari.’”
That’s right, another film up for Best Picture is Ford vs. Ferrari. Not to be confused with that other story: “Edelman vs. Mercedes.”
Patriots star Julian Edelman was arrested in California after jumping onto a moving Mercedes and damaging it. On the bright side, it’s the first tackle a Patriot’s made all month.
And Tom Brady released a statement saying he’s not done with professional football – and some insiders are saying he could play for the Cleveland Browns. Fans were like, “Well – which is it?”
But O.J. Simpson tweeted that Brady will be back with the Patriots. In fact, he’d bet Brady’s life on it.
Actually, O.J. said he had an argument about it with some other guys at a barbershop. But personally, I have more questions for the guys who argued with O.J. in the presence of scissors and razors.
In the past, O.J. has referred to Brady as the greatest quarterback ever – ahead of Peyton Manning. Which is surprising, because you’d think O.J. would pick the white Bronco.
But right now, everyone’s excited for the Playoffs. In fact, the White House released a statement saying “We can’t wait for the [Niners/Packers/Chiefs/Titans] to visit President [Trump/Pence]!”
Of course, the 49ers are led by quarterback Jimmy Garroppolo. So look forward to them winning it all, and Trump preemptively uninviting Janeane Garofalo.
During their win over the Seahawks, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers could be heard shouting the audible, “Yellow weasel! Yellow weasel!” Then out of habit, Mitch McConnell said, “Yeah?”
The Ravens were like, “Idiot – you’re supposed to get drunk BEFORE the game.”
The big story was the Titans upset over the Ravens. And a podcast resurfaced where Titans coach Mike Vrabel said he would cut off his penis in exchange for his team winning the Super Bowl. And you thought it was weird seeing Curt Schilling’s bloody sock in the Hall of Fame.
Yeah – he said he’d cut off his manhood for a Super Bowl win. You know football’s getting rough when even coaches are getting sacked.
And I guess we can forget about him coaching the Trojans. (Or going long inside Beaver.)
Let’s see what people are saying about that Mike Vrabel runner…
A company has introduced cardboard beds for the 2020 Summer Olympics that can only hold two people at a time. Or in other words – no triathlons.
The Washington Post ran an article on how men in the tech world feel pressure to have cosmetic surgery. Then Bill Gates said,
Speaking of turtles. A tortoise that had enough sex on the Galapagos Islands to save his species from extinction is finally returning home. Or as he told his wife, “Eh, you know how these conferences are – bunch of boring speeches, trying to sell you a tank-share in Florida. Anyway…night!”
Yeah, just one turtle is responsible for 40% of an island’s turtle population. And I guess he did it by using he pickup line, “How’d you like a guy who’s cool, rude and a party dude?”
A New Jersey mom says Amazon shipped an order of diapers were filled with urine and feces. New Jersey officials immediately removed the dirty diapers, and threw them in the street where they belong.
Jon