The Daily Dozen 5.9.20

Say what you will, but that July 4th Hailstorm is gonna be SIIIIIIIIIIICK! 🎆🇺🇸

That’s right, today was May 9th – and it snowed. But, it let me play a cool new game: “Guy making snow angel, or guy killed by Murder Hornets?”

You know quarantine’s lasted a while when even Mother Nature’s like, “What day is this??”

Speaking of mothers, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Which will make it awkward when I tell Mom my flowers must’ve gotten lost in the walk from upstairs to the kitchen.

President Trump reflected on his mother recently, and said in her eyes, he could do no wrong. While no one had the heart to tell him that was actually Sean Hannity pulling a Mrs. Doubtfire. “Hello!!!”

Ivanka Trump’s personal assistant tested positive for COVID-19. Ivanka and Jared were immediately tested for the virus, while the virus was tested for Don Jr. And Eric.

Press secretary – and wife of Trump aide Stephen Miller, Katie Waldman – tested positive for COVID-19. And fleas. And ticks. And mites. And loss of reflection…

If you’re not familiar, this is Stephen Miller:

Miller says he has no idea how his wife got sick, then got back to eating his bowl of bats.

But speaking of animals… 

The good news is, a llama may be the key to a vaccine. The bad news? This is the llama:

During a leaked phone call with former staffers, President Obama referred to Trump’s handling of the pandemic as an “absolute chaotic disaster.” He then turned the conversation back to electing Joe Biden – or, “Operation: Better Chaotic Disaster.”

There were a number of glitches during a Joe Biden Zoom rally. The worst part was when Biden ended up in the middle square with the graphic, “Vice-President Biden as Alice.”

There’s talk the election might need to be conducted by mail. Because when I look at how smoothly our elections have gone, I think, “Let’s add the Postal Service to the equation!”

It could be tricky, so if you have questions on how to mail in an election, just ask Hillary.

But I’m okay with it. When I asked my mailman if we had anything to worry about, he said…

UFC returned this weekend in an empty arena. Which made it awkward when the ref could be heard saying, “And as always – no tickling!”

Yep, UFC returned. And the first fight was a rematch between that Praying Mantis and Murder Hornet.

A new video shows a Praying Mantis eating a Murder Hornet. Wildlife activists called the footage reprehensible, while officials in Georgia said, “Eh, let’s give it a few months and see if it goes viral…”

Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo had his Twitter account hacked on Thursday. As a result, he’s chosen a more secure password: “Giannis Antetokounmpo.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said games would have to be held in empty arenas until a vaccine is approved. When asked how he’d approach games without fans, Silver said, “See how the Patriots handle it.”

The NFL announced its schedule on Thursday. The first game will kick off on September 10…and end in a 0-0 tie when nobody wants to pick up the ball.

Some sad news. Roy Horn of the legendary live tiger act Siegfried and Roy passed away at 75. Or as God put it, “Shit – I was aiming for Joe Exotic.”

Roy Horn – who spent his entire life performing with tigers – died of COVID-19. And after, the tigers got a call from some Australian crocodiles saying, “We know just how you feel.”

And lastly, the legendary Little Richard passed away at 87. Morning shows ran tributes, while “Fox & Friends” put up a graphic of Tupac. “I’m told it’s actually ‘Lil Richard’!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.6.20

Today is National Nurses Day! To nurses like my Aunt Jill – thank you, thank you, thank you!

To pay tribute, I asked my aunt what she wanted for a gift, then a doctor came in to ask the same questions all over again.

But to show you how crazy things have gotten, “Black Mirror” writer Charlie Brooker says he’s stopped writing, because he feels we’re “already in a dystopia.” And that’s just after seeing Nicolas Cage is playing the Tiger King.

As if that’s not enough, NASA says an asteroid came very close to Earth on Monday, but our satellites failed to notice it. To be fair, the asteroid was wearing a face mask.

While President Trump toured a face mask plant in Arizona, the James Bond anthem “Live and Let Die” played in the background. That’s why he introduced himself by saying, “The name’s President. Worst President.” 

Yep, the Guns ‘N Roses version of “Live and Let Die” played as he toured the plant. Voters said, “That’s okay – next time it’ll be November Rain.”

Yep, Trump decided not to wear a face mask at a face mask factory. Which is about the same as wearing a D.A.R.E. shirt to Burning Man.

But Trump DID wear goggles:

Well, now we know what would happen if Kurt Rambis had a baby with the Michelin Man.

Looks like Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” got stung by a thousand Murder Hornets.

And Trump says nobody is blaming him for unemployment. He said, “I’m telling you – other than Reince Priebus, John Kelly, Mick Mulvaney, Omarosa, Kirstjen Nielsen, Omarosa a few more times, Steve Bannon, Sebastian Gorka, Michael Flynn, H.R. McMaster, John Bolton, Fiona Hill, Rob Porter, Sean Spicer, The Mooch, Hope Hicks, Hope Hicks again, Stephanie Grisham, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Gary Cohn, Peter Navarro, Omarosa again I think?, Don McGahn, Ty Cobb (the lawyer), Ty Cobb (the baseball player’s ghost), Ronny Jackson, Chris Christie (which counts as two), Jeff Sessions, Mike Pence eventually, James Mattis, Rick Perry, Sally Yates, Andrew McCabe, Rex Tillerson, Nikki Haley, Mike Pompeo, did I say Omarosa?, Linda McMahon, and the first two Fake Melanias – my GIANT hands are clean!”

Today, Kellyanne Conway said President Trump looks at the whole country as a battleground. Which explains why he yelled “Bone spurs!” and took off in a jetpack.

Germany is eyeing an “accelerated” return to normalcy in May. Which is good, because when have things ever gone wrong when Germans organized rapidly? 

A Dallas salon owner got seven days in jail for reopening her salon during the pandemic. Which should explain the upcoming gang war between The Perms and The Rachels.

In Chicago, an inmate used a facemask to switch places with another prisoner who was being released. On the bright side, he also founded a successful ad agency and created an iconic commercial for Coke.

I read that casinos owned by Native American tribes are free to reopen. Critics said, “But you’d be spreading disease and famine!” And Native Americans said, “…Sounds awful.”

Officials actually have a good plan for shutting the casinos down: selling them to Trump.

Two industries that are really suffering are automakers and beef suppliers. Then horses said, “You know, pulling a carriage isn’t that bad…”

Airlines are slowly reopening, but many will insist on taking passengers’ temperatures. Then United said, “And that includes all the loose scorpions!”

While some retailers are announcing plans to reopen, TJ Maxx stores remain closed. Which is surprising, because if there’s one thing I thought they’d never do, it’s fold.

I read that motorcycles sales are down due to COVID-19. As a result, men are just sending mass e-mails that say, “I am bald.”

Yeah, nobody’s buying motorcycles. When asked what he’s afraid of, one biker said:

But there is some good news. Experts say the key to a cure for COVID-19 may lie within a llama. Then they said, “Or an emu.”

Belgian scientists actually think they’re on the verge of a cure, and all they have to do is extract the particle from a four-year-old llama. Then beef suppliers said, “About that…”

There was an awkward moment during a Supreme Court conference call when a toilet could be heard flushing. Which explains why the case resulted in four guilties, four innocents, and one “Don’t come in here!!”

Yeah, a toilet flushed. Then one of the Justices said, “Sorry – had to dismiss a juror. Had to lighten my caseload. I was facing double jeopardy. Had to follow doo-doo-process…”

It was announced that Mortal Kombat 11’s “Aftermath” add-on will feature RoboCop. But that was overshadowed when they announced it will also feature Paul Blart.

And lastly, Jim Gaffigan will play my genuine favorite monologue character of all time: the late, great Toronto Mayor Rob Ford…

Gaffigan wasn’t their first choice, but they couldn’t get the Kool-Aid Man.

OH YEAH! KEEP YOURSELVES UP!! 🇨🇦

 JON!!

The Daily Dozen 5.5.20

I know there’s a lot of anxiety right now. So do like me and take some time away from the news and your projects, power up NBA 2K20, and see that you panic-beat the Rockets by 25 on the road at 3 a.m. and completely forgot about it.

Today is Cinco de Mayo. I’m sorry, I wrote that wrong. It should be: TODAY IS CINCO DE MAYO?? (So, can I put away the snow blower, errr…?)

I celebrated the best I could: chugging a jar of mild Ortega sauce and Zooming with a mariachi band.

Of course many will be trying drink recipes found online. But make sure they come from a licensed mixologist and not a sitting U.S. President. “Kool-Aid + Windex + Air Conditioner Drippage = TASTIE TREET! Enjoy!”

