Re: the unwritten rule you shouldn’t attack other comedians: what if you haven’t been onstage in six months and the other guy hasn’t written a joke in six years?
Also, we’ve all cried when McDonald’s got our order wrong. I cry while ordering.
Saturday is the Summer Solstice, which is now in a 365-way tie for longest day of the year.
Dr. Anthony Fauci says he would not go to a Trump campaign rally because of COVID-19. Then Trump supporters said, “Don’t worry – we’ll be safe and wear two sheets.”
Actually, a man in Wisconsin was spotted walking his dog in a KKK outfit. Look at this:
His dog was like, “You guys get the paper bag and the matches – I’ll do the rest.”
Health experts are saying that dogs should socially distance to avoid spreading COVID-17. Which is why today, I saw my dog ButtTiming with her friends.
Dogs can get COVID-19. Which is why vacuums are running from them.
Yep, dogs can get the coronavirus. Which explains why my leg’s just been getting sexts.
🚨!!!DOG JOKE TRIFECTA!!!🚨
🚨!!!DOG JOKE TRIFECTA!!!🚨
With a second wave of COVID-19 on the way, we’re supposed to be vigilant in tracking symptoms like fatigue, congestion, irritability, and hallucinations. So if you feel Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy or Dopey, stop being Bashful, make us all Happy, and go see a Doc.
Actually, the NBA is getting ready to resume play at Disney World, and it released a 113-page booklet outlining all the rules. They urged players to read it immediately, while the refs can do it with 20 seconds left in a tie game. “The dribbler took five steps, so…nine free throws for Jack Nicholson?”
I read that the better teams will stay at nicer hotels. For instance, the Lakers and Celtics will stay at the Grand Floridian, while the Knicks and Cavs will stay at the Bates Motel.
While at Disney, players will have daily movie screenings, DJs, pool, lawn games and ping pong. And Gregg Popovich in a fanny pack yelling, “I take you kids to Disney, and you want to stay at the hotel??”
Charles Barkley’s more excited to go to EPCOT, since it has a golf ball he might actually hit.
Today is National Mascot Day. And since there probably won’t be any games this year, the Phillie Phanatic decided to finally treat himself to a honk job.
Major League Baseball is on the verge of canceling its season after owners wouldn’t agree to concessions with players. That’s when you know baseball’s in trouble – when even the owners think the concessions are too expensive. (That was for you, Dad!)
With COVID-19 hitting hard in Russia, workers have set up a “disinfection tunnel” for Vladimir Putin. Or as Putin put it, “If anyone need me…
…I hack election in ball pit.”
I saw that many are leaving their homes in New York City for the Catskills. Or as they put it, “Take my apartment…please!”
Back in my hometown, Hampton Beach, New Hampshire announced it is canceling its Seafood Festival this fall. But if you still want to get free crabs…just go clubbing at Hampton Beach this summer.
And Experts say COVID-19 could force casinos to go cashless. As opposed for another way for casinos to go cashless: get purchased by Trump.
Quaker Oats is discontinuing Aunt Jemima because of its racist connotations. Then the Black community said, “Actually, we’re more offended by the Quaker Oats boxes…”
Quaker Oats says that Aunt Jemima is being removed to make progress toward racial equality. “Welp – cancel my tee time,” said Rush Limbaugh’s cardiologist.
That’s right, they’re getting rid of all the Aunt Jemima syrup on store shelves. Which is why Chris Christie showed up at Wegmans with a funnel.
No more Aunt Jemima. Trump said, “NOW what do I chug after I run down a ramp??”
🚨!!!CLUMSY DUMB GUY TRIFECTA!!!🚨
🚨!!!CLUMSY DUMB GUY TRIFECTA!!!🚨
And a former British lawmaker is calling on Kellogg’s to diversify Snap, Crackle and Pop. Kellogg’s agreed, and introduced Snap, Karen and Pop.
Yep, former lawmaker Fiona Onasanya wants to get rid of Snap, Crackle and Pop. While I’d go one step further, and ban everyone who’s not on an early-2000s sitcom from using the word “Snap.”
And lastly, Kristen Stewart will play Princess Diana in an upcoming movie. While Ricky Gervais is still choosing between Charles and Camilla.
Keep Your Mood Up (And Think Before You Tweet),
Jon