We're Talkin' 🏀

It’s been a while. So if you’ve lost track of what happened, or are just bored in the Bubble because you were quarantined for going to a strip club, here’s a primer to catch you up. Because…

NOTE: In the 80s & 90s, you were allowed to bring all those weapons onto the court.

After being off for over four months, the NBA will finally resume play tomorrow. And Gregg Popovich will still sit five starters for rest.

The NBA is playing with no fans at Disney World. The season will start tomorrow, then the mics will pick up 10 seconds of trash talk, and then Disney will cancel the season.

Yep, games will take place in empty arenas. Which will get weird when all the players stop just to listen to Bill Walton commentate. “Hey Dave - have YOU ever seen Zeus surf the Euphrates on a redwood??”

The season stopped when Jazz center Rudy Gobert tested positive for COVID-19 – right after jokingly touching a bunch of reporters’ equipment. You know it’s bad when Giuliani isn’t our dumbest Rudy.

Actually, many players tested positive for COVID-19. Which should explain things when the ref tosses up the opening tip…followed by the ball bouncing in place for 48 minutes.

Laker Avery Bradley opted out, saying he didn’t want to jeopardize his family’s health. It’s surprising a Laker bails, since the virus is the only thing they’d ever catch from LeBron.

He’s not the only one from L.A. To be safe, Jack Nicholson is just sending Christian Slater.

Players had a call to discuss it. Kyrie Irving said he didn’t think they should play; Chris Paul said they should; then Vladimir Putin said, “Is not important, I already choose winner…”

But a few of players opted out. Even Air Bud said, “I just couldn’t do that to my hydrant.”

Some media members also refused to cover games in the Bubble. While one just said…

Already, some players have been quarantined for breaking the rules - most notably Clippers guard Lou Williams, who went to a strip club. I guess they knew something was up when he sneezed and glitter came out.

After going to a strip club, Williams is now stuck in his room browsing the internet - a.k.a. the world’s biggest strip club.

I read that better teams have nicer accommodations. For instance, the Lakers and Celtics will stay at the Grand Floridian, while the Knicks and Cavs will stay at Guantanamo Bay.

Players will have movie screenings, DJs, pool and ping pong. And Hubie Brown in a fanny pack yelling, “I take you kids to Disney, and you want to stay at the hotel??”

Actually, LeBron hopes to play at EPCOT, since they make it so easy to travel.

And Charles Barkley’s excited to go to EPCOT, since it has a golf ball he might actually hit:

“First of all, Figment…this place being open AT ALL is turrible.”

Yep, the NBA at Disney World. But it’ll get weird when they sing “It’s a Small World” and Kyrie says, “And flat!”

There will be some changes since games are at Disney. Like instead of saying a guy’s “ice cold,” they’ll say he’s “gone Walt.”

Ahead of its return, the NBA released a 113-page booklet outlining all the rules. They urged players to read it immediately, while the refs can do it with 20 seconds left in a tie game. “The dribbler took five steps, so…nine free throws for Spike Lee?”

Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck donated one million dollars towards a COVID-19 vaccine development. While in LA, the Buss Brothers went to Panera just to sneeze in the soup.

With the season suspended, Kevin Love donated $100,000 to the arena staff in Cleveland. Most called Love “generous,” while his Uncle Mike called him, ”adopted.”

The NCAA granted a waiver allowing athletes an extra year of eligibility. And players said they were extremely grateful for the laugh. “EXTRA not getting paid?? SWEET!”

An agent says Pelicans star Zion Williamson received money to attend Duke. Even crazier: “Zion Williamson” is just Lori Loughlin’s daughters standing on each other’s shoulders.

Williamson allegedly received gifts and other services, which could lead to an investigation of Coach Mike Krzyzewski. But if you yell “Krzyzewski!” right now, people make you isolate for 14 days.

Clippers owner Steve Ballmer bought the LA Forum for $400 million in cash. He called it a big investment, while the guy behind him at the ATM called it the worst day of his life.

The Clippers played an unexpected role in all of this. Turns out V. Stiviano was just keeping herself safe:

Vince Carter became the first NBA player to play in four different decades. You can tell he’s old since he requested a Cardigan Cannon.

Meanwhile, Giannis Antetokounmpo had his Twitter account hacked. As a result, he’s chosen a more secure password: “Giannis Antetokounmpo.”

Celtics rookie Tacko Fall was one of the top vote getters for the All-Star Game, despite barely playing. Many just voted for him as a joke – so let me be the first to congratulate President Tacko!

Actually, President Trump announced plans to just lay Tacko down sideways and name him “Tacko Wall.”

Bill Russell tweeted at Trump calling him a divisive coward. Proving that all these years later, Russell’s still great at swatting some orange leather.

ESPN released its list of the 74 best NBA players. Yep – 74. When asked who they looked for, ESPN said, “Guys who gave it 107 percent.”

Unsurprisingly, Michael Jordan was ranked number one. But coming in second? This guy:

Speaking of Michael Jordan, he recently caught a 442-pound marlin. Then the marlin won 442 bucks playing poker against Michael Jordan.

It was pretty shocking, because lately, it’s the Marlins that are catching something. ⚾

Michael Jordan also donated $100 million to fight for racial equality. Right after Isiah Thomas donated $99 million.

ESPN’s “Last Dance” documentary on the 90s Bulls was a huge hit, and featured interviews with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Phil Jackson…and Justin Timberlake. Then Timberlake said, “Crap – am I Chris Kirkpatrick??”

People are still talking about the Chicago Bulls documentary “The Last Dance,” but one of the players it ignored was little-used guard Rusty LaRue. Well, Rusty LaRue posted an itinerary with the aliases used by players at hotels. Some made sense, but some were surprising. For instance…

Starting center Luc Longley? He went by…