There are reports the White House is thinking of winding down its coronavirus task force. Which makes sense, considering the crowd in the background at Trump’s last briefing:

Meanwhile, Mark Cuban was asked about running for president and says he hasn’t “closed the door.” Then he heard about Murder Hornets and said, “CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR!”

Chris Christie pushed to reopen the country despite grim COVID-19 projections, saying, “There are going to be deaths no matter what.” Incidentally, that’s also what Christie says on Free Donut Day.

Actually, when I saw Chris Christie trending, I assumed he’d just eaten the rest of Alex Jones’ neighbors.

But a meat shortage has led some fast food chains to reduce the amount of beef on their menus. Which explains that new menu item: The McNapkin.

For some, it’s paying off. For example, here’s Grimace when burgers were on the menu:

 And here’s Grimace now…

But Taco Bell is selling a new kit to help people make their food at home. In fact it’s so authentic, the final ingredient is “Roll eyes at self while claiming all those tacos are ‘for my coworkers.’” 

The NFL will release its 2020 schedule this week, despite COVID-19. But I felt a little uneasy when I saw the first game features the Las Venus Raiders and the Jupiter Jaguars.

And the New York Jets signed star running back Frank Gore. Fans were excited until they introduced their new quarterback: Al Gore.

The Obamas will host a virtual commencement ceremony for the class of 2020 featuring BTS, Lady Gaga and former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. But only if Gates and Gaga touch base to make sure they don’t wear the same thing.

Yep, BTS, Lady Gaga and Robert Gates. It should be a wonderful ceremony…for the Classes of 2030, 2009 and 1948.

Frontier Airlines has a new promotion guaranteeing an empty seat next to you for . As opposed to the other way to keep the seat next to you empty: take off your shoes.

Today, Elon Musk welcomed a baby boy with his girlfriend, Grimes. The nurses were like, “Push!” while Musk went, “10…9…8…7…6…”

When Musk asked for help changing its diaper, the nurse said, “Jeez, you don’t have to be a…uh, you know, certain kind of person who does science stuff.” 

And the baby is apparently named “X Æ A-12.” Incidentally, that’s also what I have to type into this blog to prove I’m not a robot.

There’s a rumor Pope Benedict is trying to sabotage Pope Francis. But before choosing sides, I’ll just wait for Kris Jenner to leak their phone call.

I read an op-ed that says conspiracy theories tend to run rampant when people feel helpless. But isn’t that what Jim Morrison would want us to believe, man??

Police in Utah pulled over a five-year-old boy who stole his parents’ car. Everyone had a good laugh about it until they called his parents and heard a phone ring in the trunk.

Yep, police removed a child who was at the wheel. Then voters said, “How’d you do it?”

And lastly, there’s a viral video that shows a Murder Hornet killing a mouse in less than a minute. And right after, the Hornet got a call saying:

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.4.20

Well it’s official: we finally have our Worst “Friends” B-Roll of All-Time:

Today is May the 4th, or “Star Wars Day.” It’s weird during quarantine, because right when you’re gonna say “Nice Chewbaccca costume!” you realize you’re looking in the mirror.

It’s affecting everyone, because today Darth Vader said, “Luke – I am your teacher.”

Actually, this week is National Teacher Appreciation Week. And so’s next week. And the week after that. And the week after that. And the week after that…

Speaking of children, President Trump said he is being treated worse than President Lincoln. People were like, “Lincoln suffered irreparable brain damage that robbed him of his senses and left him unable to communicate—actually, when was Trump’s last physical?”

Don’t worry. The only time Trump’s ever been to the theater was to see “Police Academy 4.” “Movies are like wives; I ignore the first three.”

Trump says the press has treated him worse than Lincoln during the Civil War. He kinda has a point; how come Lincoln never gets any crap for that time he tossed a bunch of paper towels at the Battle of Gettysburg? “The Confederacy is a hoax! Sad!”

Speaking of Lincolns, CBS passed on David E. Kelley’s drama “The Lincoln Lawyer.” Instead, they’ve turned their attention to a new series: “Murder Hornets, She Wrote.”

Everyone’s worried about the Murder Hornets. But the focus on them has taken attention away from other law-breaking pests who are also quite horrible. For instance, there’s….

 The Distribution of Steroids Meerkat

The Boys & Girls Clubs of America Embezzlement Booklice

The “Pray the Gay Away” Mantis

And of course… 

The Zoom-Bombing Chipmunk

People in Boston broke quarantine to protest at the State House. Officials refused to relax Boston’s social distance guidelines, and said residents just have to be racist from home. 

In New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo’s popularity has risen to 77 percent. While today, Bill de Blasio’s car was keyed just 77 times. (His license plate does say “BADMAYR.”)

Clarence Thomas broke a three-year silence during a Supreme Court teleconference. Even crazier, it was to say, “Carole definitely fed her husband to those tigers.”

As if things aren’t bad enough, China is apparently set to unveil a stealth nuclear bomber that could reach Los Angeles. But things will work out when it’s eaten by a Murder Hornet.

ESPN announced it will start airing the Korean Baseball Organization. Which might backfire, since the only guys still watching baseball actually fought in Korea.

COVID-19 forced Gold’s Gym to file for bankruptcy. The weird thing is that even when the gyms are closed, they’ll still have a bunch of naked old guys walking around the locker rooms. “How do we change the TV from that crappy baseball league??”

Yep, Gold’s Gym filed for bankruptcy. When asked if they’ll go out of business, Planet Fitness said, “Wait – how are we in business to begin with? (We spend more on pizza than people pay to join…)”

Nicolas Cage will star in a new scripted series playing “Tiger King’s Joe Exotic. To make sure he gets the character right, Cage will prepare for the role by being Nicolas Cage.

You’ll know Cage put his own spin on things when they find Carole Baskin’s husband on the back of the Magna Carta.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen(ish) 5.3.20

Back not so much by popular demand, but by friendly suggestion:

It was a strange weekend. But to try and sum up: Kim Jong Un reemerged and was eaten by Alex Jones who was then murdered by a hornet?

Alex Jones actually said he wanted to eat his neighbors’ bodies and drink their blood. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard, and I’m going to pray for that man the next time I get Communion.

During a big tirade about “surviving,” Alex Jones said he would eat his neighbors. Or as one guy put it…

People knew something was up when Jones asked if they wanted Quiche Lorraine or Quiche Lamont.

More specifically, Alex Jones said he wanted to eat his neighbor’s ass. Women were horrified, while his neighbor Jeff was like, “Well, well, well – guess I don’t need that standing desk after all!”

And now scientists are saying we’re about to be invaded by “Murder Hornets.” Which is ironic, because the Murder Hornets were also favored to win the XFL Championship.

I actually feel bad for the lead Murder Hornet. He brings them all this way from Asia, and we’re all inside? That’s not an invasion – that’s a “Vacation” movie. “It doesn’t matter, kids! We’re still gonna have the hap-hap-happiest harvest since Jiminy Cricket tap-danced on Charlotte’s f*%&in’ web!!”

The Hornets thought they picked a good time, as Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day. At least it would’ve been, if people’s sweatpants weren’t fused to their legs.

George W. Bush released a video calling for unity and bipartisanship during the fight against COVID-19. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney released a video saying he shot one of the Murder Hornets in the face.

But Trump keeps pushing for the country to reopen, and tweeted out a tribute to boaters. Or as he put it, “From my sinking ship to yours…”

Last week, the Blue Angels and the Thunderbirds flew over New York City to “raise people’s spirits.” Because if there’s one thing that’ll relax New York City, it’s LOW-FLYING PLANES. “Here’s another idea. Know how everyone on the street’s alone? One night a week, we let Son of Sam out…”

To stop the spread in New York, Governor Cuomo helped disinfect a 7 Train in Queens. Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani pitched in by riding a coin-operated horse outside P.C. Richard.

Since the Kentucky Derby was canceled, Churchill Downs held a virtual race featuring several dead horses. And at the end, they thanked their sponsor: Taco Bell.

Yeah, virtual racing. But one guy lost so much betting on it, he had to sell all his air guitars.

Major League Baseball is working on a plan to play games in Florida. It’ll get weird when a drunken streaker runs onto the field and they say, “It’s cool – he’s the governor.”

Yeah, baseball teams would only play in Florida, Texas and Arizona. Which means Phillies fans would have to mail opposing pitchers single-A batteries.

The NHL says it will allow hockey players to resume small group activities. You know, like…watching hockey.

And the NBA is looking to play its games at Disney World. And this is nice: when the players ride “It’s a Small World,” they’ll get to see the kids that made their shoes.

