The Daily Dozen 11.2.20

It’s been an interesting year…

Election Day at 2. I’m doing a Reddit #AMA about this and mental health, working for WWE, Tonight Show stuff (how I got the job, how the job ended, Hairgate), and probably veering off into a rant about Mike Love or too many guards on the Celtics.

Let’s have some fun before we have some fun. 🤞

President Trump got the endorsement of Bruins great Bobby Orr. But to be fair, Trump thinks “Bobby Orr” is the guy who invented the canoe. “Bobby Orr, meet Tim Apple. I’m Donald Crimefamily.”

At a rally tonight, Donald Trump criticized NBA players for “disrespecting” the flag. Then moments later, Trump denied meeting the flag.

The crowd at the rally chanted “LeBron James Sucks! LeBron James Sucks!” They also had a good chant going two hours after the rally: “Where’s our bus?? Where’s our bus??”

This weekend, Trump supporters in Georgia were stranded in the cold waiting for buses. Then when the buses did pick them up, they dropped them off at a field in Nebraska. 

Many are saying Pennsylvania could be the state that decides the election. Which makes me nervous, since that’s where Trump’s other job is.  

Eminem signed let Joe Biden and Kamala Harris use his song “Lose Yourself” in an ad. When he heard he’d been endorsed by Eminem, Biden said, “Oh man – the blue one??”

There’s a feeling the election could be decided by 10 p.m. tomorrow. Then Mike Pence said, “Better make that a double Diet Sprite, Mother.”

Yep, James Carville thinks Joe Biden will win by 10 p.m. Said Carville,

“Roger Rabbit may have outsmarted me, but not Donald Trump!”

 Carville has to know who won by 10, because he has a crypt to keep at 11.

Fact-checkers debunked a photo that supposedly showed Joe Biden on a plane without a face covering. They said, “That photo’s not from this year, it’s actually from the 30s, and also that’s Amelia Earhart.”

The election has 77% of Americans fearing violence. But right now, 99% of us fear hugs.

As a way to say goodbye, Cubs pitcher Jon Lester has purchased nearly 30,000 worth of beers for Chicago residents. Which will explain things when Obama wakes up next Tuesday and says, “…Shit!”

Lester estimates he’s purchased nearly 4,000 beers. All for one guy…

And lastly, A Russian oligarch known as “The Sausage King” was killed in a sauna. I’m not sure what caused it, but it might’ve been saying, “Here comes the Sausage King!” while entering a sauna.

From sausage to A.S.S. Just over a week to go everybody! And our second official episode is out and posted below! Please help us out by giving what you can – but if I were you, I’d go for one of the live games that also gets you the physical party game so you’ve got a fun way to hang with friends this winter, and the real deal when you get back together at the end of all this.

Keep Yourselves Up, Get some A.S.S., See You On Reddit! #AMA

Jon

The Daily Dozen 11.1.20

So how was your weekend?

Well everyone, two days left! At best!

The Election is two days away and I read that a lot of couples are at odds over it. In fact one wife is so anti-Trump, she’s spent four years batting his hand away and sending lookalikes to appear with him.

Yep, it’s almost Election Night. And what better way to prepare us for a Dark Winter than a night of guys pointing at maps and guessing? “Looks like Biden!! But maybe snow??”

An advisor from the White House COVID-19 Task Force, Dr. Scott Atlas – you remember Scott Atlas; he’s the guy Trump thinks hosted “Where in the World Carmen Sandiego?”

Well, Dr. Scott Atlas is apologizing for appearing on “Russia Today” saying he was unaware it was a foreign agent. Man, if only there were some clue…other than everything about it. “Let’s see…they’re letting me lie. The hosts have Russian accents. Oh, it’s also called, uh…‘Russia Today.’”

It got worse when Ivanka Trump debuted her new fragrance on “Live! With Kelly & Mikhail.”

Yet another Trump rally ended with people being left in freezing weather for two hours, waiting for buses. Man – what is it with Trump and made-up caravans?

And in Texas, a group of Trump supporters surrounded a Biden campaign bus on the highway – this is actually pretty scary:

But they felt pretty foolish when they opened up the doors and saw the driver:

Many say the election could drag on, and one columnist said three words that should haunt Biden are “Dewey Defeats Truman.” In addition to the other three that haunt Biden: “Alf Is Canceled.”

But a clip went viral of President Obama over the weekend and I guess Trump’s not the only orange leather he can down…

Then Trump knocked a kid over to catch a jersey from the t-shirt cannon and said, “That’s what I do!!”

The Knicks saw Obama make that and said, “Ehh – he’s too young.”

When asked if he took more than one shot, Obama said, “No – but bin Laden did!”

Because of COVID-19 restrictions, the NBA’s Toronto Raptors may have to play all their home games in Newark, New Jersey. Marking the first guys in Newark with a legitimate reason to wear tracksuits. 

I read about a doctor who was duped into buying a “wish granting” magic lamp for a quarter of a million dollars. Said the doctor, “They told me it was a free gift for appearing on ‘Russia Today’!”

Now that Halloween is over, people are rushing to Christmas and ignoring Thanksgiving. Which explains that new slogan – “Thanksgiving: The Eric Trump of Holidays.”

It was different watching “The Shining” in 2020. Instead of feeling sorry for Danny, I said, “Aw man – he gets to ride his bike??”

Also, there’s less than 10 days left to get in on the ground floor of Anti-Social Skills. Man, we are SO close to our goal and you will love the hell out of this game. Look for some added offers in the days to come, sign up to play with us over the holidays, and then when parties can again take part: there’s your freshly baked box of Anti-Social Skills.

Chicago show in a few minutes!

Keep Yourselves Up (and VOTE!)

Jon

Daily Dozen 10.29.20

Just over a dozen days left to support Anti-Social Skills. It’s always hard to say who’s gonna win the game, but I think we found the loser!

I was also supposed to be on Tucker Carlson to promote it, but I “lost” the invite.

Tucker Carlson said a “cache” of documents that would damage Joe Biden went missing. Man – between Carlson and Giuliani, it’s been a rough couple of weeks for Tuckers.

But today, Carlson announced he had tracked down the “damaging” Biden documents: a bunch of Mad Libs that only use the word “fart.”

Casinos have made record amounts off people betting on the election, and many have Trump as the longshot. Trump couldn’t believe it – he said, “Casinos can make money??” 

81 million people already voted, and some people are actually hiring “line-sitters.” Which is also what Donald Trump Jr. calls the guys who guard his medicine cabinet.

People are upset after Lil Wayne met with the president. It got off to a rough start when Lil Wayne arrived and Trump said, “Where’s Lil Garth?”

Lil Wayne praised the president’s work on criminal reform. You know Trump’s criminal reform plan – “Don’t Beat ‘Em In Case You Have to Join ‘Em.”

Actually, Trump’s initiative is known as his “Platinum Plan.” And how can you not believe in something that sounds like a tier in the Columbia House record club. #Topical 

It came out that the White House plans to end protections for gray wolves. Then someone said, “You misheard, Mr. Vice-President – I said GRAY wolves.”

Today, NBC’s Chuck Todd asked if Joe Biden is taking the coronavirus too seriously. Which is probably why things were so testy during NBC’s town hall with the coronavirus.

Ac/Dc revealed they once tried to capture the Loch Ness Monster using a box of fireworks. When asked why it didn’t work, they said, “Well for starters: turns out we were at a Hardee’s in Milwaukee…”

For her birthday, Kanye gave Kim Kardashian a hologram of her father. Yep, an infamous lawyer who looks almost lifelike – or as Trump put it, “Rudy??”

And lastly, six people were indicted for stealing more than six million dollars in designer goods at NYC’s JFK Airport. If convicted, they could face 30 years to life at LaGuardia.

But I’ll tell YOU what’s a steal! Anti-Social Skills! The board game written by comics that’s done great on Kickstarter despite a crazy glitch on its first day and now we’re scrambling like hell to make up for it! Only a dozen days remain for you to back us, buy the game, or purchase a live round to play over Zoom with friends, family or drifters. 

And sincerely, my deepest thanks to Max Sullivan, Patrick Cronin and everyone at Seacoast Newspapers for taking a walk with me in the rain at the beach. And thank you all for your kind messages. But don’t message me – Keep Yourselves Up and GO KILL SOME A.S.S.!

The Daily Dozen 10.28.20

JUST TWO WEEKS LEFT TO ORDER (OR BACK) ANTI-SOCIAL SKILLS!!!

In the meantime…

Tough day for Trump. How do you throw staffers under a bus that never comes?

At a rally in Nebraska, hundreds of Trump supporters were stranded in freezing temperatures, and some were hospitalized with hypothermia. But Trump says they’ll be fine if they inject themselves with lava.

Apparently, there weren’t enough buses to transport everyone back to a parking area. It was a terrible for night for everyone – even worse for the couple that found Steve Bannon sleeping in their car.

Trump left them in a frozen field in Nebraska. Eric Trump said, “Did he blindfold them, too?”

Today, Trump mocked pandemic restrictions, and said if you vote for Joe Biden, there won’t be any weddings or Christmas. “Can I vote for him TWICE??” said Melania Trump.

It turns out the anonymous author of a scathing op-ed about President Trump was advisor Miles Taylor. Said Trump, “Never heard of either of them!”

