I’ve never eaten Taco Bell.
The Supreme Court ruled against rescinding the DACA immigration program. That means in just one week, the president’s lost Bostok v. Clayton County, Department of Homeland Security v. Regents of the University of California, and of course – Trump v. Ramp.
After the ruling, Trump tweeted, “Do you get the impression that the Supreme Court doesn’t like me?” Then the Court said, “Bigger question: do you?”
It’s nice that the president’s reaction to being shot down by the Supreme Court is the same as mine when someone doesn’t answer a text after five minutes. “Was it the blog? Is it because I didn’t stay for dinner 10 years ago??”
After the ruling, Trump went on a Twitter rant about needing new Justices. Then an hour later, he came back with his arm in a sling and said, “Okay – other than Ginsburg.”
But the craziest thing is Trump tweeted, “First thing the anarchists did upon taking over Seattle was ‘BUILD A WALL.’ See, I was ahead of our times!” Then he said, “By saying ‘Nevermind’ to filing my taxes, I basically created Nirvana! Enjoy!”
Trump also tweeted that the decision out of the Supreme Court are “shotgun blasts to the face” of Republicans. Making Trump the first president banned from meeting himself.
Dick Cheney was trending because Trump talked about shooting someone in the face. Cheney said, “So it wasn’tbecause of me singing ‘TROLZZ’ on ‘America’s Got Talent’?”
In his lukewarm-off-the-presses book, John Bolton says Trump asked Chinese President Xi Jinping for help winning this year’s election. When asked how he knows, Bolton said, “...That’s what Xi said!” and admitted that’s the only reason he wrote the book.
Bolton says Putin thinks he can play Trump like a fiddle. Then Putin said, “I prefer to think ‘like keytar.’ We are behind with the music videos. But like the Franky say, you relax now.”
And Bolton says Trump and Kim Jong Un spent their meeting flattering each other. While the next morning, Dennis Rodman texted them both, “Sooooooo…❤️❤️how did it go???”
Some are saying Bolton’s book could wind up costing Trump the election. That’s 2020 for ya – the year JK Rowling promotes bigotry while John Bolton makes us believe in magic.
Dr. Anthony Fauci says that an uptick in COVID-19 means the NFL season may not happen this year. He said, “Believe me – I’m just as disappointed as you to not paint my chest in a parking lot.”
Dr. Fauci said the NFL may cancel its season. At which point, every team will try to sign Colin Kaepernick. “Ohhh, too bad! But we TRIED! That counts! See how good we are??”
Yep, no Super Bowl. And in the Puppy Bowl, the players have to wear masks on their butts.
A USA Today columnist iisted five defunct ballparks where he wishes he could watch baseball. Then he updated it to 35 defunct ballparks he wishes he could watch baseball.
Experts say they’ve found traces of COVID-19 on fish at the supermarket. I knew we were in trouble when my Big Mouth Billy Bass sang “Rapture.”
People are boycotting Taco Bell after an employee was fired for wearing a Black Lives Matter face mask. Taco Bell said, “Have you tried our food? Our take is NO lives matter!”
Everyone’s mad at Taco Bell. Today, my Chihuahua said, “Yo quiero just a protein bar.” (Then my Big-Mouth Billy Bass said, “Our dog can talk?”)
Bloomberg did a big story on how “racism is rampant” on Reddit. Not only that – they say there’s a chance some YouTube comments are mean.
Raven Symone surprised everyone by announcing she married her longtime girlfriend. When asked if they were surprised, her “Cosby Show” castmates said, “It kinda takes a lot to surprise us at this point…”
DC Comics is producing podcasts featuring superheroes. Which sounds fun, until it’s just 45 minutes of Superman and Aquaman making sure they’re “good.” (“I mean, we good man?” “I think so.” “Just checking, because, you know, we had sort of a…a thing…”)
Superheroes will be featured in podcasts. I can’t wait to hear, “I’m Batman. But if YOU’RE looking for self-motivated individuals, ZipRecruiter is the hero you need right now.”
I read about a robot surgeon that can operate on patients and sew them back up. In fact the robot doctor is so realistic, it actually makes fun of robot dentists.
NASA says an eclipse on Sunday could create a ring of fire, which some interpret as a sign of the apocalypse. Then God said, “Actually, I was just jonesing for some Johnny Cash.”
Bruce Johnston says The Beach Boys will reunite to record an old classic with Wilson Phillips. I’m not sure what song, but I think we can rule out “Catch a Wave.” (“In My Zoom?”)
And lastly, Scientists discovered an ancient egg laid by a massive reptile known as the mosasaur. When asked where they found it, they said, “A breakfast burrito at Taco Bell.”
Keep Your Moods Up,
Jon