And lastly, it turns out ESPN’s documentary on the 90s Bulls isn’t even finished, even though it’s already airing. You’ll know they rushed it when the finale’s just a guy saying, “There’s nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t date Carmen Electra!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Just Some Jokes 4.26.20

Well hello.

It’s now day 40 or 50-whatever of the quarantine. I hadn’t fully realized how long it had been until I heard my daughter listening to “Teenage Shark.”

I haven’t posted for a bit. I was buying wipes – or as Trump calls them, “Fruit Roll-Ups.”

After Trump’s press briefing, Joe Biden sent out a tweet saying, “I can’t believe I have to say this, but don’t drink bleach.” Then Biden said, “Blowing bubbles in it? Hell yeah! Rock’n’roll! But no drinking!”

Elmo went on CNN to get information on COVID-19 from Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Meanwhile, Oscar went on Fox news and made jokes about Lorena Bobbitt with Dennis Miller.

Some parents have given up homeschooling. Experts in Boston say it’s unrealistic; experts in Oregon say it’s overwhelming; and experts in West Virginia think the teacher’s sleeping with the students.

Speaking of families, it’s rumored that Kim Jong Un is near death, and his role will be filled by his “even crazier” sister, Kim Yo Jong. That sounds less like a succession plan, and more like a quick fix when someone quits a Chuck Lorre sitcom.

Yep, Kim Jong Un is apparently a vegetable after surgery. So if you feel a loud rumble, it’s not nukes; just every comedy writer stampeding towards the words “Kim Jong Un” and “vegetable.”

If that’s not scary enough, a giant asteroid is set to pass by Earth on Wednesday. Researchers say it shouldn’t come too close, while the Mayor of Las Vegas cleared the Strip so it can land.

Last week was the NFL Draft, and everyone had to make picks from home due to COVID-19. Or as the NFL calls it, COVID XIX.

The big story was the dog sitting at Bill Belichick’s computer during ESPN’s live coverage:

So if you see a man who looks like Belichick chase after a fire truck, now you know why.

Laugh all you want, but the dog managed to snag two first-rounders from the Browns and suspend all pension benefits for Michael Vick.

Rob Gronkowski came out of retirement to play for Tampa Bay. It should be fun when he gets there and says, “No way! The last quarterback I played with was named Tom Brady!”

One of the sports hit hardest by the pandemic is Major League Baseball, and there’s even some talk about contraction – or, the elimination of teams. But I thought instead of that, they could just merge a few teams and have them meet in the middle. For instance…

• The Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox become…the Buffalo Pink Sox.

• The Toronto Blue Jays and Tampa Bay Rays become…the Wilmington Ray Js.

• The Kansas City Royals and Cincinnati Reds become…The Belleville Prince Harrys.

• The Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves become…the Kentucky Something Even More Racist.

• The Detroit Tigers and L.A. Angels become…the Colorado Carole Baskin Husbands.

• And finally, the Texas Rangers and Houston Astros become…the Austin Powers.

The Rolling Stones’ new quarantine-inspired song, “Living in a Ghost Town” is the number one song on iTunes. That explains their follow up: “What the Hell is iTunes?”

Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney are in a fight about whose band was better. Yep, two guys in their 70s fighting about stuff they did in the 60s – or as that’s known in the U.S., “an election.” 

And lastly, Al Jardine says The Beach Boys are going to tour for their 60th Anniversary. Yep – a bunch of guys pushing 80, planning a new tour. Now you know I love The Beach Boys, and I was actually able to get a list of the new songs they’re working on. There’s…

1. Surfer Nurse

2. I Scoot Around

3. Help Me, Sanka

4. Fiber, Fiber, Fiber

5. Sleepin’ Safari

6. Surfin’ CPR

7. Little Deuce Pan

8. (Why Aren’t You Wearing) Pants, Pants, Pants

9. Palpitations

10. I Can’t Hear Music

11. Please Let Me Wander

12. Surf’s Up (For More Than Four Hours, Call Dr. Fauci)

13. In My Tomb

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

It's Good Friday Somewhere!

There’s apparently a new documentary where Pope Francis refers to Scotch whisky as the “real holy water.”

Then his AA group said, “Guess we know who ‘Pope F.’ is.”

People grew concerned at communion when he kept saying, “One sip for you, two sips for me!”

But the first sign of trouble was when he came to mass wearing a chalice helmet.

It got even stranger when everyone at St. Peter’s was treated to Papa John’s.

People knew he’d had enough when he asked them to join in the responsorial psalm, “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

It was especially troubling when he told people to say two Hail Marys and return with five Bloody Marys.

It only got worse when he went into the confessional and said, “Time to turn wine back into water!”

Ironically, he woke up the next morning with a tattoo of Calvin peeing on Judas.

Even crazier: he rose after four days.

I can’t say what program they’ve got Francis on, but there’s one Apostle per step.

The most humiliating part was paying 300 bucks to get the Popemobile out of a tow yard.

But I guess that explains that new Bible verse: David vs. Saying The Alphabet Backwards.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 4.5.20

How you doing? New York City - I love and miss you so much. Well before any of this. You’re home for me. So glad I got to see some of you a few weeks ago. As always, if you wanna talk, reach out. Let’s do it. (YOU talk about YOUR stuff, though, okay?)

Today, Pope Francis said Mass from an empty St. Peter’s Basilica. And even though it was on the internet, I still pretended to tie my shoe during the second collection.

In the meantime, people keep recommending podcasts to listen to. Which are absolutely perfect for when the gym’s closed and we can’t drive anywhere.

Because barbershops are closed, I might have to start giving myself haircuts. Or as friends put it, “What do you mean start? (You actually ask for the ‘Bert from Sesame Street’?)”

Today, President Trump held another press briefing – for people “who need to laugh.” (Don’t worry – as soon as he takes the stage, everyone is entitled to a refund or tickets to another press briefing.)

Trump made light of experts’ suggestion to wear masks, and said he doesn’t plan to wear anything on his head. And right at that moment, his hair chased after an ambulance.

Yesterday, Trump held a conference call with the heads of every major professional sports league. It got off to a rough start when he said, “You go first, Mr. Met.”

Trump still expects the NFL Season to start on September 10th. While analysts still expect the Browns’ season to end on September 10th.

But Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft is being praised for sending the team’s plane to retrieve medical supplies for New York City. It marks the first time in years New Yorkers saw a Jet deliver. (NOTE: I had to. That’s me taking my temperature.)

The NBA is working on a televised, virtual H-O-R-S-E competition where current players compete with legends. So you could see Steph Curry play from his home basketball court, while Charles Barkley plays from his home food court.

Actually, experts are urging people to be cautious at grocery and convenience stores. They said to be on the lookout for discoloration and profuse sweating – then 7-Eleven said, “So, our hot dogs?” 

But Joe Biden said he intends to keep campaigning, and will wear a mask. While his aides said, “It doesn’t have to be of Spider-Man.” (“Okay fine – get me Mr. Met!”)

And a tiger at the Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID-19. But don’t worry - the tiger plans to self-quarantine, and use its time off to go on Netflix and watch “Person King.”

American Airlines is facing criticism for cramming a flight’s only 11 passengers into the last three rows. Then Southwest said, “Psh – let us know when you jam ‘em into three seats.”

And as alluded to, Louis CK released a new comedy special for people “who need to laugh.” Even Caroline Kennedy said, “Think I’ll give that new Bob Dylan song a whirl…”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

WILBURY MOST TRAVELED

Bob Dylan felt proud. In a time of unprecedented fear and widespread panic, he had given America – no, the world – exactly what it needed: a 17-minute song about President Kennedy being shot in the head. “This will be mind-blowing,” thought Bob Dylan, completely missing his own bad joke. After grabbing a handful of jellybeans from his fish bowl, Bob Dylan checked his shadow in the mirror frame and turned towards his hat lodge. The phone rang.

            “Hi Bob!” said Bob Dylan’s manager. “The song’s out and people really seem to be aware of it!”

            “The one by me about JFKaaaaaaaayyyyy?”

            “No,” replied his manager, “I don’t know Tina Fey. Anyway, I know it wasn’t your first choice, but I think we made the right call naming it ‘Murder Most Foul.’” It wasn’t Bob Dylan’s first choice. But he was the only one in the hat lodge who voted for “I Hate a Parade.”

            “Anyway,” said Bob Dylan’s manager, “I’d love to chat, but I have a rich people panic room a.k.a. spacious yacht to escape to…” 

That took Bob Dylan’s mind back. The concept of moving. Trekking. Traveling. Suddenly, Bob Dylan was transported. Way back to 1988…

George Harrison’s wife said, “Honey, you have a phone call.”