To show you how obscure he is – “Miles Taylor” is the made-up pseudonym other Trump advisors use when they write their scathing op-eds. “You mean he’s a real guy??”

Yep, Miles Taylor wrote the New York Times op-ed. They’d give him a code name like “Deep Throat,” but that would be tricky since this Watergate involves actual porn stars. 

Beto O’Rourke did an interview offering Biden advice on how to win in Texas. I didn’t see it, because I was reading Michael Jordan’s advice to the Dodgers on how to play baseball.

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Dodgers, who won the World Series last night. The Dodgers urged fans to celebrate responsibly…

And fans said, “You first.”

Dodgers star Justin Turner was pulled from the game last night when he tested positive for COVID-19. Ironically, that’s just the 19th-worst thing a baseball player can test positive for.

Turner returned to the field without a mask to celebrate with his teammates – exposing them to his germs. Turner was like, “S’all good – my beard mites got ‘em.”

A controversial decision by Rays manager Kevin Cash was a deciding factor. If he gets fired, he should go to the Red Sox - since they’re all about saving Cash.

There wasn’t a ton of offense in the game, so the bases weren’t loaded…but I think Commissioner Rob Manfred might’ve been!

Looks like somebody missed the cutoff man!

Even Ty Cobb was like “Damn, that’s a lot of slurs!”

Is the National League gonna add a Designated Driver?

It’s the first time the commissioner’s been sent to Double-A.

Did somebody slip him a Mookie?

But don’t worry - they finally got him an Uber…

And lastly, Costco is pulling all products made with “forced monkey labor.” Which was also the name of my improve troupe in college.

Yep, Costco is pulling items made using “forced monkey labor.” Or as husbands call that, “Going to Costco.”

Know what DOESN’T require a trip to Costco? Ordering an actual, physical copy of Anti-Social Skills. We only have a couple weeks left and are OH SO CLOSE to our goal, have some really fun stuff planned through the winter to keep you company, and right when we’re allowed to resume partying, you can own the funniest party game of 2020; it is, after all, The Year of the A.S.S.

And stay tuned for a special announcement about another LIVE Anti-Social Skills THIS SUNDAY!…and a few other things coming up soon…😎

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.27.20

A little Trivia: in “Alcohol” they’re actually chanting “VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!”

Today, the Boston Herald endorsed President Trump. People in Boston couldn’t believe it – they said, “The Herald’s still around?”

Trump pulled all advertising in Florida due to low campaign funds. People in Florida knew Trump was broke when he snuck a picture of his Splash Mountain reaction screen instead of buying an actual photo.

Lesley Stahl is facing death threats from Trump supporters over their “60 Minutes” interview. I miss the old days when there was only one death threat facing “60 Minutes” anchors: time.

NOTE: Andy Rooney is 35 in this picture.

During a speech in Georgia, Joe Biden quoted Franklin D. Roosevelt. But don’t worry – after he wins, he’ll go back to misquoting “Police Academy.” “So then the sound effects guy – he starts to pretend he’s a helicopter! Or was it a jet ski? Either way folks, see all seven and read my fan fic!”

The NBA is set to return in December, giving the U.S. something it desperately needs: likable courts. 

Amy Comey Barrett was officially sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice. It was Mitch McConnell’s proudest moment since he lapped up that fly from Mike Pence’s head.

Many are concerned the Conservative power in the Supreme Court could overturn Roe v. Wade. Incidentally, “row v. wade” is Trump’s emergency relief plan if Puerto Rico has another hurricane.

Reese Witherspoon recently said she’d consider running for office at some point. Not to be outdone, Mike Pence announced plans to star in a movie called “Legally Bland.”

Some scenes from the new “Borat” film that show Borat’s daughter inside the White House were ultimately cut from the film. That’s when you know the White House is over the edge – when even Sacha Baron Cohen’s like, “I just don’t feel right showing this.”

Because of COVID-19, all Halloween events in Salem, Massachusetts were canceled this year. But don’t worry – once there’s a vaccine, you can take your kids where a bunch of old ladies were set on fire for being shy.

Some areas could face Thanksgiving travel bans. Which explains that new song: 🎵Over the river, and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go; back through the woods, back over the river – do we have any Pizza Pockets in the fridge?🎵

It was just a matter of time before Kim Kardashian weighed in with her pandemic plight:

So there you have it: a Skull Island movie where people are rooting for the dinosaurs.

Kim said she surprised her inner circle by flying them in. While Rob surprised her by also showing up.

We’re mad at Kim today, but in a week, we might be saying, “Any room left on that island?”

But if YOU’RE stuck on a desert island, there’s two ways to pass the time: by Toobin your Jeffrey, or by playing Anti-Social Skills. Special thanks to our friends “The Spooky Doines” for playing our first live game! Happy Halloween, play the game yourself, and stay tuned for another live show announcement! 

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.26.20

Just five days away from 2020’s hottest Halloween party game: Looking At Apples.

It’s a tough choice this year: give out candy to the kid dressed as a mummy, or mug him for the toilet paper?

And the 2020 Election will take place in just eight days. While my spiked shoulder pads and flamethrower will arrive in just seven days. (And that’s just for THANKSGIVING! #ButFolks)

Things are so tense in Seattle, the military is already stationed in case of unrest. Everybody’s fighting – when he wasn’t looking, Frasier poured 2% milk into Niles’ double decaf, non-fat latte, medium foam, dusted with just the faintest whisper of cinnamon.

President Trump mocked Joe Biden for seemingly calling him “George” instead of “Donald.” There’s an easy way to tell the difference: George hangs out with The Man in the Big Yellow Hat; Donald hangs out with The Guys in the Big White Hoods.

Biden was apparently referring to the fundraiser’s host, George Lopez. Said Trump, “Is he Cheech or Chong?”

Yeah, Trump mocked Biden for getting a name wrong. Then he went back to reading his grandkids a Halloween story about ‘Ichabod Pumpkin.’ “His horse didn’t have a head. Very sad. We only like horses with heads, don’t we, folks?”

In Florida, a man with a bulldozer destroyed a bunch of Biden campaign signs. Which is why Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Bob the Builder.

Hillary Clinton turned 73 years old today – just a week ahead of the election. And you could tell she was really making a wish when she blew out her candles…

A COVID-19 outbreak has apparently hit Fox News. Which explains their new show: “Fox & Friend.” (That’s for all the dads who watch Fox News.)

Tomorrow, the LA Dodgers will go for their first World Series victory since 1988. So between baseball and Trump’s “60 Minutes” interview, it’s been a big week for dodgers!

And lastly, Bette Midler confirmed the original cast of “Hocus Pocus” will reunite for a sequel. When asked if there was room for a fourth witch who hates holidays, they said, “We’ll let you know, Melania.”

Hey, speaking of reunions and Halloween… 🎃

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT! AT 10 PM EASTERN TIME, THE FIRST EVER LIVE ANTI-SOCIAL SKILLS ON YOUTUBE! GO HERE TO WATCH IT (and comment AND suggest challenges) and once it’s over, go here to BUY THE GAME!! Can’t wait to not see you but for you to see me!!

Keep Yourselves Up and Go Kill Some ASS!

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.25.20

Man – they are not even TRYING with these Fake Melanias anymore.

President Trump and Joe Biden were interviewed on “60 Minutes.” The first question: “How’s it feel to be the youngest people interviewed on ‘60 Minutes’?”

Yep, “60 Minutes” aired the interview President Trump walked out on. You know things aren’t going great when even Trump is like, “I can’t take anymore Trump.”

Minutes after Trump left, his press secretary returned with this book for Lesley Stahl, which supposedly contained the president’s “healthcare plan”:

So…his healthcare plan is going to the Cheesecake Factory?

That looks like Stuart Little investigating Jeffrey Epstein.

Trump bombed on “60 Minutes.” But on the bright side, Giuliani killed it on “69 Minutes.”

A new poll has Joe Biden defeating Trump in Texas. I guess Texas looked at Trump and figured one Leatherface was enough.

Yep, Trump could lose Texas. Some called it the most surprising outcome for a sitting president in Texas, while others are John F. Kennedy.

After “Borat 2” came out, Trump and Sacha Baron Cohen continued their war of words with Cohen saying Trump’s not funny, but the world laughs at him. To which Trump said, “MY WIVES!!!”

Donald Trump Jr. posed next to a 2024 sign, suggesting he’s planning a presidential bid. Meanwhile, children posed next to Eric because they thought he was a Halloween dummy. “Wrong! I’m an ALWAYS dummy!”

The Tampa Bay Rays tied up the World Series on Saturday on this insane walk-off:

It cuts off before the baserunner stepped on a rake and fell into a table of wedding cakes.

It got even worse when the ump looked up from his phone and said, “Oh crap – were we back from commercial?”

Man - Florida hasn’t seen anything that chaotic since *literally* every election.

A pilot in North Carolina photographed a mysterious orange circle in the daytime sky. But everyone forgot about it, when he photographed a mysterious whitish circle in the nighttime sky. “They must be enemies, because the orange one took off right when the white one showed up!”

Meanwhile, Delta airlines banned 460 passengers for failing to wear a face covering. And Southwest banned 500 passengers for wearing shirts.

