A lot happened over the weekend, but to sum up: Renée Zellweger won Best Actress, Joaquin Phoenix won Best Actor, Bong Joon-ho won Best Director and Joe Biden won Worst Gaffer.
At a rally in New Hampshire, Biden referred to a woman as a “dog-faced pony soldier.” Fun fact: the Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers are also the worst team in the XFL.
After a disastrous weekend, many are saying Biden will finish fifth in New Hampshire. Finishing fifth in Massachusetts? The Red Sox.
And the Oscars were last night, but they were a bit different this year. Instead of the orchestra playing people off when their speech ran long, Nancy Pelosi just tore it up.
Last night’s Oscars had no host or hostess. When asked where they got the idea, they said, “Friendly’s.” “Do I just…sit at the table with the least ice cream spilled on it, errrr…?”
The very first Netflix film from the Obamas’ production company, “American Factory” won an Oscar. When he heard that, Trump said, “Okay – release the pee tape. And I want Randy Newman to do a song!”
At one point, Utkarsh Ambudkar performed a freestyle rap about the show. Then Martin Scorsese said, “Now what the hell am I gonna do up there??”
During his speech after winning Best Actor, Joaquin Phoenix talked about how we artificially inseminate cows and steal their milk and their calves. Which raises the question: what the hell was he gonna talk about if he lost?? (That was the happy speech??)
That sounds like if Quentin Tarantino directed a Far Side cartoon.
And “Parasite” made history, when it became the first foreign language film to win Best Picture since “Rocky.”
After winning, director Bong Joon-ho said, “I’m ready to drink tonight.” Then he raced back to the mic and said, “But not milk!”
That’s right, the Oscar for “Best Picture” went to Parasite. While “Worst Picture” went to this:
Okay – maybe he HAS personally inspected North Korea’s nukes.
That’s what’s known as “Snooky” up front and “Wookie” in the back.
Man – even his TAN’S base is completely white.
Like the Easy-Bake Oven he was apparently trying to use, the picture blew up after Trump retweeted someone with under 200 followers and called the picture fake. Or as Eric put it, “OMG, he finally followed me!”
After the chaos at the Iowa Caucuses, Tulsi Gabbard is calling on the head of the DNC to step down. Gabbard said, “Isn’t it crazy how some people just don’t get the hint that everyone wants them to quit??”
Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg emerged as the two winners in Iowa. Which either gives us an intriguing ticket, or a weird sequel to “Looper.”
After being criticized for taking donations from billionaires, Buttigieg took at shot at Bernie’s own wealth, and said he’d be happy to accept a donation from him. Which is why today, he received a truckload of cough drops and Sweet’N Low packets.
While talking about education in New Hampshire, Bernie said there’s something “crazy” when baseball players can get contracts worth hundreds of millions, but teachers struggle to make 30,000. In response, teachers said, “Yeah – but we’re talking about Mookie, here.”
Yeah – the example he used to win over New Englanders this weekwas paying a baseball player. Then he said, “What I mean is, it’s a shame we can’t open more libraries just by bulldozing some Dunkinses!”
In order to cut payroll, the Red Sox traded their best player, Mookie Betts, to the Dodgers. Sox fans were throwing beer bottles and calling in to yell on talk radio – then they heard about the Mookie trade.
The Red Sox said, “We know this looks like another case of bad PR, thoughtless decisions and disrespecting African American ballplayers. Have a nice weekend.”
And President Trump said Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose should be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Incidentally, “Cincinnati Red” is also the setting on Trump’s tanning bed.
The revamped XFL was a big hit this weekend, and many credit its quick pace and straightforward rules. Which explains Vince McMahon’s next project: the XDNC.
And the cast of “Friends” is very close to reuniting for a special on HBOMax. When asked about the holdup, they said, “Marcel the Monkey is still on probation.”
A British Airways flight set an all-time speed record when it traveled from New York to London at 825 miles per hour. When asked if it was due to weather, pilots said, “No – one of the passengers brought a tuna fish sandwich.”
U.S. to London at 800-miles-per-hour. Also known as “the Reverse Prince Harry.”
But aviation experts say the captain of the plane is officially the fastest pilot ever. Then the ladies on “The Bachelor” said, “Think again…”
A former Satanic priest in New York says he actually went to Hell, where Satan tried to murder him, and decided to change his ways. Marking the least disturbing priest story in the past 20 years.