            “Is it on the regular line, or the number we give just to Ringo?”

            “The regular one.”

            “You’re sure it’s not Ringo?”

            “Positive.”

            With that, George took the phone and said, “Paul??”

            “What? No,” said the voice on the other end. “It’s Jeff Lynne. From Electric Light Orchestra.”

            George thought a minute. “‘Saturday in the Park’?”

            “No, that’s Chicago.”

            George thought again. “‘The Boys are Back in Town’?”

            “No, that’s Thin Lizzie.”

            George just shrugged. “Well, what can I do for you, Jed?”

            “Jeff. I’m thinking of starting a new super-group and I want you to be in it.”

            “A super-group?” said Harrison. “What the devil is that? Do we have to fight crime??”

            “No, not superheroes. A super-group. A group of the world’s most famous musicians!”

            “Oh good,” George said. “Because I’ve never been in one of those.”

            “Sounds like you’re in. I’ll be right over to tell you more!”

            “Actually, I’m pretty busy with—”

            The doorbell rang. It was Jeff Lynne. “I stole this phone from Kenny Loggins.”

            “‘Don’t Bring Me Down’?”

            “No, that’s Electric Light Orchestra.”

            “Electric huh what-now?” Then, George Harrison noticed someone standing behind Jeff Lynne. “Tell you what,” he said. “If you bring that slender lassie along – I’ll be a part of any band you put together. What’s your name, m’lady?”

            The lassie spoke up excitedly: “Tom Petty!”

            The trio made their way to George’s living room and the planning began. “You know what we need?” said George Harrison. “A really deep, operatic voice. Too bad we can’t get Elvis.”

            “Costello?” asked Jeff Lynne. This left George Harrison puzzled.

            “No. Elvis Presley. Why the devil would I ever mean Elvis Costello? That’s like if I said I was watching ‘Pee-wee’s Playhouse’ and you asked ‘Pee Wee Reese’??”

            “How do you know about Pee Wee Reese?” asked Tom Petty, thumbing through George’s photos of Eric Clapton ugly sneezing.

            “I got his baseball card as a gift from Elvis Costello. Anyway, I adored Elvis Presley.”

            “Me too,” said Jeff Lynne.

            “I also love Elvis,” said Tom Petty – quickly adding, “And horses!”

            George Harrison grew serious, then asked what everyone else was secretly wondering. “Do you think there’s any way whatsoever we could somehow get Elvis Presley?”

            Their silence lingered. “Even though we’re superheroes now,” thought George, “we can’t change the past.” Indeed. Ever since he spilled Tab on a transformer and caused the 1977 New York City Blackout, Elvis was in hiding. But there was one man who was still available. And soon, he was standing in George Harrison’s living room.

            “Hey mate, what’s that, um…” said George Harrison, gesturing to Roy Orbison’s bag.

            “Is it a knapsack?” asked Jeff Lynne.

            “A satchel?” asked Tom Petty.

            “Wait,” said George Harrison, “Don’t tell me you’re carrying a–” 

            “Pursy!!” said Roy Orbison, unzipping it to show off 87 pairs of sunglasses.

            “Eh, can’t blame you. Look outside – here comes the” Crap! I’ll sound so lame! “…daylight! Anyhow, now that we have our fourth, it’s time to go for a fifth. How about Van Morrison?”

            “Nah, he would fit in perfectly,” said Jeff Lynne. “What about that chap Jackson Browne?”

            “Nah,” said George. “He sounds like a…super-specific…colorful shade. Like, ‘What color are those boat shoes?’ ‘Jackson Browne.’ ‘Ah. Do they come in Vida Blue?’”

            “Wait,” said Tom Petty. “How do you know Vida Blue?”

            “I re-gifted him my Pee Wee Reese card,” said George, growing impatient. “How about Bono?”

            Then everyone just watched, as Roy Orbison clutched at his sunglasses and purred nervously. “Sounds like someone’s purrvous,” said George Harrison – chuckling casually, then stopping to jot it down for his next Monty Python tryout.

            “I’ve got it!” said Jeff Lynne. “Bruce Springsteen.” They nodded in agreement for many hours. After a call to Bruce Springsteen’s wife…

            “It’s Jeff Lynne, from Electric Light Orchestra!”

            “‘Ride Like the Wind?’”

            “No, that’s Christopher Cross…”

            “‘Sailing’?”

            “Also Christopher Cross…”

…they were told Bruce had just left to go do a concert, but they were welcome to come over when it ended next month. It was a grueling wait – but they made use of it.

            “Guys?” asked Tom Petty, “What if something happens to us? What if we spill a Tab on a New York City transformer?”

             He had a point. “Perhaps,” said George, “it would be wise for us to come up with a fake last name. Something absolutely nobody would expect…” After a burp Roy Orbison tried to disguise as a purr, George said, “Wilbury.” Orbison burped again. “It’s decided, then,” said George. “No more Tab for Roy, and we’re changing our last name to Wilbury!” And after nodding their heads in agreement for many more hours, they finally saw Bruce Springsteen hop off of Clarence Clemons’ handlebars and run into his house – yelling “I WAS BORN TO DO THIS!”

            “Honey,” said Bruce Springsteen’s wife from “Sisters,” not Patti Scialfa, “phone call.”

            “IS IT THE REGULAR ONE, OR THE NUMBER I JUST GIVE MAX WEINBERG??”

            “The non-Max one.”

            “ALL RIGHT!! ALL RIGHT!!” He took the phone. “SPILL YOUR SAUCE TO THE BOSS!!”

            “Hi Bruce, this is Jeff Lynne from Electric Light Orchestra.”

            “‘CHEESEBURGER IN PARADISE’??”

            “My lads and I are forming a super-group, and we’d like you to join.”

            “I’M IN!” said Bruce Springsteen. “IF I STOP PERFORMING FOR MORE THAN THIRTY MINUTES, I TURN BACK INTO A TOAD!!”

            And with that, the Wilburys did what Wilburys do best: they traveled.

            “Did I leave my bedroom window open?” thought Harrison. Then, “Eh, I’m sure it’s fine.”

            Down the cul-de-sac they marched. They nodded at the Everly Brothers. They winked at the Pointer Sisters. They waved at Stevie Wonder – who hoped they hadn’t noticed him wave back. And, in an odd twist of fate, Chuck Berry watched them in secret while he went to the bathroom. But it was at the corner where Tom Petty lost his cool and blurted out, “What’s up Elvis??”

            Everyone stopped. Petty looked at the ground in shame. The others, at Petty in disbelief. And Elvis Presley slowly turned around from casually watering his plants – sheer fright in his panicked eyes.

            “I’m sorry,” said Tom Petty. “I mean…hi…Oprah.” Elvis/Oprah nodded, and they continued on.

            Bruce Springsteen waited eagerly at the window until he could see them approaching. “THERE THEY ARE!!” he shouted to his “Sisters” wife. “ALL OF ‘EM! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!!!” But sadly, they would never make it to Bruce Springsteen’s house…

Bob Dylan had just finished scooping up yet another dead bass from his popcorn machine. “It’s like they don’t even WANT to try a jellybeeeeeeean!” he said to his jellybeans. Solemnly, he made his way to dispose of the bass, only he was too late; the mailman had already come.“Oh well,” he said. “All there is to do now is strap it to some wood and make it sing some Al Greeeeeeeeeeen!” Then, something caught his eye. Four things. “People,” he said. “A sidewalk’s worst enemy…”

            As they grew closer, Tom Petty spoke up. “Hey, what’s that scarecrow doing by the mailbox?”

            Jeff Lynne squinted. “You mean that tattered mannequin holding a fish?”

            George Harrison narrowed his eyes. “You’re both right; it’s Bob Dylan.” And then, walking in this order – as that’s now how George insisted on crossing streets in fours – George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Tom Petty, and Roy Orbison said:

            “Damn it!”

            “Bloody hell!”

            “Crap!”

            “Cursie!”

            They were now face to face with Bob Dylan. “Wowwwwwieeeeeeee!” he said. “George Harrison! Roy Orbison! Tom Pettyyyyyy, and…help me out, man…”

            “Jeff Lynne, from Electric Light Orchestra.”

            “I love you guys!,” said Bob Dylan, pausing to speak Human. “‘Evil Woman’! ‘Livin’ Thing’! ‘Mr. Blue Sky!’” 

            Lynne paused. “I think we sing those?”

  “So,” asked Bob Dylan,“what are you four doin’ on this fine dayyyyyyyy??”

            “We’re starting a super group!” said Tom Petty, immediately hating himself again. “Of all days to wear a ‘Smart Blonde’ t-shirt,” he mused.