And lastly, Happy Birthday to Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies, who turned 50 years old. You can tell he’s getting up there because if he had a million dollars, he’d give it all to a Nigerian prince.

And it’ll still be one day til WE say, “Welcome to Anti-Social Skills LIVE!” 

TOMORROW NIGHT (MONDAY 10/26) we will be having our first ever LIVE A.S.Skills game on YouTube – and I will be hosting some great friends we met from the improve world back when we were testing the game. And in the spirit of the season (and all of 2020, tbh), it’s Halloween-themed. So, turn down the lights, tune in, and see if anyone pulls a Toobin.

Then when you love it – BUY THE GAME!!! Or donate a couple bucks as a way to say, “I like you – I just don’t believe in you.” I’ll still say thank you when we see each other on Mom’s birthday.

Keep Yourselves Up – and TUBE YOURSELVES IN!

Jon

Daily Dozen 10.22.20

You know it’s a rough night when the best matchup on TV is the Giants vs. the Eagles.

Tonight, ABC aired the debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. While NBC countered with O.J. Simpson vs. Hologram Manson. (But Savannah did great.)

Of course, this was the first debate since President Trump tested positive for COVID-19. Some were curious about how Trump would look on camera, but I thought he looked totally normal…

This time around, candidates’ mics were muted when it wasn’t their turn to speak. But it doesn’t matter because right after, Trump’s microphone wrote a tell-all.

Luckily, no insects landed on anyone’s head this time. Which means the only big fly scandal this week involved Giuliani.

But people online went crazy when Biden used the word “Malarkey.” While Trump said, “How dare you mention my wife??” (Malarkey – tell Bourbon it’s after his bedtime.)

After Trump boasted about his meeting with Kim Jong Un, Joe Biden said we had a great relationship with Hitler until he invaded Europe. Marking the first time Hitler said, “Please leave me out of this.”

Biden said thanks to Trump, we’re headed for a “dark winter” where everyone will stay inside. Or as that’s also known: “winter.” “And then in December, we’ll have trees inside our houses!”

Incidentally, “Dark Winter” was also the setting on Trump’s tanning bed.

During a heated exchange about immigration, Trump claimed that kids were being brought over the border by coyotes – which is a slang term for smuggler. But Trump said they’re being cared for by his detainee counselors – which is a slang term for coyotes.

Trump said he wishes he could ride out the pandemic in the White House basement. Then Eric said, “Welp – better pack up my stuff before the coyotes get here…”

Trump also accused Biden of spending all his time in his basement. Of course Biden left when he and Obama couldn’t agree who was Wayne and who was Garth. “Uhhh…look. We need to uhh…party on.”

One of the strangest exchanges came when Trump bragged about always being a champion for Black people. At which point, even my dog kept saying, “Uhhh – Central Park Five???”

Trump also said he was the least racist person in the room. And with the exception of Biden and Kristen Welker, he had a point:

That looks like two dads who didn’t get the memo the party was dress-up for kids only.

That looks like two guys who were laid off by the Village People.

That looks like if Uncle Sam and Abe Lincoln moved to a loft in Brooklyn.

But to keep things fair, Biden was allowed to invite some guests too:

“Folks, I wanna tell you a story about my good friend Porkchop…”

And folks, I wanna tell you about something big coming up Sunday night. It is our first EVER *LIVE* Anti-SocialSkills broadcast!!! This Monday at 10 PM EST, we will be partnering with some of our favorites from the world of improv to play a special Halloween-themed game. GO HERE TO WATCH!

And if it looks fun? PLAY THE GAME YOURSELF and CONSIDER HELPING US OUT. This has been a nice small, side project that has turned into a blast and we goin’ for it!

Again: MONDAY AT 10 P.M. LIVE!

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.21.20

Well on the bright side: Rudy Giuliani is finally gonna wear a mask in public.

That looks like if The Penguin made a Beastie Boys video.

Rudy Giuliani was caught on camera seducing a woman in the upcoming “Borat” sequel. I wondered how Rudy could look himself in the mirror; then I remembered he can’t actually see his reflection.

Yep, Rudy Giuliani came onto an actress who was just playing Borat’s daughter. Fans were like, “Wait, she’s not Borat’s daughter??” While Giuliani said, “Wait, she’s not my cousin??”

Giuliani claims he wasn’t doing anything inappropriate, and was just “tucking in his shirt.” Man, who’d have thought Carlson would be just our second most dishonest Tucker. 😎

Yep, Giuliani says it meant nothing, and the woman is nothing but a tuck buddy. #ButFolks

Yeah, Giuliani said he was just “tucking in his shirt.” Then Jeffrey Toobin said,  “🤦 Tucking in my shirt! Of course!”

It turns out President Trump has been hiding money in China, Ireland and Britain. Even weirder – it was just inside “It’s a Small World.” “Stop the boat! Need to make a withdrawal for an autograph book!”

Yep, Trump’s tax returns show years of substantial losses. When asked if he’d declare any major losses this year, he said, “Just the election.”

A new poll says Joe Biden is up by 12 points among Catholics. And I feel good about that – because when’s the last time a notable Catholic was betrayed by 12?

Actually today, Pope Francis said The Church should be accepting of same-sex unions. Some Catholics are so mad, they’re not sure if they’ll keep worshiping an unmarried guy in his 30s who liked to make dinner for his dozen male friends.

Quibi officially went out of business today. I was so depressed, I could barely finish my Dippin’ Dots.

People in Church Hill, Tennessee say a small, pet monkey has been violently attacking them. Police didn’t take it too seriously – until they went inside and discovered The Skeleton in the Big Yellow Hat.

Due to the pandemic, the Super Bowl could be delayed as late as four weeks. While the Budweiser ad where a horse Zooms with a puppy will make me cry for five weeks.

But if you want to laugh til you cry on Zoom #Segue might I recommend Anti-Social Skills – now playable for free. This is an actual game I created with a couple Emerson pals, co-written by Myq Kaplan, Jenny Zigrino, Abbi Crutchfield, John Roy, Jason Marcus and the man they call Just Some Guy. And in the summer, we all got together to play. Roll that beautiful ASSkills footage…

If you had a good time, would like to buy a physical copy of the game, or support our small business, please head here and see all we’ve got to offer.

Keep Yourselves Up, and Go Kill Some Ass,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.20.20

Some good news here: a new study says an arthritis drug could be used to treat COVID-19. So, say hello to the new Walter White…

#Rinemanberg

Meanwhile, another study says mouthwash and baby shampoo deactivates the virus in seconds. In response, Trump told people to immediately gargle with baby shampoo.

Today, President Trump walked out of an interview with Lesley Stahl from “60 Minutes.” When asked why, he said, “Because I’ve been holding in this burrito for 59 minutes…”

After quitting the interview, Trump tweeted out a video shaming Stahl for going maskless in the White House. Then he signed it, “XOXO, Gossip President.”

Pat Robertson says God told him Trump will win, and trigger beginning of the “End Times.” You know the “End Times” – it’s in the only Book of Revelations written by someone who didn’t work for Trump.

Yep, God told Pat Robertson Trump winning would trigger the “End Times.” When asked if that’s true, “God” said, “Please, call me Sacha.”

Meanwhile, a new poll has 75% of Jewish Americans voting for Joe Biden. Which is why today, Trump invited them to attend Eric’s bris. “Hello, SuperCuts?...”

In the next debate, Biden’s mic will be muted at the end of each answer by the Debate Commission. While Trump’s mic will be muted at the start of each answer by the Trump Campaign. 

People continue to speculate about whether Trump will agree to a peaceful transition of power if he loses. If Trump has to be chased out of the White House, it will go down as one of our nation’s darkest days. Unless they play the Benny Hill theme – then it’s fun.

Apple+ has acquired the exclusive rights to all the “Peanuts” holiday specials. But don’t worry – you can still see Charlie Brown for free when he kicks for the Jets.

After the TikTok of a man skateboarding to work while drinking Ocean Spray to “Dreams,” Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” is back on Billboard’s Top Ten. I guess that’s why Ted Nugent just left the house with moonshine and a pogo stick. “Should I do ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ or…wait, what else do I sing?”

Scientists just discovered a new organ in the middle of the human head. When asked what it does, they said, “Plays ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame.’”

There was a lot of controversy online when TMZ published an updated mugshot of a disheveled Bill Cosby. But don’t worry – they’ll get him all cleaned up in time for his NBC Town Hall.

And lastly, an aircraft is about to land on an asteroid 200 million miles away. Then the captain will say, “Thank you for flying Southwest – if you’re continuing on to Cleveland…”

Hey, forget ASTEROIDS. The talk these days is ASSkills…or, Anti-Social Skills, a game I created with a couple Emerson pals, co-written by Myq Kaplan, Jenny Zigrino, Abbi Crutchfield, John Roy, Jason Marcus and the man they call Just Some Guy. The first job I ever had in TV was writing promos for WHDH Channel 7 in Boston, so we were thrilled when the game was featured not once, but twice last week!

It’s a lot of fun, it’s playable for free over Zoom, and when you have fun, consider helping our small business by purchasing a physical copy – which will ship just in time for physical interaction.

