It’s almost like COVID-19 is real and doesn’t go away just because you want it to!
The new season of “The Twilight Zone” was just released. I don’t want to spoil too much, but there’s one episode where someone goes to his job and isn’t run over by a police car.
If you want to watch “The Twilight Zone,” it’s on CBS All Access…and CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, CNN, MSNBC, even Lifetime’s getting involved…
Today, Joe Biden received a surprise endorsement from Carly Fiorina. Said Biden, “Sweet! But it’s pronounced ‘California.’”
Fiorina will be the first Republican candidate from 2016 to vote for Biden – well, second, counting Trump.
Today, the Eiffel Tower reopened to tourists. After 104 days, people were finally able to climb to the top and say, “Wait – now I’m in the one thing I came here to see.”
Health experts are blaming younger Americans for the COVID spike, saying they’re putting the elderly at risk. Their parents said, “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” – then got back to voting for Trump, defending Bill Clinton, driving SUVs, disco dancing and planning their Woodstock orgy reunion.
Just days after announcing their return, over a dozen NBA players have tested positive for COVID-19. Which should explain things when each game is just the ref throwing up the opening tip, followed by the ball bouncing in place for 48 minutes. “Another 0-0 barnburner! Literally – we’re playing in a barn!”
Major League Baseball announced a new set of social distancing guidelines to prevent the spread of COVID-19, including no shaking hands. Which means now, the base coaches will just tip their caps to players’ butts when they hit home runs.
You’ll know they’re strict when a player calls time and scratches his crotch with a windshield scraper.
But you’ll forget all about it during the Seventh Inning Swab.
Major League Baseball’s rules also include no licking hands, no spitting, no showering after games, and no baseball because the season will be canceled by next week.
Disneyland will not reopen until California relaxes its quarantine laws. On the bright side, it gives the Hall of Presidents time to finish Biden. “Just a couple tweaks to his finger guns…”
Disney also said that due to racial connotations, “Splash Mountain” will be remade. Asked when construction will begin, they said, “Right after we replace the water with Purell.”
Don’t feel bad for the “Song of the South” characters – they were booked to headline Trump’s inauguration. “They’ll follow 2 Doors Down. The third Door` caught the fake virus.”
Trump’s younger brother, Robert, is working to stop the release of a tell-all book by their niece. Even the creature from “Cloverfield” was like, “Wait – there’s another monster??””
They actually released footage of the president and his brother greeting each other:
The DNC is planning a virtual convention. Which should explain things when Biden says, “Uhhhh…look! This is uhhhh…Joe! And, uhhhh…not Barack using an Instagram filter!”
Yep, a convention where everyone’s filmed from the shoulders up. Marking the first time they don’t need to make President Clinton wear pants. “But now where’s the fun??”
There’s debate about destroying Mount Rushmore, because the presidents owned slaves. There’s a pitch for an alternative, but workers aren’t sure there’s room for Joey Fatone.
The parent company of Chuck E. Cheese filed for bankruptcy. I’m not sure what’s sadder – seeing them drain the ball pits or Chuck E. dragging a slice of pizza onto the subway.
But this is nice: when they drained one ball pit, they found Jimmy Hoffa.
It’s not all bad news. Munch's Make Believe Band was just hired to open for Sammy Hagar. “They’ll go after the Splash Mountain Guys and 1 Door Down. Another Door got fake sick.”
NASA announced that its Washington D.C. headquarters will be named after Mary W. Jackson, the first Black woman to work as an engineer in the agency. While the Space Force headquarters is still just a Star Trek play set in the Oval Office. “MORE red tape because of the #SuluFlu! Sad!”
After the FBI said the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage was just a “pulldown rope,” NASCAR said a search found 11 pulldown ropes in knots and just one in a noose. The FBI said it would respond, just as soon as its done refilling a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.
And lastly, a new video shows a great white shark swimming beneath surfers in South Africa. And you can tell she’s a great white, because she’s not wearing a fin mask and demands to eat a manager.
Keep Your Moods Up,
Jon