             “Yyyyyeah,” said George. We’re actually just on our way over to—”

            “Jumpin’ jellybeans, I’ll do it!” said Bob Dylan. And that’s how the Traveling Wilburys formed.

            They went on to record a string of hits, best described as a mix of rock, country, and four guys singing karaoke with Roy Orbison. But it was after his final recording session when Orbison packed his bags. “Heyyyyyy, Mr. Sunglassyyyyy? Where you going?” asked Bob Dylan.

            Orbison paused, then dramatically bellowed, 🎵“I’m ‘DYYYyyyYYYyyyING’…to a-VOID you!”🎵 Removing his sunglasses once and for all, Orbison said, “Make all royalties out to my new name – John Stamos.” Then, John Elvis Stamos, née Roy Costello Orbison, put his hand on Dylan’s shoulder, winked and said: “From now on? It’s have mercy.” Then added, “Off to stalk Dennis Wilson! – I mean, ‘Alf’!”

Keep Yourselves Up (& Healthy),

Jon

P.S.

UPDATED BAND STANDINGS

Friday Feelings 4.3.20

I Have Opinions…

Facebook Memories say a year ago this week, President Trump said: “I support the Great Lakes. Always have. They’re beautiful. They’re big. Very deep. Record deepness, right?” Anyway, that’s our leader during a deadly pandemic – the “deepness of lakes” guy.

Trump supporters are still wearing “Make America Great Again” hats. Everyone else is still mad at “Make America Great Again” hats. But if you like Trump, wouldn’t you reject the idea of Making America Great Again? You'd think it is. And if you don’t like Trump, wouldn’t you want to Make America Great Again? Everyone’s wearing the wrong hat! – and we realize this just as it’s unhealthy to make a hat swap. 🎵(Talkin’ ‘bout a “Hat Swap”)🎵

To those with school-aged children, hats way off. But let me say that if my lovely daughter were ten years older (and my lovely arthritic, autoimmune disease 22 years younger), my 11-week unit on Watergate would be in the very fullest of swings. “This,” I'd say, “is what fun is all about.” Relax, we’d take breaks. Instead of recess? Guidance on her 10-page paper about the Max Headroom Signal Intrusion Incident. "Who do we think it was? Who do we know it wasn't? Michael Jordan was King in Chicago back then – he could've gotten away with murder. And we THOUGHT Siskel & Ebert hated each other, but what if they decided to make a movie of their own? What was Oprah up to that night? I’ll throw THIS into the air for contemplation: was Mark Felt working double duty? Speaking of which… *checks watch*… G. Gordon Liddy isn't JUST an infomercial pitchman on Fox News..."

Speaking of G-Liddy, interesting to see Kim Kardashian’s documentary on prison reform. I wonder if there’s any notable felony, punishable by two to five years in prison, which piqued her interest…

By the way: if you ever write about things that happened in your life, it’s crazy how many eerie patterns and coincidences you'll discover. Stephen King, 11/22/63 shit. Life really does read like it's scripted. What I'm saying is, if I work in TV again and win an Emmy, I'm gonna be giving a really weird acceptance speech (where I also say we shouldn't eat pigs). #TurkeyBacon

“Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.” “You Don’t Mess Around With Jim.” I bet after he killed off Jim Croce, God was like, “I’m gonna get my ass kicked, aren’t I?”

The NBA’s idea to play a stripped-down playoff tournament in Las Vegas sans fans is absurd, embarrassing, and makes you wonder, “Where’d all that money go? ”You know, from the huge TV contract that ruined the league for four years? I said a week ago how I’d fix it (Here’s an additional idea: have teams 8-11 in each Conference battle for the final seed while retaining their weighted Draft Lottery slots). But now, based on the fact that players won’t be getting paid and the league is talking about hosting games in ballrooms, you wonder if all 30 teams will even stay in business. I love Charles Barkley, and his stance that there are too many bad teams is dead on. The idea of contraction, however, is not. When you add up coaches, scouts, trainers, video coordinators, training staffs, broadcasters, beat reporters, arena workers and nearby bars and restaurants, that’s thousands of people out of work. That’s not good business. That, my friends, is turrible.

Speaking of which – I guess this is WrestleMania week? (Do you think they’re calling it COVID-19, COVID XIX, OR COVID-X9?) I liked the rumor of moving it to June at Madison Square Garden – creating a watershed event that would lift New York City and fans around the globe. But I guess we’re in for pre-taped matches without fans. It’s a shame when you look at the card (Drew McIntyre vs. Brock Lesnar, John Cena vs. The Fiend, The Undertaker vs. AJ Styles, Roman Reigns vs. Goldberg). Those deserved to play out in front of thousands. Regardless, my Five Favorite WrestleMania Moments:

5. Hulk Slams Andre, WrestleMania III

The very first footage of wrestling I ever viewed, and the most iconic clip in WWE history. And it has special personal significance, as Dad flew Andre multiple times during the 80s and called him the nicest celebrity he encountered on the job. Andre would bellow, “How we lookin’ tonight, Boss?” into the cockpit, and drinks for passengers were on him. The crews loved him. Hulk Hogan, meanwhile, was notorious for another incident: one of the flight attendants finding the script for his match with Andre beneath his seat while cleaning the plane. I just picture Hulk getting to the Silverdome and saying, “Ohhh brother, brother!” 

4. The Dead Man Returns, WrestleMania XX

This was the return of all returns. Someone in his element– in his iconic iteration. I can’t believe we went four years with The Undertaker rebranded as “The American Badass.” And I don’t especially love the fact that he is again The American Badass, especially after Kid Rock’s Virus Rave. Though I have to admit, I actually said out loud, “Why are they having him go back to that instead of the Undertak—never mind.”

 3. Two Doinks, WrestleMania IX

The single-greatest swerve in wrestling history. Save your Hulk Hogan nWo turn – nobody saw this coming. The match itself is great storytelling, with Matt Bourne repeatedly going under the ring – ostensibly to retrieve a weapon when, in fact, he was reaching for ANOTHER CLOWN. Long before doppelgangers were “in,” Vince and Bruce surprised us all. Two mysterious, identical-looking characters in the 90s. My – what a premise…

2. Macho Man & Miss Elizabeth Reunite, WrestleMania VII

 …Yeah. Just gonna let that one sit for now…

1. The Warrior Returns

Little Rineman was not a fan of Papa Shango. So not a fan, he had to go to a psychologist to talk about his insomnia. At the same time, he and his friends had spent months wondering what happened to The Ultimate Warrior. There were the rumors he’d died. That he’d gone to Japan. One kid at school even said he’d become a chiropractor (which he described as “someone who does your taxes for you”). So when Shango did his (botched) run-in on the Hulkster, Little Rineman’s parents were regretted their decision to shell out $29.99 for the show. But when that familiar rock music started up, everything changed. I’ll never forget the iconic shot of the Warrior rounding the curve in the entrance aisle. Not only was this my favorite Mania Memory; as the Boston sports teams of the 90s stink, stank, stunk, this may be my favorite childhood sports memory, period. And one of my best memories as an adult was getting to share this with the Warrior’s wonderful family.

BTW: Keep an eye on AEW. Good swerves and storytelling. Just one scroll-stopper away…

If you feel down, don’t compound it by being ashamed of it. To all of us, by the minute, it feels like everything is getting worse. But something I’ve found is that feeling down can lead to good writing. Because your energy is low, your inhibitions are minimized. You’re honest, and it all comes pouring out. If you can, get to work on something. #WriteOn 

Keep Yourselves Up! Dig it??

Jon

The Daily Dozen 4.1.20

The Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:

1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.

2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.

3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”

4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.

Welp - Happy April Fools’ Year?

Yep, today is April Fools’ Day. But since we’re all stuck at home, I got my fix by hiding my cat’s stapler. (Haha! Now she’ll never finish my taxes!)

I’m trying to find silver linings. Like on one hand, every day we hear updates from President Trump. But since the entire month is 4/20, you can also experience updates from President SpongeBob.

Because everyone’s staying inside, more people are growing beards. In fact after watching that BTS livestream, my Dad said, “ZZ Top’s still got it!”

When I said, “That’s BTS. They grew beards like you, Dad,” Mom said, “Dad’s upstairs.”

Today, Governor Cuomo said, “There is no superhero who is immune to this disease.” Then another guy said, “Holy hazards, Batman! We better take a bath together!”

Experts say the oil industry could collapse because of the pandemic. Oil companies haven’t faced a drop like this since Donald Trump Jr. decided just to wear a hat.

Since all the malls are closed, wild animals have been breaking in. On the bright side, a family of squirrels just sold the most stuff at Sears in over three decades. “I’m telling you – this is a quality mower. Scares the shit out of us every time!”