Keep Yourselves Up, and Go Kill Some Ass,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.19.20

I hope everyone is having a nice October. I spent the last night watching “Halloween” – that other movie where a doctor tries to warn everyone about a dangerous lunatic:

During a call with campaign staffers, President Trump called Dr. Fauci a “disaster.” Which explains why Trump spent today tossing paper towels at Dr. Fauci.

Twitter removed a tweet from Trump coronavirus advisor Scott Atlas that undermined the importance of wearing face coverings. Incidentally, “Scott Atlas” is also what Trump calls the host of “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.” “I met him through that other game show host, Pat Letters.”

So far, COVID-19 is responsible for 220 thousand deaths in the U.S. and over a million worldwide. And health experts warn that if we don’t act quickly, it could get its own Town Hall on NBC.

And after being hospitalized with the virus, Chris Christie said he was “so wrong” about downplaying the need to wear masks. Hey, leave it to Chris Christie to waffle. 😎

Followers of Q-Anon promoted a theory that John F. Kennedy Jr. – who famously died in 1999 – will replace Mike Pence as Trump’s running mate. When asked if a lifeless zombie could save his campaign, Trump said, “No! That’s why I’m replacing him with JFK Jr!”

Despite the rumors, JFK Jr. did not reemerge on Saturday to become Trump’s running mate. Which explains his new slogan:

Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani says there’s a “50/50” chance he worked with a Russian spy. Even worse – there’s also a 50/50 chance that Russian spy gets reelected president.

The Beach Boys’ Mike Love announced that his touring version of the group will headline a fundraiser for Trump. But to be fair, that version of “The Beach Boys” is just Love and six holograms doing this…

And Georgia lawmaker and Trump supporter Vernon Jones actually crowd-surfed at a rally over the weekend. Man – big couple of days for idiots who like to surf.

Over the weekend, the Red Sox’s Fenway Park served as an official voting site in Boston. So congratulations in advance to President You Suck For Trading Mookie.

But fans seemed excited to vote – ESPECIALLY THIS WOMAN.

Fitting she got her Dunkies, since our choices are Joe Biden and a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers advanced to the World Series, meaning it will be Los Angeles vs. Tampa Bay. Tough call whom to root for – the city that’s endured earthquakes, fires and stay-at-homes; or…the spring breakers who gave everyone COVID and Hulk Hogan.   

Sacha Baron Cohen says the new “Borat” sequel is more serious than original. But if you want something lighter, check out his new character: Jim Carrey doing Joe Biden.

And lastly, after the New Yorker suspended reporter Jeffrey Toobin for accidentally exposing himself on a video call, “Zoom Dick” was trending on Twitter. “Zoom Dick” sounds like an off-brand Viagra you buy at Spencer’s Gifts.

“The Larry King Podcast! Presented by…Zoom Dick!”

Hey, at least it wasn’t a Skype Scrote.

But you know how he could spend his suspension because of that Zoom Dick?? Playing ASSKILLS.

Like many in 2020…Plans Changed, Pal. But luckily, it gave me the time to work with my one time (and possibly future) Best Man Sam Liberty on Anti-Social Skills, an adult card game FOR humanity. Best of all, the game was written completely by some of the land’s best comics, including Myq Kaplan, Jenny Zigrino, Jason Marcus, Abbi Crutchfield, John Roy and…Just Some Guy. We just launched last week and are on our way to meeting our goal as a small business on Kickstarter – which would mean next year, you could have, in your home, a game to play during your first post-COVID party RIGHT when you realize you have nothing to say to each other.

Best of all, the game is also playable over Zoom – so get some friends together, head on over to the FREE version of the game on our site, and when you have fun, buy yourself the real deal.

 Keep Yourselves Up, and Go Kill Some Ass,

Jon

PLAY THE GAME!

The site is up and running! Play Anti-Social Skills with your friends NOWWWWWWWWWW!

GO PLAY HERE!

We're Talkin' 🏀

It’s been a while. So if you’ve lost track of what happened, or are just bored in the Bubble because you were quarantined for going to a strip club, here’s a primer to catch you up. Because…

NOTE: In the 80s & 90s, you were allowed to bring all those weapons onto the court.

After being off for over four months, the NBA will finally resume play tomorrow. And Gregg Popovich will still sit five starters for rest.

The NBA is playing with no fans at Disney World. The season will start tomorrow, then the mics will pick up 10 seconds of trash talk, and then Disney will cancel the season.

Yep, games will take place in empty arenas. Which will get weird when all the players stop just to listen to Bill Walton commentate. “Hey Dave - have YOU ever seen Zeus surf the Euphrates on a redwood??”

The season stopped when Jazz center Rudy Gobert tested positive for COVID-19 – right after jokingly touching a bunch of reporters’ equipment. You know it’s bad when Giuliani isn’t our dumbest Rudy.

Actually, many players tested positive for COVID-19. Which should explain things when the ref tosses up the opening tip…followed by the ball bouncing in place for 48 minutes.

Laker Avery Bradley opted out, saying he didn’t want to jeopardize his family’s health. It’s surprising a Laker bails, since the virus is the only thing they’d ever catch from LeBron.

He’s not the only one from L.A. To be safe, Jack Nicholson is just sending Christian Slater.

Players had a call to discuss it. Kyrie Irving said he didn’t think they should play; Chris Paul said they should; then Vladimir Putin said, “Is not important, I already choose winner…”

But a few of players opted out. Even Air Bud said, “I just couldn’t do that to my hydrant.”

Some media members also refused to cover games in the Bubble. While one just said…

Already, some players have been quarantined for breaking the rules - most notably Clippers guard Lou Williams, who went to a strip club. I guess they knew something was up when he sneezed and glitter came out.

After going to a strip club, Williams is now stuck in his room browsing the internet - a.k.a. the world’s biggest strip club.

I read that better teams have nicer accommodations. For instance, the Lakers and Celtics will stay at the Grand Floridian, while the Knicks and Cavs will stay at Guantanamo Bay.

Players will have movie screenings, DJs, pool and ping pong. And Hubie Brown in a fanny pack yelling, “I take you kids to Disney, and you want to stay at the hotel??”

Actually, LeBron hopes to play at EPCOT, since they make it so easy to travel.

And Charles Barkley’s excited to go to EPCOT, since it has a golf ball he might actually hit:

“First of all, Figment…this place being open AT ALL is turrible.”

Yep, the NBA at Disney World. But it’ll get weird when they sing “It’s a Small World” and Kyrie says, “And flat!”

There will be some changes since games are at Disney. Like instead of saying a guy’s “ice cold,” they’ll say he’s “gone Walt.”

Ahead of its return, the NBA released a 113-page booklet outlining all the rules. They urged players to read it immediately, while the refs can do it with 20 seconds left in a tie game. “The dribbler took five steps, so…nine free throws for Spike Lee?”

Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck donated one million dollars towards a COVID-19 vaccine development. While in LA, the Buss Brothers went to Panera just to sneeze in the soup.

With the season suspended, Kevin Love donated $100,000 to the arena staff in Cleveland. Most called Love “generous,” while his Uncle Mike called him, ”adopted.”

The NCAA granted a waiver allowing athletes an extra year of eligibility. And players said they were extremely grateful for the laugh. “EXTRA not getting paid?? SWEET!”

An agent says Pelicans star Zion Williamson received money to attend Duke. Even crazier: “Zion Williamson” is just Lori Loughlin’s daughters standing on each other’s shoulders.

Williamson allegedly received gifts and other services, which could lead to an investigation of Coach Mike Krzyzewski. But if you yell “Krzyzewski!” right now, people make you isolate for 14 days.

Clippers owner Steve Ballmer bought the LA Forum for $400 million in cash. He called it a big investment, while the guy behind him at the ATM called it the worst day of his life.

The Clippers played an unexpected role in all of this. Turns out V. Stiviano was just keeping herself safe:

Vince Carter became the first NBA player to play in four different decades. You can tell he’s old since he requested a Cardigan Cannon.

Meanwhile, Giannis Antetokounmpo had his Twitter account hacked. As a result, he’s chosen a more secure password: “Giannis Antetokounmpo.”

Celtics rookie Tacko Fall was one of the top vote getters for the All-Star Game, despite barely playing. Many just voted for him as a joke – so let me be the first to congratulate President Tacko!

Actually, President Trump announced plans to just lay Tacko down sideways and name him “Tacko Wall.”

Bill Russell tweeted at Trump calling him a divisive coward. Proving that all these years later, Russell’s still great at swatting some orange leather. 

ESPN released its list of the 74 best NBA players. Yep – 74. When asked who they looked for, ESPN said, “Guys who gave it 107 percent.”

Unsurprisingly, Michael Jordan was ranked number one. But coming in second? This guy:

Speaking of Michael Jordan, he recently caught a 442-pound marlin. Then the marlin won 442 bucks playing poker against Michael Jordan.

It was pretty shocking, because lately, it’s the Marlins that are catching something. ⚾

Michael Jordan also donated $100 million to fight for racial equality. Right after Isiah Thomas donated $99 million.

ESPN’s “Last Dance” documentary on the 90s Bulls was a huge hit, and featured interviews with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Phil Jackson…and Justin Timberlake. Then Timberlake said, “Crap – am I Chris Kirkpatrick??”

