Now when they make a “30 for 30” to get the 411 on how COVID-19 set us back to square 1, and how 45 was behind 8-ball a plenty in the hellish year that is 2020, it’ll run 2 seasons, 24/7 – I don’t think he’ll be watching from Heaven. 365 days on ESPN 2 and 3 and more; ages 13 and over – it’s brutal, 10-4? A picture’s worth 1,000 words; and if we don’t give kids our 2 cents, they’ll give us the 3rd degree. We’re supposed to isolate, but we’re “in this together.” Why’s it when we’re inside we get blue skies for weather?? It’s a Catch-22, a Double-Whammy; check in on your elders – but don’t hug Grammy! They say the 3rd time’s a charm, but 3 strikes and you’re out. The guy sips some water – THAT makes you shout? There’s lots to tell my girl, her 2 cousins. But right now it’s time for the Daily Dozen.
How come the people who don’t want to wear a mask on their face are also the ugliest assholes? I saw a couple of these pricks taking their little Cheeto Roomba for a walk the other day and if it weren’t for the leash, I would’ve asked, “What grade is he in?” You don’t want to look “weak”? Ditch the red hat, dipshit! The only other guy who made red hats famous was Pete Rose, and even HE made more money in the casino business than the lump of porridge you elected president. You say it’s a free country? Okay fine. Why don’t you dress in all red and we free a few thousand bulls?
I don’t have a great feeling about the election, and I’ll tell you why. 6,000 Red Hats and the Hate Pumpkin himself, all in one place – and nobody thought to lock the doors from outside?
Can we please come up with another way of telling jokes than basic analogies? “Trump’s President?? That’s like if Paula Deen became Queen!” Why yes it is! Congratulations! You do get to move on to second grade. Ever think about how socks are like the mittens of the feet? Holy shit – I just won an Emmy.
Now More Than Ever we need to stop saying Now More Than Ever. Really? Now More Than Ever we need to keep in touch with loved ones? Didn’t you, by saying “Now more than ever” just infer we’ll all be dead soon? So I spend my last days on Earth Zooming with the same gaggle of Thanksgiving migraines with whom I’ll soon spend eternity? Now more than ever – say you don’t get what’s so funny about lip-syncing to a Donald Trump speech, because that’s apparently a one-way ticket to Hell.
Fuck fireworks in the first place. And people who cheer for the fireworks like the fireworks can hear them; and the moron who brought a Chihuahua; and fuck the guys who celebrate another night of lighting boom-booms by giving each other stumps-up.
And you for telling me to meditate. “It makes me feel free! It makes me feel good!” So does farting. And that’s what meditation is: the farting of guilt. Guilt you have no right to disown after ruining everyone else’s day with your glassy eyes and dopey grin. Here’s a tip: know someone who likes to “just breathe” at the end of each day? That’s when you light some fucking fireworks.
So we’re in a pandemic where men with gloves can’t stand 40 yards away from each other to play ball, but strip clubs are still allowed? What is the appeal of the strip club? “How’d you like to spend your birthday, Gary?” “I know! Getting a boner right next to my brother-in-law!” Don’t worry about people who go to strip clubs being offended by any of this, as they clearly haven’t discovered the internet.
And while bars are allowed to reopen, marijuana dispensaries are curbside pickup. It’s nice to know it took a global pandemic to teach us the BEST way to pick up weed is the OLD way to pick up weed.
Now I don’t do either, but the acceptance of alcohol and shame upon weed in this country makes no sense at all. I haven’t lost too many friends to weed – and when I did, we found them an hour later riding around on the baggage carousel. But the differences are basic and bold…
With booze, you get pulled over for drunk driving.
With weed, you stand next to your car, waiting for it to transform into Optimus Prime.
With weed, some buds take your mind to the limits of space.
With booze, some buds throw up all over your place.
With weed, you go into the studio and record “Pet Sounds.”
With booze, you go to Karaoke Night and make dolphin noises.
With booze, you have unprotected sex and get pregnant.
With weed, you spend the night turning condoms into balloon animals.
With weed, you fall asleep to “Yo Gabba Gabba.”
With booze, you wake up grouchy inside a trash can.
And with booze, you get a tattoo you’ll regret forever.
With weed, you give the tattoo they’ll regret forever.
Hang in, there ain’t no doubt,
Hang tough, over and out!
Jon
We miss you George (Now More Than Ever)