After the players’ pay was frozen, the NBA might hold a quarantined playoff tournament in Las Vegas. Because when I hear “financially unstable NBA players,” my first thought is, “Let’s add Vegas to the equation.”

And Sony has pushed the release of “Ghostbusters: Afterlife” to next March. Of course, this led to crying, screaming and a massive tantrum – then my daughter said, “Relax Dad, we’ll see it next year.”

I read that Wayne Brady is self-isolating with his ex-wife and her new boyfriend. Then Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie said, “You know – we’re actually cool just watching this one.”

Xerox is canceling its hostile takeover of HP. According to business analysts, the pandemic really hurt Xerox’s top revenue stream: people copying their butts.

It’s scary though. And to show you how serious I’m taking this virus, when I wash my hands now, instead of “Happy Birthday,” I sing Bob Dylan’s new song about JFK.

I don’t want to say Dylan’s voice is bad, but they had to autotune his voicemail greeting.

I don’t want to say the song’s too long, but if you press play just while you’re starting a cross-country road trip, you’ll drive your car directly into the Grand Canyon.

I don’t want to say he rambles too much, but halfway through, the MyPillow guy shows up.

And lastly, speaking of music: The Who’s Pete Townshend is making a new record while under quarantine. Yep, it’s called “Don’t Let My Love in the Door.”

Like everyone, I’m saddened by the news of Adam Schlesinger’s passing from COVID-19. This is a my favorite Fountains of Wayne song, and I hope you enjoy it:

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.31.20

I got my Mom Netflix for her birthday. So long story short – when I’m done with this, I have to go walk her pet tigers.

Anyway…

The Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:

1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.

2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.

3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”

4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.

Just a reminder that tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Or as Dr. Fauci calls it, “President’s Day.”

To help people stay fit, USA Today is doing an at home workout series. I don’t want to say I’ve let myself go, but when I saw this morning’s focus is “the push-up,” I said, “Bra?”

Many people are still working out while practicing social distancing. Though I’m not sure a zombie scare is the best time to see eight blocks of people doing Tai chi. “Is that Vincent Price talking??”

Some good news: the NCAA granted a waiver allowing athletes an extra year of eligibility. And basketball players said they were extremely grateful for the laugh.

After recovering from COVID-19, Saints coach Sean Payton will donate blood. Patriots coach Bill Belichick also volunteered, but the nurse had a difficult time locating a heart.

Of course the nation is still experiencing a shortage of toilet paper. And even in the woods, I had to tip a guy five bucks for soaping my hands and giving me a mint.

But being stuck inside for so long can be tough, so if at any point you feel panicked, nauseous and dizzy, immediately turn off the president’s press briefing.

People are still talking about Trump’s briefing yesterday, where he said reporters to should congratulate him and had the MyPillow guy talk. In fact it was SO bad, Bob Dylan just wrote a 17-minute song about it.

I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is rough, but when you play it backwards, it sounds the same as it does when you play it forwards.

I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is too long, but Elon Musk leaves it on for his pets while he goes to Mars.

I don’t want to say Bob Dylan’s new song is bad, but Bob Dylan just wrote a song about it.

Speaking of incoherent mumbling: it’s rumored Fox News host Jeanine Pirro did her show drunk. Even crazier – there’s also a rumor the hosts of Fox & Friends do their show sober.

A story’s going viral about a man who had his lung removed, cleaned, and reinserted. Then the doctor said, “Welp, same time tomorrow. Say hi to Mick, Mr. Richards!”

Actually, today is AC⚡DC guitarist Angus Young’s 65th birthday. Which explains his new song: “You Shook Me Until 9 p.m.”

Yep, the band’s youngest member is 65. That also explains their new name: AA⚡RP.

Speakin’ of the tunes! My friend Liam Beatus and his pals came up with a pretty cool way to fill the March Madness void. Go to this link to vote - even though they left out, in my opinion, some MAJOR names (Little Richard, Jamis Joplin, ROY ORBISON!?????)

Here’s my bracket:

Broke my own heart in the Final Four, but The Beatles bailed me out ‘91 Bulls style.

Keep Yourselves Up. To the Champs!!

-Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.30.20

Today is my Mom’s birthday! When I sang 🎵“How old are you now??”🎵 she said, “Somehow, younger than you. What you wanna talk about now? Still Traveling Wilburys, or we back to D.B. Cooper?”

Anyway…

It’s Monday, so we review the Rules of the Daily Dozen, should you choose to play:

1) No more than ONE HOUR writing/researching/fact-checking.

2) No more than FIVE MINUTES choosing an order.

3) At least 12, no more than 14. “Learn to kill your darlings…”

4) Don’t worry if the jokes don’t age well. From the sounds of it, neither will we.

We’re still social distancing, with people staying at least six feet away from each other. That’s why today, someone actually said, “Could you please speak up, Senator Sanders?”

Over the weekend, Joe Biden recorded a 21-minute podcast. Then he asked for help uploading from a “Home Alone 2” Talkboy. “Hope and Change, you filthy animals!!” 

In today’s apocalyptic fever dream, President Trump called the MyPillow guy up to speak at his press briefing. And that was after firing an aide who said the Geico Gecko isn’t real. “Then get me the Budweiser Frogs!!”

It makes sense the MyPillow guy supports Trump, since we haven’t slept in four years.

Many wonder why networks are still airing Trump’s press briefings - especially after this:

Right after seeing that, Hell put up a “No Vacancy” sign.

Many New Yorkers are calling for a “rent strike” until work can resume. But New York City landlords said if their tenants so much as miss one month’s rent, they’ll keep treating them just as bad as always. “If I fix the sink, then there’s no water for the roaches to drink, then who’s gonna eat all the ants??”

The Daily Beast says even the Mafia’s had to adjust during the pandemic. Which explains why one guy was like, “I Zoom with a guy who Zooms with a guy. Don’t worry about it…”

A locked-down museum in Amsterdam says someone broke in and stole a painting by Van Gogh. And when he saw Van Gogh trending, Trump said, “He’s got it?? Okay – now we should quarantine. (He’s the guy who draws Waldo, right??)”

Meanwhile, a man in England is running a marathon in his back yard. Not on purpose – he just bumped into a hornets’ nest. “RUN THE HOSEPIPE FROM THE WATER CLOSET!!”

And lastly, ESPN will run classic Monday Night Football games every week. It’ll give people a chance to see current greats like Aaron Rodgers, Drew Breese and Tom Brady, as well as names from 50 years ago like Joe Namath, Johnny Unitas and Tom Brady. 

(If you didn’t see that last one coming, you need to isolate.)

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Happy Birthday, Mom! Love you!

The Daily Dozen 3.29.20

Just opened up my Weather app and it said, “Hahaha - good one.”

Anyway…

Health experts are still urging us to practice social distancing. And as a rule of thumb, they say you should stay as far away from strangers as Dr. Fauci stays from President Trump.

Trump is still facing criticism for his handling of the pandemic, though he did urge people to observe Sunday Mass online. I’m not sure he gets it; today, he asked for the words to “the Apollo Creed.” “And I believe in one Rocky, the one where he’s bullied by Russians…”

As you may know, I have rheumatoid arthritis – and since it’s an autoimmune disease, I’ve had to isolate and FaceTime with my daughter. But she’s given me the cutest nickname: “Boring Shark.”

And oh, hey sharks? I hear David Geffen is especially ripe this season. 🎵Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo! 🎵

Someone suggested video games as a way to take a break from writing. I was hesitant, but I must admit that in the time it’s taken each game to update, I’ve done a lot of writing.

But even the video games have changed. When you’re “on fire” in NBA Jam, a doctor shows up to take your temperature. “Stay in your ROOM-SHAKALAKA!”

And when they hear their names are Mario and Luigi – the turtles run from them.

BUT FOLKS!...

There is a silver lining: in all the hours I’ve spent alone, I’ve managed to get almost halfway through Bob Dylan’s JFK song. (I’m up to him living in Boston. Or, meeting Stone Cold Steve Austin – hard to tell BECAUSE OF THE AWFUL MUMBLING.)

I read that police in Rhode Island are actually going door-to-door, hunting down New Yorkers seeking refuge. Coming this holiday season, from the Farrrelly Brothers!

Yeah, cops in Rhode Island are going door-to-door seeking people who may be infected. Or as that’s also known, “sick-or-treat.”