People are still talking about the Chicago Bulls documentary “The Last Dance,” but one of the players it ignored was little-used guard Rusty LaRue. Well, Rusty LaRue posted an itinerary with the aliases used by players at hotels. Some made sense, but some were surprising. For instance…

Starting center Luc Longley? He went by…

Then there’s Toni Kukoc. He was listed as… 

“Sha right that was a foul, Uncle Frank!”

He’s not the only one using a TV nickname. Steve Kerr was listed as…

Now here’s a guy with a strange name as is: Dickey Simpkins. His alias? 

Then there’s the coach, and reclusive Montana native Phil Jackson. He went with… 

(His play book was 300,000 pages long.)

The team’s second-most famous player, Scottie Pippen? He went by…

Of course, Dennis Rodman had craziest alias of all. His was…

Oddly specific…

And finally, Rusty LaRue even spilled on the great Michael Jordan. The name Jordan chose so no one would bother him?

BEAT LA!! ☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️

Jon

The Daily Dozen 6.25.20

It’s almost like COVID-19 is real and doesn’t go away just because you want it to!

The new season of “The Twilight Zone” was just released. I don’t want to spoil too much, but there’s one episode where someone goes to his job and isn’t run over by a police car.

If you want to watch “The Twilight Zone,” it’s on CBS All Access…and CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, CNN, MSNBC, even Lifetime’s getting involved…

Today, Joe Biden received a surprise endorsement from Carly Fiorina. Said Biden, “Sweet! But it’s pronounced ‘California.’”

Fiorina will be the first Republican candidate from 2016 to vote for Biden – well, second, counting Trump.

Today, the Eiffel Tower reopened to tourists. After 104 days, people were finally able to climb to the top and say, “Wait – now I’m in the one thing I came here to see.”

Health experts are blaming younger Americans for the COVID spike, saying they’re putting the elderly at risk. Their parents said, “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” – then got back to voting for Trump, defending Bill Clinton, driving SUVs, disco dancing and planning their Woodstock orgy reunion.

Just days after announcing their return, over a dozen NBA players have tested positive for COVID-19. Which should explain things when each game is just the ref throwing up the opening tip, followed by the ball bouncing in place for 48 minutes. “Another 0-0 barnburner! Literally – we’re playing in a barn!”

Major League Baseball announced a new set of social distancing guidelines to prevent the spread of COVID-19, including no shaking hands. Which means now, the base coaches will just tip their caps to players’ butts when they hit home runs.

You’ll know they’re strict when a player calls time and scratches his crotch with a windshield scraper. 

But you’ll forget all about it during the Seventh Inning Swab.

Major League Baseball’s rules also include no licking hands, no spitting, no showering after games, and no baseball because the season will be canceled by next week.

Disneyland will not reopen until California relaxes its quarantine laws. On the bright side, it gives the Hall of Presidents time to finish Biden. “Just a couple tweaks to his finger guns…”

Disney also said that due to racial connotations, “Splash Mountain” will be remade. Asked when construction will begin, they said, “Right after we replace the water with Purell.”

Don’t feel bad for the “Song of the South” characters – they were booked to headline Trump’s inauguration. “They’ll follow 2 Doors Down. The third Door` caught the fake virus.”

Trump’s younger brother, Robert, is working to stop the release of a tell-all book by their niece. Even the creature from “Cloverfield” was like, “Wait – there’s another monster??””

They actually released footage of the president and his brother greeting each other:

The DNC is planning a virtual convention. Which should explain things when Biden says, “Uhhhh…look! This is uhhhh…Joe! And, uhhhh…not Barack using an Instagram filter!”

Yep, a convention where everyone’s filmed from the shoulders up. Marking the first time they don’t need to make President Clinton wear pants. “But now where’s the fun??”

There’s debate about destroying Mount Rushmore, because the presidents owned slaves. There’s a pitch for an alternative, but workers aren’t sure there’s room for Joey Fatone.

The parent company of Chuck E. Cheese filed for bankruptcy. I’m not sure what’s sadder – seeing them drain the ball pits or Chuck E. dragging a slice of pizza onto the subway.

But this is nice: when they drained one ball pit, they found Jimmy Hoffa. 

It’s not all bad news. Munch's Make Believe Band was just hired to open for Sammy Hagar. “They’ll go after the Splash Mountain Guys and 1 Door Down. Another Door got fake sick.”

NASA announced that its Washington D.C. headquarters will be named after Mary W. Jackson, the first Black woman to work as an engineer in the agency. While the Space Force headquarters is still just a Star Trek play set in the Oval Office. “MORE red tape because of the #SuluFlu! Sad!”

After the FBI said the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage was just a “pulldown rope,” NASCAR said a search found 11 pulldown ropes in knots and just one in a noose. The FBI said it would respond, just as soon as its done refilling a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

And lastly, a new video shows a great white shark swimming beneath surfers in South Africa. And you can tell she’s a great white, because she’s not wearing a fin mask and demands to eat a manager.

Keep Your Moods Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 6.24.20

Well, let’s start by taking a look at where things stood with baseball…

Aww, that’s too bad. Well let’s take a look at the latest COVID-19 projections…

Man, that’s bad, too. Now what happened right after the COVID news?

Wow! What are the odds?? No seriously – someone ask Pete Rose what the odds are.

I love baseball. It’s the friend who offers you a ticket to the game when it knows you’re away at a funeral. “Ohhhh, man! Too bad! Some other time never!”

Even the guys who organized Michael Jackson’s final tour said, “Who they trying to fool?”

Baseball is “planning” a 60-game season. Or as Manny Ramirez would call it, “a season.”

This would actually be the shortest baseball season since 1878. To show you how long ago that was, the bubblegum that came with baseball cards was only 30 years old.

Yep, it would be the shortest season since 1878. The best pitcher that year: Bartolo Colon. 

Cy Young actually won 3 Bartolo Colon Awards. (Ty Cobb won 10 Curt Schilling Awards.)

The games will resume in teams’ home ballparks without fans. Which is why Philadelphia has designed robots to pelt opposing pitchers with batteries.

Teams will only play opponents in their own region. Which means the Toronto Blue Jays will play The Kids in the Hall, Barenaked Ladies and a herd of moose.

If there is another spike in COVID-19, players would be quarantined away from their wives. Which is why today, David Ortiz announced he was coming out of retirement. (Might be safer with the COVID.)

But with the spike in Orlando, the NBA season is now in jeopardy, with players who committed backing out. Which isn’t surprising, as it turns out most of those “players” were actually just K-Pop fans.

Laker Avery Bradley opted out, saying he didn’t want to jeopardize his family’s health. It’s surprising a Laker would bail, since the virus is the only thing they’d catch from LeBron.

Actually, LeBron James said there’s no ill will, and promised to personally call Avery Bradley the wrong name. “Hang in there, Andy!” “It’s Avery.” “Okay, Henry!” 

It could be tough for the Lakers. In fact Jack Nicholson is just sending Christian Slater.

But a lot of players are opting out. Even Air Bud said, “I just couldn’t do that to my hydrant.”

Today, the New York City Marathon was canceled, because officials are afraid the starting pistol would be drowned out by the fireworks.

Runners from New York expressed dismay…about an hour after runners from Kenya expressed dismay.

This is nice: they’re going to use those tinfoil ponchos to cover-up Confederate statues.

Actually, the marathon was canceled due to COVID-19. So if you want to see thousands of New Yorkers run by, just stand at the border to Connecticut.

New Jersey is implementing a 14-day quarantine for anyone traveling from hotspots. I guess they don’t want people to catch it from a guy who caught it from a guy who caught it from a guy, fuhgeddaboudit. 

Former Van Halen singer Sammy Hagar says he plans to keep playing concerts regardless of the virus. Then the CDC said, “Could you? That would actually help people stay home.”

Due to the virus, Japan opened a “drive-in haunted house.” Or as dogs call it, “a carwash.”

The FBI said the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage was just a hanging rope with a circular tie. They also revealed the weapon found on Lee Harvey Oswald was “just a Nerf Blaster clogged with lead.”

Many were upset that it took 15 FBI agents to arrive at such a vague conclusion. However, 13 were there to make sure no one was copying their videos from Blockbuster.

Slavery connotations may force Rhode Island to change its official name, “The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.” Some were shocked to hear that’s its official name, while most had never heard of Rhode Island.

Yep, the state may change its name from The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Instead, it’ll go with the more appropriate name: Boston Jr.

Conservatives are mocking the suggestion Mount Rushmore be destroyed due to the presidents’ ties to slavery, saying, “What, are they gonna blow it up?” Then people said, “How do you think they made it?” (“Uh…God SNEEZED at it?? Pick up a Bible, Einfeld!”)

Yesterday, Trump visited his “border wall,” where only three new miles were constructed. Which explains Trump’s new plan: cloning.

Trump’s former National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, was released from jail. The prison cited a legal loophole and overcrowding from other former Trump Security Advisors.

Porn star Ron Jeremy was arrested and charged with multiple instances of sexual assault. Said Jeremy, “Oh no – was it everything I am?”

Speaking of slithery freaks, an image went viral supposedly showing the Loch Ness Monster. But before it got out of the water, the aliens sent a text saying, “Dude – this year’s WAY too crowded. Let’s come back.”

