Well, let’s start by taking a look at where things stood with baseball…
Aww, that’s too bad. Well let’s take a look at the latest COVID-19 projections…
Man, that’s bad, too. Now what happened right after the COVID news?
Wow! What are the odds?? No seriously – someone ask Pete Rose what the odds are.
I love baseball. It’s the friend who offers you a ticket to the game when it knows you’re away at a funeral. “Ohhhh, man! Too bad! Some other time never!”
Even the guys who organized Michael Jackson’s final tour said, “Who they trying to fool?”
Baseball is “planning” a 60-game season. Or as Manny Ramirez would call it, “a season.”
This would actually be the shortest baseball season since 1878. To show you how long ago that was, the bubblegum that came with baseball cards was only 30 years old.
Yep, it would be the shortest season since 1878. The best pitcher that year: Bartolo Colon.
Cy Young actually won 3 Bartolo Colon Awards. (Ty Cobb won 10 Curt Schilling Awards.)
The games will resume in teams’ home ballparks without fans. Which is why Philadelphia has designed robots to pelt opposing pitchers with batteries.
Teams will only play opponents in their own region. Which means the Toronto Blue Jays will play The Kids in the Hall, Barenaked Ladies and a herd of moose.
If there is another spike in COVID-19, players would be quarantined away from their wives. Which is why today, David Ortiz announced he was coming out of retirement. (Might be safer with the COVID.)
But with the spike in Orlando, the NBA season is now in jeopardy, with players who committed backing out. Which isn’t surprising, as it turns out most of those “players” were actually just K-Pop fans.
Laker Avery Bradley opted out, saying he didn’t want to jeopardize his family’s health. It’s surprising a Laker would bail, since the virus is the only thing they’d catch from LeBron.
Actually, LeBron James said there’s no ill will, and promised to personally call Avery Bradley the wrong name. “Hang in there, Andy!” “It’s Avery.” “Okay, Henry!”
It could be tough for the Lakers. In fact Jack Nicholson is just sending Christian Slater.
But a lot of players are opting out. Even Air Bud said, “I just couldn’t do that to my hydrant.”
Today, the New York City Marathon was canceled, because officials are afraid the starting pistol would be drowned out by the fireworks.
Runners from New York expressed dismay…about an hour after runners from Kenya expressed dismay.
This is nice: they’re going to use those tinfoil ponchos to cover-up Confederate statues.
Actually, the marathon was canceled due to COVID-19. So if you want to see thousands of New Yorkers run by, just stand at the border to Connecticut.
New Jersey is implementing a 14-day quarantine for anyone traveling from hotspots. I guess they don’t want people to catch it from a guy who caught it from a guy who caught it from a guy, fuhgeddaboudit.
Former Van Halen singer Sammy Hagar says he plans to keep playing concerts regardless of the virus. Then the CDC said, “Could you? That would actually help people stay home.”
Due to the virus, Japan opened a “drive-in haunted house.” Or as dogs call it, “a carwash.”
The FBI said the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage was just a hanging rope with a circular tie. They also revealed the weapon found on Lee Harvey Oswald was “just a Nerf Blaster clogged with lead.”
Many were upset that it took 15 FBI agents to arrive at such a vague conclusion. However, 13 were there to make sure no one was copying their videos from Blockbuster.
Slavery connotations may force Rhode Island to change its official name, “The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.” Some were shocked to hear that’s its official name, while most had never heard of Rhode Island.
Yep, the state may change its name from The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Instead, it’ll go with the more appropriate name: Boston Jr.
Conservatives are mocking the suggestion Mount Rushmore be destroyed due to the presidents’ ties to slavery, saying, “What, are they gonna blow it up?” Then people said, “How do you think they made it?” (“Uh…God SNEEZED at it?? Pick up a Bible, Einfeld!”)
Yesterday, Trump visited his “border wall,” where only three new miles were constructed. Which explains Trump’s new plan: cloning.
Trump’s former National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, was released from jail. The prison cited a legal loophole and overcrowding from other former Trump Security Advisors.
Porn star Ron Jeremy was arrested and charged with multiple instances of sexual assault. Said Jeremy, “Oh no – was it everything I am?”
Speaking of slithery freaks, an image went viral supposedly showing the Loch Ness Monster. But before it got out of the water, the aliens sent a text saying, “Dude – this year’s WAY too crowded. Let’s come back.”
Yeah, the Loch Ness Monster almost came out of the water. Ironically, it just needed a break from its kid playing “Baby Shark.”
Residents of Lopburi, Thailand want to take the city back from monkeys who have gorged on cereal, candy and caffeinated beverages and engaged in rampant sex. Which explains their leader: Bicurious George.
On the bright side, they’d be the first species featured on Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and MTV.
It’s pretty bad, and if the monkeys don’t relax, officials may have to deploy an accordion.
A golden retriever in Tennessee just celebrated its 20th birthday. Which in human years makes her Bernie Sanders.
But man, this is an OLD dog…
This dog’s so old, she actually rides a Jazzy away from the vacuum.
This dog’s so old, she actually wears a Life Alert collar.
This dog’s so old, when you throw a stick, she just says, “Eh, there’ll be other sticks.”
When you throw a tennis ball, she reaches for her glasses and says, “Was that an apple?”
This dog’s so old, instead of a dog whistle, her owner just plays some Michael Bublé.
This dog’s so old, she blows on the water before drinking out of the toilet.
She’s so old, when you leave CNN on to keep her company, she switches it to Fox News.
You can tell she’s old because she thinks Air Bud should just “shut up and dribble.”
But man, she’s old. In fact this dog’s so old, she actually has a cat.
This dog is OLD! In fact she’s SO old, she tells your leg, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”
Keep Your Moods Up,
Jon