People are still mad at the spring breakers down in Florida. Everyone agrees they’re being foolish and ignorant aaaaaaaaand Mike Love just wrote a song about how cool they are.  🎵“We’re coughin’, we’re sneezin’, playin’ in the breeze ‘n then we’re burnin’, we’re blotchy, not just in our crotchies…” 🎵

Actually, people throughout the world have been singing out their windows as a way to entertain others, and get them to join in. But when a man tried it in New York, someone yelled “Shut the f*** up!” People say that may be Governor Cuomo’s best advice yet.

Knicks owner James Dolan tested positive for COVID-19. But don’t worry – today, it demanded a trade.

And lastly, experts are saying cats can test positive for the coronavirus. On the bright side, that’s the first positive thing I’ve heard about “Cats.”

Keep Yourselves Up. Ed: thank you. Sadie was dancin’, and I got teary. Love you guys.

-Jon

(In case it doesn’t cue…go to 23:10)

Daily Dozen Live 3.28.20

Well, this site is now seven days a week. Because…why not?

There is a specific thing this will usually be. But first I want to note all the creative ways people are keeping us entertained. We have late night hosts doing shows from home. Celebrities highlighting charities that need our help. Sports leagues rerunning classic games to lift our spirits. And then, Bob Dylan decided to chip in…

Bob Dylan released a 17-minute song about…the Kennedy Assassination. Because if there’s one thing you wanna hear during a deadly pandemic, it’s gravelly musings about Lee Harvey Oswald.

Bob Dylan released a 17-minute song about JFK. Or, left a rambling voice mail for Tina Fey.

I don’t want to say the song’s bad, but Stephen King wrote about a guy going back in time to try and stop it.

I don’t wanna say it’s unpleasant, but Baby Shark said, “How is this only halfway over??”

I don’t want to say it was rough, but they’re playing it outside to keep everyone indoors.

I don’t wanna say it’s jarring, but God said, “This is why I’m good with just three Wilburys.”

I don’t want to say it’s grating, but on next week’s Reply All, a guy asks for help FORGETTING it.

Bob Dylan released a 17-minute song about President Kennedy. So stay tuned for Sir Mix-A-Lot’s two-hour freestyle about the Challenger.

Bob Dylan has a new song about Kennedy being shot. It’s called, “I Hate a Parade.”

Bob Dylan sang for 17-minutes about JFK’s death. JFK was like, “NOW I have a headache.”

But really, I think this whole ordeal is best summed up by this:

“If YOU have a headline, send it to ‘Jay Leno’s Garage,’ 3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank, California, 91523. We’ll be right back with TERRY BRADSHAAAAAAAAAAWWW!!”

Play With Your Kids or Talk To Your Parents!

Jon

Friday Feelings 3.27.20

I Have Opinions…

Been seeing some people talk about the difficulty of not touching their faces. Why? Why are you touching your face so much? What’s so special about your face? I’ll let you in on a little secret: if you’re friends with me, or you’re reading this…not that good-lookin’.

Also been hearing people say how Fox News is doing what our parents feared MTV would do to us. And I’d buy that – if it weren’t for the day my Dad watched an Eagles reunion on VH-1 while I watched the nonstop Heaven’s Gate coverage on CNN. By the way, what does Marshall Applewhite have in common with Don Felder? Both got sacked.

Things we’re short on: COVID-19 test kits; toilet paper. 

Things we’re all good on: “Singers have more masks than doctors!”; “Just use your CVS receipt as toilet paper!”

I know we all fell in love with the “Missing Hit” episode of the Reply All podcast. In fact, I might say it’s my favorite podcast episode ever (along with Episode 33: “Why Was Bruce Fired?” on “Something to Wrestle with Bruce Prichard”). And yet…Listen to this side-by-side of the recreation and the original:

I know we need nice things. But hold on. A guy remembered a song with a billion lyrics verbatimfor 21 years? Also, despite its obvious similarities – and the fact it came out a year later – the singer had never heard “One Week”? I call “really clever work.” Montreal Screwjob, Meet “Reply All Hitjob.”

Soon after 9/11, Clear Channel issued an infamous memorandum banning any song that could be deemed in any way inappropriate for airplay (which was also a good way to see every Ac/Dc song ever recorded). What hits might an uptight, in-a-hurry executive ban in 2020? A few possibilities: 

• Aerosmith: “Walk This Way” 

• Beach Boys: “Then I Kissed Her”

• Beatles: “I Want to Hold Your Hand”

• The Offspring: “Come Out And Play”

• The Black Keys: “Fever”

• U2: “Vertigo”

• Europe: “The Final Countdown”

• Traveling Wilburys: “End of the Line”

• Queen: “Another One Bites the Dust”

• John Fogerty: “Eye of the Zombie”

• Blondie: “Rapture” 

• The Wiggles: “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (And Screw)”

A recent Twitter thread set out to determine once and for all the greatest sitcom theme song of all time. In my bracket, I had “Cheers,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” “Golden Girls” and “Happy Days” in The Final Four, with Will topping Fonzie in the Finals. But as I opined on Twitter, putting “Fresh Prince” up against “The Jeffersons” so early is some hot-shot booking. You don’t have the top two square off so soon.

Speaking of The Fonz…

Do you think when Fonzie votes, he says, “Electamundo!”

Do you think when Fonzie calls, it’s “Collectamundo”?

Do you think if it’s his doctor after four hours, he says, “Erectamundo!”

With quarantines in place, many writers (this one included) stampeded towards good ole RadioShack as a “place where nobody goes.” But here’s the thing: I love RadioShack. Every time I needed something, they had it, it wasn’t too big to navigate, and you can wear a blue shirt there without being bothered. The thing is, RadioShack could’ve been saved simply by embracing that it’s RadioShack. How? Vinyl. Instead of trying to keep up with the Best Buys of the world, just become a literal RadioShack – selling vinyl copies of everything, old and new. Record players you can’t find anywhere else. License Weezer’s “Back to the Shack” and you’re back on the mall map. While you’re at it, give away free Orange Juliuses. Or toilet paper.

On the bright side, do yourselves a favor and take advantage of the WWE Network opening its content up to non-subscribers and watch WrestleMania III. The best thing that happened in the 80s (after me, of course.)

🚨 SPORTS! THIS IS THE SPORTS PART! SKIP IF YOU DON’T LIKE SPORTS! 🚨

One could argue that no pro sports league has been impacted by the pandemic like the NBA. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Despite having more championship contenders than it’s had since the 80s, the league also has an astounding number of bad teams. If the season ended today (as it actually did a few weeks back), 17 of the NBA’s 30 teams would finish with losing records. Additionally, national TV ratings were said to be down a staggering 16 percent. I attribute this bump in the hardwood to a perfect storm of LeBron playing late at night, the Warriors punting on the season, and lack of true star power in the East (yes, there are still people unfamiliar with the Greek Freak). The league isn’t broken, but it could use some repair. So here is how I – your humble Man Who Belongs In Comedy – would fix the NBA (in a non COVID-19 world):

The Schedule: Play begins on December 25, and concludes in the summer. That way, you let the NFL finish up its regular season, let the almost relevant again NHL have its moment, and take advantage of fans who’ve soured on baseball. All while allowing kids to stay up late and watch the Playoffs and Finals after school has concluded. 82 games. Sorry guys – you are professional athletes.

The Christmas Classic: We don’t just open with five random games scattered across the country. Instead, we open up with a triple-header from one of the many domed stadiums in the U.S. The schedule, made up of (projected) contenders goes as follows: East vs. East, West vs. West, then the Main Event: East vs. West (ideally, a Finals rematch or “preview”). Using tracking cameras, we create the same atmosphere as the Final Four, essentially making this the NBA’s WrestleMania. One (or two, depending on teams) National Anthems to kick off the whole thing and one MVP at the end. Mix in some other musical performances, pre-taped sketches and mini-documentaries and perhaps even unveil that year’s nominees for the Basketball Hall of Fame. One ticket gets people in, mark up the ad prices, and make this an E-V-E-N-T. This tells the world, “Basketball is BACK.”

Rest Policy: Each player is granted two games of non-injury rest per season. For every five years in the league, you get two more. Want to rest players? Okay. Play them in the first quarter, and then pull them out. It is their job to play basketball. Any hesitations? No problem; a league appointed physician will be on-call at every arena to examine the injured. You have 15 active players. Use your fouls wisely. 

Realignment & Expansion: The West is “too good”? Okay. We move Zion Williamson and the New Orleans Pelicans to the East – along with Ja Morant and the Memphis Grizzlies. It’s now or never, Timberwolves. Then, we correct two wrongs and award a franchise to Vancouver while somewhere, Martin Crane smiles at the return of the Seattle SuperSonics.