Yeah, the Loch Ness Monster almost came out of the water. Ironically, it just needed a break from its kid playing “Baby Shark.”

Residents of Lopburi, Thailand want to take the city back from monkeys who have gorged on cereal, candy and caffeinated beverages and engaged in rampant sex. Which explains their leader: Bicurious George.

On the bright side, they’d be the first species featured on Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and MTV. 

It’s pretty bad, and if the monkeys don’t relax, officials may have to deploy an accordion.

A golden retriever in Tennessee just celebrated its 20th birthday. Which in human years makes her Bernie Sanders.

But man, this is an OLD dog… 

This dog’s so old, she actually rides a Jazzy away from the vacuum.

This dog’s so old, she actually wears a Life Alert collar.

This dog’s so old, when you throw a stick, she just says, “Eh, there’ll be other sticks.”

When you throw a tennis ball, she reaches for her glasses and says, “Was that an apple?”

This dog’s so old, instead of a dog whistle, her owner just plays some Michael Bublé.

This dog’s so old, she blows on the water before drinking out of the toilet.

She’s so old, when you leave CNN on to keep her company, she switches it to Fox News.

You can tell she’s old because she thinks Air Bud should just “shut up and dribble.”

But man, she’s old. In fact this dog’s so old, she actually has a cat.

This dog is OLD! In fact she’s SO old, she tells your leg, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”

Keep Your Moods Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 6.23.20

Well if there’s one thing we learned this weekend: it takes more than one glass of water to put out a dumpster fire…

It came out that Trump is increasingly obsessed with proving he is physically fit. But it got awkward when he asked for a pair of dumbbells and Don Jr. and Eric showed up.

Trump’s really trying to get into shape - he even wears thumb weights while he tweets.

But it’s a tough choice for Trump; does he do a pushup, or just give in and wear one?

Trump is also obsessed with reelection, and often demands to know how he’s doing in the polls. Then his staff says, “Well if we just slow down the poll-taking, everything will be fine!”

Because of COVID-19, the second debate between Trump and Joe Biden was moved to Miami. Then hurricanes said, “You know, you guys seem busy enough already…”

Dr. Fauci says he is cautiously optimistic a COVID-19 vaccine could be available by New Year’s. That way, everyone can pack Times Square and catch literally everything else.

Yep, a “giant” event where someone drops the ball - also known as “a Trump rally.”

Believe it or not, Trump wasn’t the weirdest looking person at his rally, thanks to this guy:

But sadly, his night also ended on a pretty rough note…

With a second wave of COVID-19 expected, many are admonishing people for not wearing masks in public. Then they got back to saying how a guy who’s gotten away with fraud, treason, tax evasion and sexual assault for 40 years is “finished” after just one rally.

Seven Philadelphia Phillies tested positive for COVID-19. Which still isn’t as bad as all the things the Phanatic tested positive for. 

“I didn’t think this was possible, but…your lice have lice!”

In order to prevent the spread of COVID-19, Airlines announced they are banning alcohol. Then they announced they were looking for volunteers to fly the plane.

While boarding Air Force Two, Mike Pence fell face-first onto the stairs. After which, he married the stairs. “I’m sorry, Mother, but I had to…”

Yep, Pence fell on the Stairs. Which explains all those new campaign signs:

There’s a theory the government has been dropping off fireworks that have been going off in New York City at night. They might have a point, because the other night, a black van dropped Trump off right after his rally.

That’s right, non-stop fireworks, bad haircuts and spending most of the year indoors. Which explains New York’s new name: New Hampshire.

Michael Keaton is in talks to return as Batman in the upcoming “Flash” movie. But you’ll know he’s aged when his utility belt is replaced with a cell phone holster.

Keaton would play Batman. “But who’s gonna be Bruce Wayne??” asked 6-year-old Rineman after watching the whole movie, just days after he almost skipped first grade.

Four episodes of “30 Rock” have been pulled for featuring blackface. People said, “Are there any shows that didn’t feature blackface??” Then producers for the A-Team said, “Should we tell them ‘Mr. T.’ was just Meryl?”

Winona Ryder says Mel Gibson made homophobic and anti-Semitic remarks at a party. Gibson was shocked, saying, “But nothing sexist, racist or dwarf-related??”

A Delaware man caught an eight-foot shark with his bare hands while swimming. Before he could do any harm to the shark, they were carried away by a baby Murder Hornet.

A priceless 17th Century portrait of the Virgin Mary was ruined by a man trying to restore it. Personally, I don’t think it’s all that bad. Here’s the original:

Now here’s the update:

And lastly, a new study finds that women find men with cats less datable. While men find women with cats after a couple weeks worth of newspapers pile up outside their door.

Keep Your Moods Up By Watching This,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 6.22.20: Somethin' Different

Now when they make a “30 for 30” to get the 411 on how COVID-19 set us back to square 1, and how 45 was behind 8-ball a plenty in the hellish year that is 2020, it’ll run 2 seasons, 24/7 – I don’t think he’ll be watching from Heaven. 365 days on ESPN 2 and 3 and more; ages 13 and over – it’s brutal, 10-4? A picture’s worth 1,000 words; and if we don’t give kids our 2 cents, they’ll give us the 3rd degree. We’re supposed to isolate, but we’re “in this together.” Why’s it when we’re inside we get blue skies for weather?? It’s a Catch-22, a Double-Whammy; check in on your elders – but don’t hug Grammy! They say the 3rd time’s a charm, but 3 strikes and you’re out. The guy sips some water – THAT makes you shout? There’s lots to tell my girl, her 2 cousins. But right now it’s time for the Daily Dozen.

How come the people who don’t want to wear a mask on their face are also the ugliest assholes? I saw a couple of these pricks taking their little Cheeto Roomba for a walk the other day and if it weren’t for the leash, I would’ve asked, “What grade is he in?” You don’t want to look “weak”? Ditch the red hat, dipshit! The only other guy who made red hats famous was Pete Rose, and even HE made more money in the casino business than the lump of porridge you elected president. You say it’s a free country? Okay fine. Why don’t you dress in all red and we free a few thousand bulls?

I don’t have a great feeling about the election, and I’ll tell you why. 6,000 Red Hats and the Hate Pumpkin himself, all in one place – and nobody thought to lock the doors from outside?

Can we please come up with another way of telling jokes than basic analogies? “Trump’s President?? That’s like if Paula Deen became Queen!” Why yes it is! Congratulations! You do get to move on to second grade. Ever think about how socks are like the mittens of the feet? Holy shit – I just won an Emmy.

Now More Than Ever we need to stop saying Now More Than Ever. Really? Now More Than Ever we need to keep in touch with loved ones? Didn’t you, by saying “Now more than ever” just infer we’ll all be dead soon? So I spend my last days on Earth Zooming with the same gaggle of Thanksgiving migraines with whom I’ll soon spend eternity? Now more than ever – say you don’t get what’s so funny about lip-syncing to a Donald Trump speech, because that’s apparently a one-way ticket to Hell.

Fuck fireworks in the first place. And people who cheer for the fireworks like the fireworks can hear them; and the moron who brought a Chihuahua; and fuck the guys who celebrate another night of lighting boom-booms by giving each other stumps-up.

And you for telling me to meditate. “It makes me feel free! It makes me feel good!” So does farting. And that’s what meditation is: the farting of guilt. Guilt you have no right to disown after ruining everyone else’s day with your glassy eyes and dopey grin. Here’s a tip: know someone who likes to “just breathe” at the end of each day? That’s when you light some fucking fireworks.

So we’re in a pandemic where men with gloves can’t stand 40 yards away from each other to play ball, but strip clubs are still allowed? What is the appeal of the strip club? “How’d you like to spend your birthday, Gary?” “I know! Getting a boner right next to my brother-in-law!” Don’t worry about people who go to strip clubs being offended by any of this, as they clearly haven’t discovered the internet. 

And while bars are allowed to reopen, marijuana dispensaries are curbside pickup. It’s nice to know it took a global pandemic to teach us the BEST way to pick up weed is the OLD way to pick up weed.

Now I don’t do either, but the acceptance of alcohol and shame upon weed in this country makes no sense at all. I haven’t lost too many friends to weed – and when I did, we found them an hour later riding around on the baggage carousel. But the differences are basic and bold…

With booze, you get pulled over for drunk driving.

With weed, you stand next to your car, waiting for it to transform into Optimus Prime.

With weed, some buds take your mind to the limits of space.

With booze, some buds throw up all over your place.

With weed, you go into the studio and record “Pet Sounds.”

With booze, you go to Karaoke Night and make dolphin noises.

With booze, you have unprotected sex and get pregnant.

With weed, you spend the night turning condoms into balloon animals.

With weed, you fall asleep to “Yo Gabba Gabba.”

With booze, you wake up grouchy inside a trash can.

And with booze, you get a tattoo you’ll regret forever.

With weed, you give the tattoo they’ll regret forever.

Hang in, there ain’t no doubt,

Hang tough, over and out!

Jon

We miss you George (Now More Than Ever)

We're Talkin' Baseball ⚾

Happy Father’s Day!

Sadly, no games today. But Dad, Uncle Rich, Uncle Tom and Grandpa, here’s to you…

Well, it looks like baseball may not come back this year. But don’t be too harsh – a pandemic is no time for a game where everyone wears gloves and stands very far apart.

ESPN announced it will start airing the Korean Baseball Organization. Which might backfire, since the only guys still watching baseball actually fought in Korea.

It’s looking more likely the baseball season is going to be canceled due to COVID-19. You can tell players are worried – today in Iowa, Joe Jackson wore shoes.

Meanwhile, Ray Kinsella turned his cornfield into a Quidditch pitch.

Major League Baseball is on the verge of canceling its season after owners wouldn’t agree to concessions with players. That’s when you know baseball’s in trouble – when even the owners think the concessions are too expensive. (That was for you, Dad!)

March 26 would have been Opening Day for Major League Baseball. But to keep fans engaged, the Red Sox traded two COVID-19 test kits for a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins.

That’s right, Major League Baseball postponed Opening Day. The Commissioner said, “Trust me – our players test positive for enough things as is.”

MLB had “Opening Day At Home” by offering 30 classic games for free. The way it works is, you watch just one baseball game – and by the 4th inning, the pandemic is over.

But baseball’s really changing. You can tell by that new chant: “We want a pitcher – and absolutely, positively, under NO circumstances WHATSOEVER a belly-itcher!!”

Baseball initially approved a plan where the first game would be played as early as July. The Red Sox’ owners called the plan a “good first start,” the Yankees’ owners called it “reason for optimism,” and the Orioles’ owner is a Roomba trapped in a corner.  

During the pandemic, there would be a rule where inactive players have to sit in the stands instead of the dugout. That’s gotta be fun when a manager tells a pitcher, “You were awful! Now get up in there and start The Wave!”

That’s right, they’re limiting the number of people in each dugout. And when a team wins, it has to use the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.

Yankee Stadium hopes to use its parking lot as a drive-in. They’ll show classics such as “Pride of the Yankees,” and comedies such as “Up 3-0 to the Red Sox.”

Yep, Yankee Stadium’s parking lot in the Bronx will become a drive-in. The way it works is, someone takes your order on one side, while someone takes your hubcaps on the other.

Jose Altuve used a vibrating pager in his jersey that signaled what pitches were coming. One meant fastball; two meant curveball; three meant his table was ready at Applebee’s.

They say Altuve used a pager; Mike Trout is on HGH; and for the final five years of his consecutive games streak, Cal Ripken Jr. was played by Meryl Streep.

For his role, Mets manager Carlos Beltran was fired before his first game. Said the Mets…

Major League Baseball basically gave the Red Sox a slap on the wrist for sign-stealing. And for old time’s sake, they brought A-Rod in to do it.

You can tell Rob Manfred’s gone soft, because’s he’s allowing rebroadcast, retransmission, and accounts of the game with the implied written consent of Major League Baseball.

Manfred was also criticized for calling the World Series Trophy a “piece of metal.” Then he congratulated Derek Jeter for being inducted into “The Dead Guy Museum.”

The Washington Nationals unveiled their World Series Championship ring which, as a tribute to one player’s walk-up song, features Baby Shark. Which means somewhere, Ty Cobb is saying something racist about sharks.

Umpire Angel Hernandez is in trouble for eavesdropping on a phone call between MLB officials and another umpire. Marking the first call Hernandez didn’t miss.

Because of the pandemic, there’s been talk about contraction – or, the elimination of teams. But I thought instead of that, they could just merge a few teams. For instance…

• The Red Sox and White Sox become…The Pink Sox.

• The Blue Jays and the Rays become…The Ray Js.

• The Royals and the Reds become…The Prince Harrys.

• The Tigers and the Angels become…The Carole Baskin Husbands.

• The Texas Rangers and Houston Astros become…The Austin Powers.

• The Indians and Braves become…The Casinos That Reopened Too Soon.

• And lastly, Baltimore and Oakland have been struggling to stay in business for years. What do you get when you combine a bunch of “O’s” and “A’s”……?

And lastly, President Trump said Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Incidentally, “Cincinnati Red” is also the setting on Trump’s tanning bed.

Speaking of which…

It’s now clear that just two things can save us from COVID-19: President Trump and Korean baseball. But that’s not all they have in common. Back in 2015 – when this was all still funny, as we thought Hillary knew about swing states and people would clap for Jeb unprompted – Britain’s Daily Mail reported that our current Commander in Chief was a star ballplayer. So good, in fact, he was supposedly scouted by…the Boston Red Sox. So strap on your Rod Serling/Jordan Peele/[Current Press Secretary] swirly glasses as we travel to another dimension, where an 18-year-old with flowing red hair and unwavering confidence takes the field in the summer of ‘64…

BOSTON– Tom Yawkey looked on from afar. Always interested in signing talent – rarely doingit, but often interested– the man who allegedly shouted Jackie Robinson off the field was present for another tryout. But there was no shortage of swagger at Fenway Park this day, as hot shot, “my parents can’t stand-me”/military school prospect Donald J. Trump walked up the steps of the Red Sox dugout. “I’m still hoping to sign with San Francisco,” he remarked. “After all, the J in my name stands for ‘Giant.’ But my dad says he might pull a few strings and make me a Dodger.” Then, “Wow! Look at all the scouts here to see me. There must be 200, 300, 800 scouts!” – eliciting a shrug from both of them.

As Trump surveyed the cozy confines of Fenway, I asked how familiar he was with the park, and the tragedy with which its opening coincided. When told that it was the sinking of the Titanic (and not “the dinosaurs go bye-bye,”) he remarked, “Ah yes. But if you ask me, that iceberg was treated very unfairly. There were some fine people on that boat, but there was also some veryfine ice on that berg!”

            Trump then mentioned that he was staying at the nearby Hotel Buckminster, as the hotel owned by his father was, quote, “a raging bedbug orgy.” When asked if he knew of its significance in Shoeless Joe Jackson’s “Black Sox” scandal, Trump said, “Of course. He refused to wear his shoes, which made his socks turn black. That’s why you always sleep in your shoes, folks. I even made up a rhyme: ‘shoes in bed, while you rest your face.’” Another scribe brought forth the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry, and the debate about whether Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio is the game’s greatest hitter. But young Mr. Trump wasn’t taking the bait. “That’s a tough call – like trying to pick a side in the Cold War.”

            Trump remained upbeat, boasting of past achievements at the amateur level. “Our first game, I went 4 for 5,” he said. “Then our next game, 5 for 5. And – you won’t believe this – the game after that, I managed to go 8 for 5. It had never been done – not even by Footless Jim Johnson.” This clearly raised the bar for Trump’s workout. Asked whether he possesses all five tools, he said, “No – but I plan to have three with my first wife.”

After snorting the first baseline, Trump was ready to show his stuff. First up was batting practice – but just preparing proved a chore. “I know I’m a lefty,”he was heard whispering, struggling to pick a box. “But they’ll only take me seriously as a righty…”Following several misses and weak grounders back to the mound, Trump summoned a caddy, who proceeded to place a baseball on a tee. “Ah, that’s more like it!” said Trump, before hitting one ball to the outfield…then refusing to pay the caddy.

Perhaps, it was suggested, Trump would make a better sacrifice hitter, laying down a tight squeeze. “I laid down two verytight squeezes on the flight up,” he replied, “but don’t worry – I paid the stewardess 130 grand to keep it quiet.”

From there, it was on to base running, at which Trump rounded the bases in an impressive 12 seconds. When asked to do so without riding in a limo, Trump declined, citing “cleat spurs.” 

“All field/no hit” appeared to be the best-case scenario as Trump switched to defense. “You expect me to wear this giant first baseman’s mitt at second base??” he asked, before a coach replied that it was actually a child’s glove that fell out of the stands. The coach then proceeded to hit 20 fungos – followed by 19 “I wasn’t readies” and one ball that was blocked by Trump’s five-foot-long necktie. 

“It’s okay,” Trump assured us, “I’m better suited as a cutoff man.” When asked if anything had gone over his head, Trump said, “Yes – the plot to ‘Mary Poppins.’ One minute, it’s fun, then they jump back out of that drawing and it’s a big-boy movie! Am I gonna see dancing cartoon penguins or what??”

Given his girth and the protective cup that saved him from that stewardess, it was suggested Trump should give catching a shot. “Fine. But I’m not wearing a mask. Did General Lee wear a mask?” he mused about a man who at no point played baseball. “No. So I’m not wearing a mask. It’s a no. Record no-ness from me, that I can tell you. Gimme the mask just in case. You’re Fake Ball!”

The coaches then directed Trump to left field, where, curiously, he proceeded to let fly ball after fly ball bounce directly off his head without the slightest reaction. As we finally approached, it became apparent that Mr. Trump wasn’t even facing home plate – but instead, the oversized, green barrier before him. “OH. MY. GOD,” he said like Janice from that future show. “Look at that beautiful WALLLL.”

Nothing would deter him – this was now the only topic of conversation. “I have never seen such a big, beautiful wall,” he marveled. “If only there was a way I could share my need for this wall with the masses…using approximately 275 characters, then five stray dots…before finally finishing my thought 11 minutes later on the toilet…”

He was smitten. “Would you look at it?” he exclaimed, now physically hugging the monstrosity. “When you sign me, that wall’s gonna get ten feet higher! And when I can’t get the Mexican League to pay for it, the Washington Senators will!”