Wait. You’re adding MORE teams to a league that ALREADY mostly stinks? Hold on…

Playoff Expansion & Modification: Rather than just going with the top eight teams in each conference, teams falling within 7-10 compete in single elimination Play-Ins (7 vs. 10, 8 vs. 9). Then, the winners of those two games play to determine the 7thand 8thseeds. This adds six do-or-die Playoff games, and gives teams on the bubble motivation to keep playing rather than tank. Then in the first round, we get rid of the long, senseless seven-game series and make it best of five.

Fouls & Overtime: Tired of watching your favorite player sit on the bench during bonus basketball? Same here. So at the end of regulation, the slate is wiped clean. Everyone who hasn’t been ejected can check back in – but three fouls in OT lands you back on the bench.

And since I’m on such a roll fixing basketball, I’m going to do a little baseball fixin’ as well:

Extra Innings: Games can’t continue longer than 12 innings. It’s boring, it wears out (highly-paid) pitchers, and nobody wants to see the worst guys left closing out the game. After 12? Out comes the pitching machine, each team picks 10 hitters – each of whom get exactly one in-play swing. Whoever has the most home runs at the end wins. Baseball’s version of a shootout. #SuddenDeathDerby

🚨 THIS IS THE END OF THE SPORTS PART! THE SPORTS PART IS OVER NOW! 🚨

My daughter and I did some coloring the other day, and while her stuff was PRETTY good…MY stuff…

Answer to this week’s Can You Spot Why This is Actually Kind Of Funny? The red and white sign down at the bottom right corner… #PeaceAndLovePeaceAndLove

It’s now been nearly a week since we lost Kenny Rogers. One of the greats, one of Mom’s favorites, a nice guy, and a classic unseen “Seinfeld” character. I met him once, and what were we doing? Washing our hands.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.26.20

DJ on The River just now: “I hope everyone stays happy and healthy – and just be well.” Then… “Here’s Third Eye Blind, with ‘Jumper’!”

IRREGAHDLESS…

Today would have been Opening Day for Major League Baseball. And to keep fans engaged, the Red Sox traded two COVID-19 test kits for a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins.

That’s right, Major League Baseball postponed Opening Day. The Commissioner said, “Trust me – our players test positive for enough things as it is.”

Instead, MLB is promoting “Opening Day At Home” by offering 30 classic games for free. The way it works is, you watch just one baseball game – and by the 4th inning, the pandemic is over.

But baseball’s really changing. You can tell by that new chant: “We want a pitcher – and absolutely, positively, under NO circumstances WHATSOEVER a belly-itcher!!”

It seems like a lot of people are watching the Netflix series “Tiger King,” a true crime doc about a guy who owned a bunch of tigers. I just hope it ends with a mic’d up tiger in the bathroom saying, “What the hell did I do? Ate them all, of course. (And they were GRRRRRRRRRREAT!!)”

Another way people are passing time is TikTok; and now TikTok is accused of suppressing videos from “ugly” people to attract new users. But I think they suppressed mine since I just kept yelling, “How is this different from Vine?? You’re in your 40s! Read a book!!”

I read that even the U.S. military is practicing forms of social distancing. Which is why today, everyone was given the rank of Private.

And through this all, Staples keeps sending out e-mails about sales and discounts. Though it made sense when they advertised a shredder “perfect for presidential addresses.”

Last night, the Senate approved a stimulus bill that gives each adult $1,200 and each child $500. So enjoy your half-day at Disneyland, everyone! (Rides not included!)

Some happy news: yesterday, a boy in Montana was given a “Star Wars”-themed adoption ceremony. Or as Yoda put it, “Onions, is someone chopping??”

Cadbury announced the winner of its contest to name a new “Bunny”: a two-legged dog named “Lieutenant Dan.” Taking last place? An overexcited terrier named “Forrest Hump.”

And lastly, dozens of dead bats fell from the sky in Israel, fulfilling a Biblical prophecy. Then MLB said, “Speaking of dead bats, here’s a game between the Mets and the Orioles!”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.25.20

We’re nearly 30 days into Lent. And I have to say, I could not have picked a better year to give up licking the fruit at Market Basket.

Grocery stores in Massachusetts are still asking workers to come in, but offering two extra weeks of paid vacation. Or as that’s also known, “quarantine.”

Scientists are saying that women will have a much easier time fighting COVID-19 than men. Which means there may actually be a reason to say, “Good evening, ladies and germs.”

As the pandemic spreads, thousands of inmates are being released early. Prisons were like, “Hey – you said you wanted more help from elected officials!”

President Trump wants everything open by Easter. And instead of the annual Easter Egg Roll, he’s hosting the first ever Toilet Paper Plunder. “If you run out, just do like me and use the Constitution.”

In the meantime, Joe Biden gave an address to Americans from his basement. Which explains his opening line:  🎵“It’s Joe’s World! Joe’s World! Party time! Excellent!”🎵

Biden sat in front of books, antique photographs, and a football. And luckily, an aide turned the football around before anyone could see the word “Nerf.”

Elton John is hosting a live charity concert where artists perform from their homes. Which will be fun ‘til Taylor Swift’s singing and Kanye pops out from beneath the couch and interrupts her. 

**“TAYLOR & KANYE: STILL A TOPICAL REFERENCE SOMEHOW.”**

Speaking of music, original Beatles drummer Pete Best sent out this Tweet today – which brings us to a new game: 

Can You Spot Why This is Actually Kind Of Funny?

With New Yorkers under quarantine, the city is running out of puppies to adopt. Shelters hoped to trick people with alternatives, but couldn’t find any rats that were small enough.

If the season is canceled, NBA coaches might have to take a 20 percent pay cut. Most were understanding, while the Knicks’ coach said, “Wait – you guys get paid?”

Steve Ballmer bought The Forum in L.A. for $400 million in cash. Ballmer called it an exciting investment, while the guy behind him at the ATM called it the worst day of his life.

Police in Illinois were called after reports that an adult video store was offering curbside service during a lockdown. All customers will have to pay a fine, and take a mandatory course on using the internet.

And lastly, the website PornHub is giving New York City coronavirus workers 50,000 protective masks and free porn. They said “We want to lend a helping hand while your other hand is busy.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 3.24.20

So, are Republicans also willing to sacrifice the old at heart, errrrrr…

I hope everybody is doing okay. I’ve been binge-watching that show about the doctor who gets framed, then goes on the run. You know, Anthony Fauci?

President Trump said people should be able to go back out in public next week despite Dr. Fauci’s warnings to isolate. Man, for a guy who loves Shark Week so much, you’d think Trump would’ve seen “Jaws” by now.

Dr. Fauci is the immunologist who’s been appearing with Trump at his press briefings, but last night, he did not appear. It got worse today when Trump’s “Task Force” was Scott Baio, a scarecrow, one of those inflatable wavy guys and Eric Trump (on Skype, sound off).

Last night’s press briefing was insane. Here’s clip that truly sums it up. CHECK IT OUT.

So if you experience a fever, just apply that cold shoulder.

Trump is like, “I guess the virus makes you deaf! Sad!”

It seems like every day, Trump alienates another medical expert. But he has a plan to fix it: today, he installed a button on his desk that brings him a Dr. Pepper.

In a new poll, 60% actually approved of Trump’s handling of the pandemic. Or put another way, 40% of those still dumb enough to go out and talk to a pollster DON’T. “Sorry my mouth’s red from doing jello shots off a stranger at the beach, but yeah, Trump’s nuts!”

The big news today is that the Summer Olympics were officially postponed to next year. I guess they decided it might not be safe to have thousands of people drenched in Purell surround a giant flame.

Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a list of essential businesses that can remain open during the pandemic. And this is odd – the first one? Bunghole Liquors.

Bunghole Liquors: An Actual Establishment in Massachusetts.

A strip club in Oregon that was forced to close is now sending strippers to people’s homes. On the next episode of “Dateline.”

Everyone’s keeping a safe distance from the elderly. But it’s actually easier than I thought, because my Dad’s with Kim and I’m with Taylor. (We have had some TENSE phone calls…)

To preserve bandwidth, YouTube will reduce video quality. Which should explain things when Governor Cuomo says, “If you’re concerned: yes, the Grape Stomp Lady still falls.”

The virus has had a big effect on the economy, and Goldman Sachs says it’s a good time to buy gold. As in, “I can’t believe I just wiped my butt with gold.”

And in the middle of all this, Woody Allen is releasing a memoir that details his romantic relationships. People were like, “Dude, WAY too Soon-Yi.”

And lastly, the LA Rams introduced their new logo, and it seems kind of familiar:

In related news: the Rams declared bankruptcy because of the Redskins, then tried to deport the Browns.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

VERSION 2.0 (oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh)!…