As his tryout ended, Trump appeared pleased by his performance – but was already looking ahead to his post-playing days. (“I heard when you’re a third base coach, you get to wave some Latinos home.”) And finally, he met with Mr. Yawkey. When asked if Trump would be suiting up at Fenway, Yawkey – owner of the last baseball team to integrate by a decade– said, “Sorry – he’s far too racist.”

Keep Your Moods Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 6.18.20

I’ve never eaten Taco Bell.

The Supreme Court ruled against rescinding the DACA immigration program. That means in just one week, the president’s lost Bostok v. Clayton County, Department of Homeland Security v. Regents of the University of California, and of course – Trump v. Ramp.

After the ruling, Trump tweeted, “Do you get the impression that the Supreme Court doesn’t like me?” Then the Court said, “Bigger question: do you?”

It’s nice that the president’s reaction to being shot down by the Supreme Court is the same as mine when someone doesn’t answer a text after five minutes. “Was it the blog? Is it because I didn’t stay for dinner 10 years ago??”

After the ruling, Trump went on a Twitter rant about needing new Justices. Then an hour later, he came back with his arm in a sling and said, “Okay – other than Ginsburg.”

But the craziest thing is Trump tweeted, “First thing the anarchists did upon taking over Seattle was ‘BUILD A WALL.’ See, I was ahead of our times!” Then he said, “By saying ‘Nevermind’ to filing my taxes, I basically created Nirvana! Enjoy!”

Trump also tweeted that the decision out of the Supreme Court are “shotgun blasts to the face” of Republicans. Making Trump the first president banned from meeting himself.

Dick Cheney was trending because Trump talked about shooting someone in the face. Cheney said, “So it wasn’tbecause of me singing ‘TROLZZ’ on ‘America’s Got Talent’?”

In his lukewarm-off-the-presses book, John Bolton says Trump asked Chinese President Xi Jinping for help winning this year’s election. When asked how he knows, Bolton said, “...That’s what Xi said!” and admitted that’s the only reason he wrote the book.

Bolton says Putin thinks he can play Trump like a fiddle. Then Putin said, “I prefer to think ‘like keytar.’ We are behind with the music videos. But like the Franky say, you relax now.”

And Bolton says Trump and Kim Jong Un spent their meeting flattering each other. While the next morning, Dennis Rodman texted them both, “Sooooooo…❤️❤️how did it go???”

Some are saying Bolton’s book could wind up costing Trump the election. That’s 2020 for ya – the year JK Rowling promotes bigotry while John Bolton makes us believe in magic.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says that an uptick in COVID-19 means the NFL season may not happen this year. He said, “Believe me – I’m just as disappointed as you to not paint my chest in a parking lot.”

Dr. Fauci said the NFL may cancel its season. At which point, every team will try to sign Colin Kaepernick. “Ohhh, too bad! But we TRIED! That counts! See how good we are??”

Yep, no Super Bowl. And in the Puppy Bowl, the players have to wear masks on their butts.

A USA Today columnist iisted five defunct ballparks where he wishes he could watch baseball. Then he updated it to 35 defunct ballparks he wishes he could watch baseball.

Experts say they’ve found traces of COVID-19 on fish at the supermarket. I knew we were in trouble when my Big Mouth Billy Bass sang “Rapture.” 

People are boycotting Taco Bell after an employee was fired for wearing a Black Lives Matter face mask. Taco Bell said, “Have you tried our food? Our take is NO lives matter!”

Everyone’s mad at Taco Bell. Today, my Chihuahua said, “Yo quiero just a protein bar.” (Then my Big-Mouth Billy Bass said, “Our dog can talk?”)

Bloomberg did a big story on how “racism is rampant” on Reddit. Not only that – they say there’s a chance some YouTube comments are mean.

Raven Symone surprised everyone by announcing she married her longtime girlfriend. When asked if they were surprised, her “Cosby Show” castmates said, “It kinda takes a lot to surprise us at this point…”

DC Comics is producing podcasts featuring superheroes. Which sounds fun, until it’s just 45 minutes of Superman and Aquaman making sure they’re “good.” (“I mean, we good man?” “I think so.” “Just checking, because, you know, we had sort of a…a thing…”)

Superheroes will be featured in podcasts. I can’t wait to hear, “I’m Batman. But if YOU’RE looking for self-motivated individuals, ZipRecruiter is the hero you need right now.”

I read about a robot surgeon that can operate on patients and sew them back up. In fact the robot doctor is so realistic, it actually makes fun of robot dentists.

NASA says an eclipse on Sunday could create a ring of fire, which some interpret as a sign of the apocalypse. Then God said, “Actually, I was just jonesing for some Johnny Cash.”

Bruce Johnston says The Beach Boys will reunite to record an old classic with Wilson Phillips. I’m not sure what song, but I think we can rule out “Catch a Wave.” (“In My Zoom?”)

And lastly, Scientists discovered an ancient egg laid by a massive reptile known as the mosasaur. When asked where they found it, they said, “A breakfast burrito at Taco Bell.”

Keep Your Moods Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 6.17.20

Re: the unwritten rule you shouldn’t attack other comedians: what if you haven’t been onstage in six months and the other guy hasn’t written a joke in six years?

Also, we’ve all cried when McDonald’s got our order wrong. I cry while ordering.

Saturday is the Summer Solstice, which is now in a 365-way tie for longest day of the year.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says he would not go to a Trump campaign rally because of COVID-19. Then Trump supporters said, “Don’t worry – we’ll be safe and wear two sheets.”

Actually, a man in Wisconsin was spotted walking his dog in a KKK outfit. Look at this:

His dog was like, “You guys get the paper bag and the matches – I’ll do the rest.”

Health experts are saying that dogs should socially distance to avoid spreading COVID-17. Which is why today, I saw my dog ButtTiming with her friends.

Dogs can get COVID-19. Which is why vacuums are running from them.

Yep, dogs can get the coronavirus. Which explains why my leg’s just been getting sexts.

🚨!!!DOG JOKE TRIFECTA!!!🚨

🚨!!!DOG JOKE TRIFECTA!!!🚨

With a second wave of COVID-19 on the way, we’re supposed to be vigilant in tracking symptoms like fatigue, congestion, irritability, and hallucinations. So if you feel Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy or Dopey, stop being Bashful, make us all Happy, and go see a Doc.

Actually, the NBA is getting ready to resume play at Disney World, and it released a 113-page booklet outlining all the rules. They urged players to read it immediately, while the refs can do it with 20 seconds left in a tie game. “The dribbler took five steps, so…nine free throws for Jack Nicholson?”

I read that the better teams will stay at nicer hotels. For instance, the Lakers and Celtics will stay at the Grand Floridian, while the Knicks and Cavs will stay at the Bates Motel. 

While at Disney, players will have daily movie screenings, DJs, pool, lawn games and ping pong. And Gregg Popovich in a fanny pack yelling, “I take you kids to Disney, and you want to stay at the hotel??”

Charles Barkley’s more excited to go to EPCOT, since it has a golf ball he might actually hit.

Today is National Mascot Day. And since there probably won’t be any games this year, the Phillie Phanatic decided to finally treat himself to a honk job.

Major League Baseball is on the verge of canceling its season after owners wouldn’t agree to concessions with players. That’s when you know baseball’s in trouble – when even the owners think the concessions are too expensive. (That was for you, Dad!)

With COVID-19 hitting hard in Russia, workers have set up a “disinfection tunnel” for Vladimir Putin. Or as Putin put it, “If anyone need me…

…I hack election in ball pit.”

I saw that many are leaving their homes in New York City for the Catskills. Or as they put it, “Take my apartment…please!”

Back in my hometown, Hampton Beach, New Hampshire announced it is canceling its Seafood Festival this fall. But if you still want to get free crabs…just go clubbing at Hampton Beach this summer.

And Experts say COVID-19 could force casinos to go cashless. As opposed for another way for casinos to go cashless: get purchased by Trump.

Quaker Oats is discontinuing Aunt Jemima because of its racist connotations. Then the Black community said, “Actually, we’re more offended by the Quaker Oats boxes…”

Quaker Oats says that Aunt Jemima is being removed to make progress toward racial equality. “Welp – cancel my tee time,” said Rush Limbaugh’s cardiologist.

That’s right, they’re getting rid of all the Aunt Jemima syrup on store shelves. Which is why Chris Christie showed up at Wegmans with a funnel.

No more Aunt Jemima. Trump said, “NOW what do I chug after I run down a ramp??”

🚨!!!CLUMSY DUMB GUY TRIFECTA!!!🚨

🚨!!!CLUMSY DUMB GUY TRIFECTA!!!🚨

And a former British lawmaker is calling on Kellogg’s to diversify Snap, Crackle and Pop. Kellogg’s agreed, and introduced Snap, Karen and Pop.

Yep, former lawmaker Fiona Onasanya wants to get rid of Snap, Crackle and Pop. While I’d go one step further, and ban everyone who’s not on an early-2000s sitcom from using the word “Snap.”

And lastly, Kristen Stewart will play Princess Diana in an upcoming movie. While Ricky Gervais is still choosing between Charles and Camilla.

Keep Your Mood Up (And Think Before You Tweet),

Jon